No wonder nobody knows anything about etiquette...

behsco90 · July 2014

So I've interviewed 4 wedding planners and a caterer so far. All of them have said at least one thing that's an etiquette no-no that I've learned from you lovely ladies! And here I thought I could rely on those in the wedding industry to stay within etiquette guidelines!

One told me I could create a B-list and send out invites after I've gotten declines. One told me I could have my actual wedding the day before with just family and then a PPD the next day! The caterer told me to cut down on costs I could a) have a cash bar b) host cocktail hour and then cash bar after c) have hard liquor during cocktail hour and then beer and wine only during dinner.

My FI and my mom were there for all the meetings as well, and I felt like the odd man out turning down all these suggestions when my mom started agreeing with them!

It's no wonder brides these days don't know anything; they're being fed bad information by people they feel like they could trust! I'm glad I have you guys to turn to for etiquette advice!

Edited to fix a typo.

mrs4everhart · July 2014

Not for nothin' but when I'm at work (I run a bar/restaurant) and I'm selling an event, any event, it's not in my venue's best interest to worry about the client following etiquette - I'm trying to make sure I'm selling as much food and booze as I can, because that's my job. So of course I recommend cash bars over soda/water only events when I know the budget is small, for example. I don't think various vendors are the best people to hope to glean a ton of etiquette lessons from.

lyndausvi · July 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

Not for nothin' but when I'm at work (I run a bar/restaurant) and I'm selling an event, any event, it's not in my venue's best interest to worry about the client following etiquette - I'm trying to make sure I'm selling as much food and booze as I can, because that's my job. So of course I recommend cash bars over soda/water only events when I know the budget is small, for example. I don't think various vendors are the best people to hope to glean a ton of etiquette lessons from.

Yep. They are in the business of making money. They don't care who pays, they just want as much revenue as they can get. If having a cash bar gets to their goal that is what they are going to suggest.

CMGragain · July 2014

Never accept etiquette advice from someone who will be making a profit from you if you follow it.

pearlsofsteel · July 2014

CMGragain said:

Never accept etiquette advice from someone who will be making a profit from you if you follow it.

Ding ding ding ding!

perdonami · July 2014

The lady that I am working with has offered some suggestions that were in poor taste but did so casually as if to just mention it. She was elated that I would not be participating in a money dance, we would have an open bar, and planned to take care of any parking fees for those who chose not use the free valet and park their own car.

She actually grabbed my hands and thanked me saying that treating one's guests properly doesn't really happen anymore. I was grateful I had this site as a resource so I could avoid some rather embarrassing blunders or may have succombed to some of them. After all, my FMIL who is paying for the reception part was interested in having a cash bar.. I shot that down almost immediately.

Although, I must say, I never knew what a cash bar was till I came here. I thought at all weddings all drinks offered were obviously paid for. I honestly thought a cash bar was when a tip jar was set up at the bar as if the host/hostess wasn't going to include gratuity.

larrygaga · July 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

Not for nothin' but when I'm at work (I run a bar/restaurant) and I'm selling an event, any event, it's not in my venue's best interest to worry about the client following etiquette - I'm trying to make sure I'm selling as much food and booze as I can, because that's my job. So of course I recommend cash bars over soda/water only events when I know the budget is small, for example. I don't think various vendors are the best people to hope to glean a ton of etiquette lessons from.

Yeah I was going to say they probably know they are being rude, but they aren't there to make sure you are polite. They are there to sell you things. This is why you have us, indeed!

ashleyep · July 2014

We went to our tasting and my fiance wanted to try the filet. We decided not to get it - it was an expensive upcharge per guest and not good enough to warrant it - but the coordinator told FI that he could get it for just himself if he wanted. NO, NO HE CAN'T AHHHH. Fortunately he was on the same page as me and wasn't going to do that.

behsco90 · July 2014

Well I guess I can understand that, for the caterer. But the wedding planners? Especially when I was looking at their packages, and most of them offered "etiquette advice" in their packages.

mysticl · July 2014

behsco90 said:

Well I guess I can understand that, for the caterer. But the wedding planners? Especially when I was looking at their packages, and most of them offered "etiquette advice" in their packages.

Again, still trying to sell you something. The odds of a wedding planner telling you that you are doing something rude are pretty low because you never want to offend the client. That can get you fired and get you bad reviews. Also, planners have relationships with other vendors and are going to try to throw as much business their way as possible. For example having a B-list means more spots get filled and therefore more meals and drinks get sold.

Liatris2010 · July 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

Not for nothin' but when I'm at work (I run a bar/restaurant) and I'm selling an event, any event, it's not in my venue's best interest to worry about the client following etiquette - I'm trying to make sure I'm selling as much food and booze as I can, because that's my job. So of course I recommend cash bars over soda/water only events when I know the budget is small, for example. I don't think various vendors are the best people to hope to glean a ton of etiquette lessons from.

That makes sense, but our venue was the exact opposite. They were all about wanting the guests to have a great experience with food and booze flowing, so that they would come back or decide to host events there too.

kshahan88 · July 2014

How about when I met with my DOC and while we went over the tentative schedule for the day, we came to the dancing and she asked if I was doing a dollar dance. I told her no. She then asked if we were going on a honeymoon, to which I replied Yes. To Hawaii. She then told me to name my tables after the Hawaiian Islands and then do a "Honeymoon Dance" because it will be the theme! My jaw almost hit the floor. Even if you change the name or decorate your reception area differently, doesn't make people want to give you money. In my opinion it would be worse. If I went to a wedding where everything was themed after a place I have wanted to go my entire life (which is practically the entire world) I would hold on to my money even more because if I haven't gone to this amazing place, why would I help you go so you can rub your pictures in my face on Facebook??? Ok rant over (I need a vacation now)

monkeysip · July 2014

Our venue (a restaurant) didn't allow cash bars. It was either hosted bar, or no bar at all. Interesting how they weren't just trying to make as much money as possible.

Kahlyla · July 2014

I've actually been thinking about going into planning, and I would LOVE to advise couples on proper etiquette (it would be a side gig, so whatevs), but I honestly don't know if I can bring my shy, socially-anxious self to tell someone that what they're planning is rude. I don't think I can fake being a sassy, no-nonsense type enough to pull it off without hurting feelings.

JellyBean52513 · July 2014

Kahlyla said: I've actually been thinking about going into planning, and I would LOVE to advise couples on proper etiquette (it would be a side gig, so whatevs), but I honestly don't know if I can bring my shy, socially-anxious self to tell someone that what they're planning is rude. I don't think I can fake being a sassy, no-nonsense type enough to pull it off without hurting feelings.

------------------------edited to fix quote boxes If you really did pursue this as a career, the best part of it is that you are in a position of authority/wisdom/presumably extensive knowledge over the couples you'd be working with, so you can say things to them in an appropriate way that comes across as educating them, rather than scolding them for being rude. Examples:

Couple: "Sometime before the cake cutting, we want to do a dollar dance, when do you think is the best time for it?"
You: "I typically don't recommend doing dollar dances. I understand that they are very popular, but I've seen many a wedding guest complain about how tacky the couple looks by asking for money from their guests."

Couple: "We'll probably just do a cash bar, we really don't have the money to pay for everyone's alcohol, plus we don't want people taking advantage of it and getting wasted."
You: "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you will be unpleasantly surprised at how poorly most wedding guests receive cash bars. They figure, 'I've taken the time and money to get a gift, get dressed up, and attend this wedding, and I still have to pay for a part of it?!' Also, grown adults will do what they want and any bar within 5 miles of a college will show you that just because people have to pay for their drinks, doesn't mean that they won't get wasted on their own dime. If budget if your concern, I suggest limiting your drinks to only beer and wine, or even just one or two signature cocktails."

Couple: "The cocktail hour is going to start right away, but we're probably not going to get there for another hour or two after because we're taking pictures."
You: "I'll warn you about that plan: if you take too long to arrive at the reception, a number of your guests are either going to be extremely annoyed with you and/or they WILL leave; trust me, I've seen it happen. If you don't want your guests to talk poorly about ANY aspect of your wedding, you'll reconsider the timeline so that they aren't waiting on you for too long. Let's see if I can help you cut down on picture time after the ceremony so you can get straight to the reception."

I could go on forever. When someone is coming to you for guidance, you have every right to actually guide them in the right direction. It's all about HOW you say it, and your general demeanor when saying it. My boss tells me all the time that I have an excellent way with people, and that I could tell someone the world is ending in such a way that they won't be too upset about it.

I know on this board we don't sugarcoat things, and I'm not saying you should sugarcoat things ever in life because I damn sure don't. If I were a wedding planner, and the couple was being too stubborn to reason with, I would flat-out tell them "Ok, I just want to say that I acknowledge you're hiring me to do a job for you, and I am going to do it the way you want it done. However, please keep in mind that the things you are planning may come across as being extremely rude to your guests; I've seen it done a million times, and I've seen the negative reactions from guests a million times, even though these guests will never say it to the bride and groom's face. I will do the job you want me to do for you, and I want to do it in such a way that no one will ever have a bad word to say about you or your wedding. I'm only speaking from experience, but ultimately the decision is yours. When you've finalized your plans and are ready to start setting things in stone, let me know."

mrs4everhart · July 2014

Liatris2010 said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

Not for nothin' but when I'm at work (I run a bar/restaurant) and I'm selling an event, any event, it's not in my venue's best interest to worry about the client following etiquette - I'm trying to make sure I'm selling as much food and booze as I can, because that's my job. So of course I recommend cash bars over soda/water only events when I know the budget is small, for example. I don't think various vendors are the best people to hope to glean a ton of etiquette lessons from.

That makes sense, but our venue was the exact opposite. They were all about wanting the guests to have a great experience with food and booze flowing, so that they would come back or decide to host events there too.

Pretty sure I'm SIB********************************************** That makes sense for higher-end venues for sure. Obviously the venue attempts to cater to their "type" of clientele because every guest is a future client. If the venue generally does business with a certain demographic they may not want to be seen as offering things like cash bars because certain demographics would never allow such a thing or host events at places that would allow such things to take place. My venue is not that way at all. Some days it's hard to not burst out with a "what the actual fuck" with some of the things that people ask for or expect. We hosted a post-wedding event earlier this summer. I'm not really sure what you'd call it. I don't think they had anything ceremonial at our place but I got the impression they had a DW previously then their local thing. I was confused because they had a portrait of the B&G at their first reception displayed but the Bride was wearing her dress again. They had a first dance then a mother/son dance. Those things didn't bother me, whatever they want to do at their own party.... Helping them plan it on the hand..... They were contracted at an unreasonably low rate ($10 per person on a Saturday night) so they had to spend a minimum of $1200. Not that difficult at $10/per person with 120 people attending. Well, the Bride and Groom planned the thing and spent about $250 on finger foods. I asked them how they'd like to plan for the difference and they told me between the cash bar and people ordering (and paying) for their own entrees they'd have no problem hitting their minimum. Okay, sure. Then the Groom kept asking me how much "wiggle room" I had on offering him free stuff. Um, none guy. It's funny how often I'm reminded of TK's E board at work. I'm afraid some of the stuff we see and deal with at our venue would possibly crash TK's servers!

novella1186 · July 2014

People are just rude and tacky these days. Etiquette is like a foreign word. At most of the weddings I've been to in the past 5 years, I've witnessed at least 1 thing, if not several, that were so rude and awful I was embarrassed for the couple who seemed oblivious to their total breach of any sort of etiquette. My mom was even convinced that I needed to print where we're registered at on the bottom of our invitations cuz "her friend told her that was ok to do these days." No, no, no! My mom usually has extremely good manners, but I had to sit there and argue with her about how wrong that is, and then I finally called in my dad who is like the drill sergeant of proper etiquette, because his mother was the God Father (yeah she was a badass) of proper etiquette, which is where I got it from. Thank you, Grandma!

No wonder nobody knows anything about etiquette...

Re: No wonder nobody knows anything about etiquette...

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