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Large Family, Little Budget - What to do?

Re: Large Family, Little Budget - What to do?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    First, don't make any plans that involve your parents' money.  You've already seen for yourself that you can't count on your father to provide the money he promised.  This doesn't mean that he won't, just that you can't depend on it.

    Second, invite only the number of people you can actually afford on your own money.  That might even be less than 100 people if neither of your parents ponies up.

    Third, be very firm with both parents that the only people whose names will be on the guest list will be people you feel close to and actually want to invite.  Anyone else can receive an announcement after the wedding.  It is not rude to not invite someone just because they are an aunt, uncle, or other family member.  The only rules about invitations are that couples must be invited together, that all guests must be invited for the whole event, and that the whole event has to be paid for by the hosts-regardless of what is "traditionally" done in one's culture, it is not appropriate to expect guests to pay for any part of their provisions, whether that's food, drinks (alcoholic or nonalcoholic), parking, or any other amenity.
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    annarenteria said:
    My parents as well as my fiance's parents are both divorced and come from large families. (Just for reference, my mom has 9 brothers and sisters, all with children, many with children of their own, and my mom is the youngest, meaning there are many older cousins I barely know.) I'm paying for my wedding basically by myself, with little assistance from my mom with the dress and she has also chosen to host an engagement party and bridal shower. My fiance's mom, who works seven days a week, has been giving us small chunks of cash here and there to try to contribute. My father said he would help, and went so far as to have me open a savings account he could contribute to, but 4 months have passed and he hasn't put any money into it. (This is a whole other post in itself....)

    The point is, we have only space for about 100 people, and that is the MAXED out amount. I want to use those spaces to invite people that are really important to us that we see and communicate with often. My mother is insisting that we invite all of her brothers and sisters and that they "won't come" but I find that completely rude. I haven't really talked to my dad about his expectations, but I'm closer to many of my cousins on his side, but still don't think I'm close enough with many of them that I would be happy filling so many spaces with family I don't see often. On top of all that, I'm concerned about being "equal" on who is invited from both families. 

    I have a select number of cousins who I wouldn't dream of letting miss the big day. So what do I do about all the others? My mom thinks I should send invites so I can get gifts out of them, but I think it's improper. What to do!?
    If your mother wants all these people invited, she needs to pay to host the reception at a larger venue.  Not paying?  No say.  You determine the guest list.  Only invite the number of guests you can truly accommodate.   Don't ever assume people will decline, or you will probably regret it and be scrambling at the last minute.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Be careful about inviting some cousins and not the others. Depending on your family dynamic, invite in "circles".




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  • balletbride0316balletbride0316 member
    First Comment
    Thanks, Jen! I think I just needed reassurance that it's OK I invite those I want there to share in my special moment!
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Invite who you want to and prepare for the fallout. Tell those who question you that you just can't accommodate all family and friends you would like to have join you. Don't invite over the venue's max.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    NYCMercedes said:
    Invite who you want to and prepare for the fallout. Tell those who question you that you just can't accommodate all family and friends you would like to have join you. Don't invite over the venue's max.
    Thanks, Anna!

    With regard to the bolded in NYCMercedes' suggestion, don't forget that the venue's max has to include yourself, your FI, all your bridal party members, your families, and your vendors as well as all your other guests.
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  • annathy03annathy03 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Keep in mind that when people start paying they start getting a say, so while your parents shouldn't get a disproportionate amount of the guest list, if you're accepting their financial help you can't scratch all of their list automatically.  And don't count on money you don't have in hand (i.e. your father).

    As for circles, you know your family best but I recommend at taking a look at how many of a circle you want to invite.  You have 20 cousins and want to invite 3?  No problem, the others will have to understand you're not as close with them.  Have 7 and want to invite 5?  The other two will probably feel snubbed, and while you aren't obligated to invite them it may reduce family drama considerably.  Never invite someone just in hopes of a gift, you're gut feeling that is improper is 100% correct.
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    annabanana2016 said:
    Thanks, Jen! I think I just needed reassurance that it's OK I invite those I want there to share in my special moment!
    You seem sweet and like you're trying to do what's best, but please please please take phrases like this out of your vocabulary (this includes "It's my day"). And you can't have any moment without your FI, so it should be OUR moment. 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    My dad has 3 sisters, and I'm only inviting 2 of them to my wedding. I don't know the third one at all; she lives on the other side of the country and never bothers to communicate with us. I haven't even seen her in over 15 years. My dad was actually happy with my decision not to invite her, cuz he's not close with her either. We're also trying to keep our wedding small so I had the same mindset-- I'm only inviting people I know well and stay in contact with. Their relation to me means nothing. My dad called his absentee sister and let her know that we're having a very small wedding and that my FI and I are paying for a lot of it and have a tight budget. If she chooses to get offended over it, too bad. It's my wedding and my budget. And I don't know her.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2014
    I am confused about your wedding plans.  There are many ways to have a budget wedding.  WHAT ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?

    1.  Basic wedding:  bride, groom, officiant, license, legal witnesses.  No reception, no guests.   You send out formal wedding announcements after the ceremony to friends and relatives.  YES, THIS IS A REAL WEDDING!

    2.  Afternoon wedding:  Everything above plus guests.  You need invitations, and you must have a reception for your guests after the ceremony.  Cake, coffee and punch are required, and trays of veggies and tea sandwiches are a nice touch, too.  Options include wedding gown, bridesmaids, photography, music, flowers.  Good venues include back yards, gardens, parks, churches.  There must be a chair for every guest.

    3.  Morning wedding:  This can be done at a church or country club, with a formal brunch reception.  It is half the cost of dinner.  Alcohol is an option, but most people won't drink a lot in the daytime.  Dancing is sometimes featured, but don't expect the reception to go on as long as an evening one.  No tuxedos.

    4.  Evening wedding:  The is the most expensive plan ,and if you are on a strict budget, you should revise your plans.  Full dinner, alcohol (usually expected, but not required), dancing, the works.  It costs about twice any of the other more traditional options.  Tuxedos are permitted.

    Now, what is your budget?  If you don't know, do not make any wedding plans until you do.
    What is your guest list?  This is up to you, unless someone else is paying.
    What style of wedding can you afford with the above two criteria?
    NOW you can look at venues!  Reject any venue that does not fit into your budget, guest list and wedding style. 
    People are more important than any wedding vision you might have.
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    novella1186 said:
    My dad has 3 sisters, and I'm only inviting 2 of them to my wedding. I don't know the third one at all; she lives on the other side of the country and never bothers to communicate with us. I haven't even seen her in over 15 years. My dad was actually happy with my decision not to invite her, cuz he's not close with her either. We're also trying to keep our wedding small so I had the same mindset-- I'm only inviting people I know well and stay in contact with. Their relation to me means nothing. My dad called his absentee sister and let her know that we're having a very small wedding and that my FI and I are paying for a lot of it and have a tight budget. If she chooses to get offended over it, too bad. It's my wedding and my budget. And I don't know her.
    There was no need for your dad to do this.  You could have just not invited her.

    To tell you the truth, it's very insulting to get a call or other contact saying you're not going to be invited to something. 
    I agree, it's like he's rubbing it in her face that she's not invited.  Very rude.
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    JoanE2012 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    novella1186 said:
    My dad has 3 sisters, and I'm only inviting 2 of them to my wedding. I don't know the third one at all; she lives on the other side of the country and never bothers to communicate with us. I haven't even seen her in over 15 years. My dad was actually happy with my decision not to invite her, cuz he's not close with her either. We're also trying to keep our wedding small so I had the same mindset-- I'm only inviting people I know well and stay in contact with. Their relation to me means nothing. My dad called his absentee sister and let her know that we're having a very small wedding and that my FI and I are paying for a lot of it and have a tight budget. If she chooses to get offended over it, too bad. It's my wedding and my budget. And I don't know her.
    There was no need for your dad to do this.  You could have just not invited her.

    To tell you the truth, it's very insulting to get a call or other contact saying you're not going to be invited to something. 
    I agree, it's like he's rubbing it in her face that she's not invited.  Very rude.
    You know how I know when I am not invited to something?  When I don't get an invitation.  Simple as that.  No "you are not invited" phone call necessary.  That's pretty insulting.
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  • balletbride0316balletbride0316 member
    First Comment
    MGP said:
    JoanE2012 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    novella1186 said:
    My dad has 3 sisters, and I'm only inviting 2 of them to my wedding. I don't know the third one at all; she lives on the other side of the country and never bothers to communicate with us. I haven't even seen her in over 15 years. My dad was actually happy with my decision not to invite her, cuz he's not close with her either. We're also trying to keep our wedding small so I had the same mindset-- I'm only inviting people I know well and stay in contact with. Their relation to me means nothing. My dad called his absentee sister and let her know that we're having a very small wedding and that my FI and I are paying for a lot of it and have a tight budget. If she chooses to get offended over it, too bad. It's my wedding and my budget. And I don't know her.
    There was no need for your dad to do this.  You could have just not invited her.

    To tell you the truth, it's very insulting to get a call or other contact saying you're not going to be invited to something. 
    I agree, it's like he's rubbing it in her face that she's not invited.  Very rude.
    You know how I know when I am not invited to something?  When I don't get an invitation.  Simple as that.  No "you are not invited" phone call necessary.  That's pretty insulting.
    I think it all depends on the family dynamics. Perhaps it was better for her to hear it from her brother directly than letting her find out on fb after it's already over. 

    But thank you all for the input! :) And yes, I should be saying I'm excited to celebrate OUR special day! (Afterall, he's got more opinions that I know what to do with!)
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    annabanana2016 said:
    MGP said:
    JoanE2012 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    novella1186 said:
    My dad has 3 sisters, and I'm only inviting 2 of them to my wedding. I don't know the third one at all; she lives on the other side of the country and never bothers to communicate with us. I haven't even seen her in over 15 years. My dad was actually happy with my decision not to invite her, cuz he's not close with her either. We're also trying to keep our wedding small so I had the same mindset-- I'm only inviting people I know well and stay in contact with. Their relation to me means nothing. My dad called his absentee sister and let her know that we're having a very small wedding and that my FI and I are paying for a lot of it and have a tight budget. If she chooses to get offended over it, too bad. It's my wedding and my budget. And I don't know her.
    There was no need for your dad to do this.  You could have just not invited her.

    To tell you the truth, it's very insulting to get a call or other contact saying you're not going to be invited to something. 
    I agree, it's like he's rubbing it in her face that she's not invited.  Very rude.
    You know how I know when I am not invited to something?  When I don't get an invitation.  Simple as that.  No "you are not invited" phone call necessary.  That's pretty insulting.
    I think it all depends on the family dynamics. Perhaps it was better for her to hear it from her brother directly than letting her find out on fb after it's already over. 

    But thank you all for the input! :) And yes, I should be saying I'm excited to celebrate OUR special day! (Afterall, he's got more opinions that I know what to do with!)
    I don't think "family dynamics" can be used to cancel out every instance where good etiquette proclaims that something should not be discussed.  I wouldn't appreciate being told I'm not being invited to a family wedding because of "family dynamics."  In fact, I experienced this once when my older brother told my mother that he was going to invite me to something, and then, without ever issuing me an invitation to it or even discussing it with me, called me to tell me that he specifically was not going to invite me and specifically instructed me not to go.  I told him that it was very hurtful of him to give me a "we don't want you to come so stay away" message when it came to an event that he'd never invited me to in the first place.  All he had to do was keep his damn mouth shut.
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