Two weddings

andiexo25 · August 2014

My fiancé and I have been engaged for seven months. We're getting married in June 2016 (long engagement, I know, but we wanted to wait until he finished school). We have our big things booked already (ceremony and reception venue, photographer, etc.) so there is no moving my date for risk of losing those deposits. My cousin recently got engaged and has set her wedding date to be three weeks before mine. They both have children, so they have to work around their schedules. She has asked one of our cousins who lives out of state to be a BM, and we have other family members who live out of town, probably making them choose which wedding to go to. I know we each get one day, but I feel like she's kind of stealing my thunder. I am trying so hard not to let it get to me, but in a way I feel like it's taking away some of the excitement of my own wedding. Not to mention, it feels like a social media war between the two of us to the point where I want to delete everything. I don't want this to be a competition for the next 22 months and I really am happy for her....do I tell her how I feel? Have any of you been in this situation? I don't want to make her mad or feel bad but I feel like I need to put it out there...thoughts??

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

andiexo25 said:

So I'm having a hard time dealing with this and I'd like some opinions please!
My fiancé and I have been engaged for seven months. We're getting married in June 2016 (long engagement, I know, but we wanted to wait until he finished school). We have our big things booked already (ceremony and reception venue, photographer, etc.) so there is no moving my date for risk of losing those deposits. My cousin recently got engaged and has set her wedding date to be three weeks before mine. They both have children, so they have to work around their schedules. She has asked one of our cousins who lives out of state to be a BM, and we have other family members who live out of town, probably making them choose which wedding to go to. I know we each get one day, but I feel like she's kind of stealing my thunder. I am trying so hard not to let it get to me, but in a way I feel like it's taking away some of the excitement of my own wedding. Not to mention, it feels like a social media war between the two of us to the point where I want to delete everything. I don't want this to be a competition for the next 22 months and I really am happy for her....do I tell her how I feel or just suck it up and deal with it? Have any of you been in this situation? I don't want to make her mad or feel bad but I feel like I need to put it out there...thoughts??

Stop the social media nonsense to begin with. Keep your wedding off facebook, you will be better for it in the long run. Also, your cousin was fine to pick 3 weeks before you. You only get one day, not the whole month. Is it annoying? Yes, but there is nothing you can do about it now. Get your STDs now and mail them ASAP. Give your OOT guests the chance to save up to attend both weddings if they can or choose your wedding since you sent a STD first.

climbingsingle · August 2014

andiexo25 said:

So I'm having a hard time dealing with this and I'd like some opinions please!
My fiancé and I have been engaged for seven months. We're getting married in June 2016 (long engagement, I know, but we wanted to wait until he finished school). We have our big things booked already (ceremony and reception venue, photographer, etc.) so there is no moving my date for risk of losing those deposits. My cousin recently got engaged and has set her wedding date to be three weeks before mine. They both have children, so they have to work around their schedules. She has asked one of our cousins who lives out of state to be a BM, and we have other family members who live out of town, probably making them choose which wedding to go to. I know we each get one day, but I feel like she's kind of stealing my thunder. I am trying so hard not to let it get to me, but in a way I feel like it's taking away some of the excitement of my own wedding. Not to mention, it feels like a social media war between the two of us to the point where I want to delete everything. I don't want this to be a competition for the next 22 months and I really am happy for her....do I tell her how I feel or just suck it up and deal with it? Have any of you been in this situation? I don't want to make her mad or feel bad but I feel like I need to put it out there...thoughts??

First things first - STOP posting on social media about your wedding. That is tacky, unless you plan on inviting all of your Facebook friends.

My cousin is getting married exactly 3 week before me. And I couldn't be happier for her. She's not stealing my thunder. There's no such thing. My family is happy and excited for both of our weddings. And it's been fun sharing this experience with her. You need to get over this.

landa10315 · August 2014

Why is it a social media war? What are you posting on Facebook about your wedding? I would get off Facebook, and continue planning as if your cousin wasn't also planning. Or, better yet, enjoy the process TOGETHER! It could be awesome to plan a wedding right with someone you know.

Liatris2010 · August 2014

So I agree that you only get one day, but if it bothers you that much, move your date. This far out I would bet the vendors have lots of dates available and would re-book you. The deposit is so they keep your money, not so much because they want you locked into your 2016 date.

Senecaf · August 2014

My cousin just got married 1.5 weeks ago. I'm getting married 1.5 weeks from now. So 3 weeks apart. In different states. Just be happy for her. My only concern was that she FBooked everytging and I didn't so our mutual guests knew her date way before mine. I was afraid rveryone wpuld be annoyed with me for pickibg a date so soon after hers inconvinecing them with so much travel. I had picked first just not announced it like that. If they are annoyed they have not mentioned it and most managed to attend hers and have RSVP'd yes to mine. I only have one aunt that said since she couldn't attend both she would attend neither.

Relax a little. You and her will likely have very different events and people will still be happy and excited for you!

Senecaf · August 2014

Are you in the same city? Are a lot of your guests local? If so I think that makes it less of an issue. People love weddings! Sure some will have to make a decision on which to attend, but that doesn't mean they won't be happy for you all the same.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

She is stealing your thunder. You should fork her yard and start sending her blackmail to change her wedding date....OR ELSE!!!!!

Just kidding. You have two choices here:

1) Change your date and lose the deposits - it's so far out you might be able to talk the venue into refunding them..

2) Keep your date and decide what kind of attitude you want to have for the duration of your engagement.

Your attitude is in your control. You can choose to focus on some invisible "competition" or just go about your planning as normal and pretend your cousin doesn't exist. Talk to your VIPs verbally about your date and then forget about it.

JaxInBlue · August 2014

Agree with PPs. Don't exhaust yourself trying to one-up everything or being concerned about how your wedding and hers will compare. Because you two are different, and your relationships are different, your weddings will be different.

Get off social media, don't worry about Pinterest (hers or yours). Double check with your VIPs about the date. Send your Save the Dates at the earlier part of the timeline. Then, if it really is still bothering you that your weddings are so close, move yours. At 22 months, I'd image there's a way to renegotiate dates with your vendors.

andiexo25 · August 2014

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate it! Just to comment on the social media topic, I haven't posted much on Facebook (just announcing our engagement, posted pictures from our engagement party with friends and announced our wedding party). That's really it. She's posting almost every day and after every time I post something (I'm probably reading too much into it so you don't need to tell me that). I don't blame her for posting all the time, we're both excited. But I may just take some advice and delete my social media accounts all together. I've made my Pinterest boards private and she actually did the same so that's not an issue.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm not happy for her, because I am. She found a great guy who treats her very well and she deserves that. I guess I'm just shocked that even though there is so much time between now and our weddings that she picked that date. Once the initial shock wears off, it will be all down hill from there! haha. And I don't doubt that our family is excited for both weddings. After all, it's only a quarter of my guest list. Let's just hope we don't wear the same dress!

Bubblegum5586 · August 2014

andiexo25 said:

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate it! Just to comment on the social media topic, I haven't posted much on Facebook (just announcing our engagement, posted pictures from our engagement party with friends and announced our wedding party). That's really it. She's posting almost every day and after every time I post something (I'm probably reading too much into it so you don't need to tell me that). I don't blame her for posting all the time, we're both excited. But I may just take some advice and delete my social media accounts all together. I've made my Pinterest boards private and she actually did the same so that's not an issue.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm not happy for her, because I am. She found a great guy who treats her very well and she deserves that. I guess I'm just shocked that even though there is so much time between now and our weddings that she picked that date. Once the initial shock wears off, it will be all down hill from there! haha. And I don't doubt that our family is excited for both weddings. After all, it's only a quarter of my guest list. Let's just hope we don't wear the same dress!

**********SIB***************

Ugh I hate FB because it turns me into a crazy person!!! After me and SIL hit a rough patch she stopped "liking"anything of mine on FB. All these posts come up of her liking all these random things from other people but never from me. Now how CRAZY do I sound?!?!!? Of course I have never said this out loud but want to tell you how I understand that FB can take situations and make them SO. MUCH. WORSE.

As far as family picking dates close to each other, that tends to just happen, but I find it's more common when it's sooner vs later. Having your date so far out, it does seem strange that it ended up being only 3 weeks before. I personally don't know anyone with a 2016 date so it's interesting that 2 people from your family has picked that. But as other posters have said your options are accepting it and moving on, or moving your date.

I had a cousin 6 weeks before mine and she picked similar colors and a similar dress so I was less then thrilled.... but 6 weeks ended up being a VERY LONG TIME. Plus while I did royal she did navy, and while our dresses were VERY similar we are built completely different so you couldn't even tell!

So as a bride that had hit a few crazy patches myself and over thinking things. Looking back.... none of it mattered! Our day was amazing, I am married to the love of my life and I have fantastic memories of that day!

Good luck in planning and enjoy every minute, don't let drama get in the way!

rsbloom · August 2014

Does your family know your wedding date yet? You haven't mentioned telling your VIPs, so I doubt your cousin did this on purpose. Like a PP said, get your STDs out, or at least let family know about the dates, if they have to travel. And don't post details about your wedding on Facebook or SM, she may be trying to one up you, so just don't fuel her. man these comment boxes suck

iloveotters2014 · August 2014

My H's cousin had their wedding two weeks after ours in another state. (like not in a state nearby...like a 14 hour drive). We made it to theirs and they made it to ours. In fact 90% of that side of his family made it to our wedding and made it to their wedding. You are both giving people PLENTY of time to figure it out. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

andiexo25 · August 2014

I sent out my wedding website around the time she got engaged to serve as a pre-save the date so to speak, so she had already known my wedding date. I plan on mailing out STDs next June-ish.

iloveotters2014 · August 2014

andiexo25 said:

I sent out my wedding website around the time she got engaged to serve as a pre-save the date so to speak, so she had already known my wedding date. I plan on mailing out STDs next June-ish.

STD's really shouldn't go out a year before unless i suppose you have a ton of people out of the country. 6 months before is the norm.

andiexo25 · August 2014

There is a function to email the link to your wedding website to a contact list, so I used that. And thanks for the advice @iloveotters2014..

Couggal12 · August 2014

You control how YOU feel about your wedding. If you allow yourself to feel inferior about your wedding compared to your cousin's wedding then that's on you. In the end you get your day and your cousin gets their day. Concentrate on your own date and worry about your own details and making your own decisions. Allow your friends and family to know about your date ASAP as PP have mentioned so they can make accommodations to attend your wedding.

Don't post stuff on social media websites if you can help it. I've completely avoided posting anything about my wedding and it's been amazingly refreshing and stress free, trust me! With as much time as you have until your wedding you will love not having to worry about the little things.

MollyandD · August 2014

A friend got married 5 days after I did this year. I enjoyed having someone to gush about wedding stuff with. She sent me pictures of her centerpieces and decorations, we both shared our dress pics and chapel websites. With other people, I worried that talking about the wedding too much would be annoying. It was great to have someone I could talk to without having that worry, because we both disgusted that we were in "wedding mode" and loved to talk about it.

We did have many of the same guests, which caused problems for people traveling out of state. A lot of them didn't make it to mine, because they couldn't take the extra time off work and go to both. My friend scheduled her wedding right before a music festival, because she knew most friends would be in town for that anyway.

I know it can be frustrating to see all this stuff on Facebook, but I do think you're reading too much into it. I doubt she is sitting there waiting to post things about her wedding right after you post. But maybe she is, I don't know.

I also think you made a mistake by choosing your wedding party two years before the wedding, but that's already done. My opinion doesn't really matter at this point.

andiexo25 · August 2014

Molly&Domenic , I'm just curious why you think it's a mistake choosing my wedding party. Just to put it out there that most of them are family.

MollyandD · August 2014

I think it was a mistake, because relationships may change a lot in that time. I'm really glad I didn't choose my bridesmaids two years before the wedding. There is one girl that I used to hang out with a lot back then, but she turned out to not be a nice person and was quick to be a jerk to me and many other friends. She didn't even get an invitation to the wedding, and we no longer speak. I'm so glad I didn't have her in my bridal party.

Couggal12 · August 2014

andiexo25 said:

Molly&Domenic , I'm just curious why you think it's a mistake choosing my wedding party. Just to put it out there that most of them are family.

A lot can happen between now and in 22 months. Even with family. I had a 17 month engagement and chose my wedding party 13 months out which even I kind of think was too early. I'm still friends with my girls, but in a year a lot has changed. I know you don't think it will but, it can and it has happened to many people on TK. Read through posts here and you will see we are not mistaken.

ETA: grammar/spelling

climbingsingle · August 2014

I also agree that you shouldn't have picked your bridal party yet. A lot can change in two years.

andiexo25 · August 2014

A lot can change, yes but a lot can also change for the better. I asked for one person's opinion. No one knows my family dynamic with the girls that I picked...and I am happy that I am already involving them in my wedding process. So no need to dwell on what's already done.

steph861 · August 2014

Even if nothing changes in your relationship with your family members, you might become better friends with somebody and decide that you'd rather have them as your BM/MOH.

andiexo25 · August 2014

I'm happy with my decisions and I'm going to leave it at that. That's not what I came here for advice on. Thanks

gladyscf · August 2014

Just to add to the FB issue: A friend of mine from high school is getting married and has posted lots of wedding updates. Over the weekend she posted that she needs "EVERYONE TO SEND IN THOSE RSVP'S!!!!!!!" Of course, she received a few comments saying "I would, but I haven't received an invitation." And, "we aren't invited." Reading her further posts explaining how she had to cut the line somewhere of who to invite and who they couldn't was rather painful.

lennonkdc · August 2014

I'm having an 24 month engagement and I my MOH is my sister and I wish had had waited longer to pick my party. I'd still have the same people but I would have had a different MOH. My relationship with my sister has changed so much in 2 years.

Case in point, when she and her FI got engaged my FI and were just getting ready to set a date. Sis and I agreed to try to work together so as not to overwhelm our parents or family. We found a venue and before we signed checked with VIP's, before we signed I get a message from her that they signed a contract for a place the week before our 'date'. Fine, we moved our wedding back 3.5 months, checked again with VIPs and were all set. A month before her her wedding (May 30, 2014) she cancels it. No reason given, just canceled. She and her FI stay together, no big issues, just didn't want to get married then. So in July she resets the date, 3 weeks before my wedding (her location- our parents house.) Now all she does is complain about how its so stressful for her that our weddings are so close together.

After all this, I maintain the you get one day, What my sister is doing does not take away from my wedding. I'm not saying its fair, and its ok to be a little bit sad if family can't make both, but in the grand scheme of a life time, its not the end of the world. You will have a great wedding and so will your cousin and everything will be ok!

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