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Dueling Engagements

Knottie00184411Knottie00184411 member
First Comment
in Snarky Brides
Ok, so I just got an engaged a week ago, and I'm over the moon happy. My fiance's best friends' (two brothers) sister got engaged two weeks before me. Her brothers would be in our wedding party almost guaranteed, and we also have some crossover of guests. I don't want to plan around her wedding, but she made a snarky comment to me over the weekend that "I'm doing MY wedding in September 2015" which is when we were hoping to do ours, like really making it a clear point after she asked me when we wanted to do ours, when I told her we were thinking September 2015. Can you really call dibs on a wedding month?? I also don't want to personally share wedding months because I'd feel bad putting that on our friends who would be invited to both. We were only engaged two weeks apart, and I'm upset that I feel like I need to switch up my plans. My fiance would be heartbroken if his friends couldn't be there, and on top of that I feel like we can't set a date or do anything until she decides when hers is. I really don't want to compromise, I feel like I shouldn't have to. What should I do? It doesn't seem like there's any reasoning with her or compromising on her end. She's being a little bridezilla-y with this topic, meanwhile she hasn't even started to look at halls/churches. My fiance and I were planning to wait to look at halls until we get back from our vacation in two weeks, but I feel so anxious to start planning. Help!
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Re: Dueling Engagements

  • twitterbirdtwitterbird member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its
    Is there any travelling involved for the crossover guests (or the brothers you mentioned)? If not then go ahead with your plans. I have a friend with 4 weddings this summer (including her own) within her now husband's group of friends. They had a wedding to go to 2 weeks before their own. You can't call dibs on a whole month.
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  • Knottie00184411Knottie00184411 member
    First Comment
    Thank you girls for your replies. I guess I'm most concerned about our weddings being the same weekend. When we get back from Aruba in two weeks, we'll start looking, and our goal is to have a date by the end of this September (for September 2015). He and I always imagined a fall wedding, and I didn't want to go into October because I worry about the weather here in NY.

    For the most part, none of our mutual friends are from OOT, so we should be ok. Maybe I'm being sensitive, but I just don't want to compromise. She shouldn't feel like she reserves the whole month of September until she picks a date. I think I'd like to still look (we already talked to our church, so the whole month is still pretty open for Saturday afternoon weddings), so once we find a date/hall for that month, should I just at least tell her? And be like, well, if you haven't already, we booked this night... your brothers will be in the wedding party, so I wanted to make sure you knew what date we chose? It's just annoying... I feel like she's pushing to have priority when, like you said, it doesn't matter. I totally agree with you on that. It's just nice to hear someone else tell me that! 
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yes, once you have your church and hall confirmed and booked, let her know which date you've reserved ASAP.
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  • gothic_fairy60gothic_fairy60 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Until a venue is booked, no one really has a date set. Keep that in mind. I would book my date and then tell her so that she is aware that you have chosen a date. The same month should not be a problem, I don't understand why some brides flip over this. I would only avoid the same day or possibly weekend. My wedding is on a Sunday, and I know there is no way I would want to go to a wedding the night before.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She doesn't get to claim a whole month. My cousin is getting married 3 weeks before me. It's really not a big deal. We have overlapping guests, of course. But as far as I know, most people are planning on attending both weddings. The only thing I was concerned about was my cousin being back from her HM - I really wanted her to be able to attend my wedding. And it's all worked out. 
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  • Knottie00184411Knottie00184411 member
    First Comment
    Yeah, and honestly, she's not OUR friend, it's our friend's sister... I wouldn't expect to be invited to hers, nor her to mine. Our list is already getting out of hand, so we have to draw the line. Even though we see them frequently, it's only because of her brothers. This isn't the first time since I've met her that she's had a prima donna streak either, so maybe I just need to keep reminding myself that. I just don't want to put friends in a situation to choose. My fiance and I wanted to enjoy our engagement for a few weeks, go on our vacation, and then look at venues. We have a list of places to look at so far, so I imagine it wouldn't take us too long to decide. I guess in ways, there are so many balls in the air, and being the OCD freak I am, I'm just anxious to get started. 

    Thank you for your replies!!
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  • jenajjthrjenajjthr member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I got engaged in late november. ExH proposed to his FI NYE. My FI and I wanted an Oct. wedding. I obviously had no intention of planning my wedding around what my ex and his FI was planning, but since we had kids I did let them know that we were looking at Oct. dates. Not to claim the month, but to let him know the timeframe. His FI went crazy saying she had always wanted an Oct. wedding and now she couldn't. He even asked if he could split kids that day. I let him know when we finally picked a date and reserved the venue and let him know that HEY! there were 30 other days his "lovely" FI could pick from if she still wanted an Oct. wedding. Nope couldn't do that. That month was now ruined. Okay, then.

    They ended up going with 9/10/11, because that was a really cool date to get married on. Yay them. OP, like others have said. You each get one day. No one has "dibs" until deposits have been paid. When you get back from vacation check to see if she has booked anything yet. If not, then proceed with what works for you. Happy planning!
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Honestly speak with your FI about what would happen if their wedding did end up being planned for the same day.  How would he feel if these brothers could not attend?  If he can't picture getting married without these guys there, then I would let the sister pick a date first.  She sounds like the type of person who would plan her wedding on the same day out of spite.
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Dude. Pick your date and let them know. Then it is out of your hands. They have to decide what do do after that. When I got engaged, I wanted to get married as soon as possible, at a very specific place. There was 1 day available for the next year and a half and it was the week before the wedding of a family friend. It was requested of me to NOT choose that date and I said, while I respect your request, I am not scheduling my wedding around his (our immediate family would be the only overlap in guest lists). When we actually went to book it, they had a cancellation for a date 3 weeks prior to the other wedding, so we chose it instead. But you bet your ass I would've taken the other date if the cancellation had not happened. You can only schedule your life around other people so much.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    This chick is insane. Pick the date you want and tell the brothers ASAP. I picked my date a year and a half in advance and immediately asked my college roommate to be a BM cuz I was so excited. 6 months later her little sister got engaged as well as her cousin, and they both started eyeing my same wedding month (which is fine, because I do not own the month nor does anyone else who's getting married). My college roommate was awesome enough to tell her sister and her cousin "my friend asked me first, so if you planning your wedding the same date as hers, I won't be coming to your wedding. Hers is the 2nd, just so you know." They both totally understood and were courteous enough to look at other weekends of that month. This is a wonderful example of several adults acting like logical adults. No one got upset, no one get offended or dramatic. That chick sounds like a train wreck.
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  • KahlylaKahlyla member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    They get one day, you guys get one day. That being said, something about an October wedding sounds absolutely beautiful to me. And maybe less common, so lower prices? The crisp fall air, the leaves changing... just something to think about!
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Honestly speak with your FI about what would happen if their wedding did end up being planned for the same day.  How would he feel if these brothers could not attend?  If he can't picture getting married without these guys there, then I would let the sister pick a date first.  She sounds like the type of person who would plan her wedding on the same day out of spite.
    This.

    I'm reading this as the OP really does not want to put the 2 brothers in a position of having 2 weddings on the same day.   Not that she doesn't want any weddings in the same month.   How she goes about this is going to be tricky since she seems to be indirectly dealing with a crazy person.     

    IMO, it's silly to wait around for her to pick a date. You don't even know when they are going to start looking.   I would say before signing on the dotted line ask the brothers one more time if she has picked a date.  After that you just have to let the cards fall where they will.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • StitelMEStitelME member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    This chick sounds a little drunk on wedding power. No way does she get to dictate your wedding plans to you! I would pick your date and let the brothers and her know. I'd also make sure to make it a matter-of-fact statement and not a question so that she can't assume you are asking for approval. Also, I would not assume that she will be as forthcoming to you about her wedding date given her previous behavior. I agree with PP, she gets one day. You have the right to use that month if you so choose.

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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Kahlyla said:
    They get one day, you guys get one day. That being said, something about an October wedding sounds absolutely beautiful to me. And maybe less common, so lower prices? The crisp fall air, the leaves changing... just something to think about!


    SITB

    October has become more common, mostly because of the weather and scenery, so a lot of venues charge full price from April to October.

    The first weekend of October should still be just fine, as far as weather is concerned, but I wouldn't blame the OP if she refused to budge. It's the principle of the thing.

    That said, I agree that I'd let the brothers know ASAP, and if she picks the same date out of spite, then she's a raging cuntwaffle and I would cut ties with her as much as possible.
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  • vh2014vh2014 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    My brother and FSIL got engaged a year before we did.  She wanted October of this year... so did we... our venue wasn't available so we went with Labor Day weekend (which caused other issues that worked themselves out)  because it was the only date left that worked for us but if they had October we would have taken it.  She and my brother have now moved their wedding to the spring (for other reasons... mainly because she still hasn't decided on a venue).  She was not nasty or demanding or anything... my point is to agree with PPs... it isn't done until the venue is booked. If I had tried to avoid her "month" and then she didn't book it I think THAT would have made me mad (at myself).  

    Maybe a good answer to her would have been, "oh that will be fun to have it in the same month" we can do wedding things together!  I invited FSIL to some bridal shows with me and it WAS fun.. and I think it got her moving on planning.  I like her though, it doesn't sound like that's the case for you.  

    So go, have fun, plan your wedding, and then let her know when it is with a smile on your face letting her know you just wanted to make sure it wasn't the same weekend and how exciting it is that you'll be married in the same month.  Play dumb to the fact she was implying she owned the month. :) 
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    She seems like she may be difficult, given that she is trying to claim the whole month as hers. Have they booked a date yet? Have you and your FI booked a date yet? If things are getting close to booking a date and venue, and you really want Sept 2015, I would communicate with the other bride about your date (when booked) and tell her that it was the best date that worked for you, the timeline is perfect, and that you've always wanted a September wedding. You can say that you wanted to give her a heads up for her own planning... hopefully she sees this as a courtesy and that you're not trying to start drama.

    Another option if you just want to avoid any issues is doing an early Oct wedding.
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