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Wedding favor donation for adoption fund

Hi there,

My fiancé and I have decided that we are going to do a donation in lieu of wedding favors. I understand this concept is a little controversial, for reasons I still don't understand. HOWEVER, we are going to do it. My best friend and my Matron of Honor & husband have been trying to adopt for some time now. They have been through so many trials throughout the adoption process- they were matched with a baby and then the agency lost the mother, after that, their agency went bankrupt and they have lost ALL of the money (we're talking thousands of dollars) that they had set up towards their adoption fund.

We want to specifically donate to their adoption fund. My question is how should I word this to the guests? Here is what I have so far:

 

Thank you for being a part of our special day. In lieu of traditional wedding favors, we have made a donation to:

Danielle & Patrick Garners adoption fund (made up names)

We feel the best gift we can give is the gift of helping others.

Trent & Ashley 12.13.2014

 

Does anyone have any other suggestions? Please don't comment if you don't believe in the donation process at weddings- we certainly don't want anything controversial at the wedding, but I just don't see how helping others could even be a negative! Thank you :)

 

Re: Wedding favor donation for adoption fund

  • This isn't a favor. This is notifying your guests that you spent money on your friends instead of them. 

    No one cares if they go home with a wedding favor or not, but this makes you look like you'd like everyone to fawn over you for helping your friends. 

    Just donate to your friend and don't have favors, period. 
    image
    MuppetOverlordMaggie0829PrettyGirlLostatlastmrsg
  • In addition to the many wonderful points that jacques27 made (especially about your friends' privacy), I personally have some moral opposition to the way adoption works in many cases and I would not be comfortable with such a donation being made in my name. Your heart is in the right place, but you should probably just skip the favors.
  • Like I said before, this is NOT for people to post who are against donations at weddings. We are doing this, sorry you feel like we shouldn't. My question was how to word our donation to our guests.

    It's really this simple, it's our wedding, this is a charity that we want to donate to (and one we are continually donating to). We are not "attention whores" BUT it is our day and this is something we believe in...not something to show off how good we are!?

    Our friends are out in the open about their adoption process, and they have made it public. Anyone who knows either my fiancé and I know the couple we are supporting as well.

    This thread is not mean to be an argument as to whether or not we're doing this, because we are. It's simply about wording something. Thanks.

  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers

    Like I said before, this is NOT for people to post who are against donations at weddings. We are doing this, sorry you feel like we shouldn't. My question was how to word our donation to our guests.

    It's really this simple, it's our wedding, this is a charity that we want to donate to (and one we are continually donating to). We are not "attention whores" BUT it is our day and this is something we believe in...not something to show off how good we are!?

    Our friends are out in the open about their adoption process, and they have made it public. Anyone who knows either my fiancé and I know the couple we are supporting as well.

    This thread is not mean to be an argument as to whether or not we're doing this, because we are. It's simply about wording something. Thanks.

    Please tell me what difference it would make if you made the donation without telling your guests, rather then giving them the post card that says we spent money that would have gone to you to other people. Because all I see is you spend money on postcards that could go to your friends adoption instead. 

    And attention whoring. 

    And. LIfe sucks, you're friends are not a fucking charity because they want to adopt. That is a decision they made, not a tragedy that befell them.
    image



    Anniversary
    manateehuggerPrettyGirlLostatlastmrsgMarzipan13
  • Like I said before, this is NOT for people to post who are against donations at weddings. We are doing this, sorry you feel like we shouldn't. My question was how to word our donation to our guests.

    It's really this simple, it's our wedding, this is a charity that we want to donate to (and one we are continually donating to). We are not "attention whores" BUT it is our day and this is something we believe in...not something to show off how good we are!?

    Our friends are out in the open about their adoption process, and they have made it public. Anyone who knows either my fiancé and I know the couple we are supporting as well.

    This thread is not mean to be an argument as to whether or not we're doing this, because we are. It's simply about wording something. Thanks.

    But why does your cause have to be related to your wedding? Why do you need to announce to everyone what you are doing? Or if you want to gain awareness for your friends, why not host a separate fundraising event? 

    I understand you aren't intending to have this be a look at me moment, but that's exactly what it will look like - false humility and charity. Because why do you need to announce at your wedding that you've donated money to someone else? Seriously, what is the reason? 

    Also, you didn't answer the excellent points jacques made. I imagine this is an intensely personal and painful experience for your friends. My aunt and uncle spent years and huge amounts of money trying to adopt; they certainly weren't putting that struggle out for everyone to see. 

    I imagine they would have been furious if I or my sisters had used our weddings to demonstrate to everyone that we financially helped them become parents. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLostatlastmrsg
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited July 2014
    Well, it's five lines, not a dissertation.  Do you really need all of the internet to help with that?  What you have is fine (or as fine as showing off can be).

    But I still argue that it is about showing off.  The charity can still spend the money and be helped even if you don't tell anyone about it.  It's not like they can't cash the check until you tell everyone at your wedding what a generous person you are.  You can also give them money today and not tie it to anything wedding related if you feel so strongly that you want to help them.  You can also give up flowers or get married in clothes you already own and give up a dress and give them that money instead.  But doing it in lieu of a favor and then telling everyone about it when there are so many other options to support a cause you believe in without having to point it out to people...that's showing off, whether it's your intention to do it or not - it just is.
    MuppetOverlordPrettyGirlLostNYCMercedes
  • It is fantastic that your friends are adopting.  It's a wonderful thing to do for a child, especially given how fraught their path so far has been.  And it's terrific that you and your FI are in a position to help them out.

    That said, please count me as someone who would be incredibly uncomfortable with this as an "in lieu of favors" idea.  Regardless of how open your friends have been in their experiences, your wedding is not their fundraiser.  Nor should they have to then spend your reception fielding awkward or uncomfortable questions from people they don't know.

    Beyond that, pregnancy/infertility/adoption are all potentially emotional triggers.  Are you absolutely positive that there are no other people on your guest list who may also be struggling with infertility, who may be trying to adopt, or who may otherwise find themselves struggling with family expansion and who might wonder why them and not us?

    Donate whatever you want quietly.  Whether that's what you would spend on favors or flowers or alcohol or whatnot.  But keep it separate from your wedding.  No one will miss favors even if there's no donation card.
    image
    Anniversary


    PrettyGirlLost
  • I still think it's ridiculous that others would judge us by giving to others, but I've taken your comments in, and we will skip the favors and privately donate. We have no problem doing that.

    PrettyGirlLostmysticlsouthernbelle0915JennyColada
  • I still think it's ridiculous that others would judge us by giving to others, but I've taken your comments in, and we will skip the favors and privately donate. We have no problem doing that.

    NO ONE is judging your donating. I think it's wonderful that you'd like to help your friend have a family. I'm sure she is incredibly grateful to have a friend with you. 

    What people judge is when you waive your donating in front of their faces and say you've done it in their honor instead of getting them something else when they had zero say in the donating or the cause. 
    image
    chibiyuiMaggie0829PrettyGirlLostJen4948
  • edited July 2014
    No one would judge you for privately donating to your friend's adoption. People simply find the act of relating this donation to your wedding as the favor/gift to guests as inappropriate.


    edited for clarity
    image image image

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
    chibiyuiMaggie0829PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    jacques27 said:
    Agree with the above.

    Also, are your friends okay with your making them a public charity case?  Do they want their financial and adoption troubles displayed for your mutual friends and potentially a lot of strangers (to them) to see?  Do you really want people at your wedding to potentially go up to your friends and ask them a lot of personal questions?

    Oh, I didn't even know you guys were adopting? 
    Are you adopting because you can't have kids?
    Why is there a fund set up for you? 
    Well what happened with your first agency then?

    Yes - those are rude and inappropriate questions, but people will ask rude and inappropriate questions.  And I have to tell you, if you displayed my personal life out in the open like that, you would no longer be my friend.

    Not to mention as a guest (in addition to my normal side-eyeing of the donation in lieu of favor attention whoring to show how magnanimous you are), I would be wondering why there is a fund for people to adopt.  Kids are expensive no matter what, so I'd be wondering if people aren't in the financial position to fund the adoption then why are they adopting.  Just saying a fund doesn't explain that they lost their money in the process and what actually happened.

    Just don't mention favors period - they aren't required in the first place.  Give your friends money because you want to give them money.  Don't make a show of it just to prove what good people you are.
    All of this.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Like I said before, this is NOT for people to post who are against donations at weddings. We are doing this, sorry you feel like we shouldn't. My question was how to word our donation to our guests.

    It's really this simple, it's our wedding, this is a charity that we want to donate to (and one we are continually donating to). We are not "attention whores" BUT it is our day and this is something we believe in...not something to show off how good we are!?

    Our friends are out in the open about their adoption process, and they have made it public. Anyone who knows either my fiancé and I know the couple we are supporting as well.

    This thread is not mean to be an argument as to whether or not we're doing this, because we are. It's simply about wording something. Thanks.

    1.  It stops being your day when you involve other people and guests.

    2.  Have you discussed your plan with your friends?  I would not be ok with you doing this for me, as I would not want everyone and their mothers to know my private business like that.

    3.  If you want to donate to this cause then you donate all of the money you receive from your guests.  You do not donate money you may or may not have spent on favors for your guests, and then loudly announce that you did so.  That's just gauche.

    4.  You can't vet or screen the people who choose to post here, so I suggest you open your eyes and ears and listen to what people are saying, whether they are validating your bad idea or not.  There's a lot you could learn if you care to.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I still think it's ridiculous that others would judge us by giving to others, but I've taken your comments in, and we will skip the favors and privately donate. We have no problem doing that.

    Good for you!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers

    I still think it's ridiculous that others would judge us by giving to others, but I've taken your comments in, and we will skip the favors and privately donate. We have no problem doing that.

    I'm glad to hear you took everyone's advice!  Nothing wrong with taking the money you would've spent on favors and donating to your friend.  But publicly announcing it comes off as showing off.  Weddings are not fundraisers. 

  • JoanE2012 said:

    I still think it's ridiculous that others would judge us by giving to others, but I've taken your comments in, and we will skip the favors and privately donate. We have no problem doing that.

    I'm glad to hear you took everyone's advice!  Nothing wrong with taking the money you would've spent on favors and donating to your friend.  But publicly announcing it comes off as showing off.  Weddings are not fundraisers. 

    I'm very glad you've made this decision.  One thing I just want to mention is that your friends are not a charity.  Unless of course they have filed the appropriate paperwork with the state and federal government to be recognized as such. If they have not done so accepting "charitable donations" (actually just asking for donations) could land them in a ton of legal trouble and possibly result in fines that are greater than the amount "donated" to them, depending on the state they live in.  So do not donate any money to them, just give them a gift.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Marzipan13
  • I like the idea that you are going to do your donation privately just because in my opionion all of your guests don't need to know the personal struggle your friends have gone through to be able to have a child. It could make things ackward. I think it's great that you are doing such a great thing for your friends and helping them with their dreams of starting a family.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited August 2014

    Like I said before, this is NOT for people to post who are against donations at weddings. We are doing this, sorry you feel like we shouldn't. My question was how to word our donation to our guests.

    Stuck in box...

    News flash: First, it's not up to you to dictate who posts what.  You post anything in this forum, and people are going to make whatever comments they see fit, whether or not you specifically asked about it.

    Second, nobody cares what charities you donate to.  You want to donate to an adoption fund?  More power to you.  But don't use your wedding to announce that you are doing it "in lieu of giving favors to your guests."  No guest wants or needs to hear, and it's not a gracious message, that you consider something else more important to spend money on for your wedding than your guests.

    Your wedding is not a promotional event for charitable causes.  It doesn't matter how important the cause is to you or how much you think guests don't like whatever else you might have given them as a favor, because favors aren't required anyway.  Just make the donation without any announcement of it at your wedding.  

  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer

    I still think it's ridiculous that others would judge us by giving to others, but I've taken your comments in, and we will skip the favors and privately donate. We have no problem doing that.

    That seems like the best option.

    Enjoy your day!
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