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Six Months From Now

buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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in Not Engaged Yet

I'll be on my way to the OMH club. I have so many feelings right now. I'm excited, nervous, happy, stressed, sad. All the feels. I feel like I have nothing done, but there are some days, I think to myself "all the important stuff is done, so anything I forget now is NBD".

I was sad this morning because I've been to weddings where the bride and groom had their grandparents and even great-grandparents there. My dad's parents who I was close to both passed away in 1998. I miss them still and I wonder sometimes if they would like FI or how they would treat them. I think about adding certain aspects of their lives into our wedding, but I don't want it to be sad for my dad too. My bouquet is all roses and that was my grandmother's middle name and she loved to garden. I plan on having piano music played for our ceremony since my grandfather's favorite thing in the world was to play music on his piano. He only listened to classical music, never anything else. I'm also having a photo charm done of their wedding photo for my flowers. These are nice, not in your face things to memorialize my grandparents, but it's still not the same as them being there.

My mom's family on the other hand, my grandparents as of right now, are still alive. A few years ago my mom had a falling out with her parents because of me. My cousin and my mom came to visit me after my ex-bf just disappeared and I was sad, but okay. I mean, I wasn't crying in my pillow every night but I wasn't the person I am now. My cousin went back to Pennsylvania and told everyone I was suicidal. When my mom went out there to visit my grandparents, that was brought up and a huge fight started with how my grandparents treated me differently than my cousins. I never thought about it because my grandparents raised my cousins, but apparently it was something that was bothering my mom.

I know deep down, when they do pass away I'll be sad. If I was getting married four years ago they would be invited. One side of me wants to extend the olive branch and invite them. I don't want to lose a relationship with them. I was kind of forced to since my mom told me that my grandmother obviously didn't care about me if she believed what my cousin said and she always treated me different, so why waste my time communicating with her? FWIW, when I did used to call, she treated me like a stranger but I tried so hard at a relationship because I didn't have any other grandparents. On the other hand, if I do extend the olive branch, I'm back in the drama with the extended family (my cousins live a crazy life. I legit have a cousin that's like Pensyltucky (sp?) on OITNB). It's hard, everyone is getting old and it sucks. I know I can't force a relationship between my mom and her mom again, but I just want them (my grandparents) to know that I still think about them since they're the only grandparents I have left.

Should I say something to my mom or my grandparents or just let it go?

CN: I haz all the feels.

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Re: Six Months From Now

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I'm so excited for you that it's six months until you're an OMH! Time goes by so fast now that it's under six months, I felt like my engagement flew by after that.

    I think that how you're memorializing your father's parents is very special and sweet. My mother's parents both passed before I was married and I wondered the same thing about whether or not they would have adored H as much as I do and how they would have loved to be there at the wedding. I never knew my grandfather but I wore my grandmother's pearl earrings that he gave to her on their wedding day. I thought that was a great way to have a piece of her with me on our wedding day.

    In my opinion I think it's very gracious and mature of you to invite family to your wedding that you may not be very close with. It shows that you're above the drama and that it's more important to you to have them there as family rather than not inviting them because of the past.

    H has a lot of family drama and we considered not inviting a few of his family members. We actually went as as far as not sending a save the date or an invitation to his step sister. His step mom called us and yelled as for that so we sent her an invitation kind of last minute. I feel bad about it now because she has turned a new leaf apparently and is trying to become part of the family again but I don't know really. H's mom's parents are estranged from his mother and when they came to the wedding it was super awkward at first of them but they put their drama aside to share the special day for H and I.

    This wedding is about you and your FI and I would focus solely on that the whole time! If family comes to start drama then they're selfish. Don't let them ruin your day. To answer your question though (if I haven't already) I would invite them and not bring up the past maybe until after the wedding unless it's in your heart to talk to them about it now. If it were me, I'd rather just focus on you and your FI and possibly deal with that after you're married so in worse case scenario it wouldn't release more drama prior to your wedding.
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    luckya23luckya23 member
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    My mom had a similar problem with my dad's mother, and I hadn't spoken to her in years before she died, but like you, I had always thought I would at least invite his side to my wedding, so I did have regrets that I didn't form my own relationship with her as an adult.  My dad's sister died a few months ago too, and I'm glad I at least got to know her a little over facebook the last few years, while she was living across the country.

    I think you should maybe prepare your mom that you want to contact her parents - but I'm sure her issues are about far more than the conversation about you... most people have complex feelings about their parents!  Some are more willing to let the relationship go than others. 

    You don't have to make it about inviting them to the wedding or not... You can just reach out and see where it goes. 

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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    I'd be inclined to reach out to your mom's parents, but not specifically to invite them to the wedding at first.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I like what @TwoDimes said more than what I said lol.
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    I like what @TwoDimes said better, too.
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    buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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    edited June 2014

    @southernpeach89 thank you so much for the kind words! It's hard to seperate the family drama from a big event like a wedding and I haven't really thought about it until this morning. I hope the next six months fly by too!

    @kelani23 you are so right about complex feelings with parents! My mom and my aunt are very close but my mom was my grandmother's favorite and treated my aunt like crap and of course, being a kid growing up in the 50's and 60's you didn't tell your mom to stop beating your sister and I think my mom feels guilty about that too. I'm going to see my mom next weekend and might bring it up to her at some point. In the back of her head, I know what she's going to say (you make your bed, you lay in it with THAT family) but I could be completely wrong.

    @keptinstiches, I was thinking that too. Maybe call my grandmother on her birthday (it's a few days after mine) and just see what's going on. If she acts the same way that she always does then maybe I'll re-consider how I feel about this whole situation. I just wished our family was as close as others. But, on the other hand it could be a lot worse, so I should be happy for what I have.

    ETA: @twodimes is so wise! I wish I could invite my grandparents and then that's it but that seems rude too...I just want to see them one last time.I don't want to get involved with my cousins and their spouses and kids. But unfortunately, they're like a unit (my mom calls them the clusterfucks)

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    eilis1228eilis1228 member
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    Agree completely with @TwoDimes


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    Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
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    Oddly enough, we invited H's uncle to the wedding because it was "the right thing to do"....he actually came.  He was drunk like a skunk and fell onto the back of my dress (this sounds like an emergency, but it was actually HILARIOUS) BUT there was some good - he really didn't act like an a-hole AND he got to see his mom (H's grandmother) for probably the last time.

    So I can see it going either way, obviously.  I don't think we will continue a relationship with him because I mean, my wedding is the only time I've ever met the guy, but it wasn't as big of a disaster as it could have been.

    I might start by extending the olive branch in a non-wedding fashion and seeing where that goes, but I would clear it with your mom first so you don't alienate her by going behind her back or something?
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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    carliealissacarliealissa member
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    @buddysmom80, omg that means I have 6 months and 2 weeks, eek!  I have a lot to do.

    I can understand how you feel.  I am so close to my grandparents, and ever since we got engaged I have been sooo worried and having nightmares about something happening to one of them before the wedding.  I have no reason to think that something would so it's kind of random.

    There's always going to be something that "other people" get to have at their wedding to be jealous of. I've been a lot more OK about my parent's divorce in the past few years, but our wedding has really made a lot of my feelings resurface and made me feel bad about it in a lot of stupid, small ways.  (Like FI's siblings all displayed their parents and grandparents wedding photos at their weddings; I can't do that because it would be weird since my parents are divorced and it would be weird to just leave them out.)  Stupid- who cares about that?  But it was just another small thing to make me feel upset that my parents are divorced.  Names on invitations, seating arrangements, disliked significant others, etc.- I feel jealous that other people don't have to deal with all that.

    Sorry for the tangent, I guess I'm just trying to say that there's always something...  weddings seem to bring out so many emotions.  I do tend to think that if you have no real relationship with this set of grandparents and they treat you like a stranger, it doesn't seem worth it to have them at your wedding just so you can have a set of grandparents present.  As @TwoDimes said though, this is just something only you can decide.  Will reaching out to them make you feel better; could it make things worse? 

    I guess I have nothing else really to add that hasn't already been said but best of luck figuring everything out.

     

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    minskat30minskat30 member
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    I think @Blue&White has a good idea of extending the olive branch pre-wedding to see how it goes.  If you are going through this much anxiety over whether or not to invite them to the wedding I worry you will regret not inviting them in the end.
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    buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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    @blue&white if I do decide to contact them, I'm going to talk to my mom about it next weekend. I don't want to do something like that behind her back because I think it would hurt her feelings.

    @carliealissa I don't think I would want them there just to have them there. I just wished we had the kind of relationship where when we were making a guest list, I was like "parents, grandparents, aunt and uncle, etc" like it didn't even cross my mind to invite them.

    @minskat30 I'm worried about the regret too about not inviting them. I really need to think about this and talk to my mom about it, but it's so hard to get her to not be so negative about the whole situation.

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    phiraphira member
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    I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think anyone could have adequately prepared me for the ways that a wedding can bring up so many sad feelings about family or friends. It's rough.

    I think that it's worth getting in touch with your grandmother. You don't have to start with inviting your grandparents to the wedding; that's a gesture you can make, but it's not the only gesture available. Weddings are kind of bad "deadline" for reconciliation, so if you maybe make things less about the wedding and more about how you want to try to reconnect, you might feel a lot less pressure.

    I do want to add, although obviously I don't know your family at all, I'm not sure why getting back in touch with your grandparents means that you'll get sucked back into your extended family's drama. Some people are like that: when I reconciled with my dad briefly several years ago, he immediately insisted that I get to know his new wife and stepkids, come to paternal family stuff, etc etc. At the time, I didn't realize how unreasonable he was being; I wish I had enforced my boundaries better.
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    buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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    @phira I didn't think I was going to have so many feels! I thought it was happy all the time! Unfortunately with my grandparents, it's a package deal. I can't keep contact with them and then not have other family members contacting me.

    I took a break from work  and looked back at old messages that my cousins sent me on FB. They're really hurtful four years later. Being called the dumbest c--t in the whorehouse isn't an awesome thing to hear from a 16 year old. It made me realize how manipulative and mean my extended family is.

    Even if I talked to my mom about it and she gave me the okay to contact her mother and I did, my grandmother is chatty enough to tell my cousins. I just wish I could keep it a secret between myself and my grandparents but that would never happen.

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    luckya23luckya23 member
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    edited June 2014

    Even if grandma tells the cousins, why do you have to have contact with them?

    ETA: Cousins sound... lovely.

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    Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
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    yay 6 months!!! I have no grandparents coming they have all passed on.  FI has 1 grandparent left who is 96 and she is coming.  She is most of the reason we decide to do something locally versus getting married this past March in the Bahamas.... I'm so excited she will be there too.

    I agree a lot with what others have said.  I would extend the olive branch, see what happens and then consider extending a wedding invite.

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    labrolabro member
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    buddysmom80 said:

    @phira I didn't think I was going to have so many feels! I thought it was happy all the time! Unfortunately with my grandparents, it's a package deal. I can't keep contact with them and then not have other family members contacting me.

    I took a break from work  and looked back at old messages that my cousins sent me on FB. They're really hurtful four years later. Being called the dumbest c--t in the whorehouse isn't an awesome thing to hear from a 16 year old. It made me realize how manipulative and mean my extended family is.

    Even if I talked to my mom about it and she gave me the okay to contact her mother and I did, my grandmother is chatty enough to tell my cousins. I just wish I could keep it a secret between myself and my grandparents but that would never happen.

    I have to say, I was on the same page as everyone else. But after reading this I don't feel the same. As much as you might regret not having your grandparents there it sounds like you may regret it more by inviting them. That kind of bolded statement is horrible and I'd have an incredibly difficult time moving past that. It sounds like your grandparents plus crazy extended family are a package deal, invite one, and you have to invite them all. I'm not sure if having your grandparents there on your wedding day is worth the crazy.



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    blabla89blabla89 member
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    6 months YAY!

    I'm sorry about your grandparents, and that you're going through this. Sending you lots of hugs for that. It sounds like a really difficult situation. I'm a believer in the idea that time heals most things, so I would think it's good to extend the olive branch to your grandparents. I agree with Phira that this doesn't have to be centered on your wedding, so maybe you could start by getting in touch with your grandmother and trying to reconnect before the invitations go out. As for the cousins, unless they've grown up and changed a lot, I wouldn't invite them or even be in contact with them. Maybe you can get a read on this as you start reconnecting with your grandmother.
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    buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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    edited June 2014
    @kelani23 I don't have to contact them, fortunately. I just don't want them to know anything about my life at all. If I talk to my grandparents of course whatever I tell them has to be relayed to the whole family which I'm not comfortable about. @peaseblossom55 is today your last day at work?!?!?!?! So exciting!!!! @lapeanut1018 I really really wish there was some way to just keep in contact with my grandparents without the whole family finding out. They're freaking nuts. @blabla89 my two cousins are 45 and 44 and still rely on my grandparents financially so I don't think they've grown up in the past four years unfortunately. I don't even want to know at this point. They're bad people. So here's my plan (so far): Talk to mom next weekend and see how she feels about this. If she's okay with it, call Grandparents next month just to check in. If they're friendly, open up the communication a little more. If they're distant, just end it. If grandparents and I open up the communication more, try to encourage them to keep all the information between the three of us and not the rest of the family. My aunt (the crazy cousins are her kids), has a really good relationship with her son in law. If he tells my aunt that his wife and sister in law found out that I was talking to grandparents, I'm just going to end it with them. I know it sounds really selfish, childish, whatever to not have my cousins know what's going on with my life but I can't trust them. They've lied to me, stolen from me, been mean to me my whole life. I don't want that around for another 30 years.

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    buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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    WTF TK I had paragraphs!!!!!

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    blabla89blabla89 member
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    @buddysmom80 that isn't selfish or childish at all. People who treat you like that don't deserve a place in your life. Unfortunately that may eventually put you in the awkward position of telling them why you don't want them at your wedding or in your life, but it sounds like severing ties with them completely might be relieving for you. I hope things go well with your grandparents!
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    minskat30minskat30 member
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    @buddysmom80 - That sounds like a great plan and, I agree, your cousins are jerks.  I'd have no issue telling them I want nothing to do with them after what they said about you. 
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    @buddysmom80, that sounds like a good plan to start with.
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    wedpianistwedpianist member
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    Follow your heart, if you feel you want them there, bring it up and take from there, let your mom know your thoughts. That was so sweet about your classical pianist grandfather! Here are some song choices to help. www.examiner.com/article/unique-selection-of-classical-piano-music-for-wedding-ceremony My website: http://cocktailandeventpianist.weebly.com
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    buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
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    @knotporscha vendor alert

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Invite who you want there, and don't invite who you don't want there. It's your wedding! If having certain people present will make the day more special, then you deserve to have them present. If they don't have the decency to act nice on an occasion like this, then they're the ones looking like fools.
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