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FMIL thought I was going to convert to Catholicism

behsco90behsco90 member
100 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
edited August 2014 in Catholic Weddings
FI and I talked about marriage long before we got engaged.  He is a practicing Catholic and I am not (non-baptized).  We respect each other's faiths and beliefs, and decided we would have a Catholic wedding (most likely outside of mass) and get dispensation from the church so that the marriage would be recognized and valid in the eyes of the church.  FMIL also knew that it would be a Catholic wedding, and she was very happy.

Today we met with his priest for the first time to start the whole process.  The priest very clearly stated that we can get the dispensation, and that the marriage would be valid by the church, though it wouldn't be a sacrament, but FI wouldn't be living in sin.

So FI just called me and told me he got into a huge fight with his mom.  He told her about our meeting with the priest, and the dispensation came up and he explained it to her and she got very upset.  Apparently this whole time she was under the impression that I was going to go through RCIA classes and get baptized and convert.  I don't know where the miscommuncation happened (FI probably just never told her either way that I was or wasn't going to convert) and she probably just assumed.  So she is upset because she thinks he'll be living in sin (even though FI tried explaining to her that he won't).  She got so upset that she told him she probably wouldn't come to the wedding.

I just feeling like crying.  I love FMIL so much, and this just comes as a shock to me, because I assumed she knew I wasn't going to convert, but it probably came as a shock to her too, because she assumed the opposite.  FI told me she is very old school and just doesn't understand.  He told her to go talk to the priest so they can explain it to her himself, but I don't know if she will.  Anyways, FI is very mad at her, and she at him.  I just can't believe how upset she is about this.  FI also explained (which the priest explained to us too) that it's good that I am not converting, because it would be for all the wrong reasons, and it wouldn't be real if I was just doing it to make FI happy.  God would know it wasn't real, I would know, FI would know and it's just not right.

But I guess that doesn't matter to her. Anyways, I told FI I want to talk to her about this (although I don't know how far we would get because she only speaks Spanish and my Spanish is limited) but he told me not to because it would be a bad idea and might backfire because she is so upset.

Ok I'm sorry this is so long, I guess this is a part vent and part looking for advice as to what to do.  I am just so shocked right now because it seems so out of character for FMIL, the way I know her.  She is always happy and calm, so it feels like it came out of nowhere.  I thought she would understand, but I would be so so sad if she didn't approve of our marriage or come to our wedding.

Thoughts? Advice? Prayers?  Anything?  Thanks!
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Re: FMIL thought I was going to convert to Catholicism

  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 member
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Lots of prayers. Take a deep breath. Probably the best thing is if mother and son make an appointment with the priest and have a chat. Given her background, the priest's "authority" may at least give them some room for listening, which is the first step to some resolution.
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  • Riss91Riss91 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Completely agree with Irish. It would be best for your FI to work this out with FMIL. If it helps, directly from the Mixed Marriages section of Canon Law via the Vatican website specifically mentions marriage between a Catholic and non-baptized party:

    Can.  1118 §1. A marriage between Catholics or between a Catholic party and a non-Catholic baptized party is to be celebrated in a parish church. It can be celebrated in another church or oratory with the permission of the local ordinary or pastor.

    §2. The local ordinary can permit a marriage to be celebrated in another suitable place.

    §3. A marriage between a Catholic party and a non-baptized party can be celebrated in a church or in another suitable place.



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  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    behsco, you're doing everything right regarding the church process. I'm so glad you aren't converting for the wrong reasons, too.

    There is unfortunately big misunderstandings about what valid and sacramental marriages are and how they can take place in the church, as well as the fact that a marriage outside a mass is just as valid as one done in a mass. (Since you are not baptized, its not an option to get married inside a mass). Since your FMIL is spanish speaking, this may be somewhat culturally encouraged too. 

    I would guess the only thing that might convince her is a talk with the priest. And to make sure there are no misunderstandings on her end about the fact that you ARE getting married in the church, by a priest. 

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  • Tami87Tami87 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Previous posters pretty much covered it, but I wanted to add my support. You are doing everything right and I completely agree that you shouldn't feel pressure to convert for the wedding or to make FMIL happy.

    I also thinking having your FI and his FMIL sit down and talk to a priest together could perhaps help her to better understand the situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with all this, lots of hugs and prayers.
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  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    l I'm sorry you're going through this and what to add my support too.  You're doing everything right from the sound of it.  I really hope this will settled down ok for you.

    Just another thought, do you think she might be concerned about how chi    ldren will be raised?  Even if that's not it, it's a good conversation for you and your FI to have (if you haven't already).

    I hope you'    ll stick around here if you've got any more questions or need to vent at all.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Best for your FI to set up a meeting with the priest and her there as though it's part of the prep process because this really is (if she doesn't understand the church's teachings on this subject in that you do not need to convert and the church's belief - it IS a part of your prep and vital that this is worked out now).  Coming from the priest will make things so much easier on everyone because the priest takes on the role as chaplain. 

    That said - you are being awesome in that you are respecting the faith and don't want a wedge between you and your future IL's and what the church's teachings ARE! 

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  • Lisawalker14Lisawalker14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I am sorry for all the frustration, if it helps I have a few stories, one my mother and father married in a Lutheran church and they (despite objection from their family) had everyone attend and it all went swimmingly. (And my mother converted a few years later XD) also my mother in law says every other week she won't come to the wedding for some reason or another, at that point you sometimes just have to shrug and say oh well it is too bad they choose to miss this moment, and will prob regret it later, but there is nothing you can do about it.

    Also, as far as the whole converting thing, I am all for people learning about the church and having it grow but tha is a big decision that shouldn't be taken lightly, just make sure you don't jump into things to make her happy.
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  • nicole4793nicole4793 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    That stinks that this is happening to you, especially since none of this is your fault... It's really no one's fault, just a classic case of old school mentality. People from older generations are very set in their ways and believe what they want to believe. I mean that in the kindest way possible! 

    My advice to you is to simply relax. I know it's stressful, and you're probably hurting over this. Let her come around on her own, but do not convert if that is not what you feel is right for you!!! Don't let anyone bully or convince you to do so. Maybe you can all meet with the priest together? I hope she doesn't let this permanently come between all of you. Keep your head held high. All of you will get through this. :)

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  • hyechica81hyechica81 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    i had similar issues. i got married this past june hubby is a practicing catholic but should be going to church more often than he does, i was baptized in my dads catholic church but when i was 5 my mom decided to go back to her church/religion which is armenian orthodox. 

    we thought we were going to have issues with hubby as we were getting married in my church his church deacon  said we should come back after we were married and they would do a blessing service to  make the marriage valid in the church.  his mom was bent out of shape about it but she eventually came around but pushed us for the blessing ceremony.

    we met with the priest of his church who said to us that we might not need the ceremony as the orthodox church is the only church in close relations with the catholic church and in full mass ( they can participate in sacraments in my church and my church vice versa, he was not 100% sure so he had to ask someone higher up in cannon laws 

    he got back to us and told us there was no need for a blessing because our marriage was valid in the catholic church 


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