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Coworker Invites, tricky situation

charlottesmom0626charlottesmom0626 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I've read through some old threads but I'd like some advice on this situation.

My department is technically 10 people, including myself and my immediate boss.
Of these 9, I'm completely happy to invite 7 to my wedding.

One woman is  technically in our department but she has a different job/title/position and doesn't work within our office, or with us at all on a daily basis. I feel that following the "all or none" rule of a small office, I would extend an invitation to her without blinking an eye.

However, there's the last one. This coworker and I briefly dated years ago before I was hired. The relationship wasn't serious and ended with no hard-feelings (or so I thought) when we realized we would be working together. However, we have since grown apart and any sort of friendship/coworker-relationship we once had has broken down. Our coworkers don't know we dated, but do know we aren't friends (or even friendly), but we are professional at work. 

I'm unsure of what to do about this person. I don't want to single him out, but I really don't want him to attend my wedding. I also realize this means I would be inviting 10 out of 11 people in my department...can I break this rule for this situation? I am mailing the invites to my coworker's home addresses, and I haven't discussed wedding planning/details in the office.

I highly doubt he would come to my wedding, but I also understand that if I send an invitation he has the option to attend..

TIA
 
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Re: Coworker Invites, tricky situation

  • jerkyannejerkyanne member
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Invite who you want. Chances are if your coworkers know you don't get along with him, even if the don't know the reason, they'll be smart enough to not mention being invited to him. Same thing with the other lady. If she doesn't work with you all daily, it probably won't come up. You're inviting via home address so there's less chance of offending the uninvited.
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  • pearlsofsteelpearlsofsteel member
    100 Love Its 10 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    If you two dated, I doubt he's even expecting an invite. A lot of people believe it is bad luck to have an ex at the wedding, you could always play that up if it becomes a problem.

    Invite who you'd like.
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  • Marzipan13Marzipan13 member
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    I had a similar situation, OP (minus dating a coworker).  My office is 20 people large, only 15 of which I work with on a semi-daily basis.  I'm only inviting 3 of them and their spouses.  They can be kind of catty, and although I might get some stink-eye at work, I figured I don't want those kind of people at my wedding anyway (not to mention, I barely know them). 

    Others have said it, and I agree - invite who you want, and bean-dip anyone who tries to talk wedding with you at work.  
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  • mrsmagicgeekmrsmagicgeek member
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    edited August 2014
    From the other side of the page, though, I was the only coworker in a small office that was not invited to a wedding. (No past dating history in this case though) I can tell you it hurt, and it sucked.

    Edit to add: I probably would not have gone for various reasons, but I would have declined properly and sent a card/gift if I decided not to go.
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    foundmymagicgeek said:
    From the other side of the page, though, I was the only coworker in a small office that was not invited to a wedding. (No past dating history in this case though) I can tell you it hurt, and it sucked.
    I'm in the don't exclude camp too.  As you said, it's unlikely he'd say yes, since this is 1-2 people, I'd err on the side of being the bigger person.  Inviting him will prevent drama, and not inviting him might invite nosy (though inappropriate) questions or create an issue where none exists. Especially since you are leaning toward inviting #8 in the interests of good office relationships.
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  • charlottesmom0626charlottesmom0626 member
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    @JaxInBlue I was also slightly concerned about offending him BY sending an invite..as if "I know we dated and now I'm gloating about my wedding" sort of thing..I'm not sure.


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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    @charlottesmom0626 If you only dated briefly, and it ended on relatively good terms, I'd guess that it wouldn't be seen as gloating.  Certainly he's moved on from your relationship as well.  Ultimately it's on you to decide which would be better, but I think letting him make the choice is better, and you do that by extending the invite to him.
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  • lotsosandwicheslotsosandwiches member
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    Is there anyone else you can cut so that he isn't the only one you're not inviting? I didn't have room to invite my whole department, so I ended up making the cut along gender lines and invited all the women in my department. Weird, I know, but we all get together for a ladies-only book club, so that's how I justified it to myself. Oh, it's not that I'm inviting only half of my work group, it's that I'm inviting my entire book club! Or something.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I totally don't like the idea of inviting 10 of 11 people you work with.  Yes, you have reasons, but not everybody knows or needs to know the reasons.  And you don't know that they won't talk about your wedding when you're not around (even though you bean dip when you are around.)  I'd maybe only invite 3 or 4 of your coworkers and be in the clear.  Or just don't invite any of them.  Don't you see them enough?
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  • jerkyannejerkyanne member
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    I think I'd be more worried about offending my fiance by inviting an ex, than offending a coworker/ex because he's the only one not invited.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    jerkyanne said:
    I think I'd be more worried about offending my fiance by inviting an ex, than offending a coworker/ex because he's the only one not invited.
    Yes, but there is a third option.  Offend nobody by inviting fewer or zero co-workers.
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  • charlottesmom0626charlottesmom0626 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Hey all: @jerkyanne‌ : sorry I should have mentioned I already talked to FI about it, he knows my job/department situation and suggested to just do "what seems right" To everyone else: It's a strange dynamic...I work with these people approx 45-50 hours a week (actively, we don't have desk jobs) so we have a weird love/hate relationship....I spend, what feels like, all of my time with these people and they are a huge part of my daily life. I've been to two of their weddings, and another is getting married a month after me (he's inviting everyone I believe). I never imagined not inviting any of them, I just wasn't sure about the two I mentioned in the OP. I guess I'll bite the bullet and ask for his home address. Perhaps if he doesn't wan to share it, that's my answer. Edit: this did have paragraphs but TK keeps eating them :(
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2014
    Based on what you have said, I would exclude the 2 people you are unsure of.

    Yeah, it might be a little weird to invite 7 of 9 people, but it's not technically rude. People don't get automatic invites just because you are inviting other people in your department. 

    Don't forget to invite their significant others as well.
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  • lavenderfields13lavenderfields13 member
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    huskypuppy14 said:
    Based on what you have said, I would exclude the 2 people you are unsure of.

    Yeah, it might be a little weird to invite 7 of 9 people, but it's not technically rude. People don't get automatic invites just because you are inviting other people in your department. 

    Don't forget to invite their significant others as well.
    I think this might be the best option since you're also not close with the other woman you mentioned. I get where people are coming from saying to not leave out just him..but if you don't even like him I think it would be weird to invite him to your wedding. This IS a tricky situation!
     




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  • steph861steph861 member
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    Yeah, there's no easy answer. If it were me, I would invite the ones I hang out with outside of work and no more. However, it sounds like you're close to nearly all of your coworkers.

    If you have the room in your budget and venue, I'd say invite them all. If it's going to stretch you, I don't think I'd invite any coworkers.
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  • danamwdanamw member
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    Since you are sending the invitations to the homes, invite who you want. This has happened to me in work, and I realized that I was not as close with the bride at work as other workers were, and it didn't faze me. I certainly didn't feel like it was "all or nothing".

    Those who attend will I hope, have the tact not to re-live the wedding in front of the ones who were not invited. But you may be on your honeymoon, and won't see it.

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