Sent Save the Date, considering not inviting... help meee

jaime232 · August 2014

Hey there,

Okay so here's the dealio. My fiance worked with this guy we'll call Mike. We were friends with Mike and his wife (beyond just the regular work friendships--we'd taken long weekends away with them and some other friends, hung out on weekends, went to dinners, etc, for a few years). Mike quit the job, and it's like Mike and wife fell off the face of the earth, except for some Facebook posts. They ignored any texts we sent, asking them to hang out. They also ignored the texts our mutual friends sent, asking them to hang out. It's like they sort of purposely alienated this specific group of friends. We haven't seen them since February. Save the Dates went out in April, wedding is in November. I sent the STDs (I still hate using that abbreviation LOL.. but whatever) without realizing the full scope of just how "cut out" we were from their lives. Now, I know that if we invite them and IF they say yes (which I sort of doubt, which would solve the problem by itself) and come to our wedding, there's about a 99% chance that we won't see them again after that, which I can't say about any of our other wedding guests. Frankly, I don't really care to see them and go through all the niceties, knowing that they probably aren't sincere on either end.

So, I know etiquette says that if you send a STD, you have to send a wedding invite, but are there exceptions to this?

JCbride2015 · August 2014

jaime232 said:

Hey there,

Okay so here's the dealio. My fiance worked with this guy we'll call Mike. We were friends with Mike and his wife (beyond just the regular work friendships--we'd taken long weekends away with them and some other friends, hung out on weekends, went to dinners, etc, for a few years). Mike quit the job, and it's like Mike and wife fell off the face of the earth, except for some Facebook posts. They ignored any texts we sent, asking them to hang out. They also ignored the texts our mutual friends sent, asking them to hang out. It's like they sort of purposely alienated this specific group of friends. We haven't seen them since February. Save the Dates went out in April, wedding is in November. I sent the STDs (I still hate using that abbreviation LOL.. but whatever) without realizing the full scope of just how "cut out" we were from their lives. Now, I know that if we invite them and IF they say yes (which I sort of doubt, which would solve the problem by itself) and come to our wedding, there's about a 99% chance that we won't see them again after that, which I can't say about any of our other wedding guests. Frankly, I don't really care to see them and go through all the niceties, knowing that they probably aren't sincere on either end.

So, I know etiquette says that if you send a STD, you have to send a wedding invite, but are there exceptions to this?

Nope, you are not an exception. Send the invite. If they are purposely cutting you off, they won't come. If they come, maybe it's an opportunity to reconnect.

I guess an exception might if Mike started murdering people with an axe or physically attacked you or your Fi. Nonresponsiveness isn't enough of a reason to uninvite them.

jaime232 · August 2014

Dang it. I knew I shouldn't have sent that save the date LOL.

JaxInBlue · August 2014

You're right that the good etiquette thing to do is to send the wedding invite. Additionally, sending them the invite puts the decision in their hands. If they decline, the friendship continues to be dominated by radio silence on their end, you feel comfortable in the decision to let the relationship wan.

Not sending an invitation could be seen as a friendship ending move on your part (you + FI). I would only consider that if you are absolutely certain there is nothing else going on (for example, change in health or emotional circumstances, change in finances, etc. - anything that they would want to be discrete about and chose to do that by isolating themselves) AND you are comfortable being the ones to end the friendship AND if your FI is comfortable with any potential professional ramifications down the road. Might he and Mike cross paths in their work? Would he need to call on Mike in a professional capacity where it might be awkward?

In your place, I would opt to send the invite and let them make the decision. If they come, perhaps it's an opening to reassess your friendship; if they don't come, you aren't out more than postage and you know where the friendship stands in their minds.

RebeccaFlower · August 2014

Yeah, you're stuck. It sucks but sounds like he probably won't show anyway.

manateehugger · August 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

Yeah, you're stuck. It sucks but sounds like he probably won't show anyway.

This.

AddieCake · August 2014

Just invite them.

jaime232 · August 2014

Yeah that's what I was thinking, it would definitely be a "okay we're done here" kind of message if we didn't send the invite (assuming they were actually expecting to receive it). It was just a pretty sudden and severe drop in communication, so it is frustrating and actually kind of hurtful. At this point, if they don't show I'm cool with it, but I'll do the right thing still.

My fiance is much nicer than I am. There isn't much of a chance their paths will cross professionally, but he was friends with this guy before they worked together, so I guess it makes sense he'd want to be a little nicer.

mysticl · August 2014

jaime232 said:

Yeah that's what I was thinking, it would definitely be a "okay we're done here" kind of message if we didn't send the invite (assuming they were actually expecting to receive it). It was just a pretty sudden and severe drop in communication, so it is frustrating and actually kind of hurtful. At this point, if they don't show I'm cool with it, but I'll do the right thing still.

My fiance is much nicer than I am. There isn't much of a chance their paths will cross professionally, but he was friends with this guy before they worked together, so I guess it makes sense he'd want to be a little nicer.

That sounds like something significant happened. Also, there might be more to his quitting the job than either you or your FI are aware of. So that may make it awkward for Mike to have contact with you.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

mysticl said:

jaime232 said:

Yeah that's what I was thinking, it would definitely be a "okay we're done here" kind of message if we didn't send the invite (assuming they were actually expecting to receive it). It was just a pretty sudden and severe drop in communication, so it is frustrating and actually kind of hurtful. At this point, if they don't show I'm cool with it, but I'll do the right thing still.

My fiance is much nicer than I am. There isn't much of a chance their paths will cross professionally, but he was friends with this guy before they worked together, so I guess it makes sense he'd want to be a little nicer.

That sounds like something significant happened. Also, there might be more to his quitting the job than either you or your FI are aware of. So that may make it awkward for Mike to have contact with you.

This was my hunch too.

Sounds pretty unlikely that they'll come, but if they DO come you should try to look at it as a good faith gesture in restoring the friendship, rather than "great, this is the last time we'll see these jokers."

climbingsingle · August 2014

Invite them. It sounds like they probably won't show up, so it's a win-win. Not inviting them would make you and your FI sort of look like douches.

jacques27 · August 2014

1. Not directed at OP, but maybe for lurkers...crikey, here's yet another example of why I hate save the dates except for those that need to travel by plane to get to the wedding or if the wedding is on a holiday weekend. The 6-8 weeks lead time on invites is usually more than enough time for most people that you don't need to call dibs on the date. It's just an added expense, and like picking your wedding party too early can lead to regrets when relationships change.

2. I'm not saying that it's fair that they dropped off the earth and you certainly did make attempts to connect, but also remember that since you haven't had contact, you really don't know what's going on in their lives. It's best not to make assumptions. Maybe they are having marital or other family problems. Maybe someone is dealing with depression. Maybe one of them or a family member such as an aging parent is dealing with a health issue. Maybe they are having financial difficulties. Don't take Facebook as a sign that their lives are hunky dory and they're just ignoring you. Often times, for people with depression or just with difficulties going on in their lives, they use the internet for escape and they'll only post about the good things going on in their lives, either for escapism or to try to keep up appearances.

You'll almost never regret being a kind person and simply extending an invite in a good faith effort of friendship, but I'll bet you will regret not doing it if there ever is a time you reconnect and you find out why they might have dropped off the planet.

jaime232 · August 2014

jacques27 said:

1. Not directed at OP, but maybe for lurkers...crikey, here's yet another example of why I hate save the dates except for those that need to travel by plane to get to the wedding or if the wedding is on a holiday weekend. The 6-8 weeks lead time on invites is usually more than enough time for most people that you don't need to call dibs on the date. It's just an added expense, and like picking your wedding party too early can lead to regrets when relationships change.

This is such a good point. If I had to do it again, I might just reserve the save the dates for the out-of-towners and possibly our crazy friends who travel like 45 weekends out of the year (it's almost impossible to make plans with them sometimes). Also agree about the bridal party!

Aray82 · August 2014

FWIW, here's how it might make them feel it they didn't get an invite after a std. My FI got a std to his college friend's wedding with whom he is no longer in touch with as regularly. He was still pumped when we got the std and we made travel plans to go based on the website. Then come a month before the wedding, no invitation had come so FI sent him an email. No apology, no actual invite mailed just "oh yeah, here's the info". Because of this and because the tables were all crammed pretty tight, FI wonders if they'd changed their minds on inviting us when they saw they'd be overcapacity and that's why we didn't get an official invitation until he asked for it. It's been over a year and he STILL brings it up and feels bad, wondering if we behaved like crashers just by asking about the official invitations. Unless something axe-murdery is in place, like JCBride2015 gave as an example, please don't risk your guests feeling like this.

Sent Save the Date, considering not inviting... help meee

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