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Wedding Woes

daddy issues - vent (advice also welcome)

So our officiant asked me the question, "do you want your father to give you away?" I had to tell her that I really haven't decided. I haven't given I t much thought because it's upsetting, but now that I need to make a decision it's all I have been thinking about. So here is my back story: Growing up Mmy dad worked long hours and was often away on business. He didn't do much raising and it almost all fell on my mother. He wasn't very affectionate and we never did daddy daughter type things. He wasn't there to see me off to prom, missed almost all of my competitive swimming events growing up (but would always ask for the men's wrestling schedule) I have always been closer to him than my younger sister and we have a lot of the same viewpoints. But in all honesty, our relationship is more like an uncle/neice. My parents relationship has always been rocky and I could have told you back when I was in middle schools that they would end up divorced. So let's fast forward to December 2013. My FI proposed without asking my parents first. When I called to tell them the awesome news they announced that they were getting divorced....in the same phone conversation. Talk about a huge downer. It is now over a year and a half later and they are still not divorced and it is very ugly. He will not talk about the wedding, and has no interest in it. If it comes up he makes some comment on how marriage worked out so well for him and then changes the topic. I have since stopped all wedding talk unless it's absolutely nessissary. About 3 months ago he and I got in a big fight because I refused to get involved with the divorce and essentially play middle man. In that phone conversation he mentioned that if the divorce to not over by the time of the wedding it will ruin the entire day for me and everyone. I then explained that if he can't behave himself and put his drama aside then please do not come out of respect for me and my FI, and that I have told my mother the same thing. He flew off the handle and told me that if that's the case he probably won't show up and I should find someone else to walk me down the aisle. Since that fiasco we have since made up. I bit the bullet and reached out to him. What can I say, he's my father and I guess I'll just have to be the bigger person. That brings me to now. Do I want someone who has been so unsupportive and negative to walk me down the aisle? But then again he's my father and I don't want to regret not having him giving me away. He's already missed out on a lot. I really have no daddy daughter memories. Thanks ladies for reading. Sorry this is so long. Please excuse my typos I am on my tablet and I suck at typing.

Re: daddy issues - vent (advice also welcome)

  • Sorry that there are also no paragraphs....I did have them there and then they disappeared.
  • You want to know something great?  You've done every single little thing that we tell brides to do in being a mature adult.  So seriously, kudos to you for handling this like an adult...which apparently your father can't do.

    If you really want him to walk you, do it.  Just b/c he's being a douche right now, doesn't mean you won't regret not having him walk you later.  And if he really can't be nice that day, tell him to STFU, give him a Ho Sit Down Card with a smile and walk yourself down.
    GBCKJean0715larrygaga
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Theknot hates chrome's paragraphs, for some reason.  Mine too.

    It really sucks when the children have to be the adults.  I'd say that whatever you do, have a 'plan b'.  Sooooo, if him walking you down the aisle ends up being the plan, have a contingency plan if he doesn't show up.  If you plan on having him just as a guest, have a contingency plan if he decides to be an asshat.  If you plan on walking yourself, have a contingency plan where he might just show up.
    ( the day of any event, it's easy to feel pressured to do *something* because emotions are difficult and someone is standing right there in front of you.)

    Some of whether or not you'll 'regret' (<regret is to strong a word.  Assume I mean monday-morning-quarterback, not "zomgs, what have I done!???!") your choice is going to depend on what your relationship with your parents becomes in the future (Of course, flipside of that, if the relationship w/ them ends up kinda awful, it's easy to say "if only I had/hadn't had him at my wedding, that started this chain of crap...")--so, objectively (HA, like any of us can be objective w/ parents), part of that question is, if tomorrow, they were divorced and they hadn't changed/grown/gotten worse/whatever, will you want a relationship with them?  (that's kinda a convoluted way of asking, 'are these actually decent people in a rough patch, or is he a complete asshole who happens to contribute to my DNA?)

    If you flipped a coin right now, what landing woul dyou be rooting for while it  was in the air?

    what about the rest of family?
    Other people shouldn't control your choices and all that--but will the choice you make re: dad affect other important people (sibilngs, aunts & uncles, grandparents, family friends) in your life?

    Jean0715
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'd take issue with your officiant. Frankly, your father could escort you down the aisle, but there doesn't have to be any "giving away" crap. Or you can walk down the aisle by yourself as the capable, independent adult that you are.
    Jean0715
  • All good advice, I just want to add that if it were me, I'd plan on walking myself down the aisle.  Your dad doesn't sound terribly reliable right now, and I think it's better to plan starting there.  Honestly, I don't think you'll regret this one decision--what you'll regret (understandably) is the cumulative total of all the ways he's let you down or your relationship hasn't been what you wanted it to be.  And I don't think the escort/no escort decision will materially change that.  And for me, the big possibility of unnecessary drama vs. the small chance that this will turn into a redeeming father-daughter moment would tip the balance in favor of walking myself.  Just my $0.02.
    MNNEBrideJean0715
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Is there anyone else who can walk you down the aisle? A grandparent, perhaps? If you're worried about it seeming strange because it's NOT your father, maybe pick an important woman in your life, like a grandmother or an aunt. For some reason I feel like when you gender-swap, people no longer look at it as "Oh, who is that man NOT HER FATHER with her?" and instead see "Aw, her and her grandmama, how nice!"

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    Jean0715
  • Thank you all for your advice. Our officiant who is also my FI maternal grandmother is very much in the loop. (She has done a wonderful job of separating grandparent/officiant role. She takes her role as a Reverend very seriously) Her and I are going to take your advice and come up with a plan B. I don't think I will have anyone else walk me down the aisle. I feel like that would be like rubbing salt in a wound. 

    Its a lot to think about. All of your advice is so helpful. Thank you ladies!
  • MegEn1 said:
    Is there anyone else who can walk you down the aisle? A grandparent, perhaps? If you're worried about it seeming strange because it's NOT your father, maybe pick an important woman in your life, like a grandmother or an aunt. For some reason I feel like when you gender-swap, people no longer look at it as "Oh, who is that man NOT HER FATHER with her?" and instead see "Aw, her and her grandmama, how nice!"
    I had the same thought - maybe a sibling, or even your mother if your father declines to attend altogether. (i'm sure having your mom walk you in front of him would just cause more drama.)

  • I agree that having someone else walk you down the aisle would cause unnecessary drama, especially if he attends. Just smile and say you decided to walk down the aisle unescorted. That's a perfectly legit choice even if you don't have problems with your dad.
  • Last night my FI and I went on a very nice dinner and he asked me what my thoughts were. He knows its been weighing heavy on my mind. As of now we have decided that I will walk myself down the aisle, and he will walk up and meet me half way and he will escort me down. He said, "we are a team and I will always meet you half way." Its a bit untraditional, but it is very much us and explains our entire relationship in one sentence. 

    OliveOilsMomGBCKjay788
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Jean0715 said:
    Last night my FI and I went on a very nice dinner and he asked me what my thoughts were. He knows its been weighing heavy on my mind. As of now we have decided that I will walk myself down the aisle, and he will walk up and meet me half way and he will escort me down. He said, "we are a team and I will always meet you half way." Its a bit untraditional, but it is very much us and explains our entire relationship in one sentence. 

    Perfect! And no need to explain what it means to anyone. The two of you know and that is enough.
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Jean0715 said:
    Last night my FI and I went on a very nice dinner and he asked me what my thoughts were. He knows its been weighing heavy on my mind. As of now we have decided that I will walk myself down the aisle, and he will walk up and meet me half way and he will escort me down. He said, "we are a team and I will always meet you half way." Its a bit untraditional, but it is very much us and explains our entire relationship in one sentence. 

    That's freaking adorable though. 
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    Jean0715
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