Alone at the worst time

Re: Alone at the worst time

• larrygaga member

  

  August 2014

  You don't plan your own bachelorette parties or plan your own showers. Not everyone gets one. Your sisters don't owe you a single thing. You should be happy enough that you got to go on a vacation with your sisters! That's a thing that many people don't get to have, at all. 

  
  

  What confuses me is that you knew they has substance abuse issues and you took them/wanted to take them clubbing, which is a prime place to be around substances. You shouldn't try and make your loved ones do things they don't want to do.

  
  

  I get that you are disappointed, and that's okay. Remember that you have two close sisters, and a FI. You aren't alone at all!!!

  
  

  If your mom is paying for any part of the wedding, she is allowed to choose some guests. If she isn't paying, than you have to tell her that you can't allow any more guests because of budget/space issues.

  
  

  Is your FI on board with the wedding you are planning? Is he MIA because he doesn't want the wedding you want? Maybe he assumes it's a girl thing? I have seen many grooms insist that it's the brides day, and that is totally wrong. It's both of your days. 

  
  

  If he just wants to pick things and not help, tell him that you can't do all the work alone and the wedding won't be able to happen without his help.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• acr264 member

  

  August 2014

  They don't really have substance issues, it's more just that they decided they wanted to smoke up all weekend instead of showing me a good time, even though they know that's not my cup of tea. I was not expecting them to pay for anything, but they were rude and dismissive the whole time. There was zero effort to do anything I wanted to do (and I'm pretty easy to please) and in general just ganging up on me when I was upset that they were smoking up in an un-ventilated hotel room.
  

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• Heffalump member

  

  August 2014

  Is this unusual for them, to be rude and dismissive of you?
  
  Also, is there a typo in one of the posts, or does the first one say "They both have substance issues" and the second say "They don't really have substance issues."  Confusing.
  

  acr264 said:

  This is my first time posting to this forum so sorry if I don't know all the ettiquette and abbreviations. Basically I have no one else to turn to. I need advice from other brides who can relate.
  
  It's Monday afternoon and I just got back from what I thought was my bachelorette party. Like some of the other brides on wedding woes, I've never been a girl's girl with lots of female friends. I've always been very close with my two older sisters and given that they both live nearby, they were a natural choice as my bridesmaids. My one sister is already married (i was about 18 at the time) and did it very rushed so she didn't experience a lot of the normal wedding stuff that I have. She has said that she never got a bachelorette party or expected anyone to throw her one, so why should I.
  
  We decided to go on a girls trip to Atlantic City. I did most of the planning. I suggested a few different things (wine country, just a night out in the city etc) but they both really wanted to go to the beach. It was going to be a vacation for all of us, and a bachelorette party for me - or so I thought.
  
  Without getting too into details, it was a complete disaster. They both have substance issues, which I am not down with, and brought it in the car and did it the whole time we were there even tho I asked them not to. They refused to go clubbing or go dancing at all, even though we got all dressed up. When I started to cry, they just said I was being self centered and expecting too much. Am I? I just want a normal bachelorette party and no one is even trying.
  
  On top of that, my fiance has hardly helped at all with planning and for some reason is being very MIA when I need him most. My mom is trying to add last minute guests who i don't know to the guest list (we are very limited and the wedding is less than 3 months away) and she is very religious and upset that we will be living together before we are married.
  
  Long story short, I feel totally alone, sad that I didn't get to have fun at all over the weekend ($300 out of my own pocket down the drain) and I'm just disappointed in everyone. I know it sounds selfish, but not having a bachelorette party feels like they forgot my birthday. I wasn't expecting anyone to pay for me or anything extravagant, I didn't even need it to be a trip (could have just gone out where we live) but I just wanted them to at least try to do stuff I wanted to do. To not smoke weed for a day (or bring it in my car or our windowless un-ventilated hotel room) and actually do something I wanted to do.
  
  I just feel so disappointed and alone. Am I being a bridezilla? Anyone else here have bridesmaids who think it's not their duty to throw the bride a bachelorette party?
  

  
  

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• acr264 member

  

  August 2014

  Well it's not like hardcore drugs, it's weed. Either way, it ruined the weekend. It's not like them at all to be rude and dismissive, we have always been close. But when I asked that maybe they just don't smoke for the weekend, they were both very defensive and acted like I was trying to keep them from having fun. I don't think they owe me anything, but I do just wish they had tried a little harder to be nice and respect the fact that this is a very special time for me..that they pretty much ruined with their drug habits. I wish I could go back in time and just do a nice dinner in town instead of an overnight trip. I suggested as much but they both wanted to do this trip. I knew it was a vacation for all of us, but yes, I hoped that they might step up a little.
  
  Despite the responses here, I still feel cheated and hurt by the riff in my family. It couldn't come at a worse time. Would love some empathy from other brides.
  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  August 2014

  acr264 said:

   She has said that she never got a bachelorette party or expected anyone to throw her one, so why should I.
  
  We decided to go on a girls trip to Atlantic City. I did most of the planning. I suggested a few different things (wine country, just a night out in the city etc) but they both really wanted to go to the beach. It was going to be a vacation for all of us, and a bachelorette party for me - or so I thought.
  
  Without getting too into details, it was a complete disaster. They both have substance issues, which I am not down with, and brought it in the car and did it the whole time we were there even tho I asked them not to. They refused to go clubbing or go dancing at all, even though we got all dressed up. When I started to cry, they just said I was being self centered and expecting too much. Am I? I just want a normal bachelorette party and no one is even trying.
  
  
  Long story short, I feel totally alone, sad that I didn't get to have fun at all over the weekend ($300 out of my own pocket down the drain) and I'm just disappointed in everyone. I know it sounds selfish,
  
  

  I don't think you clearly communicated your expectations in regards to this trip - your sisters were expecting a "girls' weekend" where they got to have fun with their sisters, and you expected them to be throwing you a bachelorette party. It sounds as if you behaved like a spoiled brat all weekend because you didn't get your way.

  
  

  You stated in the 2nd paragraph that your sister didn't have a bachelorette party and didn't feel like she should throw one for you. I don't understand why you thought that this girls' trip, where you did most of the planning was your bachelorette party.
  
  The only thing in your post that I will agree with is that they shouldn't have been smoking in the car/hotel. Not because it's weed, but because it's disrespectful in general to any non-smokers sharing that same confined space. (Especially if you were the owner of the car - I don't know why you let them continue.) Smoke is a migraine trigger for me - so I can't spend a lot of time in confined spaces where smoking is allowed. 

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• acr264 member

  

  August 2014

  Wow. Last time I turn to a wedding forum for some support. You guys are harsh. Spoiled brat? Hardly. I pay for everything myself and work my ass off. I thought this was a forum for wedding woes for brides. Why take the time to respond if you are just going to be mean?
  

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• GBCK member

  

  August 2014

  why take the time to post a question if you just want 'support' consisting of everyone agreeing with your POV?

  
  

  The thing is, if you expect them to become different people for your wedding you'll always be disappointed.  They are who they are, you can't change them; you can change your expectations from what you *think* sisters to be to accept them as the sisters they are, or you can continue to get disappointed.  

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• acr264 member

  

  August 2014

  I never expected them to be something they aren't.
  

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• GBCK member

  

  August 2014

  So this behavior is dramatically out-of-character ("were they kidnapped by aliens who returned a cyborg doppelganger?" ) for all of them?

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• acr264 member

  

  August 2014

  Yes it was out of character. Thanks for the sarcasm.

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• jaime232 member

  

  August 2014

  Ah I just wanted to leave a quick response to encourage you.  It can be hard to express frustration about the different personalities you run into throughout the planning process and have it be met with the whole "NOBODY is supposed to do ANYTHING for you" comments that sort of just make you feel like sh*t when really all you want to do is be able to enjoy these events, especially if you've seen other brides go through the same things.  Sorry, that was long-winded and possibly didn't make sense, hopefully you know what I mean.  

  
  

  I'm not a selfish person, and I don't consider myself a bridezilla by any means, but it's true that we as brides all come with a certain amount of expectations, and it is disappointing when things fall short.  Unfortunately, expressing those on literally the most appropriate website in the world for wedding-related things usually means that you have to be prepared for people to disagree with you.

  
  

  As far as your fiance though, that is surprising and disappointing.  If it were me, I think I'd carve out some time to sit down with him and have a conversation about what you need from him, because he is truly the only person you're "allowed" to rely on during this time.

  
  

  Keep your head up!  At the end of it all, you get to be married.  

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• GBCK member

  

  August 2014

  that wasn't sarcasm, it was a legit question.  Out of character HOW?  like they normally would have done this and suddenly wouldn't or that they're not returning calls to ask about it or what?

  
  

  Because, really, when suddenly all of your friends/family start acting like space-aliens ate their brains, its time to ask some hard questions.

  Like, is your perception/expectations off, or is this really new behavior?

  Or if something is changing, what is it?  is it part of how relationships change w/ age and marital status, or is it that I've been bitchy w/ wedding planning or is it that sissy is having a drug problem and sissyB is in an abusive relationship?

  
  

  Because the important part when suddenly they're dramatically out of character isn't to figure out how todeal w/ the wdding stuff, it's how to deal with the RELATIONSHIP stuff that the wedding stuff is exposing.

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• acr264 member

  

  August 2014

  I think that's a very legitimate point and very accurate. I think the wedding stuff is exposing the way we as sisters, as PEOPLE, have all just grown apart. It's hard to really get into it all in an online forum, especially when it concerns my sisters and their personal lives and issues. It's been quite a long time since I've been on an overnight trip like this with both of them. Basically had we just gone to dinner instead, none of this would have happened. Call me selfish, but I do think I have a right to be upset. As I walked down the boardwalk, I saw many other bachelorette parties, groups of girls with tiaras and banners having an awesome time and I just wished I could be one of them.

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• acr264 member

  

  August 2014

  That made perfect sense, Jaime, and thank you so much for your comment. I do wish I could experience all the normal bridal celebrations but I know it's not the end of the world if I don't. Ultimately I am just excited for the big day to get here and hope me and my sisters/bridesmaids can move forward. Even though, I, personally, am not totally ready to forgive.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2014

  I would recommend talking to Fiance about his involvment. I think that the wedding industry has it branded into everyone's head that the wedding day is all about the bride, so men back off when it comes to planning. The truth is the wedding day should be a combination of things you and he both love. Ask him on what kind would be important to him. Like is there a certain dessert item that he would love to have. Start talking to him about songs, especially your first dance song. Sorry to read that your girls weekend didn't work out the way you were hoping it would. All you can do now is move and continue planning. If you don't want to add guests your mom wants to add, if she is helping to pay for it you need to give her a legitmate reason like, with the budget you provided, we can only afford xx number of guests, or the venue will only hold xx number of guests. Heck that reason works too even if you are paying for it all yourselfs.

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