MOG problems, big time. Help!

junebride2k14 · July 2014

This is my first post on here, so bear with me, I don't know all of the abbreviations and other unspoken rules My wedding was almost two months ago and I am STILL bothered by my mother-in-law's actions surrounding that time. I either need to forget it or address with her, so that that I can move on. The problem is I haven't been able to forget, so I feel I need to discuss with her-- I'm not usually one to hold grudges and can't name a single enemy in my life. I'll give a recap of everything:

In early 2014 (January or February) my husband's mother pledged to give us $1,500 for our June 2014 wedding to use freely towards rehearsal dinner or maybe some other area of need. With that being said, we added an additional $1,500 to our wedding budget, which was wonderful news! We had about 6 months to plan how we were going to allocate this money wisely and we did! We never for a second thought she wouldn't follow through on that pledge. Well two months after the wedding, we still haven't seen a cent! She claimed a few weeks before the wedding she would eventually get the money to us, but that she couldn't at the time because she lent $5,000 to her other son who is older a few years ago to buy into a franchise and he is supposed to be paying her back in monthly increments. Supposedly MOG hasn't been able to help my husband with wedding expenses like she pledged, because his brother is late on his payments to her (MOG). Meanwhile his brother's family travels fairly lavishly out of the country 1-2 times per year-- no wonder they can't or don't feel the need to pay her back?! They are living it up with no remorse, but probably no idea the negative ripple effect of their decisions.<?xml:namespace prefix = "o" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

So wedding time gets closer and his mother who had pledged to start paying us in installments towards the $1,500 hasn't give us one cent, and also has not offered to do ANYTHING to help with rehearsal dinner plans. Even though the wedding was out-of-town and out-of-state for her, she still could've offered to send rehearsal invites or SOMETHING. She did NOTHING to help in advance, but did help setup some the day of rehearsal, in which I am truly grateful. However, the night before our rehearsal dinner, my parents had his family and wedding party members over to their home for a cookout. When the MOG arrived she introduced herself with the following, "I'm the Mother of the Groom and the most important person here." EXCUSE me?!? I am the Bride, your son is the Groom-- we are the most important people here--this is about the beginning of a lifelong commitment to each other-- and plus you are at my PARENTS house and my parents have graciously given approximately $10,000 for our wedding celebration. They are technically the hosts of this whole weekend and you have the nerve to announce that at their home two days before the wedding!!

Then rehearsal night rolls around and we are passing out gifts. My husband was aware that I was giving my parents a small gift for everything they had done but in the middle of wedding stress he forgot. By this point, I wasn't able to afford anything near what my parents deserved for their hard work. I was only able to purchase two white mugs from Wal-Mart and decorate them with gold sharpies to say "Mother of the Bride" and "Father of the Bride", in addition to adding some K Cups to their bag Well, he forgot to get his mother anything, and when the dinner was over and folks were leaving she was found pouting to my husband and asking why he didn't get her a gift. Little did she know I only paid about $10 for my parents gifts. She ends up guilt tripping my husband into buying her a gift the night before the wedding-- he was out until 1:00 a.m. that night due in small part to her. He brought her a charm which I am sure was more than $10. Needless to say I wasn't happy with the situation but I wasn't about to let her ruin any part of my wedding day.

So wedding day and honeymoon comes and goes and I have you all to know that not only has she not given a cent of the $1,500 that she promised, but she has not yet got us a wedding card or a wedding gift of any sort. She also did not pay for her hotel for 3 nights during wedding travels. She somehow got away with not paying one cent for this wedding-- if anything she came out ahead by practically begging a gift for herself, she got free food courtesy of my parents, and a free hotel thanks to a connection with my husband's work-- but yet she had the nerve to complain and pout that my parents got a gift and she didn't at rehearsal. I understand the $1,500 may be a little steep and that if she is telling the truth about the circumstances I described above, it is preventing her from paying that amount... But why not take the time and a few bucks to buy us a wedding card and write a sweet note in it, or maybe get just a small gift for your son?!? There are .99 cent wedding cards out there! If something were to happen to her tomorrow, we'd have no well wishes from our day to remember her by. It's sad and I feel sorry for my husband. I know he is embarrassed by her actions.

Considering his embarrassment and non-confrontational manner, I don't know what to do, but I don't feel right about letting her get away thinking that ALL of the above was okay. It's not okay with me and don't think it ever will be without some acknowledgement of wrong-doing or a simple apology. We ended up having to charge the $1,500 we had planned to get from her to a credit card-- luckily it is the only debt we have leftover from the wedding and is no interest for 6 months.

I feel she disrespected me, my now husband, and my parents and I believe it should be addressed in order for me to feel I have a healthy relationship with her again. She of course acts like nothing is wrong. She acts like we are best pals by texting me and posting on my Facebook wall all of the time. Apparently, she wants to look like mother of year on social media. This whole situation is very bizarre and not what I am used to because my parents have always tried their hardest to follow up on their promises. It is odd for me to see a parent treat their child this way for no reason. My husband did nothing to deserve her broken promises, in appropriate behaviors, and freeloading. What should I do? How should I approach a conversation with her without it causing any hard feelings from my husband?

I already feel somewhat better just by writing this. Thanks for the advice in advance and apologies for the super long post!

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

junebride2k14 said:

This is my first post on here, so bear with me, I don't know all of the abbreviations and other unspoken rules My wedding was almost two months ago and I am STILL bothered by my mother-in-law's actions surrounding that time. I either need to forget it or address with her, so that that I can move on. The problem is I haven't been able to forget, so I feel I need to discuss with her-- I'm not usually one to hold grudges and can't name a single enemy in my life. I'll give a recap of everything:
In early 2014 (January or February) my husband's mother pledged to give us $1,500 for our June 2014 wedding to use freely towards rehearsal dinner or maybe some other area of need. With that being said, we added an additional $1,500 to our wedding budget, which was wonderful news! We had about 6 months to plan how we were going to allocate this money wisely and we did! We never for a second thought she wouldn't follow through on that pledge. Well two months after the wedding, we still haven't seen a cent! She claimed a few weeks before the wedding she would eventually get the money to us, but that she couldn't at the time because she lent $5,000 to her other son who is older a few years ago to buy into a franchise and he is supposed to be paying her back in monthly increments. Supposedly MOG hasn't been able to help my husband with wedding expenses like she pledged, because his brother is late on his payments to her (MOG). Meanwhile his brother's family travels fairly lavishly out of the country 1-2 times per year-- no wonder they can't or don't feel the need to pay her back?! They are living it up with no remorse, but probably no idea the negative ripple effect of their decisions.
So wedding time gets closer and his mother who had pledged to start paying us in installments towards the $1,500 hasn't give us one cent, and also has not offered to do ANYTHING to help with rehearsal dinner plans. Even though the wedding was out-of-town and out-of-state for her, she still could've offered to send rehearsal invites or SOMETHING. She did NOTHING to help in advance, but did help setup some the day of rehearsal, in which I am truly grateful. However, the night before our rehearsal dinner, my parents had his family and wedding party members over to their home for a cookout. When the MOG arrived she introduced herself with the following, "I'm the Mother of the Groom and the most important person here." EXCUSE me?!? I am the Bride, your son is the Groom-- we are the most important people here--this is about the beginning of a lifelong commitment to each other-- and plus you are at my PARENTS house and my parents have graciously given approximately $10,000 for our wedding celebration. They are technically the hosts of this whole weekend and you have the nerve to announce that at their home two days before the wedding!!

Then rehearsal night rolls around and we are passing out gifts. My husband was aware that I was giving my parents a small gift for everything they had done but in the middle of wedding stress he forgot. By this point, I wasn't able to afford anything near what my parents deserved for their hard work. I was only able to purchase two white mugs from Wal-Mart and decorate them with gold sharpies to say "Mother of the Bride" and "Father of the Bride", in addition to adding some K Cups to their bag Well, he forgot to get his mother anything, and when the dinner was over and folks were leaving she was found pouting to my husband and asking why he didn't get her a gift. Little did she know I only paid about $10 for my parents gifts. She ends up guilt tripping my husband into buying her a gift the night before the wedding-- he was out until 1:00 a.m. that night due in small part to her. He brought her a charm which I am sure was more than $10. Needless to say I wasn't happy with the situation but I wasn't about to let her ruin any part of my wedding day.

So wedding day and honeymoon comes and goes and I have you all to know that not only has she not given a cent of the $1,500 that she promised, but she has not yet got us a wedding card or a wedding gift of any sort. She also did not pay for her hotel for 3 nights during wedding travels. She somehow got away with not paying one cent for this wedding-- if anything she came out ahead by practically begging a gift for herself, she got free food courtesy of my parents, and a free hotel thanks to a connection with my husband's work-- but yet she had the nerve to complain and pout that my parents got a gift and she didn't at rehearsal. I understand the $1,500 may be a little steep and that if she is telling the truth about the circumstances I described above, it is preventing her from paying that amount... But why not take the time and a few bucks to buy us a wedding card and write a sweet note in it, or maybe get just a small gift for your son?!? There are .99 cent wedding cards out there! If something were to happen to her tomorrow, we'd have no well wishes from our day to remember her by. It's sad and I feel sorry for my husband. I know he is embarrassed by her actions.

Considering his embarrassment and non-confrontational manner, I don't know what to do, but I don't feel right about letting her get away thinking that ALL of the above was okay. It's not okay with me and don't think it ever will be without some acknowledgement of wrong-doing or a simple apology. We ended up having to charge the $1,500 we had planned to get from her to a credit card-- luckily it is the only debt we have leftover from the wedding and is no interest for 6 months.

I feel she disrespected me, my now husband, and my parents and I believe it should be addressed in order for me to feel I have a healthy relationship with her again. She of course acts like nothing is wrong. She acts like we are best pals by texting me and posting on my Facebook wall all of the time. Apparently, she wants to look like mother of year on social media. This whole situation is very bizarre and not what I am used to because my parents have always tried their hardest to follow up on their promises. It is odd for me to see a parent treat their child this way for no reason. My husband did nothing to deserve her broken promises, in appropriate behaviors, and freeloading. What should I do? How should I approach a conversation with her without it causing any hard feelings from my husband?

I already feel somewhat better just by writing this. Thanks for the advice in advance and apologies for the super long post!

Sorry, you're in the wrong here. You never should have counted on getting money from anyone until you had cash in hand. A wedding is no one's responsibility to pay for, or prepare for, except the people getting married. Even if she offered, even if she promised, you have no say in how she or your BIL allocate their money. She's completely within her right to not pay a cent for your wedding, including giving a gift. It's shitty that things worked out that way, but you really should just let it go.

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

junebride2k14 said:

This is my first post on here, so bear with me, I don't know all of the abbreviations and other unspoken rules My wedding was almost two months ago and I am STILL bothered by my mother-in-law's actions surrounding that time. I either need to forget it or address with her, so that that I can move on. The problem is I haven't been able to forget, so I feel I need to discuss with her-- I'm not usually one to hold grudges and can't name a single enemy in my life. I'll give a recap of everything:

In early 2014 (January or February) my husband's mother pledged to give us $1,500 for our June 2014 wedding to use freely towards rehearsal dinner or maybe some other area of need. With that being said, we added an additional $1,500 to our wedding budget, which was wonderful news! We had about 6 months to plan how we were going to allocate this money wisely and we did! We never for a second thought she wouldn't follow through on that pledge. Well two months after the wedding, we still haven't seen a cent! She claimed a few weeks before the wedding she would eventually get the money to us, but that she couldn't at the time because she lent $5,000 to her other son who is older a few years ago to buy into a franchise and he is supposed to be paying her back in monthly increments. Supposedly MOG hasn't been able to help my husband with wedding expenses like she pledged, because his brother is late on his payments to her (MOG). Meanwhile his brother's family travels fairly lavishly out of the country 1-2 times per year-- no wonder they can't or don't feel the need to pay her back?! They are living it up with no remorse, but probably no idea the negative ripple effect of their decisions.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

So wedding time gets closer and his mother who had pledged to start paying us in installments towards the $1,500 hasn't give us one cent, and also has not offered to do ANYTHING to help with rehearsal dinner plans. Even though the wedding was out-of-town and out-of-state for her, she still could've offered to send rehearsal invites or SOMETHING. She did NOTHING to help in advance, but did help setup some the day of rehearsal, in which I am truly grateful. However, the night before our rehearsal dinner, my parents had his family and wedding party members over to their home for a cookout. When the MOG arrived she introduced herself with the following, "I'm the Mother of the Groom and the most important person here." EXCUSE me?!? I am the Bride, your son is the Groom-- we are the most important people here--this is about the beginning of a lifelong commitment to each other-- and plus you are at my PARENTS house and my parents have graciously given approximately $10,000 for our wedding celebration. They are technically the hosts of this whole weekend and you have the nerve to announce that at their home two days before the wedding!!

Then rehearsal night rolls around and we are passing out gifts. My husband was aware that I was giving my parents a small gift for everything they had done but in the middle of wedding stress he forgot. By this point, I wasn't able to afford anything near what my parents deserved for their hard work. I was only able to purchase two white mugs from Wal-Mart and decorate them with gold sharpies to say "Mother of the Bride" and "Father of the Bride", in addition to adding some K Cups to their bag Well, he forgot to get his mother anything, and when the dinner was over and folks were leaving she was found pouting to my husband and asking why he didn't get her a gift. Little did she know I only paid about $10 for my parents gifts. She ends up guilt tripping my husband into buying her a gift the night before the wedding-- he was out until 1:00 a.m. that night due in small part to her. He brought her a charm which I am sure was more than $10. Needless to say I wasn't happy with the situation but I wasn't about to let her ruin any part of my wedding day.

So wedding day and honeymoon comes and goes and I have you all to know that not only has she not given a cent of the $1,500 that she promised, but she has not yet got us a wedding card or a wedding gift of any sort. She also did not pay for her hotel for 3 nights during wedding travels. She somehow got away with not paying one cent for this wedding-- if anything she came out ahead by practically begging a gift for herself, she got free food courtesy of my parents, and a free hotel thanks to a connection with my husband's work-- but yet she had the nerve to complain and pout that my parents got a gift and she didn't at rehearsal. I understand the $1,500 may be a little steep and that if she is telling the truth about the circumstances I described above, it is preventing her from paying that amount... But why not take the time and a few bucks to buy us a wedding card and write a sweet note in it, or maybe get just a small gift for your son?!? There are .99 cent wedding cards out there! If something were to happen to her tomorrow, we'd have no well wishes from our day to remember her by. It's sad and I feel sorry for my husband. I know he is embarrassed by her actions.

Considering his embarrassment and non-confrontational manner, I don't know what to do, but I don't feel right about letting her get away thinking that ALL of the above was okay. It's not okay with me and don't think it ever will be without some acknowledgement of wrong-doing or a simple apology. We ended up having to charge the $1,500 we had planned to get from her to a credit card-- luckily it is the only debt we have leftover from the wedding and is no interest for 6 months.

I feel she disrespected me, my now husband, and my parents and I believe it should be addressed in order for me to feel I have a healthy relationship with her again. She of course acts like nothing is wrong. She acts like we are best pals by texting me and posting on my Facebook wall all of the time. Apparently, she wants to look like mother of year on social media. This whole situation is very bizarre and not what I am used to because my parents have always tried their hardest to follow up on their promises. It is odd for me to see a parent treat their child this way for no reason. My husband did nothing to deserve her broken promises, in appropriate behaviors, and freeloading. What should I do? How should I approach a conversation with her without it causing any hard feelings from my husband?

I already feel somewhat better just by writing this. Thanks for the advice in advance and apologies for the super long post!

First, how your BIL spends his money is his business. And if he takes a loan from MIL, that is between them. I know that MIL promised you money, but we tell brides all the time not to spend the money until it is in hand. Is it bad that MIL promised money and not follow through? Absolutley. But there isn't much you can do about it now, other than make it a priority to pay off your cc bill within the 6 months to avoid paying interest. I think that you should encourage your H to stand up for himself with MIL. She acts the way she does because she can get away with her behavior. Also, your MIL walking in to declare herself the most important person only makes her look foolish and bad. If reflects in no way upon you, H, or anyone else but her.

kaitlynmichelle · July 2014

This is exactly why you should never count on money until it is in your hands. My FFIL has offered to cover the last portion of our wedding package, just over $1000. I won't be adding the saved money into our budget until we see the money. Things happen, and I don't want to add on any upgrades to our package or honeymoon until I am 100% sure the money is coming.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

junebride2k14 said:

This is my first post on here, so bear with me, I don't know all of the abbreviations and other unspoken rules My wedding was almost two months ago and I am STILL bothered by my mother-in-law's actions surrounding that time. I either need to forget it or address with her, so that that I can move on. The problem is I haven't been able to forget, so I feel I need to discuss with her-- I'm not usually one to hold grudges and can't name a single enemy in my life. I'll give a recap of everything:
In early 2014 (January or February) my husband's mother pledged to give us $1,500 for our June 2014 wedding to use freely towards rehearsal dinner or maybe some other area of need. With that being said, we added an additional $1,500 to our wedding budget, which was wonderful news! We had about 6 months to plan how we were going to allocate this money wisely and we did! We never for a second thought she wouldn't follow through on that pledge. Well two months after the wedding, we still haven't seen a cent! This is why Knotties always say to brides: don't count on money until it's in your hands. Anything can happen. She claimed a few weeks before the wedding she would eventually get the money to us, but that she couldn't at the time because she lent $5,000 to her other son who is older a few years ago to buy into a franchise and he is supposed to be paying her back in monthly increments. Supposedly MOG hasn't been able to help my husband with wedding expenses like she pledged, because his brother is late on his payments to her (MOG). Meanwhile his brother's family travels fairly lavishly out of the country 1-2 times per year-- no wonder they can't or don't feel the need to pay her back?! They are living it up with no remorse, but probably no idea the negative ripple effect of their decisions. BIL's actions are irrelevant. MIL shouldn't be blaming this on him and neither should you.
So wedding time gets closer and his mother who had pledged to start paying us in installments towards the $1,500 hasn't give us one cent, and also has not offered to do ANYTHING to help with rehearsal dinner plans. Even though the wedding was out-of-town and out-of-state for her, she still could've offered to send rehearsal invites or SOMETHING. She did NOTHING to help in advance, but did help setup some the day of rehearsal, in which I am truly grateful. However, the night before our rehearsal dinner, my parents had his family and wedding party members over to their home for a cookout. When the MOG arrived she introduced herself with the following, "I'm the Mother of the Groom and the most important person here." EXCUSE me?!? I am the Bride, your son is the Groom-- we are the most important people here--this is about the beginning of a lifelong commitment to each other-- and plus you are at my PARENTS house and my parents have graciously given approximately $10,000 for our wedding celebration. They are technically the hosts of this whole weekend and you have the nerve to announce that at their home two days before the wedding!! You seem really caught up on comparing how much your parents helped with your MIL. Yeah, the bolded is rude and pretty awful, but has nothing to do with money.

Then rehearsal night rolls around and we are passing out gifts. My husband was aware that I was giving my parents a small gift for everything they had done but in the middle of wedding stress he forgot. By this point, I wasn't able to afford anything near what my parents deserved for their hard work. I was only able to purchase two white mugs from Wal-Mart and decorate them with gold sharpies to say "Mother of the Bride" and "Father of the Bride", in addition to adding some K Cups to their bag Well, he forgot to get his mother anything, Technically that's on him, but really you both should have been on top of this. It looks like a snub to give one set of parents a gift but not the other. This is one of those things that will come back to you whether you want it to or not. and when the dinner was over and folks were leaving she was found pouting to my husband and asking why he didn't get her a gift. Little did she know I only paid about $10 for my parents gifts. Again, why the obsession with money? She ends up guilt tripping my husband into buying her a gift the night before the wedding-- he was out until 1:00 a.m. that night due in small part to her. He brought her a charm which I am sure was more than $10. Again with the money. Needless to say I wasn't happy with the situation but I wasn't about to let her ruin any part of my wedding day.

So wedding day and honeymoon comes and goes and I have you all to know that not only has she not given a cent of the $1,500 that she promised, but she has not yet got us a wedding card or a wedding gift of any sort. Now you just sound greedy. Obviously if she wanted to contribute $1500 and can't afford it, she probably can't afford a gift anyway. And yes a card would be nice, but there are a thousand reasons for no card. Maybe she keeps hoping she'll be able to give you the money and imagines she'll give you a card then. She also did not pay for her hotel for 3 nights during wedding travels. She somehow got away with not paying one cent for this wedding Whoa you sound so entitled. Check yourself. She doesn't owe you anything.-- if anything she came out ahead by practically begging a gift for herself, I am utterly shocked that you would write this. Shocked. She "came out ahead????" she got free food courtesy of my parents, and a free hotel thanks to a connection with my husband's work-- but yet she had the nerve to complain and pout that my parents got a gift and she didn't at rehearsal. I understand the $1,500 may be a little steep and that if she is telling the truth about the circumstances I described above, it is preventing her from paying that amount... But why not take the time and a few bucks to buy us a wedding card and write a sweet note in it, or maybe get just a small gift for your son?!? There are .99 cent wedding cards out there! If something were to happen to her tomorrow, we'd have no well wishes from our day to remember her by. So you're basically saying... if she died you would have negative memories of her because she reneged on a gift for the wedding? Really? It's sad and I feel sorry for my husband. I know he is embarrassed by her actions.

Considering his embarrassment and non-confrontational manner, I don't know what to do, but I don't feel right about letting her get away thinking that ALL of the above was okay. It's not okay with me and don't think it ever will be without some acknowledgement of wrong-doing or a simple apology. We ended up having to charge the $1,500 we had planned to get from her to a credit card-- luckily it is the only debt we have leftover from the wedding and is no interest for 6 months. Again, this is why you shouldn't count on a bird in the bush.

I feel she disrespected me, my now husband, and my parents and I believe it should be addressed in order for me to feel I have a healthy relationship with her again. She of course acts like nothing is wrong. She acts like we are best pals by texting me and posting on my Facebook wall all of the time. Apparently, she wants to look like mother of year on social media. This whole situation is very bizarre and not what I am used to because my parents have always tried their hardest to follow up on their promises. It is odd for me to see a parent treat their child this way for no reason. My husband did nothing to deserve her broken promises, in appropriate behaviors, and freeloading. What should I do? How should I approach a conversation with her without it causing any hard feelings from my husband?

I already feel somewhat better just by writing this. Thanks for the advice in advance and apologies for the super long post!

Let it go.

Obviously she intended to give you the money, things happened, and she was too embarrassed to really explain herself. All the grandstanding sounds like it's making up for the fact that she was unable to help you and she probably feels terrible about it. Bringing it up to her will only make matters worse.

Just know in the future not to count on her financially until you have the check cashed in the bank. Be glad the amount was only $1500 and you didn't end up charging more.

And get over comparing her with your parents. Obviously you are privileged to have parents who can and will pay very large sums of money to throw you a party. MIL doesn't seem to have that ability. Stop comparing.

sarawifenow · July 2014

Wow ok you need to let this go. No one is required to give you a penny. It was your fault that you spent the money before you got it. Just move on.

KatieinBkln · July 2014

Listen, she sounds pretty shitty. You're not wrong to be irritated with her.

However. (You knew there would be a however, right?)

You have to let this go. In a certain light, confronting her about the promised $$ is actually pretty similar to the way she complained about not getting a gift from her son. Sure, it's a much bigger thing, and yes, she DID promise...but it would have been a gift, not something you were owed. I really can't iterate enough that she behaved VERY badly here, but the truth is, she was not required to give you any money at all (or even a wedding gift, though I agree it was tacky of her not to even spring for a nice card).

The best thing to do here is write her a nasty letter outlining all the stuff you're mad about. Then burn that letter. It will be very cleansing, I promise!

Next, learn the very important lesson that promises don't cash checks. This is a person whom you cannot trust to follow through on promises, especially not when money is involved. If she ever offers again or brings up the missing $1,500 (spoiler: she won't), you can graciously smile and say "thank you," knowing the whole time that you probably won't see a cent. You will never include her promised funds into any budget ever again, because until the money is in your account, it isn't real. You will keep her a bit at arm's length emotionally, which will be sad, but something that you do for your own sanity. You will not talk shit about her to your husband, of course, but you can support him as best you can, since as you've wisely noticed it's probably pretty hard on him to have his mom treat him this way.

I hope this works for you--she sounds like a difficult person. The only thing you can really do is rise above it. Otherwise she will suck you into drama at every turn.

Oh! And consider limiting what she sees on social media. You probably don't want to unfriend her or block her, but you can put some filters up so that she doesn't blow up your feed with constant friendly posts. At the moment, you're in no mood for them, so don't subject yourself to her any more than you have to. (Facebook vacations are also super cleansing, I swear...). Good luck!

morphemes · July 2014

This is definitely a shitty situation, but IMHO you need to let this go. I wouldn't bring it up to her. Honestly you come off sounding pretty entitled in this post. I understand you need to vent--I would probably need to vent too, but now move on.

Your first mistake was adding money into your budget before you actually had that money. Emergencies and other financial issues come up, that's life. Assuming you had that money before you actually had that money in hand is just not a good idea for any situation! Did your MIL screw up? Yea, I would say so. But you are not entitled to any money from her, regardless of whether or not she promised.

It's wonderful that you have supportive parents who were able and willing to pay such a large amount towards your wedding! Be grateful for their support, but don't expect that from anyone, including your MIL. It's not fair to anyone for you to expect contributions (yes even if they are offered). Also, I have to say that your harping on her not getting you a card or a gift is coming off as childish. Is it nice to give a gift or card at a wedding- OF COURSE! Is it required? Heck no. Nothing is required of guests other than that they show up and hopefully treat everyone with respect.

I really think you need to put this behind you. It's done, over and in the past. You have, hopefully, learned an important lesson from this. Don't hound your MIL for that money and just let it go.

MyNameIsNot · July 2014

It sounds like you're over-dramatizing every little thing because you're upset about the $1500.

Yes, it sucks that she didn't (for whatever reason) follow through with the offer to gift you that money. But it was a gift to start with, and never required. You are acting like she backed out of an obligation rather than a gift.

You need to get over this idea that she somehow owed you that money and let this go.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2014

Erm, she's a flaky self-centered person. Telling her that is not going to go well, as her type tends to turn confrontation into the apocalypse. If you love yourself at all, don't pull the trigger.

junebride2k14 · July 2014

Thanks to all for the advice and help. Some of the advice and speculations were a little harsh for a 1st timer like myself, but I still appreciate your time and perspective! Out of the responses thus far, I wanted to address a couple of things: There is no obsession with money, rather I was just trying to accurately and honestly tell the story, however, I can understand how listing the dollar amounts that many times would seem a little obsessive. Also, I'm not generally an entitled person. My parents didn't raise me to be or act that way and I feel embarrassed that it came off like that. I think it was more of me being completely naïve than entitled. I believed her promises and now I know better. I've learned a valuable lesson. Also, as far as the wedding card goes-- I am very sentimental and collect cards. We would both (not just me) love to have a card from her to look back on over the years. Thanks, again! I'm sure I won't address anything with her, mainly out of respect to my husband, but am thankful I had this opportunity to vent.

junebride2k14 · July 2014

KatieinBkln · July 2014

junebride2k14 said:

Thanks to all for the advice and help. Some of the advice and speculations were a little harsh for a 1st timer like myself, but I still appreciate your time and perspective! Out of the responses thus far, I wanted to address a couple of things: There is no obsession with money, rather I was just trying to accurately and honestly tell the story, however, I can understand how listing the dollar amounts that many times would seem a little obsessive. Also, I'm not generally an entitled person. My parents didn't raise me to be or act that way and I feel embarrassed that it came off like that. I think it was more of me being completely naïve than entitled. I believed her promises and now I know better. I've learned a valuable lesson. Also, as far as the wedding card goes-- I am very sentimental and collect cards. We would both (not just me) love to have a card from her to look back on over the years. Thanks, again! I'm sure I won't address anything with her, mainly out of respect to my husband, but am thankful I had this opportunity to vent.

You'll get used to the various, er, "communication styles" pretty fast.

Stick around! We've almost all been through some Real Talk (TM) in our first posts and lived to enjoy another day here.

Starlet514 · July 2014

@Junebride2K14 - so likely for different reasons I had some very similar experiences with my MIL surrounding our wedding - I totally understand your frustrations. I would get side comments about "how nice it must be for my family to be able to spend all this money on a wedding" and how she "cried herself to sleep at night because she wasn't able to help us". Now we didn't spend a ton and my H & I paid for half but the guilt from MIL was UNREAL. For me the worst part was no wedding card (I plan to make a book of all the cards as a keepsake) and she said nothing to us or my mother about it being a nice event. My mom felt terrible and asked me if she had a good time because she said nothing the whole night and looked miserable! Some people are happier being miserable is what I have learned and I am working on not letting her actions bother me. My H has said it's just who she is and not to take any of it peronally which is very hard for me.

Vent away - but let it go - don't give previous time away to something or someone's negativity!! There are too many great things in life!

debbeau · July 2014

I understand the card and sentimentality. I don't save a lot of things but we did save all of our wedding cards. My husband lost both his mom and dad since we have been married and reading those sincere heartfelt sentiments from the bring great memories to us both. I hope you feel better about this situation after talking about it.

ohannabelle · July 2014

Sorry, but this came off as whiney and petulant. And worse.

It honestly sounds like you're looking for things to be pissy about. Like her getting a free hotel. Who the hell cares if she got a free hotel? Why would you even mention that? Why do you so resent that she didn't have to pay? Or as you put it, "got away without paying."

The "most important person here" line? If I heard someone say that, I'd assume they were joking around. Is that a possibility, or is she actually a full blown psychotic narcissist? Uhm, just maybe?

And yes, you two snubbed her publicly by acknowledging your parents, but not taking the time or energy or 5 bucks to make her feel included. Hell yes, she was hurt. Or as you put it, "pouting." And when your husband does a last minute scramble to correct the rudeness by buying her a charm, "Needless to say I wasn't happy with the situation but I wasn't about to let her ruin any part of my wedding day." Because WTF? Yes, him buying his mother a little present might ruin your day.

You call her a freeloader? For accepting hospitality that was offered to her? What the everloving hell. The word is guest. Guest of honor, actually, because she's your husband's mother.

And now she has the nerve to post on your Facebook and text you like she thinks you two might actually have a friendly relationship? Wow. What a bitch. Being friendly and chatty to her new daughter in law. The nerve.

I'm one of the only people here who thinks yes, you should confront her and tell her every single thing you posted here. Read her the post. In front of your husband.

You sound like you really enjoy the drama of being offended and keeping score, and holding grudges, so you should go all the way, and let her know what you think of her "broken promises, inappropriate behavior, and freeloading. "

Not because I think you're even 1% in the right, but I think she deserves to know what kind of person she's actually dealing with, so this poor woman can quit wasting her time making efforts to be friendly. If she accidentally farted in a level 8 hurricane, you'd probably accuse her of trying to cheapskate out of buying air freshener. That freeloader.

I'm sorry, OP, but this letter makes you sound like a not very nice, disrespectful, resentful person. I think you need to check yourself. Big time.

mrsmorales2be · July 2014

@Junebride2k14 - Being a newbie can be tough. We're pretty direct here, as you can see, but it's a lot of fun here, too. PP's have already posted several reasons for side-eyeing your original post, which I won't rehash. I'm glad you feel better after ranting and that you've admitted you've learned from this mistake, but I'm not sure if you're fully owning your responsibility in this mess.

Take some time, get to know the boards, and have fun.

ashley8918 · July 2014

KatieinBkln said:

The best thing to do here is write her a nasty letter outlining all the stuff you're mad about. Then burn that letter. It will be very cleansing, I promise!

THIS. Seriously, it works.

Viczaesar · July 2014

junebride2k14 said:

Thanks to all for the advice and help. Some of the advice and speculations were a little harsh for a 1st timer like myself, but I still appreciate your time and perspective! Out of the responses thus far, I wanted to address a couple of things: There is no obsession with money, rather I was just trying to accurately and honestly tell the story, however, I can understand how listing the dollar amounts that many times would seem a little obsessive. Also, I'm not generally an entitled person. My parents didn't raise me to be or act that way and I feel embarrassed that it came off like that. I think it was more of me being completely naïve than entitled. I believed her promises and now I know better. I've learned a valuable lesson. Also, as far as the wedding card goes-- I am very sentimental and collect cards. We would both (not just me) love to have a card from her to look back on over the years. That still does not obligate anyone to give you a card. Your like of cards should dictate what you do, not what you think others should do. Thanks, again! I'm sure I won't address anything with her, mainly out of respect to my husband, but am thankful I had this opportunity to vent.

lc07 · July 2014

Threadjack: I am not a card person. Should I work on that and give cards to people I know love cards? Or just be me and continue to give "experiences".

hellosweetie1015 · July 2014

@junebride2k14 that situation sucks. It does. And I'm sorry that it happened to you. But this is a lesson I had well and truly learned by my 10th birthday:

Don't count on money promised until it is in your hands. It hurts, and it's a hard lesson to learn when someone you love and care about and trust is the one teaching it, but it's a good lesson to learn. And like PPs said, now you know to graciously thank her and then forget she's offered, so that you can be pleasantly surprised if/when she follows through in future.

As for the card - yeah, I'd be hurt, because I'm another one that loves to keep cards. But that's a tiny thing, and it's not going to be something I would let damage my relationship.

The remark about being the most important person there? Crass, rude, not appropriate, even if said jokingly. It would piss me the HELL off. But, unfortunately, that should have been dealt with when it happened, by someone other than you, and really not by now-DH either. No one else had the chutzpah to say something, so it needs to be let go or it will eat you up and it WILL damage your relationship.

I third (fourth? whatever) the idea to write her a nasty letter, outlining EVERYTHING that has made you feel hurt or slighted, and then BURN IT. It helps to get it out. Venting here helps too.

MOG problems, big time. Help!

Re: MOG problems, big time. Help!

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