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How to get the word out we don't want any gifts, cash, gift cards, etc?

traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We are having a smaller wedding it's still very traditional (Church wedding immediately followed by a reception at an event venue with an open bar, cocktail hour, and a plated dinner). FI and I don't want or need gifts/cash or whatever. We truly feel the best gift we could receive is the people we invited joining us for our wedding day. The problem is FI doesn't want to invite his out of town friends (he's been friends with the few of these people for 20-30 years!) because he's concerned they will feel obligated to send a gift if they can't make the trek across country. I know the etiquette is to have no mention of the gifts on the invite but would it be totally against etiquette/tacky to include "no gifts please" on the reception enclosure rather than the invite? These friends are not connected to our families in any way and don't know many of the other guests since they've not lived near us in decades so there is really no way to tell them unless they called to ask which they probably would never do. Any advice here or better ideas. We are absolutely not doing a wedding website either niether of us like them.
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Re: How to get the word out we don't want any gifts, cash, gift cards, etc?

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Don't mention gifts on the invite anywhere or on anything. Do not register. If people ask, say that you don't need any gifts and are just excited to celebrate with them. Some people will still give gifts because they want to, there's not really anything you can do except to be grateful and write a thank-you note.


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  • sarals24sarals24 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    You can't really stop people from giving you a gift. I enjoy giving people gifts for occasions, so I'm probably going to do it even if you tell me not to. Don't register, don't mention gifts anywhere.
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  • sarals24sarals24 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Also, your FI doesn't want to invite his friends because they might give him a gift? WTF? That's very twisted logic.
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    He's humble and quite a bit older than me so he feels it's embarrassing to send invites if he's pretty sure they won't be able to make it because he knows these people will feel they must send a gift even though it's not an obligation as a receiver of an invite. We also already own a home that we've just totally renovated and already have children so it seems kind of silly for anyone to give us a gift to get us "set up" or whatever it's for. He dislikes weddings anyway and has always tried to get out of going to other people's weddings so he's probably projecting that feeling on his friends too and feels like they will be inconvenienced even though I know these people would be more than happy to come to our wedding if they are able to make the trip. I've tried to let him know that he should let them decided rather than assume they can't come and not invite them but he's still uncomfortable. I'm sure if it weren't for me really wanting a Catholic wedding we would have eloped by now.
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  • sarals24sarals24 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Some people actually like coming to weddings and giving gifts. I do. Don't you think they would be more upset if he didn't invite them?? Assuming you are having a wedding of more than just immediate family.
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    There's no convincing me I've told him that and it's more than immediate family it's 80-100 people probably 80 as I know there are some who won't be able to make it. eta yes I just changed my user name because I realized we no longer live in the city or that state anymore.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The only etiquette-approved way to convey a "no gifts" message is by word-of-mouth, and only after one is asked about gift preferences-not before.  Gift information, including "no gift" requests, are never included in invitations.

    I'm sorry that your FI equates wedding invitations with demands for gifts.  Gifts are optional.  And it's really not up to him whether or not someone decides to give you gifts.  As long as you graciously thank the giver, it's up to you to decide what to do with the gifts. If you don't want to keep them, that's your concern and you don't have to, as long as you dispose of them discreetly.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    It's very kind of your Fi to be so concerned about inconveniencing his friends.  He sounds like a very considerate guy.

    However, it's still tacky to put "No gifts please" on anything wedding-related, because that implies gifts were expected in the first place.

    My suggestion is to have your Fi casually bring up in conversation with one of his gabbiest friends that he's excited for the wedding, but he really doesn't want gifts.  Planting the seed verbally with one or two close friends will get around to the rest of the group.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2014
    If people feel obligated to give a gift, that's on them. Gifts are never required. Agree with PP do not mention gifts anywhere. ETA: Invite everyone you can afford to properly host and would like to have in attendance if teleportation was an option.
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    If I saw any mention of "No gifts please" I would roll my eyes and think "Yep, you got it!" because you assumed I (general I, as a member of the invited guests) would get you one to begin with. 

    Also, just FTR, if I EVER say "cash gifts preferred," you wouldn't even get a card from me because I prefer to gift physical gifts and you don't want what I would like to give you so you get nothing. Nothing for you.
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Clearly we would not be putting cash gifts preferred anywhere or saying it we don't want anything from our guests but their presence. We aren't tacky and classless.

    Thanks everyone we are just going to go with the whatever they do they do route and if they ask about gifts we plan on letting them know their attendance and/or well wishes are the best gifts we could receive. I'm not blowing a ridiculous amount of money just to break etiquette and make it all about me here.
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