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Wedding Etiquette Forum
frap33
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Engagement announcement for a "Just Us" wedding?
Hello! I'm hoping that you can help me with an etiquette question. Any thoughts you have would be incredibly welcome.
My boyfriend hasn't yet proposed, but I have the feeling that it's going to happen within the next few months. His family all lives in Europe and my family lives in the US. Due to health and money issues, it is almost certain that if we had a wedding either in Europe or the US either his parents (and part of his family) or my mother (and part of my family) would not be able to attend.
Therefore, we're leaning towards getting married while on vacation, with the white dress, photographer, and ceremony - a real wedding, but it would just be the two of us. Then we'd have a small BBQ or party for our families and close friends - one in the US and one in Europe.
And here's the big question...When my boyfriend proposes, I'm going to be excited and want to tell all of my friends and family about our engagement. However, I feel like it would be a bit rude to let them know that we're engaged and that nobody's going to be invited to the actual wedding.
Therefore, we're leaning towards getting married while on vacation, with the white dress, photographer, and ceremony - a real wedding, but it would just be the two of us. Then we'd have a small BBQ or party for our families and close friends - one in the US and one in Europe.
And here's the big question...When my boyfriend proposes, I'm going to be excited and want to tell all of my friends and family about our engagement. However, I feel like it would be a bit rude to let them know that we're engaged and that nobody's going to be invited to the actual wedding.
I thought it might be ok if we let people know that we're going to have a small ceremony with just the two of us and then at some later date we'd host two very casual celebrations, but I don't know how well that's going to be received.
So, what do I do? The best thing to do might be to keep it a secret for a year and let people know after we're married, but I think that might be just too difficult.
Any thoughts?
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Re: Engagement announcement for a "Just Us" wedding?
Tell your family & friends of the engagement. Discuss with your FI (once engaged) about the type of wedding you both want to have. If he agrees on the elopement. Plan it and have fun! A small party with family & friends in the US & Europe is ok, just keep it low key and not a big wedding redo.
If you think people will have problems with you two marrying alone, don't tell anyone until after.
I would just tell everyone that you are engaged when it happens and celebrate that event, but don't get into actual wedding details right away. Just tell everyone you are still tossing around ideas, which is really true until you actually start making hard plans and have date/venue set and contracts signed. We didn't really start seriously nailing down wedding plans for almost 6 months after we got engaged. When people asked, we just said that we were just enjoying being engaged and still discussing and considering our options.
We also had issues with family spread out and people needing to travel. We knew we wanted a small, intimate wedding and discussed that with our parents and siblings. We also knew we wanted them there, so we discussed options with them to decide what was feasible and what would work to allow them to attend. And what we ended up doing for wedding was actually very different than we had thought about before we got engaged. When we started actually making plans, looking at budgets, and looking into the logistics, that changed the plans. We started out thinking about a Las Vegas wedding, but ended up getting married on a cruise ship with just our closest family there. It was an option that worked for everyone and they all enjoyed the vacation.
Many parents would do whatever it takes to attend their kids wedding. So, I wouldn't write off them attending unless you have actually talked to them directly about it. If you want a private wedding without family because that is your preference, that is fine and there is nothing wrong with that, but don't assume that nobody will be able to come or plan a private ceremony based on just assumptions. After you announce the engagement and enjoy that excitement, then you have a separate conversation with your parents/families to let them know your private wedding plans. It doesn't need to be same conversation as engagement announcement. And be prepared for family being hurt if they aren't even invited to the wedding. We even had extended family that was upset that we didn't invite them to ours. But, if you really want it private, that's fine to stick to that. Or you can set your wedding plan, invite just immediate family, and leave the option to them to attend. If they can come, that's great. If not, that's fine too.
Another option would be to announce your engagement, then just go off and have the private wedding you want and just tell everyone afterward. If you aren't inviting anyone anyway, there's no need to announce an elopement to everyone in advance. That may also save you a lot of trouble from people trying to change your wedding plans or getting upset by it.
So, that settles that. :-)
We'll tell people (by phone) and just enjoy the engagement. Then, later, if people ask, we'll let them know that we're planning something very small, possibly an elopement, and take it from there.
Thanks again, ladies. All of your insights have been extremely helpful!
PS. Just to answer a couple of questions you guy had...
We've chatted about it and my boyfriend is excited about just the two of us being at the ceremony. We had thought about trying to figure out the logistics of getting everyone together for a wedding, but ended up deciding that it would just be too difficult. His parents have mentioned that they aren't prepared to travel, my dad's health is questionable and my mom's doctor won't let her fly because of a health condition. It's kind of a bummer, but we're super excited to go somewhere cool to tie the knot and then celebrate with our parents later! .
He's been saying for quite a while that he wants the proposal to be a surprise and he's a bit worried that I'm not going to be surprised. Anyway, a few days ago he let it slide that he's going to ask me within the next two months. Coincidentally, he's taking me to Paris in September. Now I know that I'm a conspiracy theorist, but I think he might propose before we go, because that would be a real surprise. Now that I know there's no downside to calling my M&D after the proposal, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the summer...
Thanks everybody! You'll probably hear from me again in a couple of months when we're the real deal ;-)
Thanks everyone and good luck with all of your wedding plans!
It sounds very much like we're in the same boat. We picked out the ring together and have been to see a couple of venues. He's the perfect guy for me and we're really happy together. I do get the feeling that a lot of people felt my post was out of place, since we're not yet engaged, but I wasn't sure if the consensus would be to tell people about the engagement, or just to go and get married and then tell our friends and family afterwards. I didn't want my boyfriend to propose and then be doubting whether or not I should call my mom to let her know. :-)
Thanks to all of the wonderful responses I've received, I know I can celebrate the engagement, just as if it were going to be a normal wedding...and I can't tell you how happy that makes me!
He's been saying for quite a while that he wants the proposal to be a surprise and he's a bit worried that I'm not going to be surprised. Anyway, a few days ago he let it slide that he's going to ask me within the next two months. Coincidentally, he's taking me to Paris in September. Now I know that I'm a conspiracy theorist, but I think he might propose before we go, because that would be a real surprise. Now that I know there's no downside to calling my M&D after the proposal, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the summer...
Thanks everybody! You'll probably hear from me again in a couple of months when we're the real deal ;-) I seriously do not get going to see venues before getting engaged. It's not only a waste of your time but it wastes the vendors' time as well.
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I agree with this. It's like going to test drive cars that you aren't actually ready to buy. Also, being engaged really means you've formally agreed to get married. If you and your SO are actually going to venues to check out places, you've pretty much made that agreement with one another and voila you're engaged. An engagement is an agreement, not necessarily made official by a ring and a proposal. The practice of men taking total control of the engagement by asking the girl for her hand in marriage stems from the good ol' days where men actually asked the girl's father for the right to marry his daughter (back when women were regarded much more like property than equal partners). It's much more realistic nowadays for couples to discuss marriage and mutually agree to get married. The traditional proposal is just a formality that most couples don't want to go without, so they consider themselves not-officially-engaged until that act occurs, which is usually entirely within the man's control because HE'S the one who buys the ring (spoiler alert: it used to be a cow or some other valuable livestock that he'd actually give to the girl's father in exchange for her hand), HE'S the one who decides when and where to propose, and HE'S the one who gets to wait until he's good and ready, while women sit and wait. It's a little unfair when men cling to this tradition, because they don't allow us to move forward with planning a wedding even though it's been mutually discussed and agreed upon.
Sorry, end rant. I've been over this unfairness with my SO already and while he totally understands the perspective, he still refuses to give up the chance to propose in a special, surprise way (especially since I've been engaged before and the engagement was pretty awful). I know he's not trying to be controlling, so this isn't the hill I'm willing to die on and leave an otherwise wonderful man over. But to bring this back full circle... OP, if you and your BF are not going to considered yourselves engaged until he proposes--and you're ok with that--then stop torturing yourself by making legit planning steps because you can't really do anything until you both acknowledge the engagement.
At the end of the day, I'm happy that we toured the venues, because we found that they were not the right places for us. Prior to our visits we really thought that one of these places would be it. This being the case, we'll probably end up picking a venue that we haven't seen in person, but I'm sure it will all work out.
If you and your FI are happy with the status of your relationship, then to each their own. We're just here to give advice when asked, and steer you clear of any etiquette mishaps