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Using gifts before the wedding

theycallmelinztheycallmelinz member
500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I read somewhere (either in a TK newsletter or on this board) that if you receive a wedding gift before the wedding, you should write a thank you note then, as opposed to waiting until after receiving the rest of your gifts at the wedding, but not use the gift until after the wedding. 

My question is why not?

Someone also said that you shouldn't use it in case the wedding falls through. Are you supposed to return the gift to it's sender? Or maybe just take it back to the store? And what about gifts you receive at a shower? Should you not use those until the wedding either? I would ask all of these questions in a post I found on this but it dates back to 2011 and got no replies, so no use bugging the OP with updates from a dead thread.

If me and FI weren't already living together, I could see leaving everything in its box until afterwards because then we would be setting up home together. But this isn't the case for us, we've been living together for over 2 years soooo should we just let everything hang out in our guest bedroom until after the wedding?
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Re: Using gifts before the wedding

  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    lynze425 said:
    I read somewhere (either in a TK newsletter or on this board) that if you receive a wedding gift before the wedding, you should write a thank you note then, as opposed to waiting until after receiving the rest of your gifts at the wedding, but not use the gift until after the wedding. 

    My question is why not?

    Someone also said that you shouldn't use it in case the wedding falls through. Are you supposed to return the gift to it's sender? Or maybe just take it back to the store? And what about gifts you receive at a shower? Should you not use those until the wedding either? I would ask all of these questions in a post I found on this but it dates back to 2011 and got no replies, so no use bugging the OP with updates from a dead thread.

    If me and FI weren't already living together, I could see leaving everything in its box until afterwards because then we would be setting up home together. But this isn't the case for us, we've been living together for over 2 years soooo should we just let everything hang out in our guest bedroom until after the wedding?
    If you do not get married all wedding and shower gifts must be returned to the person who gave them.  They were  a gift intended for a married couple to use, since there is no married couple they get returned.  In the case of monetary gifts you deposit the checks so as not to cause them issues with their bank statements but you keep track of the amounts given so that you can send them a check for the same amount should the wedding not happen.  

    Yes, let everything hang out in the guest room until after the wedding.  
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    If the wedding doesn't go through, yes, you should return any gifts you receive. Whether they be shower gifts or wedding gifts is irrelevant. Few people would actually ask for their gift back, but it's always good to be the better person. 

    That said, you CAN use gifts you've received, as long as you are able to replace them. If for some reason the wedding is cancelled but you've already used the blender Aunt Sue gifted you, you should buy a new version of the same blender and give it back to Aunt Sue, or give her the cash equivalent back. If you aren't in dire need of a gift, I would just let it hang out in the guest room until after your wedding. 

    Happy planning.
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  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    mysticl said:
    lynze425 said:
    I read somewhere (either in a TK newsletter or on this board) that if you receive a wedding gift before the wedding, you should write a thank you note then, as opposed to waiting until after receiving the rest of your gifts at the wedding, but not use the gift until after the wedding. 

    My question is why not?

    Someone also said that you shouldn't use it in case the wedding falls through. Are you supposed to return the gift to it's sender? Or maybe just take it back to the store? And what about gifts you receive at a shower? Should you not use those until the wedding either? I would ask all of these questions in a post I found on this but it dates back to 2011 and got no replies, so no use bugging the OP with updates from a dead thread.

    If me and FI weren't already living together, I could see leaving everything in its box until afterwards because then we would be setting up home together. But this isn't the case for us, we've been living together for over 2 years soooo should we just let everything hang out in our guest bedroom until after the wedding?
    If you do not get married all wedding and shower gifts must be returned to the person who gave them.  They were  a gift intended for a married couple to use, since there is no married couple they get returned.  In the case of monetary gifts you deposit the checks so as not to cause them issues with their bank statements but you keep track of the amounts given so that you can send them a check for the same amount should the wedding not happen.  

    Yes, let everything hang out in the guest room until after the wedding.  
    Ahh got it. That makes sense. Thank you!
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    Yes, you should send thank you note immediately. 

    If the wedding were to fall through, yes, you should return all gifts to the senders. this means all gifts received from showers or wedding.  This is the reason you shouldn't use them until after wedding. In theory, if wedding doesn't happen, you return gift to sender, they return it to store for refund.  That's a bit difficult if the item has been used.  Nobody plans for it to happen, but it does happen, so don't bother with the "it would never happen to me" stuff, because everyone thinks that... and some people get completely blindsided by a wedding being cancelled. Unfortunately, I know someone who cancelled 2 weeks prior to wedding because FI got drunk, screwed up and cheated on her... it was certainly not expected and they seemed like a perfect, happy couple until that happened.  Unfortunately, they had already used many of the gift cards she received at shower and some of the gifts.  People felt bad for her and many didn't confront her directly, but there were many comments behind the scenes about how rude it was to not return the gifts for a wedding that didn't happen and people were very hurt.

    The general consensus I've seen lately is that it may be okay to use the gifts prior to the wedding, IF you are in a position to purchase identical item to return to sender or pay them back the full value of the gift, in the event that wedding gets cancelled.  We had a few large items that we received very early (6+ months before wedding) were difficult to leave sitting in boxes in our small apartment... and they were items we definitely could use.  So, we did go ahead and use them before the wedding, but we knew we would be able to replace them if the wedding were to get postponed or cancelled for some reason. Anything that we couldn't afford to replace, was left unused until after the wedding. And gift cards were certainly left untouched until after the wedding.  We did deposit checks immediately, so they aren't left unbalancing the senders checkbook, but we put them into a separate account and didn't spend the money until after wedding.

     

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  • l9il9i member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    There are a few items we have used from the shower and realize that if something should happen we can replace them. Everything else is sitting in our back room until after the wedding. We have saved all gift cards - in my mind it wouldn't make sense to spend them right now because we may get more from the wedding and can then combine them to complete our registry. We also cashed checks into a savings and recorded the amounts. Obviously no one expects there not to be a wedding but we've been good and have kept most things put away. I think the only things we opened were the electric wine opener and the wine vacuum seal - you know - the essentials ;)
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  • luckysnorkelluckysnorkel member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    We have a big ol' pile of gifts in the corner of our living room.  Even though I'd love to be able to use some of the kitchen stuff when I cook, in the (VERY UNLIKELY!) event that the wedding doesn't happen, I'm sure the last thing I'd want to deal with is buying a replacement gadget to return to the gift-giver.  I'm majorly superstitious too, so part of me worries that using a wedding gift before the wedding will jinx us.

    Just a couple days ago I was using a drinking glass to flatten chicken breasts.  FH was like "don't we have a meat tenderizer?!" but I said "not until after the wedding we don't!"
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I just think it's really fun breaking out all your new things all at once.
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  • casey8784casey8784 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    All the gifts we've received are living in the guest room closet. however, a couple weeks after we got our spiffy new Dyson from FI's aunt, our "current" vacuum took a trip to vacuum heaven. We opened that one gift since we could see no point in going and buying a new vacuum to use for a few months until the wedding. (That said, if (god forbid) something happens and the wedding gets cancelled, we'll go buy another one to return to the aunt.)
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  • April192002April192002 member
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    luckysnorkel said:
    We have a big ol' pile of gifts in the corner of our living room.  Even though I'd love to be able to use some of the kitchen stuff when I cook, in the (VERY UNLIKELY!) event that the wedding doesn't happen, I'm sure the last thing I'd want to deal with is buying a replacement gadget to return to the gift-giver.  I'm majorly superstitious too, so part of me worries that using a wedding gift before the wedding will jinx us.

    Just a couple days ago I was using a drinking glass to flatten chicken breasts.  FH was like "don't we have a meat tenderizer?!" but I said "not until after the wedding we don't!"
    LOL! I probably would have been so tempted to pulled out the meat tenderizer but if I started using one gift it'd be hard not to use another "must have" item. If I have lived without it prior to the wedding, I think I could live without until after the wedding, unless it was an upgrade and my original item broke.
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  • schellzinatorschellzinator member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    We left our gifts in our office...It was soooo nice getting our office back after the wedding - it STILL hasn't fully recovered though :). 
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  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    A friend of mine told me about a cancelled wedding that the bride did not return the gifts, and people were very vocal (not to her) about their displeasure at not being returned the gift. 

    We will leave all of our gifts in our guest room until after the wedding... And we own a home together. I am like a PP and don't want to jinx anything.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2014
    We left all of the gifts we received from the shower and prior to the wedding either at my MIL's house or in our apartment living room prior to the wedding. It was getting a little out of hand. However, we bought a house 2 weeks before the wedding, and moved the week after the wedding. So it made sense for us to leave everything in the boxes until we moved. 

    Then we got to open all our new things in our new house!

    ETA: I did open one or two things that we needed, but the majority stayed unopened until after the wedding. 
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I can't wait to dig into the piles of gifts in my spare bedroom. Seriously, it has been MONTHS.

    We get married on the 26th and as soon as we get back, that coffee maker is getting opened!
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  • annathy03annathy03 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    We didn't use anything before, partially because of superstition.  It helped that we registered early, so anything small I really needed I was able to buy myself before guests really got to the registry.

    I did open boxes to make sure things weren't broken though, and did even exchanges on the few china pieces that didn't arrive intact.
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  • mellyD2014mellyD2014 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    We have all of our gifts up in our guest room as well....EXCEPT for the memory foam kitchen mat. Neither FI nor I could resist getting that by the sink. We're much happier cooking and cleaning dishes now :)
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2014
    I used all my gifts. That was after a nice couple gave us our pot and pan set 9 months before the wedding. DH was mad but I would NOT let him use them. Then the couple came over and saw the unopened box. Asked why we weren't using it. I told them why and they said if they wanted us to wait they would not have sent it 9 months out.

     Fair enough. We used them. 

     Then in order to ship things home from the shower I had to remove some packaging to save space. Plus our place was very small, we just didn't have the room to store anything. Besides, living in the islands if something happened it would have been easier to re-buy the stuff online and send it to the guests then trying to ship stuff from there.

    ETA - HOW HARD IS IT TO HAVE PARAGRAPHS EVERY TIME YOU POST?  Seriously it getting annoying.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    huskypuppy14 said:
    We left all of the gifts we received from the shower and prior to the wedding either at my MIL's house or in our apartment living room prior to the wedding. It was getting a little out of hand. However, we bought a house 2 weeks before the wedding, and moved the week after the wedding. So it made sense for us to leave everything in the boxes until we moved. 

    Then we got to open all our new things in our new house!

    ETA: I did open one or two things that we needed, but the majority stayed unopened until after the wedding. 
    We lived in a small apartment so we kept all our gifts at my moms house. We planned on buying a house within a year of marriage and decided to wait to use our gifts in the new house (did use a few things in the apartment though - after the wedding). We have been in the new house for 3 weeks and reopening all our gifts was AWESOME!!! All new pots and pans, dishware, flatware, bedding etc and it was so exciting to use what felt like grown up stuff (EVERYTHING in our apartment was a mis-mash of our college stuff) in our new grown up house!!!
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    lyndausvi said:
    I used all my gifts. That was after a nice couple gave us our pot and pan set 9 months before the wedding. DH was mad but I would NOT let him use them. Then the couple came over and saw the unopened box. Asked why we weren't using it. I told them why and they said if they wanted us to wait they would not have sent it 9 months out.

     Fair enough. We used them. 

     Then in order to ship things home from the shower I had to remove some packaging to save space. Plus our place was very small, we just didn't have the room to store anything. Besides, living in the islands if something happened it would have been easier to re-buy the stuff online and send it to the guests then trying to ship stuff from there.

    ETA - HOW HARD IS IT TO HAVE PARAGRAPHS EVERY TIME YOU POST?  Seriously it getting annoying.
    I used the knives from my dad for this reason. He gave them to me in June (September wedding) specifically so I could start using them.

    The rest is packed away in the basement for superstitious reasons. We MAY break out the new guest bedroom sheets tonight though, since FSIL is staying with us for my shower and they're so much nicer than the old garbage and I'd like her to sleep on something nice. That's it though.
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