Bridesmaid flaking out, can I just not invite her?

stephhilde1000 · July 2014

Hello! I have a BM who I consider(ed) to be like a sister to me through our deployment we got really close. She went dress shopping with us and has offered to help when needed to get stuff done. HOWEVER, she never went to purchase her dress. I (and my MOH) have talked to her and I told her I understand that she has a lot going on at work and that I do not want to add any pressure to her. She said BOTH times that she would go and get her dress she has just been busy yet she still has NOT gone! My wedding is October 11 and I have stopped asking her about the dress or involving her at this point. The last time I talked to her about it was the middle of June. My MOH and I have basically counted her out, is it rude to not invite her to the wedding at this point? I feel like as a friend she should have been honest when I talked to her about it and not just blow me off. I am not sure what to do here!

beachyone15 · July 2014

If you want to continue a friendship with her then, yes, you should still invite her to the wedding.

She will be the one to determine whether or not she's in your bridal party based on if she buys the dress. If she does, fine. If not, she's removed herself as a bridesmaid. Stop asking her. She is aware that she needs to purchase the dress.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

stephhilde1000 said:

Hello! I have a BM who I consider(ed) to be like a sister to me through our deployment we got really close. She went dress shopping with us and has offered to help when needed to get stuff done. HOWEVER, she never went to purchase her dress. I (and my MOH) have talked to her and I told her I understand that she has a lot going on at work and that I do not want to add any pressure to her. She said BOTH times that she would go and get her dress she has just been busy yet she still has NOT gone! My wedding is October 11 and I have stopped asking her about the dress or involving her at this point. The last time I talked to her about it was the middle of June. My MOH and I have basically counted her out, is it rude to not invite her to the wedding at this point? I feel like as a friend she should have been honest when I talked to her about it and not just blow me off. I am not sure what to do here!

Yes - that's extremely rude. Asking her to be a BM is asking her to be a guest of honor. Kicking her out of the wedding and asking her not to attend at all is a huge etiquette faux pas and friendship ending move.

Is this some kind of super fancy dress that takes forever to ship? If not, she has over 2 months to get this dress and I wouldn't worry about it. My BMs got their dresses in less than a week (Ann Taylor BM dresses).

If you want her to have the dress now and/or if it takes a ton of time to ship, would you be willing to order it for her? If she's close enough to be your BM and she's too busy to order a damn dress, you should be more worried about her well-being and trying to help her - not thinking of ways to kick her out of your wedding.

slothiegal · July 2014

Uninviting someone, especially a member of your wedding party, is incredibly rude and (most likely) a friendship ending move. If she wants to walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid, she will get the dress.

chibiyui · July 2014

stephhilde1000 said:
Hello! I have a BM who I consider(ed) to be like a sister to me through our deployment we got really close. She went dress shopping with us and has offered to help when needed to get stuff done. HOWEVER, she never went to purchase her dress. I (and my MOH) have talked to her and I told her I understand that she has a lot going on at work and that I do not want to add any pressure to her. She said BOTH times that she would go and get her dress she has just been busy yet she still has NOT gone! My wedding is October 11 and I have stopped asking her about the dress or involving her at this point. The last time I talked to her about it was the middle of June. My MOH and I have basically counted her out, is it rude to not invite her to the wedding at this point? I feel like as a friend she should have been honest when I talked to her about it and not just blow me off. I am not sure what to do here!

Not inviting her to your wedding will destroy your friendship with her. If you have asked her to be in your bridal party it would be rude to not invite her, even if she takes herself out of the bridal party by not buying the dress.

climbingsingle · July 2014

How is this even a question? YES. It would be extremely rude to not invite her. Holy jeez.

Bubblegum5586 · July 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

How is this even a question? YES. It would be extremely rude to not invite her. Holy jeez.

This was exactly what I was thinking....

atlastmrsg · July 2014

you also really need to sort out who's in and who's out. you think she's out--you haven't been including her in things or continuing to keep in touch. she very well could still think she's in. that needs to be resolved, or she could be showing up on wedding day, dress on, ready to go.

AddieCake · July 2014

Don't worry about it. She has 2 months. If she doesn't get the dress, she takes herself out if the wedding by her own choice. If you kick her out, you're an asshole.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

She has time to get the dress. If she doesn't get the dress then she takes herself out of the wedding.

manateehugger · July 2014

Did you get a specific deadline from the store? If so, just email her that date and leave it alone. If she doesn't get it, she's not a BM. Either way, yes, I think you should still invite her. Also, it's not remotely her job or duty to help you get wedding stuff done; it's your wedding, not hers.

lc07 · July 2014

I just bought a bridesmaids dress from DB on Friday. It will be here no later than August 11. The wedding is Sept 19. Glad my friend wasn't harassing me about it or kicking me out because it will be here in plenty of time!

Viczaesar · July 2014

atlastmrsg said:

you also really need to sort out who's in and who's out. you think she's out--you haven't been including her in things or continuing to keep in touch. she very well could still think she's in. that needs to be resolved, or she could be showing up on wedding day, dress on, ready to go.

Or she could just not act like a crazy person and leave her friend alone and trust that she will get the dress sometime in the next 3 months.

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

A dress is a super shitty reason to trash a friendship over, OP. Get ahold of yourself, your wedding isn't a tool for revenge over stupid shit like this.

LondonLisa · July 2014

Not only would it end your friendship with this BM, if I were at a wedding where I heard the Bride did this, I would rethink my friendship with them! October is loads of time! Anyone who could be so callous to someone who they selected as a BM is someone I wouldn't want to be friends with.

cowgirl8238 · July 2014

julybride2015 said:

I understand the disappointment, but you're not going to force anyone to buy anything at this point.

October 11th is still somewhat far away and I would not count her out yet. I would just stop bothering her and then ask her again if she purchased the dress at about a month out. If the answer is no, then count on her NOT being in the wedding. At this point, if you want to end the friendship, then don't invite her to the wedding.

Have you considered a reason behind the delay in purchasing the dress? Has her financial situation changed and she can no longer be part of the wedding? Being "busy with work" might be her way of avoiding a rather personal conversation regarding her financial situation. These are all things to think about in this situation before completely ending a friendship.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Maybe there is something else going on in her lift right now. Try talking to her as a friend...no mention of the wedding and see whats up. You could also offer to pay for the dress, although this depends on the person and their willingness to be helped with money.

Also, I agree there is probably some time left. I would get the absolute latest she can order, send that to her in an email and move on.

As a side note, if you suddenly stop including her in the wedding planning where she was previously involved she may be thinking she did something wrong...again talk to her without the wedding talk and see whats up. This is all not worth losing a friend over.

Good luck!

climbingsingle · July 2014

LondonLisa said:

Not only would it end your friendship with this BM, if I were at a wedding where I heard the Bride did this, I would rethink my friendship with them! October is loads of time! Anyone who could be so callous to someone who they selected as a BM is someone I wouldn't want to be friends with.

SITB
This is such a good point. I was in a wedding where the bride kicked out a fellow BM because she couldn't attend the first dress shopping. I was really shocked and it honestly changed the way I felt about her.
She also stopped speaking to a girl that couldn't attend her shower. It was crazy.

atlastmrsg · July 2014

Viczaesar said:

atlastmrsg said:

you also really need to sort out who's in and who's out. you think she's out--you haven't been including her in things or continuing to keep in touch. she very well could still think she's in. that needs to be resolved, or she could be showing up on wedding day, dress on, ready to go.

Or she could just not act like a crazy person and leave her friend alone and trust that she will get the dress sometime in the next 3 months.

She does need to sort it out though because she's not including the girl in things. If she's in, but isn't getting things like shower/luncheon/bachelorette/whatever invites, that's really rude.

kmmssg · July 2014

How long ago were you guys deployed? Any chances at all she is having any issues readjusting to post-deployment life? I retired from the military and if there is one thing everyone knows it is that a LOT of people will NOT let on that they are having any kind of reintegration issues. Just a thought...

I really think you should take the wedding out of this whole thing and take a moment to concentrate on the friendship. If you weren't getting married right now, how often would you see each other, email each other, have dinner together, etc? Did it become all about the wedding when you got engaged?

If she is having money issues that is a terribly embarrassing issue to admit to and an easy one to try to avoid with people. Maybe that is going on too.

The way your OP reads it is all about "she didn't buy the dress so she is outta here." How do you go from not buying a dress to totally uninviting someone and dropping them like a hot potato?

brideon082104 · August 2014

Put your big girl panties on and discuss the situation with her. She might have stuff going on that you have NO idea about because you are in your wedding bubble. Uninviting her to the wedding would be tacky and rude.

Bridesmaid flaking out, can I just not invite her?

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