Help! I have no help!

Knottie51227469 · July 2014

I have absolutely zero help from any family or bridal party. My bridal party is all young and no ones helping me. I have a zillion and a half questions! First off, what the heck do I get for groomsmen gifts for groomsmen under 21? I have absolutely NO idea and I'm a little stressed!

manateehugger · July 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

I have absolutely zero help from any family or bridal party. My bridal party is all young and no ones helping me. I have a zillion and a half questions! First off, what the heck do I get for groomsmen gifts for groomsmen under 21? I have absolutely NO idea and I'm a little stressed!

1. Breathe!!! Go grab a margarita, as Addie would tell you.

2. I assume you are marrying someone, right? That is the person you go to for help. Your bridal party is not your team of wedding minions; they have zero obligations to help you plan or craft. They aren't getting married.

3. What kind of stuff do you need help with?

4. Age is irrelevant. What are these guys' individual interests? Grab a cool grilling gadget for the griller, a football jersey for the football fan, a snazy running watch for the runner, etc.

Knottie51227469 · July 2014

I have had not one person ask to help me plan this wedding. My fiancé is helping me, but this is both our first marriage so we are completely lost! My mom has not helped me AT ALL and has asked ZERO questions! Where do you get advice if you have a mother who could care less about your wedding?

manateehugger · July 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

I have had not one person ask to help me plan this wedding. My fiancé is helping me, but this is both our first marriage so we are completely lost! My mom has not helped me AT ALL and has asked ZERO questions! Where do you get advice if you have a mother who could care less about your wedding?

Is this typical behavior? Is she normally hands-off in your life? Does she approve of the marriage?

Either way, you can't really do anything about it except try not to let it bother you. She doesn't have to help you plan. I know that must be disappointing and tough emotionally, but it's the way it goes sometimes. Have you asked her if she'd like to tag along?

"Hey, mom. I'm meeting with a potential florist on Tuesday at 2. I just wanted to see if you'd be interested in tagging along. I totally understand if you're busy."

Anyway, again, what kind of help or advice do you need? We get advice from each other here every day. Ask your questions.

Knottie51227469 · July 2014

My brother is getting married exactly a week after I am and she's all into their wedding, making pintrest boards, giving advice about what people to invite, games to play at the reception, how to handle set up and take down. Talking about every little detail. I have no idea how this works! Do you set the plates out on the table at the reception when the guests get there? How shall I hang lights and such without putting holes in the walls?

beachyone15 · July 2014

Man, you are all over the place. You need to find a wedding checklist and take it one step at a time. Do you have your venue/budget figured out?

Knottie51227469 · July 2014

Yes, I have the venue and flowers picked out. It's just gettin down to the little things like toasting flutes and cake cutters. I have those things, but things like that?

Knottie51227469 · July 2014

What is worth getting personalized as far as that stuff goes? Toasting flutes?

beachyone15 · July 2014

Just focus on one thing at a time, go through your checklist, and hang out on these forums. You can search for topics/questions that other brides have asked and see people's responses. It's very helpful!

beachyone15 · July 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

What is worth getting personalized as far as that stuff goes? Toasting flutes?

SITB.

You can but don't have to. It's totally up to you. My FI actually picked out our toasting flutes and we added them to our registry.

manateehugger · July 2014

What is your venue? Do you have a contact person/coordinator there? Agreed that finding a good checklist will help you feel organized.

Our caterer gave us a knife set to use - ask your venue if they have something.

IMO, the personalization wasn't really worth it in pretty much every case. Someone bought us personalized toasting flutes. No one noticed them, and I think I took like three sips out of it. If you're stressed, that's the stuff to completely ignore. If no one will notice or care about it, forget it.

CMGragain · July 2014

You plan your own wedding.
You plan the wedding that fits your budget, your time, and your guest list.
If you need help, you pay someone to help you plan your wedding.
If your plans are out of control, then it is your fault for not doing the planning.

Sorry, but this is truth.

JasperandOpal · July 2014

The only thing that is mandatory for a wedding is you and your FI and an officiant. Sounds like you have that covered, as well as the venue and flowers so here are some ideas on how to approach the smaller details you mentioned

1) Groomsmen gifts: your FI should pick these out. He should pick out individualized items for each groomsman based on what that groomsman likes. It doesn't matter what age they are. If one likes hiking, get him something outdoorsy, one likes paintball, get him a gift card for paintball etc. Your FI knows these people and should be able to come up with gifts, in your budget, that are right for each groomsman.

2) Personalized things are not necessary. If you are the kind of sentimental person who wants to be able to toast with the same champagne glasses every year on your anniversary, go for it, but it is not necessary. I do not like personalized things. I will be toasting with whatever the caterer provides (he is providing the glasses, your venue/caterer may do this too).

3) Cake cutter: again, I am not a super sentimental person, I will be using one I already own.

4) Should you set out plates: this is really a question to ask your venue or caterer. Have you picked a caterer yet? Is one provided by the venue? A lot of them will take care of setting out plate etc. But this also can depend on whether you are having a buffet or served meal. If the venue and the caterer say they are not taking care of this, see how early the venue will allow you to set up, go as soon as they will let you, set up, then go get ready for your wedding.

5) Lights without putting holes in the walls: Again, this is a question to ask your venue. They might have a system in place for lighting that they would prefer you use. You haven't mentioned what the venue is, but if they don't have a recommendation, ask them if you can use 3M hooks which stick to walls and are removable and don't using nails etc.

As far as knowing what other details there are: google "wedding checklist" and about 500 options pop up. pick a checklist that looks right, but they are all pretty much the same. Then start checking off boxes. When you get to a box and you think "wait we need what?" you probably don't need it, unless it is 1) food for guests, 2) seats for guests, 3) some sort of liquid for guests to drink.

Here are a couple of checklists that, at a glance, look pretty good to me.

http://www.realsimple.com/weddings/planning/wedding-planning-checklist-00000000000222/

http://www.littleweddingguide.com/checklist/

http://offbeatbride.com/checklist

And remember, if you have questions, post them here and people will be happy to answer your questions.

jacques27 · July 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

I have had not one person ask to help me plan this wedding. My fiancé is helping me, but this is both our first marriage so we are completely lost! My mom has not helped me AT ALL and has asked ZERO questions! Where do you get advice if you have a mother who could care less about your wedding?

The library. There are literally hundreds if not thousands of books on the subject. Get one that looks good and read it. Many of them also have workbooks that help you sort out budget and help you figure out what you still need to do.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias=stripbooks&field-keywords=wedding planning&sprefix=wedding+plannin,stripbooks&rh=i:stripbooks,k:wedding planning

You are also posting on a message board on a website literally devoted to nothing BUT wedding planning.

Start reading, get organized, ask questions here, stop expecting anyone else you who is not you and your FI to care more about your wedding because they just don't and they never will care as much as you. And, stop caring about what other people are doing. So your brother's FI has games and pinterest? BFD. A wedding reception is essentially just a big dinner party. Anything on top of properly hosting your guests with enough food, drink, and chairs is just fluff.

JCbride2015 · July 2014

My mom doesn't care about my wedding either. Neither does my dad. I hang out here a lot and learn from other brides.

It really sucks your mom is more into your brother's wedding. I'm sorry, but there's not really anything you can do about it.

You sound a little frantic. Relax, grab a margarita, and find a wedding checklist. I bought a planning book, but you can also use an online checklist like @JasperandOpal suggested.

Does your venue have a coordinator or point person? Many of your questions can probably be answered by calling your venue.

CMGragain · July 2014

HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING BY YOURSELF

1. Decide how much money you have to spend. Do not expect money from others unless it is offered, and deposited in a bank account for your wedding. This is your budget.

2. Draw up a guest list of everyone you want to invite to your wedding. You may have to make some cuts.

3. Considering your budget, decide what time of day is best for your wedding and reception. Evening weddings with dinner are very expensive. Morning ceremonies with brunch reception are elegant and cost about half that. Cheapest, and very traditional, are afternoon ceremonies with cake and punch receptions.

4. Check with your church if you are having a church wedding. Some churches, especially Catholic, have many requirements. This may affect the time you can have your reception. Morning ceremony means no dinner reception.

5. NOW you can look at venues, after you have completed steps 1 - 4. Do not consider ANY venue, no matter how romantic, unless it fits all these requirements!

Do not do anything else until you have done your basic planning. Do not buy your dress until you know where and when your wedding will be held. Do not pick bridesmaids or plan parties until you have done all of the above.

We can help you plan your wedding with etiquette approved advice here. Relax. Remember, a REAL wedding only needs a couple who wants to get married, an officient, a license, and legal witnesses!

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

CMGragain said:

HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING BY YOURSELF

1. Decide how much money you have to spend. Do not expect money from others unless it is offered, and deposited in a bank account for your wedding. This is your budget.

2. Draw up a guest list of everyone you want to invite to your wedding. You may have to make some cuts.

3. Considering your budget, decide what time of day is best for your wedding and reception. Evening weddings with dinner are very expensive. Morning ceremonies with brunch reception are elegant and cost about half that. Cheapest, and very traditional, are afternoon ceremonies with cake and punch receptions.

4. Check with your church if you are having a church wedding. Some churches, especially Catholic, have many requirements. This may affect the time you can have your reception. Morning ceremony means no dinner reception.

5. NOW you can look at venues, after you have completed steps 1 - 4. Do not consider ANY venue, no matter how romantic, unless it fits all these requirements!

Do not do anything else until you have done your basic planning. Do not buy your dress until you know where and when your wedding will be held. Do not pick bridesmaids or plan parties until you have done all of the above.

We can help you plan your wedding with etiquette approved advice here. Relax. Remember, a REAL wedding only needs a couple who wants to get married, an officient, a license, and legal witnesses!

THIS!

atlastmrsg · July 2014

If you're really stressing, this isn't going to be fun. Call a wedding planner. Some don't have to get paid to do the whole thing--but can either get you started and then be your day of coordinator, or you could hire someone to guide you every step of the way. Sure, the internet and boards are a resource, but if you need help pulling it off, you should hire someone. It doesn't sound like your mom/whoever is going to be helping you with some of the work that a planner could do (assemble centerpieces, coordinate caterers, take you venue shopping, etc.)

princessleia22 · July 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

I have had not one person ask to help me plan this wedding. My fiancé is helping me, but this is both our first marriage so we are completely lost! My mom has not helped me AT ALL and has asked ZERO questions! Where do you get advice if you have a mother who could care less about your wedding?

Have you tried ASKING HER questions? My mom was pretty uninvolved with my wedding because she knew I was the independent type and figured that I would come to her if I wanted her help or involvement. It's not that she didn't care, it's just that she didn't want to intrude uninvited into our planning. But, she was always there if I asked for help. Maybe you need to try approaching her and just let her know that you could really use her help for figuring out some of the smaller details. Maybe she's more involved in your brothers wedding plans because they have made her more involved. My sister's wedding was a couple months after mine and my mom was much more involved in her planning, because my sister went to her with every detail, asked for her help more, and kept her involved.

Now, this may not be the case for you, and maybe your mom has other reasons for being uninvolved in your wedding planning. But, commenting that she hasn't "asked any questions" kind of makes me wonder if she even knows that you want her more involved. And if she just doesn't care to help, definitely keep posting on the board here because there are a lot of people here that can answer questions.

zitiqueen · July 2014

Are you old enough to drink a margarita?

Knottie51227469 · July 2014

Yes I deffinatley have asked her for help! And the response I get is "you'll figure it all out". No kidding I will, but a little motherly advice would be good! And my brother has deffinatley not asked for help because she complains all the time about not being included in his wedding planning. Ugh, anyways, I'll be sure to post the questions I do have on here! Thanks!

Knottie51227469 · July 2014

And yes, ziti queen, I old enough for a margarita. Haha.

AddieCake · July 2014

Clearly, she is not interested, so stop going to her. Every time you do, you just set yourself up for disappointment. Take control of that and don't allow yourself to get hurt/rejected by her simply by not including her.

tammym1001 · July 2014

While I understand you would like your mom's help, I think you actually have a good situation going on. Since nobody wants to give you opinions you and your FI can have the exact wedding that you want to have and not worry about unwanted opinions. That is how DH and I planned our wedding and it was pretty stress free.

Advice on planning:

1. Do research online or buy a couple of wedding planning books. They will help you nail down the major details.

2. Take everything one thing at a time. You're all over the place with questions. Tackle one area of the wedding at a time.

3. Get as much input and help as you can from your FI. You would be surprised with how many good ideas the guys can come up with.

To answer the questions you specifically posted in this thread:

1. Groomsmen gifts: get them something that ties into their interests. DH's BM was over 21 and likes to drink, but DH decided to get him golf related things instead. They are golf partners so it was appropriate.

2. Where to get advice if your Mom doesn't care: the forums here are great places for advice. It was helpful to me to talk to other people who had recently been married as well. Bridal shows were another great place for ideas (FWIW, my mother had 0 say in anything to do with my wedding and even if I asked her directly she would just way "whatever you want is fine").

3. Plates: Are you having a buffet or a sit down dinner? If it's sit down, then the table should be set before guests get there. If it's buffet then the plates should be at the buffet. The table should never be set while guests are sitting at it.

4. Lights: does your venue have a policy on this? Most venues won't let you hang things at all. If they will let you hang them, do you have a picture of the venue so we can give you some ideas?

5. Personalization: we had our toasting flutes and cake server personalized, but they were gifts from other people and they had them personalized. Not gonna lie though, the photographer got some cute shots of them and I'm glad they had our names on them. This is a completely unnecessary expense though. Those two things are the only things we had with our names and wedding date on them.

Knottie15314536 · July 2014

Dear bride-to-be,

I'm sorry to hear that no one is helping you! Not only is that a total shame - it's an extra and added layer of stress on you! First things first, jot down a to-do list (whether on google docs or a program like Redbooth) - that way you can organize what needs to be done and also delegate who can help you with certain tasks.

As for your under 21 members of the wedding party - get them something long lasting.This may be their first wedding - but it certainly won't be their last. How about a nice pair of cuff-links?

I'm here to help if you'd like! Jenglantz@gmail.com

Liatris2010 · July 2014

Knottie15314536 said:

Dear bride-to-be,

I'm sorry to hear that no one is helping you! Not only is that a total shame - it's an extra and added layer of stress on you! First things first, jot down a to-do list (whether on google docs or a program like Redbooth) - that way you can organize what needs to be done and also delegate who can help you with certain tasks.

As for your under 21 members of the wedding party - get them something long lasting.This may be their first wedding - but it certainly won't be their last. How about a nice pair of cuff-links?

I'm here to help if you'd like! Jenglantz@gmail.com

As in the professional bridesmaid? Vendors aren't allowed to post on the forums, read the TOS.

southernbelle0915 · July 2014

@knotporscha - give the name a quick google, she's in the business.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

Yes I deffinatley have asked her for help! And the response I get is "you'll figure it all out". No kidding I will, but a little motherly advice would be good! And my brother has deffinatley not asked for help because she complains all the time about not being included in his wedding planning. Ugh, anyways, I'll be sure to post the questions I do have on here! Thanks!

Sounds like that is the best way to get her interested in planning your wedding, then ;-)

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