Unpopular Opinions - Am I wrong here?

mrscaty · July 2014

So I was perusing WW and I came across ->this<- thread. If you don't want to click here's what it says:

"Long story short, my brother met a close friend of mine and three years later they were married. I had asked her to be a bridesmaid in my April 2015 wedding and found out recently that she's been having an affair. My brother (who is a groomsman) and I are insanely close, so naturally this enraged me and hurt. After consulting with my FH, my father and my MOH I made the decision to remove her from our bridal party given the recent events. She responded back by saying to remove her from the guest list as we'll...and has deleted my from all social media sites. They have agreed to go to counseling and I support him 100% in what he decides. Personally, I felt that my removing her was justified. I don't want someone standing up there next to me while knowing she cheated on my brother...HELP"

So after this, like 30 people commented saying that she is right, she did the right thing, so on and so forth. I disagree. My comment is the last one (I apparently killed the thread with my unpopular opinion). I said this:

"While I understand that you are upset for your brother, you didn't consult him when you decided to remove her from the party. You said that they are trying to work it out, which means they might stay together. Now you have completely alienated her to make yourself feel better. I agree 100% that what she did was wrong, but I would have consulted with your brother to see what his thoughts were."

So my question - who do you side with? OP or me? I won't be offended but I'm curious that I'm the only one who thinks this since no one commented after me.

ETA: Spelling is hard

OliveOilsMom · July 2014

I agree with you. The wedding is still far off. I would have let my brother and his wife work it out. Depending on what happened with them, would determine what I did for the wedding. If they worked things out, I would have kept her in, even if I were still disappointed in her actions. But if they divorced, I would think it would be natural for this BM to remove herself from the wedding. That would keep you from being the bad guy.

MNVegas · July 2014

I would have talked to the brother to see how he felt about his wife still being in the wedding. I mean the bride talked to several other people so it seems odd she would not ask for her brother's opinion. I can certainly understand the bride being upset about what she found out but I am not sure she should have kicked bridesmaid out of the wedding. This could cause even more issues with brother and his wife's already strained relationship.

ETA:Yes I agree with you

BMoreBride6 · July 2014

I think my gut reaction would have been to remove her, but that's also why I don't make decisions in haste. I think the right thing to do would have been to talk it over with her brother first and see what he wanted to do. While the OP may not be able to get over her SIL's actions, it is up to her brother to decide what to do with his relationship, and she may have inadvertently made the situation worse for him by alienating her. The SIL is clearly in the wrong here and I understand why OP felt that way, but again, if her brother is still married to this woman come wedding time, she is still his SO and should be invited to the wedding regardless. Sucky situation all around.

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

The etiquette side of me says to leave her in the party. The human side of mes says to run her over with a car. Hrm... I think there's no easy answer here, and no winning.

Either you have someone standing near you that you despise, and makes a mockery of marriage, or you are considered a hateful bitch. No wins.

pearlsofsteel · July 2014

It really isn't much of my business what my (hypothetical) brother would do in this situation. I wouldn't have hastily reacted and removed her from the WP until they decided whatever it is that they've decided to do about the discretion.

I side with you.

larrygaga · July 2014

Honestly though, it sounds like she had a knee-jerk reaction. I would probably do the same if it were my sibling, but I side with you because that is the right thing to do.

theartistformerlyknownas · July 2014

offensivekitten2 said:

The etiquette side of me says to leave her in the party. The human side of mes says to run her over with a car. Hrm... I think there's no easy answer here, and no winning. Either you have someone standing near you that you despise, and makes a mockery of marriage, or you are considered a hateful bitch. No wins.

Ditto this.

It's a tough situation. We've had family in-laws get basically excommunicated from the family for doing similarly awful things... one family member continues to show up despite her husband not being invited, another sided with his then-FI and we haven't heard from him since. You (general "you" to someone I know isn't here) would have to be willing to lose the relationship with your brother by kicking his wife out, even if she's a dirt bag. Is it worth it to make your point?

Since the wedding isn't until next year, I might even try reconfiguring the whole thing to just have no WP at all versus just "kicking out" one or both of them. I know that's not much better of a solution, but it might keep a tiny bit more of the peace. Especially since nobody should have bought attire yet.

syoun1nj · July 2014

ladygoldfish said:

So I was perusing WW and I came across ->this<- thread. If you don't want to click here's what it says:

"Long story short, my brother met a close friend of mine and three years later they were married. I had asked her to be a bridesmaid in my April 2015 wedding and found out recently that she's been having an affair. My brother (who is a groomsman) and I are insanely close, so naturally this enraged me and hurt. After consulting with my FH, my father and my MOH I made the decision to remove her from our bridal party given the recent events. She responded back by saying to remove her from the guest list as we'll...and has deleted my from all social media sites. They have agreed to go to counseling and I support him 100% in what he decides. Personally, I felt that my removing her was justified. I don't want someone standing up there next to me while knowing she cheated on my brother...HELP"

So after this, like 30 people commented saying that she is right, she did the right thing, so on and so forth. I disagree. My comment is the last one (I apparently killed the thread with my unpopular opinion). I said this:

"While I understand that you are upset for your brother, you didn't consult him when you decided to remove her from the party. You said that they are trying to work it out, which means they might stay together. Now you have completely alienated her to make yourself feel better. I agree 100% that what she did was wrong, but I would have consulted with your brother to see what his thoughts were."

So my question - who do you side with? OP or me? I won't be offended but I'm curious that I'm the only one who thinks this since no one commented after me.

ETA: Spelling is hard

I had the exact same thought at you but didn't post it because those ladies are crazy and I wasn't in the mood. There's a new one today about a pregnant bridesmaid not attending fittings or planning parties that I did post on. Everyone said "give her an out."

lyndausvi · July 2014

ladygoldfish said:

So I was perusing WW and I came across ->this<- thread. If you don't want to click here's what it says:

"Long story short, my brother met a close friend of mine and three years later they were married. I had asked her to be a bridesmaid in my April 2015 wedding and found out recently that she's been having an affair. My brother (who is a groomsman) and I are insanely close, so naturally this enraged me and hurt. After consulting with my FH, my father and my MOH I made the decision to remove her from our bridal party given the recent events. She responded back by saying to remove her from the guest list as we'll...and has deleted my from all social media sites. They have agreed to go to counseling and I support him 100% in what he decides. Personally, I felt that my removing her was justified. I don't want someone standing up there next to me while knowing she cheated on my brother...HELP"

So after this, like 30 people commented saying that she is right, she did the right thing, so on and so forth. I disagree. My comment is the last one (I apparently killed the thread with my unpopular opinion). I said this:

"While I understand that you are upset for your brother, you didn't consult him when you decided to remove her from the party. You said that they are trying to work it out, which means they might stay together. Now you have completely alienated her to make yourself feel better. I agree 100% that what she did was wrong, but I would have consulted with your brother to see what his thoughts were."

So my question - who do you side with? OP or me? I won't be offended but I'm curious that I'm the only one who thinks this since no one commented after me.

ETA: Spelling is hard

I totally agree with what you said. I understand the knee jerk reactions, but this is why they are not a good idea.

I learned the hard way and lost friends over me judging one half of a couple who was having an affair too quickly. I too made a knee jerk choice in support of the wronged person only to have it come back and bit me in the ass when they got back together.

In these situations it's always best to be there for the wronged party, listen to the person but not bad mouth or alienate the other person too early.

I have learned in my old age that a lot of couple continue to be together after affairs. Alienating too early can cause problems for everyone around.

The wedding is in April 2015, plenty of time to let this thing work it self-out. Doesn't mean she had to keep the SIL in the wedding, but there are better ways to handle the situation. Waiting until things cooled down helps. It's not as raw. Talking it over with the brother over the MOH and father would allow her to gain a better perspective also.

RebeccaB88 · July 2014

I'm on your side too. PPs just said everything I would say.

amakayeb · July 2014

I would have talked to my brother, but, as someone with strong religious views about marriage, I would have also had a very hard time having her standing by my side before the altar while making my vows. I wouldn't have handled it the way it was handled here, though, and she definitely needed to have discussions with her brother and SIL instead of the MOH...

Kauris · July 2014

I am an admittedly emotional person, so I do understand the Bride's POV. However since I am trying to work on my emotional reactions, and make better decisions that aren't emotionally based, I would have waited to see what brother wanted me to do.

ohannabelle · July 2014

Do I sympathize with and understand the OP? Hell, yes. Would I have acted on it?

Not in a million years. Because exactly what @lyndausvi said. I've seen too many couples get back together after what seem like unforgivable/relationship ending things. And then suddenly, you're not the understanding friend, you're the enemy who didn't believe in their relationship. Sometimes, it just about kills me to keep my mouth shut. But I do.

lovesclimbing · July 2014

The first thing I thought of was, kicking out a BM is friendship-ending. And from the BM's response, it sounds like it definitely was friendship-ending in this case.

Say, they get back together. Now, the bride and BM are enemies (unless the BM decides to forgive and forget, but it sounds like neither of them would), and poor brother is stuck in the middle. Except, he'll probably tend to side with his wife over his sister and the bride may lose her brother in the process.

doeydo · July 2014

I side with you. No one knows what was going on in their relationship at the time except for them, and I am not saying it is OK to cheat, but there is usually more to the story than others see. For example, I had quite a rebellious faze in which I slept with a lot of men with no strings attached. Now, I was single at the time, but if I was with someone, I was at such a bad place at the time that I don't think I could/would have stopped myself. Another individual I know had issues with her SO because he looked like a relative that abused her and she would have flashbacks when being intimate with him; she also turned to other men as I did.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

The bride should have discussed things with her brother, and only her brother. She should not have discussed his personal business with other people; her brothet may have been trying to keep thibgs private in order to attempt a reconciliation and counseling with his wife.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

I guess I'm the unpopular opinion here! I would have removed her from the bridal party, as well. At the point of adultery and infidelity, I think I'd want to distance myself from her as much as possible and let my brother handle his marriage however he wants. So what if they work things out? Her position in my bridal party should have nothing to do with their personal problems. Also, them working it out it doesn't mean that I'm required to trust her and continue liking her myself. I would obviously be a mature adult and maintain a civil in-law relationship with her (and perhaps sometime in the future we might get close again), but I'm extremely unforgiving of people who hurt my loved ones. Our own relationship would be strained, and I'm not interested in letting my wedding be the bridge that gets us all over the troubled waters (which I know is advice we give to many posters who hope to resolve family issues by inviting estranged family members to their weddings). In the midst of the affair/recovery period, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want anything to do with her. This is especially true if a wedding is involved; I'd never want a her to stand beside me while I recite the very vows that she broke against my own brother. ETA I can't seem to make paragraphs on the first try anymore, ever.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

lovesclimbing said:

The first thing I thought of was, kicking out a BM is friendship-ending. And from the BM's response, it sounds like it definitely was friendship-ending in this case.

Say, they get back together. Now, the bride and BM are enemies (unless the BM decides to forgive and forget, but it sounds like neither of them would), and poor brother is stuck in the middle. Except, he'll probably tend to side with his wife over his sister and the bride may lose her brother in the process.

***SITB***

Cheating on my brother is friendship-ending. Besides, depending on how you approach the conversation with the bridesmaid, she should be MORE than understanding that her actions have consequences. I can't imagine any grown adult thinking that they'll just be welcome to remain in the good graces (let alone bridal party!) of someone whose sibling they are married to & have an affair behind the back of. This is how I would word it to my SIL: "Given the circumstances regarding you and my brother, I'm not comfortable with having you stand up beside me on my wedding day at this point. I think that it's best if you were no longer involved in the bridal party while you and my brother work things out. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from."

KatieinBkln · July 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

lovesclimbing said:

The first thing I thought of was, kicking out a BM is friendship-ending. And from the BM's response, it sounds like it definitely was friendship-ending in this case.

Say, they get back together. Now, the bride and BM are enemies (unless the BM decides to forgive and forget, but it sounds like neither of them would), and poor brother is stuck in the middle. Except, he'll probably tend to side with his wife over his sister and the bride may lose her brother in the process.

***SITB***

Cheating on my brother is friendship-ending. Besides, depending on how you approach the conversation with the bridesmaid, she should be MORE than understanding that her actions have consequences. I can't imagine any grown adult thinking that they'll just be welcome to remain in the good graces (let alone bridal party!) of someone whose sibling they are married to & have an affair behind the back of. This is how I would word it to my SIL: "Given the circumstances regarding you and my brother, I'm not comfortable with having you stand up beside me on my wedding day at this point. I think that it's best if you were no longer involved in the bridal party while you and my brother work things out. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from."

Yeah, I'm with you on this, @JellyBean52513. I think this particular person went about it in a bass-ackwards way, but if I were her, I would've kicked the woman out of my BP. Sure, they may get back together. But actions have consequences, and the action of cheating on my sibling results in the consequence of losing my friendship.

My sister was cheated on. She divorced the bum, but even if they had gotten back together, I would never be close with him again. I would be civil at Christmas and whatever, but he would occupy no special positions of honor in my wedding, or my life. I would be very clear with my sister that I respect her and her decisions, and will be civil, but no one can make me forgive someone who hurts my family. I would like to think I wouldn't let it get to the point where my sibling would feel they have to choose between me and their partner, but I would also like to think that my sibling would totally understand why I would not want that partner in my wedding.

OnionBreath · July 2014

I think it's the brother's decision. She can always be removed from the wedding. Worst case scenario, the bride might have to pay for her dress. But if there's a chance the couple is getting back together, she might still be her SIL at the wedding and for another 50 years. Way to put brother in a tough spot

KatieinBkln · July 2014

OnionBreath said:

I think it's the brother's decision. She can always be removed from the wedding. Worst case scenario, the bride might have to pay for her dress. But if there's a chance the couple is getting back together, she might still be her SIL at the wedding and for another 50 years. Way to put brother in a tough spot

See, I totally get running it by the brother, but is it really his decision who is in his sister's bridal party? I also can see why the OP might have decided not to stir the waters if she had discussed it with him and found out that brother wanted to reconcile, but it is still her wedding, right? I don't know if I could stand there next to someone who disrespected my brother, regardless of whether he had forgiven her or not.

lizzypoo96 · July 2014

Can I agree with everything said?

This bride says she'll support whatever he does 100%- but removing this girl from her WP kind of also shows that's not how she feels.

That being said, I would never forgive my SIL if she cheated on my brother. BUT, if he was committed to making it work, I would have to support them and appear as if we had all forgotten about it.

lyndausvi · July 2014

I would also remove the SIL from my wedding party. But for the sake of my relationship with my brother I would discuss with him how to go about doing that. I would not make it a knee-jerk you are no longer in my wedding you fucking bitch move.

I would not even make it about me and my wedding early on. Its a wedding 9 months away. So not important right now. My siblings possible nieces/nephews need my support right now. Not worry about a stupid WP on a wedding far out. I would let things calm down. Then pick a good time to let the in-law that I would not be comfortable having them in the wedding right now after I talked to my sibling to give them the heads up. Not asking them for permission, but a courtesy talk. Especially if they were to get back together. I would say "Hey, due to the situation I no longer think spouse should be in the wedding. I hope you understand and respect my feelings".

People going through these situations have enough problems, they do not need family opinions and actions interfering early on.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

OnionBreath said:

I think it's the brother's decision. She can always be removed from the wedding. Worst case scenario, the bride might have to pay for her dress. But if there's a chance the couple is getting back together, she might still be her SIL at the wedding and for another 50 years. Way to put brother in a tough spot

SITB

I went back to the actual thread on Wedding Wire, and the OP did end up posting that of course she talked to her brother first and he was 100% understanding of her desire to remove the sister from the bridal party. That being said, I still don't see how this puts her brother in a tough spot. It's HER side of the bridal party. We ALWAYS tell posters here not to feel pressure to include their siblings' partners just because, that their side of the bridal party is their side to choose their attendants for.

What if it were this scenario: "My brother really wants me to include his wife as a bridesmaid, but I know she cheated on him in the past and we haven't been close ever since. He keeps telling me that it's putting him between a rock and a hard place, because he's a groomsman and she's going to feel left out and alienated if I don't include her. What should I do??" I'll bet any amount of money that not a single poster here would tell her that she should just suck it up and include the brother's wife as a bridesmaid so as not to cause the brother further turmoil.

Just because the OP's brother is currently going through the affair with his wife, that isn't the OP's problem. She doesn't need to bear any responsibility for their relationship by including or not including the SIL. They need to work on their marriage with each other, and other family members should actually be giving them space and privacy to do so. If the SIL holds a grudge against the brother, or even the OP, for being removed as a bridesmaid then she's immature and selfish beyond comprehension.

ashleyep · July 2014

lizzypoo96 said:

Can I agree with everything said?

This bride says she'll support whatever he does 100%- but removing this girl from her WP kind of also shows that's not how she feels.

That being said, I would never forgive my SIL if she cheated on my brother. BUT, if he was committed to making it work, I would have to support them and appear as if we had all forgotten about it.

That's how I feel. If my husband cheated on me and I decided to take him back, I would want my siblings/family/friends/whatever to respect my decision. If I'm able to move past it, I would hope you can too and not hold it against him forever.

While I can certainly understand the relationship cooling down between the two of you, I'd probably err on the side of discussing it with my brother and doing whatever is going to make him the most comfortable.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

Just FTR, copy & pasted from the original Wedding Wire thread:

I talked to my brother about it and he said he understood 100% prior to me asking her not to be in the bridal party. I would NEVER have done it without consulting with him first. We are too close for me to not talk with him about it.

Not sure if this changes anybody's opinion/feelings on the matter. Perhaps it's just me, but my idea of showing respect for my brother's decision to work things out with the woman who had an affair would be to allow her to still attend the wedding. To uninvite her altogether would be the most disrespectful, friendship-ending move with my brother. Removing her from the bridal party, a group of people that are my nearest and dearest that I want to stand beside me on the most important day of my life, is a completely personal decision for me and me alone to make, and that should have no bearing on whether or not my brother and his wife work things out.

Besides, I just gotta throw this out there: why should any of the family members be bending over backwards to smooth things over & keep things copacetic while the brother and his wife reconcile?? This concept strikes me as saying "Ooh, Brother, I'm so glad you guys are going to work things out! Of COURSE I'll keep her in the bridal party, I wouldn't want to do anything to throw you guys off track while you get through this mess!" Ok, the SIL is the one who cheated. SHE'S the one who should be kissing everybody's ass and hoping to stay in the good graces of her husband's family should HE choose to forgive her and stay in the marriage. The brother of course will need support from his family, but aside from being mature and civil for his sake, nobody in his family NEEDS to be friends with her and certainly not so intimately as a bride-to-be with one of her nearest and dearest. Remember what we always tell posters who have questions about inviting their friends with abusive/shitty partners? "Actions have consequences, and one of the consequences of being with a douchebag is that you friends and family might choose not put up with their douchiness and you will be a casualty of that choice." A cheating spouse = douchebag. Removing said douchebag from bridal party after consulting with brother = completely within OP's rights.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

Well, that's something the SIL should've thought about before she violated her marriage.

Knottie3720666 · July 2014

I can def. see why it would make sense to consult with the brother before removing her from the wedding party. I think both opinions are right..it's just a matter of what's right for them. Personally, my wedding party consists of people that I truly love and respect and if one of them does something majorly morally wrong(in my eyes), I would lose respect for that person. I personally would not feel comfortable keeping someone as a bridesmaid after I have lost respect for them. The fact that the woman was offended and acted childish when she found out that she was removed from the bridal party says a lot about her character

Unpopular Opinions - Am I wrong here?

Re: Unpopular Opinions - Am I wrong here?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards