First- I feel bad feeling this way with some of the stuff going on in other member's lives. But I can't help it. On the surface, I'm depressed because of my job. I've decided that it is time to leave and have started looking for a new job- which is seriously the worst adult chore in the world. I would rather do taxes then fill out all these online applications that require you to retype your resume. I'm apathetic and down and it sucks spending 9 hours of my day in a place that I hate. And I'm so busy right now that I don't have any time to feel this way. If I could afford it, I would quit today, but I can't, especially because of the deeper reason for my mood.
I'm very upset because I've come to the decision that I can no longer have a relationship with my verbally abusive parents. I have lived in fear of them long enough and I had my last straw argument with them this weekend when they tried to shame and guilt me for 'refusing' to pay for a school loan that they asked me to get, promised they would repay, for the school that they pushed me to go to. I wanted to go to a less expensive school. For the record, I never outright refused to pay. I gave my mom a loan update in email and she started asking all these questions- how long did I go to the school, how much did they pay, how many 'extra' classes did I take. I could see where it was going. When I called her to talk the very first thing she said was, "So you don't think that you should have to pay this back, huh?" Without even giving me a chance to discuss it with her. The conversation ended with them full on yelling at me when I tried to stand up for myself.
I was just beyond shocked at their behavior and the fact that in the middle of it they started attacking my wedding and tried to rip open all those painful discussions all over again in order to guilt me into paying the school loan. My parents are rich- like drive cars that cost more than the average house rich. I know for a fact that they could write a check for the whole amount of the loan and it wouldn't even put a dent in their bank account. But no- they would rather tear me down psychologically for 'not appreciating all they do' than honor their word.
I'm so upset at myself for believing them when they said not to worry about the money and to go to the school, and that they wouldn't have any demands for the wedding and all the other promises they made. I have the email drafted. I intend to tell them how upset I am over what they said, that I will pay the loan but not because I feel like I owe them anything- but because the money isn't worth the abuse that comes with it- and that I will not be speaking to them again until they seek help for their abusive ways. I just haven't sent it yet. I'm bracing myself for the fall out. For the further shaming calls and emails about how upset I made my mom by saying those things and the guilt and begging to try and get me to take it back. This is exactly why I didn't cancel the wedding when I had the chance- a decision I still deeply regret.
This whole thing has been causing me tons of anxiety and depression since the topic came up last week. That + my feelings towards work have made the past week a living hell. I wish I could just go away somewhere where I can forget about all this stuff for a while.