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HELP! I want to divorce my best friend.

JulietlysmmJulietlysmm member
in Snarky Brides
My best friend and I are both engaged! . Her wedding is soon, but mine is still a year away. Ever since she got engaged, EVERYTHiNG she talks about is wedding related. I absolutely understand the excitement, since I am engaged, myself..but when she doesn't even text me to ask about my day, or about me, or even MY wedding, I feel frustrated and not valued. We have talked about it a little before, but her excuse is that she is just really ready to be married, and after she gets married, she will be a better friend. I truly feel like she doesn't know me anymore, not does she care to. She just constantly updates me on her wedding. I don't think I am being selfish to want my friend to ask about me sometimes. I have a few close friends who are single/in relationships and we all chit chat back and fourth about life. With my "best friend" though, it's just about her. She says she considers me her best friend, but I definitely do not consider her mine. Bottom line question. Can I end this friendship? I am in her wedding, and she is in mine. Thanks. Let me know if you want more details/background of our friendship!
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Re: HELP! I want to divorce my best friend.

  • NymeruNymeru member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    It sounds like you weren't really that good of friends to start with if you're willing to get rid of her at this juncture.  At the very least, get through her wedding and see if things go back to normal.  The time leading up to a wedding can be nuts, and everyone is guilty of getting wedding tunnel-vision to an extent.  Just wait until your wedding is closer.  Your friends might feel the same way about you.  Or not.  Maybe you'll be much mellower.  Either way, true friends are there for each other even when the going gets tough.  If, after all the dust settles from her wedding, she still is self-absorbed and shows no interest in you or your life, have a serious heart-to-heart and then make your choice.
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  • gingerbride82gingerbride82 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    why wouldn't you just have a conversation with her about how you feel first? I'm so confused by people who are so willing to just end relationships because they don't feel it's benefiting THEM.  If you and your fiance hit a rough patch, are you just going to break up/divorce?  Did she used to text you prior to wedding planning and ask "how your day was"?   

    Personally speaking, I know my bf and I have never just randomly asked "how was your day" to each other...  our conversations/texts are quite random. They go from "hey what do you think about these shoes?" to.. "LISTEN TO WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY"  and there might be 3 day gap between responses, because of life.  

    Invite her to lunch/dinner, tell her you want to take a break from wedding planning/talk and just have a catch up session..like old times..  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    This comes off as extremely childish. When adults are having a problem/issue/concern with a friend, they talk to them directly about it. What they don't do it just decide to end the friendship over something as silly as this. 
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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Have you tried just...changing the subject?

    She says "I just ordered my wedding flowers!" and you say "Oh, that's great! They're the venus fly traps we talked about right? Oh I can't wait to see them! So in other news, a giant squid came into work today and he wanted to buy a plane! Can you believe that! We don't even sell planes!" and when she says "Well about my wedding flowers, I'm going to lime green ribbon around the stems", then you can say "That'll look nice, but I want to tell you about this giant plane flying squid that came into my work today" and then launch into said story. 

    Honestly, I've been talking about my wedding a lot to my friends without even realizing it. But they don't "divorce" me, we don't even have serious heart to hearts about it. They're just like "That's great, but in news that isn't your wedding, blah, blah, blah" and we move on. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I have you tried saying to her "I know you are excited for your wedding and I am excited for you but could we talk about something else?" She really may not even know what she is doing.

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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
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    I feel bad for your friend! You started off your post calling her your best friend and then you ended it with that you don't consider her to be your best friend. So which is it?

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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I was a bridesmaid for a friend who was wedding OBSESSED - she was one of those brides all over her Facebook. 

    She texted me constantly, asked questions, showed pictures. Eventually I just started asking her about other stuff that could relate to BOTH our lives, "Pretty bouquet! Oh, and so I had a question - how do you and your FI handle paying when you go out to dinner since your accounts are still separate? My FI and I went out the other day to ABC restaurant - soo good - and had this super awkward moment when the check came." 

    If that doesn't work, just have a come to Jesus talk with her about how you love her, but you can't handle the wedding talk anymore. 

    Some people start forgetting they are a human being first, bride second. Weddings make people do the wacky. It would be really sad to end a friendship over this. 
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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
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    rooz103 said:
    MagicInk said:
    Have you tried just...changing the subject?

    She says "I just ordered my wedding flowers!" and you say "Oh, that's great! They're the venus fly traps we talked about right? Oh I can't wait to see them! So in other news, a giant squid came into work today and he wanted to buy a plane! Can you believe that! We don't even sell planes!" and when she says "Well about my wedding flowers, I'm going to lime green ribbon around the stems", then you can say "That'll look nice, but I want to tell you about this giant plane flying squid that came into my work today" and then launch into said story. 

    Honestly, I've been talking about my wedding a lot to my friends without even realizing it. But they don't "divorce" me, we don't even have serious heart to hearts about it. They're just like "That's great, but in news that isn't your wedding, blah, blah, blah" and we move on. 
    ...I would like to hear the story about the giant squid and why you assume he is the pilot...
    You know I'm saying giant squid, but I'm actually picturing a platypus. So maybe the squid is just buying the plane for the platypus to fly for him. I think they're secret agents but are being wrongly pursued by the FBI (or CIA, something like that) and they have to solve the case to prove their innocence. 
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  • rooz103rooz103 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Haha! I love it. I'm not trying to disregard the good advice you gave to the OP, but all I could think was "giant squid is too big--how is it supposed to fit into the cockpit?" This is what happens to my brain in the morning. 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Nymeru said:
    It sounds like you weren't really that good of friends to start with if you're willing to get rid of her at this juncture.  At the very least, get through her wedding and see if things go back to normal.  The time leading up to a wedding can be nuts, and everyone is guilty of getting wedding tunnel-vision to an extent.  Just wait until your wedding is closer.  Your friends might feel the same way about you.  Or not.  Maybe you'll be much mellower.  Either way, true friends are there for each other even when the going gets tough.  If, after all the dust settles from her wedding, she still is self-absorbed and shows no interest in you or your life, have a serious heart-to-heart and then make your choice.
    This. The fact that she is being a little self-obsessed right now is not enough to throw away a friendship forever, especially if it's a REAL friendship.
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  • Marzipan13Marzipan13 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Since your wedding is still a year away, OP, you may have a clearer headspace than she does.  Her head is jam-fucking-packed with wedding shit; you'll know what I'm talking about (and what your friend is feeling) when you're only a handful of months away yourself.  It occupies quite a bit of your time, energy, and thoughts - this is not a friendship-ending thing, however.  (unless of course she burns your house down and turns all your friends against you in the process.)

    Side note, the title of this thread sounded like you were trying to get divorced, like, from your husband.  A little misleading.
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  • abbyj700abbyj700 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Why is this a friendship ending move? She's excited about her wedding - plenty of women get that way. Her wedding is soon - she should be excited. And if she's your best friend, I'm sure she's excited for you too. BUT she's not going to be as excited for your wedding as she is her own. That's just how people work. AND you have a year after her wedding to be the only bride to be - so let her have some time of excitement. 

    As PP's have said - you need to talk to her, and be a better friend in general.
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You're ending your relationship with your best friend simply because she wants to talk about her wedding which is this year? And you're mad because your wedding is after hers and you don't get your special talk-about-ME time?

    As soon as her wedding is over she will be asking you to divulge on every little detail of YOUR wedding plans. Let her have this moment in the months leading up to her wedding, and then your special time will come too.
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
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    Marzipan13 said:
    Since your wedding is still a year away, OP, you may have a clearer headspace than she does.  Her head is jam-fucking-packed with wedding shit; you'll know what I'm talking about (and what your friend is feeling) when you're only a handful of months away yourself.  It occupies quite a bit of your time, energy, and thoughts - this is not a friendship-ending thing, however.  (unless of course she burns your house down and turns all your friends against you in the process.)

    Side note, the title of this thread sounded like you were trying to get divorced, like, from your husband.  A little misleading.
    I thought the same thing! And even the first sentence "My best friend and I are engaged" I thought OP was referring to her fiance.
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  • jakeiafjakeiaf member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I talk to my best friend who is also my maid of honor every day and all we talk about is my wedding. Partially because I'm really excited. Partially because she's really excited. However I do make it my business to ask about her life and see how she's doing. Wedding planning is an exciting time and it does kind of consume your life at times. Maybe you could talk about things other than wedding stuff because I know I need to. I don't think you should divorce her. Sometimes all it takes is for you to speak up and she will realize how you feel and hopefully try to change. If my best friend told me she was sick of talking about weddings I would cease all conversations about wedding unless she initiated it or it was something she needed to know. Friendships are way more important than wedding talk. Think about how much you value your friendship.



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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I await with bated breath the post one year from now (assuming such self-awareness from OP is possible):

    "I'm so busy with wedding planning and now all my bridesmaids are mad at me because all I talk about is the wedding.  And a year ago I kicked my friend to the curb because she always talked about her wedding and now I totally, finally get it and feel so bad that I wasn't more understanding.  How do I get my friend back?"

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  • OnceUponSnowOnceUponSnow member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I will disagree with many PPs. I think sometimes, life events show people's true colors. It took me years to realize how selfish one of my friends was, and that she always found a way to divert the conversation in order to make it all about herself. We had been friends since childhood. A few years ago, I won a prestigious grant based on my academics. This is what allowed me to attend graduate school (I couldn't afford for it otherwise). When she called me a few days after to suggest we go take a walk and have a chat, I was eager to share the good news to her. We were both straight-As students and very devoted to our academics (although in different fields), so I thought this was the kind of news that would genuinely interest her. We had a 2-hour long walk, but she kept on talking about herself, her life, her achievements all along. I literally couldn't place a sentence, all I did for the majority of the afternoon was to say ''hum'' ''ok'' ''cool'' every now and then, or else she would interrupt me and carry on talking about her fabulous self. When after an hour and a half of her talking non-stop, she finally had the curtesy to ask me what's up in my life ? I announced what has been up : that I was excited because I had won the grant, and that meant I would start graduate school a few weeks later. Well, not only did she barely congratulate me, but she went on as to how she was looking forward to go to grad school too (a year later), that she was so exceptionnal that everybody in her Faculty knew about her, that she'd received many offers from professors, etc., etc. This truly opened my eyes. She'd been like that ever since I first met her. It was always about her. Everything in her life has always been more special or interesting. She didn't care about me or my achievements. All she cared about, is that I cared about hers. So while I can understand that planning a wedding can be stressful and overwhelming, I doubt this is ever a good excuse not to be a good friend. To never be available to listen to your friend or enquire about their own plans, their own success or problems. I don't buy it, sorry. Some people are really that selfish and self-centered.
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  • OnceUponSnowOnceUponSnow member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I don't know what's wrong but I couldn't split my message into paragraphs. Sorry about that.
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  • nancieravennancieraven member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Wow.  Let's see... Insert one of the following life-changing events into your post and see if you can find the answer.
    Just lost a loved one
    Just had a baby
    Just moved
    Just lost a job
    Just got a new job

    They're all HUGE life events that will (rightfully) take over your life and you should (rightfully) expect your friends to understand the tailspin they put you in.  Being a good friend means giving your best to them when they're at their worst. sheesh!
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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
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    Has she always been like this (self absorbed)? As PPs have said some people go a little over board when it comes to weddings especially the closer they get. I think it seems pretty rash to be ready to drop her for this.

    I also want to make a point from a person that tends to talk about themselves a lot... Sometimes we don't mean to! I love to talk, I love to tell stories and I hate awkward silences! But my closest friends will cut me off mid sentence and talk over me! For a split second it sometimes annoys me, but then I realize I need that! Sometimes when I meet a new person after an hour of "talking" I realized I totally steam rolled the conversation because they wouldn't jump in and say something fast enough! I try to make an effort to ask questions to pull the person more into the conversations, but sometimes it hard as I tend to be an open book about myself and can go on and on!
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    Are you 13? Are you going to pass her a note in English class saying: 

    "Do you want to be my real friend and not talk about your wedding? 
    Yes or No (circle one)"

    By all means- "divorce" her as  a friend. I think you'd be doing her a favour- you sound like you are acting very petty, narcissistic and immature.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
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    edited August 2014
    flantastic said:
    bubblegum1309 said:
    Has she always been like this (self absorbed)? As PPs have said some people go a little over board when it comes to weddings especially the closer they get. I think it seems pretty rash to be ready to drop her for this.

    I also want to make a point from a person that tends to talk about themselves a lot... Sometimes we don't mean to! I love to talk, I love to tell stories and I hate awkward silences! But my closest friends will cut me off mid sentence and talk over me! For a split second it sometimes annoys me, but then I realize I need that! Sometimes when I meet a new person after an hour of "talking" I realized I totally steam rolled the conversation because they wouldn't jump in and say something fast enough! I try to make an effort to ask questions to pull the person more into the conversations, but sometimes it hard as I tend to be an open book about myself and can go on and on!

    Yeah, I used to be be even less self-aware than I am now ;) and would launch into sharing stuff about my life with my friends. To me, that sharing was the invitation to reciprocate; "I feel close enough to you to share this stuff, of course you should feel free to share your stuff with me."

    Someone had to tell me that in most cases, no, you need to ask, and that it was coming off as only caring about what's going on with me.

    If anyone has every taken the Myers Briggs test or studied extraversion vs. introversion, what is described in the above posts is classic extrovert behavior.  Hardly anyone is just one or the other, but most tend have have one dominate.  Extroverts are energized by having people around.  They have a tendency to do their thinking on the spot and by talking out loud.  They tend to monopolize conversations and assume that their talking is an invitation to join in on the talking.  Introverts, meanwhile, tend to be more reflective and do their thinking to themselves before talking.  They tend to think that interrupting is rude and view just joining in a conversation without a natural lull as interrupting, so they wait for a lull to join.  But then there never is a lull and they feel steamrolled. 

    This isn't about being rude, necessarily, or selfish.  It is an inherit personality trait.  The key is to learn how to communicate with those on the opposite side of the spectrum and have compassion and understanding.  So the extroverts need to learn how to and remember to maybe take a beat or two every now and then and let the introverts have a chance to think and chime in.  And the introverts need to learn how to and remember to be a bit more assertive and just interrupt and join in every now and again.  Neither way is more right or wrong than the other - they are just different and require that both learn how to best communicate with the other.

    ETA:  I'm not saying this is the case for the OP and her friend since there doesn't seem to be enough information there (which really, divorce your friend?  Because she talks about her wedding a lot?), but rather just adding on some additional perspective to the two that I quoted.
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