FMIL wants to speak at Reception

Re: FMIL wants to speak at Reception

• msuprincess04 member

  

  July 2014

  At our wedding we had DH, the MOH, the BM, and my brother give short speeches. As we hosted it, the rest spoke because they wanted to and we gave them each a minute. I don't think a speech necessarily means that they hosted, but if you aren't comfortable having her speak, then you can just tell her that you are skipping speeches, or are having limited speeches at the wedding so you can get to partying, but she's welcome to speak at the RD. 

  "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"

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• ohannabelle member

  

  July 2014

  No, anyone may make a speech or offer a toast. I wouldn't raise an eyebrow at a parent offering a short speech, or think it was AW-ish. Is there some reason you'd think this? Does she typically use events to seize attention, or slight people? 

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• AddieCake member

  

  July 2014

  Meh....I think you are making a bigger deal than necessary about this.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• JoanE2012 member

  

  July 2014

  I see nothing wrong with FMIL giving a one minute speech.   I'd be more worried that denying her that one minute potentially might haunt you for years.

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• lc07 member

  

  July 2014

  There should be no speeches at your wedding. I'm sure the PPs mean "toasts" - short and sweet. It does not mean she is hosting if she offers a toast. I would allow her to. If your mom doesn't want to, that's on her. She doesn't have to because the MOG does.

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• pearlsofsteel member

  

  July 2014

  I can see why you think there's an AW element to this, with her response of "why not both?" Well, if you wanted to say something because you want your son and his bride to hear it, you'll say it whenever... 

  
  

  Since you aren't hosting the wedding and your mother is, I'd say ask her. She may not care at all.

  
  

  I'm also coming from a place where everyone is asking to give speeches at our reception and I've come to realize that, most of the time, this isn't about me and FH, it is about them wanting to have some sort of spotlight/platform (I'm surrounded by narcissists, legitimately). These are usually the same people who throw fits about things WR to get attention from the family to be comforted and appeased. 

  
  

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• AlexaF2014 member

  

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  Thanks all. @AddieCake I totally might be, I just had a gut reaction when she asked, and if I'm out of line, you ladies will make sure I know it. @Ic07 IDK if she wants to make a speech or toast... If she wants to say "I love you both, may you have many happy years together" or "My baby is so grown up, I raised him so well, this is the happiest and saddest day of my life"... sometimes she seems to make everything about her... not all the time, and I hope she wouldn't do that on our wedding day, but again, gut reaction. How would I tell her toasts are okay but speeches are not? @pearlsofsteel kinda yeah to everything. ETA there were paragraphs, I swear

  

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  July 2014

  pearlsofsteel said:

  I can see why you think there's an AW element to this, with her response of "why not both?" Well, if you wanted to say something because you want your son and his bride to hear it, you'll say it whenever... 

  
  

  Since you aren't hosting the wedding and your mother is, I'd say ask her. She may not care at all.

  
  

  I'm also coming from a place where everyone is asking to give speeches at our reception and I've come to realize that, most of the time, this isn't about me and FH, it is about them wanting to have some sort of spotlight/platform (I'm surrounded by narcissists, legitimately). These are usually the same people who throw fits about things WR to get attention from the family to be comforted and appeased. 

  
  ^^^ This 100%. You can have someone say a blessing if you want. 30 seconds. Then all start eating. Your mom or dad should welcome the guests and thank them for coming. 30 seconds. They may give a toast. 30 seconds again. If BM or MOH want to give toasts, then that's another minute. That's enough. Your MIL can do her schtick the night before.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  July 2014

  NYCMercedes said:

  pearlsofsteel said:

  I can see why you think there's an AW element to this, with her response of "why not both?" Well, if you wanted to say something because you want your son and his bride to hear it, you'll say it whenever... 

  
  

  Since you aren't hosting the wedding and your mother is, I'd say ask her. She may not care at all.

  
  

  I'm also coming from a place where everyone is asking to give speeches at our reception and I've come to realize that, most of the time, this isn't about me and FH, it is about them wanting to have some sort of spotlight/platform (I'm surrounded by narcissists, legitimately). These are usually the same people who throw fits about things WR to get attention from the family to be comforted and appeased. 

  
  ^^^ This 100%. You can have someone say a blessing if you want. 30 seconds. Then all start eating. Your mom or dad should welcome the guests and thank them for coming. 30 seconds. They may give a toast. 30 seconds again. If BM or MOH want to give toasts, then that's another minute. That's enough. Your MIL can do her schtick the night before.

  Her parents don't have to do a toast or welcome, just because they are hosting. It's perfectly fine to just have the MOH and the BM to the toasts. I've been to plenty of weddings where the parents don't say anything (including my own.)

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  What harm is there in letter her do it?  Just hope that she is sober.  It doesn't reflect on you.  Let her have her two minutes.
  I helped plan and pay for my daughter's wedding, and I sat quietly like a proper MOB and let my DH do the welcome speech.  He didn't lift a finger to plan that wedding.  Sometimes I should be more assertive.
  

  

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• AlexaF2014 member

  

  July 2014

  Sleeping on it has given me some perspective. I can't really control what she says, and saying "no" would likely have effects in our relationship later. Eh, if she says anything in poor taste, it reflects on her not me. And, she might just say something very sweet... I guess the only part that still bothers me is that she seems to care more about how many people hear her say it than just saying it to us. But, whatever, if she wants a spotlight minute, it doesn't make me any less married.

  
  

  Thanks again everyone for talking me down, or sharing your own "spotlight stealer" stories.

  

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  July 2014

  AlexaF2014 said:

  Is someone other than the host speaking at an event an etiquette faux pas (would guests perceive her as the host)? And, as a guest, would you think the MOG speaking at the reception is AWish?
  

  For what it's worth, I've been to weddings where the mic was available for any guest who wanted to get up and toast the couple! Most of them have had toasts from the bride's & groom's parents, MOH, and BM at least. I don't see them as an indication of who's hosting, more as an opportunity to publicly wish the couple well. Some can be AWish about it, but like you said that reflects back on them not the couple

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  July 2014

  When my sister married, my dad was so excited that finally one of his little girls was getting married that he had an entire speech planned.  My FH and I took it upon ourselves to talk him down and enforce the 2 minute time limit.  Pretty sure when it came down to it, he ended up talking longer than 2minutes, but not too much longer, and it was cute and entertaining.  But we were all, "nobody's going to listen for longer than 2 minutes.  you really don't want to but up there as people start to have personal conversations at their table because you're taking too long.  for reals, practice it and time yourself, because we'll turn off the mic at 2 minutes."

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• vmj23 member

  

  July 2014

  My MIL gave quick speech/toast at ours. I don't see any big deal with it.  I doubt anyone associated that with hosting, or really cared.   It was very " i love my son he's so perfect blah blah blah" thats just how she is, but no harm in her doing it. 

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