Facebook Etiquette

OnionBreath · July 2014

Ok I know you're not supposed to share a lot on facebook, but my mother posted our wedding date on facebook. My fiance's family doesn't know it yet, but they aren't connected to my mother so I don't think that will be an issue (he's supposed to tell her Saturday). But we are likely only inviting 30-50 people, and a ton of people responded to her post that they are "looking forward to it"....but they aren't even remotely invited. Her library friends said they would make food for my shower on the post. I'm not inviting them! I'm not sure what to do with this

lyndausvi · July 2014

I would just tell you mom that you would prefer her to no post about the wedding day. Explain that not everyone is invited and you do not want to have to deal with awkward conversations. Also that your in-laws do not know yet (although I do not quite understand why they don't know).

OnionBreath · July 2014

My future mother in law has been insisting that we have a double wedding with her daughter. She is not going to be happy that we decided otherwise, even though we've been telling her we didn't want that. She's made threats about us not doing it. I booked the venue today, he's talking to her on Saturday

April192002 · July 2014

OnionBreath said:

My future mother in law has been insisting that we have a double wedding with her daughter. She is not going to be happy that we decided otherwise, even though we've been telling her we didn't want that. She's made threats about us not doing it. I booked the venue today, he's talking to her on Saturday

Stuck in Box.
WHAT!?! She's made threats? Like they're not going to attend or put money towards the wedding? I'm curious!

OnionBreath · July 2014

Like she won't attend the wedding.

She was willing to pay for almost all of it if we did a double wedding. When she first suggested it, we thought she was joking but she got progressively serious. Ok, thanks, but we don't want that. They are inviting an absolute ton of people, his mother is planning the entire thing without her daughter's input (i feel terrible, she's really timid).... she was making me really depressed to the point where we were thinking about eloping.

She told him to send her a postcard from the honeymoon since she wont be at the wedding. It's so bizarre because a few months ago, she was a wonderful person to me

lyndausvi · July 2014

sounds like a crazy woman.

OnionBreath · July 2014

She's becoming that way, she wasn't in the past. I don't really undertand it.

NYCMercedes · July 2014

Ask your mom to take it off FB and ask her to give you a chance to tell your future inlaws. Not cool mom!

April192002 · July 2014

Weddings make people do crazy things! I say you and your FI forget her. It kind of blows that she says she won't attend but if she stays crazy, do you really want her there and possibly create a scene or start trying to take over things? As long as your FI's okay with it, and with you getting a date and venue on your own it sounds like he is, then you're good.

When it comes to your mom and her facebook, you can ask her to remove the post, or not post anything else, because of the issues you are already encountering. If SHE wants to pay for the wedding and all of her FB friends to be there, then great...post away!

OnionBreath · July 2014

Well, we are hoping she is bluffing. We don't want her to avoid our wedding by any means. She's so unreasonable. We are hoping that eventually she calms down. We love her, it's his mom. He would be heartbroken if she didn't attend and it would affect their relationship long-term. But after a few months of processing this, we arent willing to let her control the beginning of our lives together or any part of it. So if she doesn't come, I mean, that's on her.

hellosweetie1015 · July 2014

FI actually had to figure out what to do about his mom and Facebook. The night we got engaged, she shared the picture of my ring LONG before I intended for it to be out, and before we'd even decided IF we were going to go Facebook-official since neither one of us really uses our Facebooks. Then when we asked for her and FFIL's input on our wedding "website" (it currently sucks, haha), she shared it as well LONG before I wanted it out.

She has been put on a need-to-know basis, haha. Not sure if that will work for you, but so far it's worked for us.

I'm so sorry it's such a mess with your FMIL. I hope she is bluffing too, for your FI's sake. Surely she will realize that and get it straightened out, hopefully with a sincere apology for being such a terror.

Senecaf · July 2014

Your FMIL sounds BSC. A double wedding? For real?

I would ask your mother to not post anything going forward. Just explain it to her as you did here. You plan to keep it small and intimate and do not want people expecting invites.

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

Wow..... what a shame that she won't be attending...

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

OnionBreath said:

Like she won't attend the wedding.

She was willing to pay for almost all of it if we did a double wedding. When she first suggested it, we thought she was joking but she got progressively serious. Ok, thanks, but we don't want that. They are inviting an absolute ton of people, his mother is planning the entire thing without her daughter's input (i feel terrible, she's really timid).... she was making me really depressed to the point where we were thinking about eloping.

She told him to send her a postcard from the honeymoon since she wont be at the wedding. It's so bizarre because a few months ago, she was a wonderful person to me

How odd. What a bizarre, controlling, manipulative woman. Definitely ignore her antics and move forward with planning your own (separate) wedding.

As for your mom, just ask her to not put anything about the wedding on FB. It's a reasonable request and as long as she isn't BSC like your FMIL, I'm sure it'll be a non-issue.

OnionBreath · July 2014

It IS odd. She's not normally controlling or manipulative. I feel bad saying some of this about her but, she's made me feel really bad the last few months and was ruining the process. I never thought I'd have a bad inlaw situation! I just thought that was for movies and jokes.

I told my mom that we aren't inviting all of her fb friends to the wedding and we were hoping to be discreet about things until we finalize our guest list. We don't want to hurt anyones feelings. She told me I'm overemotional and everything is fine and that her lady friends would still come to my shower whether invited to the wedding or not. I told her I don't want to be rude to them ebcause they aren't invited. She told me I was being silly.

I'm done with drama in my family right now. I am just leaving it with that for now. If she says things, it's a reflection on her right? not me?

Someone on here mentioned a limited sharing policy with the parents... I guess I will have to adopt that which is sad...I want to share with them. But anyway, dress shopping tomorrow, I'll just be excitd about it.

KatieinBkln · July 2014

OnionBreath said: It IS odd. She's not normally controlling or manipulative. I feel bad saying some of this about her but, she's made me feel really bad the last few months and was ruining the process. I never thought I'd have a bad inlaw situation! I just thought that was for movies and jokes.

I told my mom that we aren't inviting all of her fb friends to the wedding and we were hoping to be discreet about things until we finalize our guest list. We don't want to hurt anyones feelings. She told me I'm overemotional and everything is fine and that her lady friends would still come to my shower whether invited to the wedding or not. I told her I don't want to be rude to them ebcause they aren't invited. She told me I was being silly.

I'm done with drama in my family right now. I am just leaving it with that for now. If she says things, it's a reflection on her right? not me?

Someone on here mentioned a limited sharing policy with the parents... I guess I will have to adopt that which is sad...I want to share with them. But anyway, dress shopping tomorrow, I'll just be excitd about it.

It is very interesting to me how often weddings seem to accelerate the natural "growing up/letting go" process between parents and children. I mean, obviously you're an adult, and if you say, "Mom, I feel like it makes me look rude when you imply all over facebook that lots of people will be invited and they're not," what mom should say is, "Oh, I never thought of it that way. I'll delete the post, sorry!" Instead, we see (not just with you and your mom--this dynamic is ALL OVER these boards): "Oh, hush, don't be silly, I'm your mother, I'm right."

The thing is, mommies often are right. They've lived longer, and we can take their advice (and most often would be wise to). But it's amazing to me how many mothers are still clinging to the idea that their child is still A child, and needs to be told what to do rather than simply having a conversation.

It's not totally the moms' faults--I can understand that it's a weird transition. But holy man, moms! Life is easier if you let your children be adults, rather than forcing them to "make" you accept it by shutting you out, ignoring you, or giving you a firm talking to. In this example, I doubt your mother would tell a friend who asked her nicely to remove a post that they are "being silly." Even if she thought as much, I bet she'd treat her friend with the respect two adults have for each other and just take the thing down. But when the adult in question is a daughter/son, apparently the rules of adult interactions don't apply. Ugh.

ETA: wtf quote boxes, paragraphs

OnionBreath · July 2014

Totallllllly! It's like: I'm an adult, I am being logical and I'm expressing myself the way she taught me to. But for doing so, I'm being chastised and told I'm wrong without consideration. Worse, she's likely going to talk to her library friends (she volunteers there a lot and works there sometimes), and they will have a chat about how silly I'm being and how they know they won't be invited and its just something they do. I am just going to get over it. The worst case scenario for that conversation was that she has a fit over me NOT inviting all of those people and saying that they must be invited and she will pay for them (by taking out loans against their house and from their 401k). She didn't at all though. I've been talking to her all along about it being a small wedding and she's continuing to accept that (probably because she has another daughter who's likely going to expect them to pay or everything some day )

RebeccaB88 · July 2014

Send FMIL here. We'll straighten her out.

mollybarker11 · July 2014

Senecaf said:

Your FMIL sounds BSC. A double wedding? For real?

This. I mean, to each their own, but I've only ever heard of double-weddings in soap operas haha. Seems like a really OTT thing to insist upon.

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