offended aunt

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

Apparently, we offended the entire groom's family by using formal invite wording: bride's parents, invite you to marriage of daughter to groom at location on this date, at this time. Apparently, even though groom's family has not been involved financially or otherwise, the groom's parents should have been listed on the invite. Fiance's aunt decided the best time to approach me, which was the 5th time I have seen her in my life, was right after I had opened gifts and gotten emotional about grandmother's wedding glasses that were passed on to me.

Do people understand etiquette any more?

NOW FIANCE WANTS TO SEND LETTERS APOLOGIZING FOR OFFENDING THEM!!!

I literally don't know what to do at this point. No one from his family has rsvp'd and the due date is in two weeks. This includes his own brother.

CMGragain · August 2014

The groom's parents should not be on the invitation unless they are hosting the wedding.

The invitation is a note from the HOSTS to the guests, telling them who, what, when and where. It is not a family tree.. It is not an honor to have your name on it.

Your fiance's aunt is ignorant, rude and completely out of line. It is none of her business how you word your wedding invitation.

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

Any advice? I agree but feel like I can't even defend myself. No one from his family has rsvp'd and I feel like it is because of this.

CMGragain · August 2014

Pretend that nothing happened, and forget their rudeness. If they decide not to attend, you won't miss them.

jenijoyk · August 2014

Ugh. I'm so sorry @FutureMrsDRodeo. Weddings make people legit crazy.

MobKaz · August 2014

Was your FI aware of the invitation format prior to sending them out? If he approved of the invitation, then you and he need to stand together on this point.

If ONE aunt can create such drama from an insignificant issue, and an entire family literally rallies around her, and against you and your FI, I think you have more to worry about in the future. Unless you want this aunt dictating/controlling other issues, shut her down now.

Once the RSVP date has passed, treat anyone who has not responded the same. Call and say, "We have yet to hear from you. Our RSVP date has passed. If we do not hear from you by XX/XX, we will assume you are unable to attend. You will be missed." Anyone that would decline attendance over something so petty is not worth worrying about.

Has this aunt always been the family bully?

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

FI is being very suportive and was offended that she attacked me, especially since he saw her at the shower (he stopped by to say hello), and she said nothing to him about it. Sounds like she has always been "opinionated" and "direct". The good news is that we pretty much only see his immediate family, hence the reason I don't even know this woman (I was trying to be nice by inviting his aunts to the shower). But I am hurt that if " entire family " was offended that FSIL or brother or sister, didn't say anything. FI was involved in wording of invites and understood examples of how wording is when bride's parents are both hosting and paying for event.

Ugh!

mysticl · August 2014

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FI is being very suportive and was offended that she attacked me, especially since he saw her at the shower (he stopped by to say hello), and she said nothing to him about it. Sounds like she has always been "opinionated" and "direct". The good news is that we pretty much only see his immediate family, hence the reason I don't even know this woman (I was trying to be nice by inviting his aunts to the shower). But I am hurt that if " entire family " was offended that FSIL or brother or sister, didn't say anything. FI was involved in wording of invites and understood examples of how wording is when bride's parents are both hosting and paying for event. Ugh!

You only have this aunt's word that the entire family is offended. She may be exaggerating. Don't read too much into the lack of RSVPs. Some people are just last minute responders.

Jen4948 · August 2014

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FI is being very suportive and was offended that she attacked me, especially since he saw her at the shower (he stopped by to say hello), and she said nothing to him about it. Sounds like she has always been "opinionated" and "direct". The good news is that we pretty much only see his immediate family, hence the reason I don't even know this woman (I was trying to be nice by inviting his aunts to the shower). But I am hurt that if " entire family " was offended that FSIL or brother or sister, didn't say anything. FI was involved in wording of invites and understood examples of how wording is when bride's parents are both hosting and paying for event. Ugh!

I'm confused-the OP says he wants you to "apologize for offending her."

climbingsingle · August 2014

Holy shitballs. Is it possible this aunt is overreacting and trying to speak for the family when they don't actually feel slighted at all?

I think you ignore her rudeness (I know it's easier said than done). Do not send any letters to FI's family. You did nothing wrong.

StitelME · August 2014

This situation stinks. I ended up having to ditch etiquette a bit with my invitation wording because my mom said well beforehand how hurt and upset she'd be if I just had my dad and stepmom on the invite. I have divorced parents and my dad and stepmom are paying for 90% of the wedding. I ended up just putting "The Parents of... Bride & Groom invite you" instead of what I know etiquette says. But the fact that I have divorced parents was a large chunk of this. In your situation, I would've worded my invites the exact same way you did. I think what the aunt did was petty and disrespectful and anyone who is offended by the invitation is unreasonable. I also believe that sending a letter apologizing for offending people would send a very clear, very BAD message. If these individuals are so offended that they aren't going to RSVP/come to the wedding, I think you would probably be happier not having them anyways.

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

I definitely do not want to send these apology letters-we did nothing wrong and two seconds of research on her part and by the other family members would show that our wording is correct. Just having trouble convincing FI that just because some extended family members have a distorted view of invite wording, doesn't mean we should have to apologize. But he just wants to "smooth things over".

We have since talked with his dad (his mom passed away last year) and he was upset that his sister did what she did, and told FI that she was out of line and he didn't even notice the wording. We are still confirming that FBIL and FSILs did not feel the same as aunt. But I feel much better since his dad did not feel hurt.

Just don't know where aunt gets off thinking she should have done what she did. Yuck.

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

Jen4948 said:

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FI is being very suportive and was offended that she attacked me, especially since he saw her at the shower (he stopped by to say hello), and she said nothing to him about it. Sounds like she has always been "opinionated" and "direct". The good news is that we pretty much only see his immediate family, hence the reason I don't even know this woman (I was trying to be nice by inviting his aunts to the shower). But I am hurt that if " entire family " was offended that FSIL or brother or sister, didn't say anything. FI was involved in wording of invites and understood examples of how wording is when bride's parents are both hosting and paying for event.

Ugh!

I'm confused-the OP says he wants you to "apologize for offending her."

His thought is that we say something like " there was no I'll intention behind the wording of the invites. We were following etiquette on formal wedding invites" blah blah blah. She thinks that there was "hidden meaning" behind leaving his parents off.

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:
Holy shitballs. Is it possible this aunt is overreacting and trying to speak for the family when they don't actually feel slighted at all?

I think you ignore her rudeness (I know it's easier said than done). Do not send any letters to FI's family. You did nothing wrong.

Holyshitballs!

I thought I was the only person thay says that!

Maggie0829 · August 2014

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FI is being very suportive and was offended that she attacked me, especially since he saw her at the shower (he stopped by to say hello), and she said nothing to him about it. Sounds like she has always been "opinionated" and "direct". The good news is that we pretty much only see his immediate family, hence the reason I don't even know this woman (I was trying to be nice by inviting his aunts to the shower). But I am hurt that if " entire family " was offended that FSIL or brother or sister, didn't say anything. FI was involved in wording of invites and understood examples of how wording is when bride's parents are both hosting and paying for event. Ugh!

I'm confused-the OP says he wants you to "apologize for offending her."
His thought is that we say something like " there was no I'll intention behind the wording of the invites. We were following etiquette on formal wedding invites" blah blah blah. She thinks that there was "hidden meaning" behind leaving his parents off.

Yeah don't do that.

I would, however, have your FI call up his Aunt and tell her that your invites were worded correctly and according to etiquette standards and that he apologizes if she took any offense but that there was no malice behind the wording. But your FI should also say something to your Aunt about how it was incredibly inappropriate of her to confront you about the invites at your shower and that he does not appreciate her talking to you in that way.

Also, unless his entire family tells you that they are offended, I would take his Aunts word about the entire family being offended with a grain of salt.

beethery · August 2014

Maggie0829 said:

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FI is being very suportive and was offended that she attacked me, especially since he saw her at the shower (he stopped by to say hello), and she said nothing to him about it. Sounds like she has always been "opinionated" and "direct". The good news is that we pretty much only see his immediate family, hence the reason I don't even know this woman (I was trying to be nice by inviting his aunts to the shower). But I am hurt that if " entire family " was offended that FSIL or brother or sister, didn't say anything. FI was involved in wording of invites and understood examples of how wording is when bride's parents are both hosting and paying for event. Ugh!

I'm confused-the OP says he wants you to "apologize for offending her."
His thought is that we say something like " there was no I'll intention behind the wording of the invites. We were following etiquette on formal wedding invites" blah blah blah. She thinks that there was "hidden meaning" behind leaving his parents off.

Yeah don't do that.

I would, however, have your FI call up his Aunt and tell her that your invites were worded correctly and according to etiquette standards and that he apologizes if she took any offense but that there was no malice behind the wording. But your FI should also say something to your Aunt about how it was incredibly inappropriate of her to confront you about the invites at your shower and that he does not appreciate her talking to you in that way.

Also, unless his entire family tells you that they are offended, I would take his Aunts word about the entire family being offended with a grain of salt.

My aunt Z will overreact and speak on behalf of the whole fam (without speaking to them about it so whether they'd actually agree with her or even know what she's talking about is usually up for debate) about stuff like this, so I feel ya.

We have TWO terms in my family that refer to her: "Radio Z" because if you want something announced to the family, all you have to do is tell her and say that you don't want anyone to know, and "Aunt Z salt" which refers to a 10lb salt block because that's what you have to talk with half the shit she says.

StitelME · August 2014

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FutureMrsDRodeo said:

FI is being very suportive and was offended that she attacked me, especially since he saw her at the shower (he stopped by to say hello), and she said nothing to him about it. Sounds like she has always been "opinionated" and "direct". The good news is that we pretty much only see his immediate family, hence the reason I don't even know this woman (I was trying to be nice by inviting his aunts to the shower). But I am hurt that if " entire family " was offended that FSIL or brother or sister, didn't say anything. FI was involved in wording of invites and understood examples of how wording is when bride's parents are both hosting and paying for event. Ugh!

I'm confused-the OP says he wants you to "apologize for offending her."
His thought is that we say something like " there was no I'll intention behind the wording of the invites. We were following etiquette on formal wedding invites" blah blah blah. She thinks that there was "hidden meaning" behind leaving his parents off.

As much as it's sweet that he cares about accidentally offending people, even this wording (which I'm sure feels really innocent and innocuous to him) implies that you guys did something wrong/feel bad. Neither of which was true. Additionally, forcing you to apologize for the sake of "smoothing things over" can be a pretty slippery slope, especially with such a controlling personality like this aunt seems to have. Trust me - my MOH is very opinionated and outspoken about it. She also can be sensitive about the wrong things (she's currently upset that my mom put her foot down about who gets to help me get dressed the day of). Sometimes "smoothing things over" seems like the easiest path, but it's not always the best one.

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

When it comes time for calling the people who have not RSVP'd, I would have a small script written out for FI if anyone actually says something to him about the wording of the invites. Since he should be the one who calls his family, it will help if someone who was truly offended (since I doubt Aunt speaks for entire family) says anything.

FI: Hi Uncle John, its FI. I hope you are doing well. I'm sorry to bother you, but I needed to confirm whether you can attend our wedding on x date.
Uncle John: I'm hesitant to attend based on the wording of the invitation, it is such a slight to our family.
FI: Oh, I'm sorry that you feel that way. There was no ill will towards our family when drafting the invites. We used the traditional wording from Miss Manners (or any other ettiquette book). The traditional wording doesn't include the groom's family anywhere, so that is why only my name is present.

I also think that Maggie's advice about FI calling his aunt is spot on.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

Ditto what Maggie and OliveOilsMom said. Your FI needs to call out his aunt for being a bitch. Otherwise, don't let her stir the pot, and don't take her word as truth on whether anyone else is really butthurt over this. If anyone else mentions it, say "we used the proper wording from a host to a guest - my parents are hosting the wedding, so they are listed as such."

novella1186 · August 2014

CMGragain said:

The groom's parents should not be on the invitation unless they are hosting the wedding.

The invitation is a note from the HOSTS to the guests, telling them who, what, when and where. It is not a family tree.. It is not an honor to have your name on it.

Your fiance's aunt is ignorant, rude and completely out of line. It is none of her business how you word your wedding invitation.

Damn straight.

novella1186 · August 2014

If anything needs to be addressed with this situation, it's not whether or not crazy aunt got offended, it's how she treated you at YOUR BRIDAL SHOWER. The invitation was perfect. Her behavior was disgusting and way out of line. To attack you at one of your own wedding events when you were gracious enough to include her is so ridiculous. Are you sure that wasn't my aunt who wandered over to your party?

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

Thank you all for the words of advice. I felt like I was going crazy. I am going to put my foot down on the letters. Sometimes the support of strangers puts a tear in my eye!

FutureMrsDRodeo · August 2014

This is what I sent my friend after the shower. Screw my manicure and Aunt Bitchy

princessleia22 · August 2014

Aunt is being crazy and overreacting. You did nothing wrong. And I certainly wouldn't be writing letters to FI's whole family to apologize when you did nothing wrong.

If anything, maybe FI should talk to his parents about it (in person preferably), since they are the ones apparently at issue here (unless aunt expected you to list all extended family on the invite). Are they upset at all that they weren't included on the invite? If so, then maybe FI needs to explain the situation and etiquette of hosting to them. This isn't an issue that affects anyone except his parents, so their should be no need to discuss it with anyone else besides them. If they aren't bothered by it, then maybe FI's parents can mention it to aunt or other family that it's not an issue and there isn't any reason for them to be upset. Or they can tell them that rudely approaching their future daughter-in-law over a non-issue is inappropriate.

mysticl · August 2014

nicoann said:

Aunt is being crazy and overreacting. You did nothing wrong. And I certainly wouldn't be writing letters to FI's whole family to apologize when you did nothing wrong.
If anything, maybe FI should talk to his parents about it (in person preferably), since they are the ones apparently at issue here (unless aunt expected you to list all extended family on the invite). Are they upset at all that they weren't included on the invite? If so, then maybe FI needs to explain the situation and etiquette of hosting to them. This isn't an issue that affects anyone except his parents, so their should be no need to discuss it with anyone else besides them. If they aren't bothered by it, then maybe FI's parents can mention it to aunt or other family that it's not an issue and there isn't any reason for them to be upset. Or they can tell them that rudely approaching their future daughter-in-law over a non-issue is inappropriate.

OP already covered that. His mother is deceased. His father didn't even notice the wording and is upset at his sister (the aunt) for behaving in such a matter and considers her to be out of line.

danamw · August 2014

An apology is only for a circumstance where a person realizes they did something wrong, and regrets it. That is not the case here. The OP didn't do anything wrong, and therefore there is nothing to regret. Apologizing in this instance would be incorrect and empty. Also, "I am sorry you are offended by my action, which was not wrong" is a back-handed apology and is wrong in itself. In short this situation is nothing to apologize for. Just ignore this nutcase. Paying more attention to her is just validating her nonsense.

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