NWR: Feeling bad for my coworker today

ashley8918 · July 2014

GAHHHH, I'm feeling so horrible for one of my coworkers today. Her first grandchild was born 5 months ago (hooray!) and she's so precious. She sees her once a week when her son and daughter-in-law bring her over for dinner, but not much more.

So, she took this Friday off and asked if she could babysit her granddaughter. After 4 days of hemming an hawing about it, her son finally called back and said "Listen mom, Amy (his wife) and I have literally been fighting over this. I'm sorry. Please don't be upset. Amy isn't comfortable with you babysitting".

WHAT?! Seriously? The fuck is her problem? This is the sweetest, most caring woman I have ever met! It's her granddaughter! ANd she raised three kid, including one that Amy thought was good enough to marry. Oh, and Amy's mom get's to babysit 3 days a week. And her younger sisters babysit all the time.

My co-worker (let's call her Sue) is devastated. She actually broke into tears at work today. She is absolutely heartbroken and told her son that she doesn't want to hear from him again until they are ready to apologize.

I really feel for her, but I kind of feel like she is putting the brunt of the blame on her son and I don't think that's really fair. I agree that he should stand up to his wife about this, but it sounds like he tried. What elese is he supposed to to; sneak the baby over to his mom's? What do you guys think?

MrsMcCaw · July 2014

I think she should go over and talk to Amy face to face and ask what her problem is.

larrygaga · July 2014

I'm sure there's more to it than that

ashley8918 · July 2014

Eh, I don't think that this is the case. I know her quite well outside of work as well, and there is no reason that she shouldn't be trusted.

JasperandOpal · July 2014

That is horrible. Maybe she could ask Amy to meet her for lunch/coffee one day and she could ask her what she needs to do to make Amy more comfortable or what is holding Amy back from letting her babysit. Or even talk to them both next time they come over for dinner.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

Am I weird for thinking this isn't that horrible? The baby is five months old. Some parents may not feel comfortable leaving a baby at that age, even though they would be comfortable with the MIL visiting if they're together.

There are definitely nicer ways to phrase it, but on principle I think it's fine for a parent to say they aren't ready to leave the baby with Grandma yet.

What I think is horrible is that the co-worker threw his wife under the bus.

JasperandOpal · July 2014

JCbride2015 said:

Am I weird for thinking this isn't that horrible? The baby is five months old. Some parents may not feel comfortable leaving a baby at that age, even though they would be comfortable with the MIL visiting if they're together.

There are definitely nicer ways to phrase it, but on principle I think it's fine for a parent to say they aren't ready to leave the baby with Grandma yet.

What I think is horrible is that the co-worker threw his wife under the bus.

When I first read it, I definitely agreed with you. My brother and his wife didn't let anyone babysit my niece until she was 6 months old because they had maternity/paternity leave so they didn't really need to. But then I saw that "Amy" lets her own mom and sister babysit. If she is comfortable with her own family babysitting, she should be comfortable with her husband's mom babysitting. Unless of course there is more to the story that we aren't hearing, which is absolutely possible.

hellosweetie1015 · July 2014

I dunno. I can see not wanting to leave your baby with people at 5 months, but leaving the baby with her mom but not his mom? Without more information, I don't see that as fair at all. Granted there may be extenuating circumstances that you aren't aware of, but I know that if I told my MIL that I didn't want her watching Baby CaitTDid, but I was perfectly fine leaving the munchkin with my mom/sisters, my MIL would flip her shit. Of course, both moms are so excited about grandkids that we literally could not do that to them.

My dad will not be allowed to drive my munchkins though. FI and I discussed it, by which I mean I said "My dad is not allowed to drive our future munchkins" and FI said "Oh thank god you said it and not me."

emmaaa · July 2014

One of my family's very good friends had a son who got married and tried for years to conceive with is wife. They went through a lot of alternative methods (with substantial financial help from his parents) and finally were able to not only conceive, but give birth to a set of healthy triplets.

Once the triplets were born, the wife told her MIL that she was not allowed to come over to even VISIT the babies. At first we all thought that she was trying to keep the babies fro being exposed to germs and getting sick but later found out she was letting her mom and her friends come over and even babysit.

Your story reminds me of my family friend and ultimately that situation drove a wedge in their marriage and the son ended up divorcing his wife.

I'm sorry your co-worker is going trhough this. There may be more to the story but from the facts that you know and provided to us, it seems that "Amy" is being totally unreasonable.

Maggie0829 · July 2014

Sounds like "Amy" has some issues with her MIL that you aren't privy to. It may be time for your co-worker to speak with "Amy" to see what is up.

littlemushroom · July 2014

I think there is something going on that you don't see since you aren't related.

I have a friend who has a SIL that runs a daycare out of her house. SIL has 3 kids. To people who don't see her at home, SIL is sweet as pie. She's great in public. But in the privacy of her home (in front of family and friends), all she does is yell and scream at her kids and any kids that are over visiting (nieces and nephews). My friend does not want her SIL to watch her new baby, ever. To anyone not family or close friends, they wouldn't understand why.

Another friend has a MIL who watches her other grandkids sometimes. Those kids are 10 and 8. MIL does not get out of bed while they are there. She sleeps most of the time and the kids have to go in and wake her up to ask permission to do things. Her roommate ends up having to feed the kids breakfast and lunch because she won't get up. That friend doesn't trust the MIL to watch her infant because she doesn't trust her to actually get up to take care of the baby. Even family doesn't understand her reluctance to leave the baby with her, but I think she has made a good call.

Finally, I have friends whose mothers ignores their instructions for how to care for the kids and then lies about what she did. They have the attitude that they raised kids and can do whatever they want with their grandkids, including giving them food they shouldn't have and allowing them to do things they have been directed not to allow. Those moms have almost lost the right to watch their grandkids because they won't listen, even when the pediatrician is the one that made the recommendation. They are the sweetest ladies in every other situation, but they are unreasonable when it comes to what they should do with their grandkids. The moms see nothing wrong with ignoring anything the parents have said in regards to the care of their children.

My point is that people can be absolutely great in every situation that you see, and totally unreasonable when it comes to the care of grandkids or even totally different at home with family than out with friends or at work.

ashley8918 · July 2014

JasperandOpal said:

That is horrible. Maybe she could ask Amy to meet her for lunch/coffee one day and she could ask her what she needs to do to make Amy more comfortable or what is holding Amy back from letting her babysit. Or even talk to them both next time they come over for dinner.

I think that is a good idea. Especially since she will hopefully have time to calm down by then. It's hard to have a good conversation when someone is so upset.

ashley8918 · July 2014

JCbride2015 said:

Am I weird for thinking this isn't that horrible? The baby is five months old. Some parents may not feel comfortable leaving a baby at that age, even though they would be comfortable with the MIL visiting if they're together.

There are definitely nicer ways to phrase it, but on principle I think it's fine for a parent to say they aren't ready to leave the baby with Grandma yet.

What I think is horrible is that the co-worker threw his wife under the bus.

But she is comfortable leaving the baby with several other people, just not her MIL for some unknown reason.

I also don't really think that he "threw her under the bus". She is being pretty unreasonable and he doesn't agree with her. I wouldn't want to let my mom believe that I agreed with something like this either.

ashley8918 · July 2014

CaitTDid23 said:

I dunno. I can see not wanting to leave your baby with people at 5 months, but leaving the baby with her mom but not his mom? Without more information, I don't see that as fair at all. Granted there may be extenuating circumstances that you aren't aware of, but I know that if I told my MIL that I didn't want her watching Baby CaitTDid, but I was perfectly fine leaving the munchkin with my mom/sisters, my MIL would flip her shit. Of course, both moms are so excited about grandkids that we literally could not do that to them.

My dad will not be allowed to drive my munchkins though. FI and I discussed it, by which I mean I said "My dad is not allowed to drive our future munchkins" and FI said "Oh thank god you said it and not me."

I could NEVER do this to my FMIL either. She would be devastated.

ashley8918 · July 2014

emmaaa said:

One of my family's very good friends had a son who got married and tried for years to conceive with is wife. They went through a lot of alternative methods (with substantial financial help from his parents) and finally were able to not only conceive, but give birth to a set of healthy triplets.

Once the triplets were born, the wife told her MIL that she was not allowed to come over to even VISIT the babies. At first we all thought that she was trying to keep the babies fro being exposed to germs and getting sick but later found out she was letting her mom and her friends come over and even babysit.

Your story reminds me of my family friend and ultimately that situation drove a wedge in their marriage and the son ended up divorcing his wife.

I'm sorry your co-worker is going trhough this. There may be more to the story but from the facts that you know and provided to us, it seems that "Amy" is being totally unreasonable.

Wow, that's awful! I just don't understand this mentality at all.

Senecaf · July 2014

I would asume something else is up. Or maybe she needs to find put why Amy feels this way.

I know when my children were little I felt more comfortable with my mother watching them than FMIL. I was raised by my mom and think she is fantastic. FMIL didn't do things the way I was used to and liked and it made me uncomfortable. I never thought she would harm the kids but I thought she would do things like give them formula instead of the milk I pumped because breast milk was "weird". Or feed them foods I was not ready for them to have. Let them cry it out. Those types of things.

I never stopped her from watching them but eventually FI talked to his mom and made sure she knew these things were kind of a big deal to us. She honestly did not know. Maybe coworker should talk to Amy and her son.

ashley8918 · July 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

I think there is something going on that you don't see since you aren't related.

I have a friend who has a SIL that runs a daycare out of her house. SIL has 3 kids. To people who don't see her at home, SIL is sweet as pie. She's great in public. But in the privacy of her home (in front of family and friends), all she does is yell and scream at her kids and any kids that are over visiting (nieces and nephews). My friend does not want her SIL to watch her new baby, ever. To anyone not family or close friends, they wouldn't understand why.

Another friend has a MIL who watches her other grandkids sometimes. Those kids are 10 and 8. MIL does not get out of bed while they are there. She sleeps most of the time and the kids have to go in and wake her up to ask permission to do things. Her roommate ends up having to feed the kids breakfast and lunch because she won't get up. That friend doesn't trust the MIL to watch her infant because she doesn't trust her to actually get up to take care of the baby. Even family doesn't understand her reluctance to leave the baby with her, but I think she has made a good call.

Finally, I have friends whose mothers ignores their instructions for how to care for the kids and then lies about what she did. They have the attitude that they raised kids and can do whatever they want with their grandkids, including giving them food they shouldn't have and allowing them to do things they have been directed not to allow. Those moms have almost lost the right to watch their grandkids because they won't listen, even when the pediatrician is the one that made the recommendation. They are the sweetest ladies in every other situation, but they are unreasonable when it comes to what they should do with their grandkids. The moms see nothing wrong with ignoring anything the parents have said in regards to the care of their children.

My point is that people can be absolutely great in every situation that you see, and totally unreasonable when it comes to the care of grandkids or even totally different at home with family than out with friends or at work.

I'm sure it's possible, but I find it pretty unlikely. Amy has always been kind of standoffish and rude to my co-workers family.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

JasperandOpal said:

JCbride2015 said:

Am I weird for thinking this isn't that horrible? The baby is five months old. Some parents may not feel comfortable leaving a baby at that age, even though they would be comfortable with the MIL visiting if they're together.

There are definitely nicer ways to phrase it, but on principle I think it's fine for a parent to say they aren't ready to leave the baby with Grandma yet.

What I think is horrible is that the co-worker threw his wife under the bus.

When I first read it, I definitely agreed with you. My brother and his wife didn't let anyone babysit my niece until she was 6 months old because they had maternity/paternity leave so they didn't really need to. But then I saw that "Amy" lets her own mom and sister babysit. If she is comfortable with her own family babysitting, she should be comfortable with her husband's mom babysitting. Unless of course there is more to the story that we aren't hearing, which is absolutely possible.

Ah, I missed that on the first reading too. That does change things for me.

"Amy" might have some legit reason that the co-worker doesn't know about, but if this isn't just a blanket no-babysitting policy, co-worker definitely deserves at least an explanation about what's going on. That would be hurtful to me, too.

ashley8918 · July 2014

JCbride2015 said:

JasperandOpal said:

JCbride2015 said:

Am I weird for thinking this isn't that horrible? The baby is five months old. Some parents may not feel comfortable leaving a baby at that age, even though they would be comfortable with the MIL visiting if they're together.

There are definitely nicer ways to phrase it, but on principle I think it's fine for a parent to say they aren't ready to leave the baby with Grandma yet.

What I think is horrible is that the co-worker threw his wife under the bus.

When I first read it, I definitely agreed with you. My brother and his wife didn't let anyone babysit my niece until she was 6 months old because they had maternity/paternity leave so they didn't really need to. But then I saw that "Amy" lets her own mom and sister babysit. If she is comfortable with her own family babysitting, she should be comfortable with her husband's mom babysitting. Unless of course there is more to the story that we aren't hearing, which is absolutely possible.

Ah, I missed that on the first reading too. That does change things for me.

"Amy" might have some legit reason that the co-worker doesn't know about, but if this isn't just a blanket no-babysitting policy, co-worker definitely deserves at least an explanation about what's going on. That would be hurtful to me, too.

I agree. I mean, if there is really a reason, fine. But with no explanation, it just comes off as "My family is better than you. I don't trust you."

KatieinBkln · July 2014

Yeah, this is shitty. It sounds like co-worker needs to confront Amy. If Amy's momma-bear instinct is flaring up for good reasons, she will have no problem stating them to her MIL. If she doesn't have good reasons, maybe she's suffering from anxiety and would do well to see a pro. Or maybe she's suffering from "being an asshole," which is sometimes fixable with professional help, but not always.

ashley8918 · July 2014

KatieinBkln said:

Yeah, this is shitty. It sounds like co-worker needs to confront Amy. If Amy's momma-bear instinct is flaring up for good reasons, she will have no problem stating them to her MIL. If she doesn't have good reasons, maybe she's suffering from anxiety and would do well to see a pro. Or maybe she's suffering from "being an asshole," which is sometimes fixable with professional help, but not always.

And I just spit my coffee all over my desk, hahaha.

NWR: Feeling bad for my coworker today

Re: NWR: Feeling bad for my coworker today

Choose Another Board

Search Boards