Last minute invitations

caiterex · August 2014

I am wondering about inviting some extra people to my wedding that is happening in 3 weeks.

Background: I am a graduate student in a small program in a state that is away from my and FIs family. After much deliberation, we have decided to get married here rather than in one of the states our families live in. When first planning the wedding I made the decision to only invite the students from my own cohort (10 people) and not the other cohort.This was because at the time, the other cohort had just begun the program and I didn't know them very well and I wasn't sure if we would have the budget to include them. In total we invited 120 guests and were planning on about 75 to attend since most were out of state. After receiving most of our RSVPs, we are looking at 50 guests (including immediate family and wedding party).

My issue is that our caterer has a minimum charge that was set up when we were planning on more guests and we have also purchased a lot of other things (favors, alcohol) based on more people attending. I really hate wasting money and want to make the most of our wedding budget. I am wondering if I should informally invite the students from the other cohort in my program (who I would genuinely like to have at the wedding) or just bite the bullet on the loss?

mileybangerz · August 2014

caiterex said:

I am wondering about inviting some extra people to my wedding that is happening in 3 weeks.
Background: I am a graduate student in a small program in a state that is away from my and FIs family. After much deliberation, we have decided to get married here rather than in one of the states our families live in. When first planning the wedding I made the decision to only invite the students from my own cohort (10 people) and not the other cohort.This was because at the time, the other cohort had just begun the program and I didn't know them very well and I wasn't sure if we would have the budget to include them. In total we invited 120 guests and were planning on about 75 to attend since most were out of state. After receiving most of our RSVPs, we are looking at 50 guests (including immediate family and wedding party).
My issue is that our caterer has a minimum charge that was set up when we were planning on more guests and we have also purchased a lot of other things (favors, alcohol) based on more people attending. I really hate wasting money and want to make the most of our wedding budget. I am wondering if I should informally invite the students from the other cohort in my program (who I would genuinely like to have at the wedding) or just bite the bullet on the loss?

I'll come and drink your extra booze.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

caiterex said:

I am wondering about inviting some extra people to my wedding that is happening in 3 weeks.
Background: I am a graduate student in a small program in a state that is away from my and FIs family. After much deliberation, we have decided to get married here rather than in one of the states our families live in. When first planning the wedding I made the decision to only invite the students from my own cohort (10 people) and not the other cohort.This was because at the time, the other cohort had just begun the program and I didn't know them very well and I wasn't sure if we would have the budget to include them. In total we invited 120 guests and were planning on about 75 to attend since most were out of state. After receiving most of our RSVPs, we are looking at 50 guests (including immediate family and wedding party).
My issue is that our caterer has a minimum charge that was set up when we were planning on more guests and we have also purchased a lot of other things (favors, alcohol) based on more people attending. I really hate wasting money and want to make the most of our wedding budget. I am wondering if I should informally invite the students from the other cohort in my program (who I would genuinely like to have at the wedding) or just bite the bullet on the loss?

No, do not B-list people, that is rude. Ask your venue if they will upgrade your bar or upgrade your entree, add additional apps, etc to meet the minimum requirement.

Don't think of it as wasting money because you were planning on spending that much to begin with, just think of it as extravagantly hosting your guests that are coming.

JaxInBlue · August 2014

You may not need to lose money with your caterer. The minimum can usually be negotiate to be the same dollar amount, rather than number of people. Ask if you can do something else to meet the minimum - add additional appetizers, upgrade your proteins, or add courses to the meal. See if you can return unopened alcohol or some could be re-purposed to another wedding event - rehearsal dinner, after-party, next day lunch/brunch. You may be lost on the favors, but if they are edible, I might find a way to put extras out for people to take.

I would not invite people as space fillers. At the very worst, if there is alcohol left that you cannot return, you could use it for yourselves or host or contribute to a non-wedding related gathering after your wedding.

Peaseblossom55 · August 2014

Maggie0829 said:

caiterex said:

I am wondering about inviting some extra people to my wedding that is happening in 3 weeks.
Background: I am a graduate student in a small program in a state that is away from my and FIs family. After much deliberation, we have decided to get married here rather than in one of the states our families live in. When first planning the wedding I made the decision to only invite the students from my own cohort (10 people) and not the other cohort.This was because at the time, the other cohort had just begun the program and I didn't know them very well and I wasn't sure if we would have the budget to include them. In total we invited 120 guests and were planning on about 75 to attend since most were out of state. After receiving most of our RSVPs, we are looking at 50 guests (including immediate family and wedding party).
My issue is that our caterer has a minimum charge that was set up when we were planning on more guests and we have also purchased a lot of other things (favors, alcohol) based on more people attending. I really hate wasting money and want to make the most of our wedding budget. I am wondering if I should informally invite the students from the other cohort in my program (who I would genuinely like to have at the wedding) or just bite the bullet on the loss?

No, do not B-list people, that is rude. Ask your venue if they will upgrade your bar or upgrade your entree, add additional apps, etc to meet the minimum requirement.

Don't think of it as wasting money because you were planning on spending that much to begin with, just think of it as extravagantly hosting your guests that are coming.

This! We came in under our venue minimum too, so we added on a viennese table of desserts (cakes, fruit, pastries), dessert liquors and a banana's foster station.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

This is B-listing and is against etiquette.

JCbride2015 · August 2014

Nope, this is B-listing and it's very rude. Don't do it.

Ask your caterer to upgrade your food or drink instead to use that money in the budget.

mileybangerz · August 2014

Oooh, no - do it in a song

"hey I just met you
and this is crazy
I need headcount at my wedding
so come party maybe?

CMGragain · August 2014

If it is at least 6 weeks from your wedding, you could invite other guests. Less than that - no.
We violated etiquette by inviting four last minute guests at daughter's wedding, but only because they begged us to come, which was actually a worse etiquette faux pas than us inviting them late. They knew they weren't on the list, but they were close to my daughter, and really wanted to come and see her ceremony.
The way I read your post is that it won't make any financial difference to you whether or not extra guests are coming to the reception. I wouldn't invite extra people if it is really late.

sarahufl · August 2014

I am going to be unpopular here. I wouldn't invite a TON of people, but we did invite a few people to our wedding 2 days before. It isn't ALWAYS rude.

One was is my parent's lawyer and she is friends with tons of our other family friends. My parents have a primarily professional relationship with her, but they are also very friendly. She stopped by the house to drop off the hair comb she wore to her daughter's wedding so my mom could borrow it. We got to talking all about wedding details and we ended up extending an invite because we had space. She and her husband came, had a blast, thanked us profusely, and gave us a very generous gift. They have mentioned to my mom several times how happy they were that they could make it.

We are very close with a family who immigrated here from Iraq. Their family is like family to us. A few weeks before my wedding, a young, single guy immigrated here from Afghanistan and became friendly with our friends. He showed up the day before my wedding and helped out a ton and was so nice. We invited him as well. It was his first American wedding and, for someone new to the country, a great way for him to get out one night and have fun. He was incredibly thankful for the invite.

Point is, last minute invites aren't always terrible if you do them right. Who knows, you may make someone's day.

mimivac · August 2014

Well, OP does indicate that she didn't know this group of people very well when she sent out invites. So can they be considered new friends and not B-listers?

Maggie0829 · August 2014

mimivac said:

Well, OP does indicate that she didn't know this group of people very well when she sent out invites. So can they be considered new friends and not B-listers?

Fine, they can be considered new friends, but once the invites go out then that is it and inviting others, even if they are new friends is just in poor taste. At some point you just have to say, this is who we are inviting and no one else, because if not, when will it end?

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I didn't even read most of your post, but my answer is the same as most of the others. No, do not invite people 3 weeks before your wedding. Do something fun with them after your wedding, but do not B-list them.

aurianna · August 2014

Do as others said:
See if you can upgrade your offerings. (can you add an app? dessert bar? carving station? better booze?)

Or you can tell the caterer what happened and maybe they'll work with you. Maybe not. But you never know. Sometimes having a reputation for being awesome to work with is more important to them that a few dollars because it's worth more business in the long-run.

If that's really not an option to do that, you might just have to eat the cost. But as PP said, you were planning on spending that much anyway.

The one type of B-listing I won't completely side-eye (more... I'll just turn a blind-eye to it despite its still not being great), is if you have guests who are single whom you did not extend a plus-1 to at the time you invited them, you could contact them and say, "Hey, I'm so excited you are coming to the wedding. I just wanted to let you know that you're welcome to bring a guest to the wedding if you'd like. If you could just let me know for sure by XYZ date and what his/her name and meal selection is, we'll make a placecard!"
It's shaky etiquette ground, but I personally don't view it quite the same as B-listing. Maybe others would disagree.
But if you already invited all your guests with +1s anyway, then it's moot.

caiterex · August 2014

sarahufl said:

I am going to be unpopular here. I wouldn't invite a TON of people, but we did invite a few people to our wedding 2 days before. It isn't ALWAYS rude.

One was is my parent's lawyer and she is friends with tons of our other family friends. My parents have a primarily professional relationship with her, but they are also very friendly. She stopped by the house to drop off the hair comb she wore to her daughter's wedding so my mom could borrow it. We got to talking all about wedding details and we ended up extending an invite because we had space. She and her husband came, had a blast, thanked us profusely, and gave us a very generous gift. They have mentioned to my mom several times how happy they were that they could make it.

We are very close with a family who immigrated here from Iraq. Their family is like family to us. A few weeks before my wedding, a young, single guy immigrated here from Afghanistan and became friendly with our friends. He showed up the day before my wedding and helped out a ton and was so nice. We invited him as well. It was his first American wedding and, for someone new to the country, a great way for him to get out one night and have fun. He was incredibly thankful for the invite.

Point is, last minute invites aren't always terrible if you do them right. Who knows, you may make someone's day.

Thank so much, this is what I was hoping to hear. Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine with inviting people who you didn't know too well beforehand but had connected with later. If I do end up inviting these people, how would you recommend I "do it right."

aurianna · August 2014

caiterex said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to be unpopular here. I wouldn't invite a TON of people, but we did invite a few people to our wedding 2 days before. It isn't ALWAYS rude.

One was is my parent's lawyer and she is friends with tons of our other family friends. My parents have a primarily professional relationship with her, but they are also very friendly. She stopped by the house to drop off the hair comb she wore to her daughter's wedding so my mom could borrow it. We got to talking all about wedding details and we ended up extending an invite because we had space. She and her husband came, had a blast, thanked us profusely, and gave us a very generous gift. They have mentioned to my mom several times how happy they were that they could make it.

We are very close with a family who immigrated here from Iraq. Their family is like family to us. A few weeks before my wedding, a young, single guy immigrated here from Afghanistan and became friendly with our friends. He showed up the day before my wedding and helped out a ton and was so nice. We invited him as well. It was his first American wedding and, for someone new to the country, a great way for him to get out one night and have fun. He was incredibly thankful for the invite.

Point is, last minute invites aren't always terrible if you do them right. Who knows, you may make someone's day.

Thank so much, this is what I was hoping to hear. Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine with inviting people who you didn't know too well beforehand but had connected with later. If I do end up inviting these people, how would you recommend I "do it right."

caiterex

So you came asking for advice... but why do I suspect you were really looking for someone to validate your idea. There were a dozen other posts on this thread and they all told you the same thing. B-listing is rude.
If a bunch of strangers that have no vested interest in your wedding tell you something is rude, there's a good chance it is. Try to read what people are saying instead of focusing in on the single person who had a differing opinion.

And let's be honest here. Even the poster who "agreed" with you had a very different situation. Their inviting the boy was a very nice gesture to the family they were already inviting. The lady with the comb was a little sketchy, but very spur of the moment and a single, isolated incident.

Your situation isn't the same.

The people you're talking about B-listing... you've known them since before the invites went out. You made a definitive choice not to invite them.
And now you just want to invite them because you literally need warm bodies in order to make your minimum.
Do you not understand how awful that is?
If these people were truly important to you, you would have invited them with everyone else.
They are going to figure it out that they were B-listed (if they don't realize it straight away from the short notice), and even if they don't say it to your face, many will be offended. Because they will realize they were last minute after-thoughts / possible place-holders.

It isn't your guests' faults that you made a bad estimate on your headcount before signing your contract. Don't treat them like second-class citizens just because you made a mistake.

Do as the majority of the PPs suggested and you'll be fine.

ETA:
Use the extra alcohol for other things. Donate the extra favors to charity for a tax credit or sell them on Craigslist if they don't have your name plastered all over them.
Though... Lurkers... favors are pretty much the least important aspect of the wedding. Budget for them last and wait to get them until you have a more firm headcount to avoid stuff like this.

sarahufl · August 2014

aurianna said:

caiterex said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to be unpopular here. I wouldn't invite a TON of people, but we did invite a few people to our wedding 2 days before. It isn't ALWAYS rude.

One was is my parent's lawyer and she is friends with tons of our other family friends. My parents have a primarily professional relationship with her, but they are also very friendly. She stopped by the house to drop off the hair comb she wore to her daughter's wedding so my mom could borrow it. We got to talking all about wedding details and we ended up extending an invite because we had space. She and her husband came, had a blast, thanked us profusely, and gave us a very generous gift. They have mentioned to my mom several times how happy they were that they could make it.

We are very close with a family who immigrated here from Iraq. Their family is like family to us. A few weeks before my wedding, a young, single guy immigrated here from Afghanistan and became friendly with our friends. He showed up the day before my wedding and helped out a ton and was so nice. We invited him as well. It was his first American wedding and, for someone new to the country, a great way for him to get out one night and have fun. He was incredibly thankful for the invite.

Point is, last minute invites aren't always terrible if you do them right. Who knows, you may make someone's day.

Thank so much, this is what I was hoping to hear. Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine with inviting people who you didn't know too well beforehand but had connected with later. If I do end up inviting these people, how would you recommend I "do it right."

caiterex

So you came asking for advice... but why do I suspect you were really looking for someone to validate your idea. There were a dozen other posts on this thread and they all told you the same thing. B-listing is rude.
If a bunch of strangers that have no vested interest in your wedding tell you something is rude, there's a good chance it is. Try to read what people are saying instead of focusing in on the single person who had a differing opinion.

And let's be honest here. Even the poster who "agreed" with you had a very different situation. Their inviting the boy was a very nice gesture to the family they were already inviting. The lady with the comb was a little sketchy, but very spur of the moment and a single, isolated incident.

Your situation isn't the same.

The people you're talking about B-listing... you've known them since before the invites went out. You made a definitive choice not to invite them.
And now you just want to invite them because you literally need warm bodies in order to make your minimum.
Do you not understand how awful that is?
If these people were truly important to you, you would have invited them with everyone else.
They are going to figure it out that they were B-listed (if they don't realize it straight away from the short notice), and even if they don't say it to your face, many will be offended. Because they will realize they were last minute after-thoughts / possible place-holders.

It isn't your guests' faults that you made a bad estimate on your headcount before signing your contract. Don't treat them like second-class citizens just because you made a mistake.

Do as the majority of the PPs suggested and you'll be fine.

ETA:
Use the extra alcohol for other things. Donate the extra favors to charity for a tax credit or sell them on Craigslist if they don't have your name plastered all over them.
Though... Lurkers... favors are pretty much the least important aspect of the wedding. Budget for them last and wait to get them until you have a more firm headcount to avoid stuff like this.

aurianna- I would hardly call it sketchy. She is a friend of my parent's. Her daughter just got married, so she knows all about the politics of wedding invites and in no way expected an invitation. She stopped by and was asking about the wedding plans (not fishing for an invite, just really curious and excited for us). She is a very nice woman. We had extra spots because some people were unable to make it at the last minute and we said we would love for them to join us if they didn't have plans. It isn't ALWAYS 100% rude to do stuff like that. She was genuinely excited for us and we were genuinely excited for her and her husband to be there.

And us inviting the other guy was in no way a favor to the family we had already invited. It was a thank you to him for being so helpful- he came to my parent's house to do yard work after knowing them for two days just because he is trying to make a life for himself in a new country. He has been living in the US for 3 weeks, has no family here, and has no job. Coming to our wedding was a huge social event for him and he had a blast. I don't think he was remotely insulted to be asked the day before.

I think B-listing is terribly rude in most cases. But I also don't think there is one answer to every question.

sarahufl · August 2014

caiterex said:

sarahufl said:

I am going to be unpopular here. I wouldn't invite a TON of people, but we did invite a few people to our wedding 2 days before. It isn't ALWAYS rude.

One was is my parent's lawyer and she is friends with tons of our other family friends. My parents have a primarily professional relationship with her, but they are also very friendly. She stopped by the house to drop off the hair comb she wore to her daughter's wedding so my mom could borrow it. We got to talking all about wedding details and we ended up extending an invite because we had space. She and her husband came, had a blast, thanked us profusely, and gave us a very generous gift. They have mentioned to my mom several times how happy they were that they could make it.

We are very close with a family who immigrated here from Iraq. Their family is like family to us. A few weeks before my wedding, a young, single guy immigrated here from Afghanistan and became friendly with our friends. He showed up the day before my wedding and helped out a ton and was so nice. We invited him as well. It was his first American wedding and, for someone new to the country, a great way for him to get out one night and have fun. He was incredibly thankful for the invite.

Point is, last minute invites aren't always terrible if you do them right. Who knows, you may make someone's day.

Thank so much, this is what I was hoping to hear. Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine with inviting people who you didn't know too well beforehand but had connected with later. If I do end up inviting these people, how would you recommend I "do it right."

caiterex- I think this is a case of knowing your crowd. I was straight up B-listed once and I happily went to the wedding. I had a friend who had moved overseas and we emailed a lot, but I hadn't seen her in years. She came from Japan to Maryland for her wedding and was able to invite me with a few weeks notice because some other people had declined.

Given the choice of seeing her and celebrating or boycotting because I was B-listed, I chose to celebrate with her because I was genuinely excited for her. I was happy I could make it.

When I was in graduate school, if I had been in the other cohort, I would probably be excited to be included. Just say you would like them to come if they are free.

In some cases, I am very against B-listing, but again, here- it doesn't bother me that much.

That said, I know I will get shit for my opinions but I don't really care in this case.

caiterex · August 2014

aurianna said:

So you came asking for advice... but why do I suspect you were really looking for someone to validate your idea. There were a dozen other posts on this thread and they all told you the same thing. B-listing is rude.
If a bunch of strangers that have no vested interest in your wedding tell you something is rude, there's a good chance it is. Try to read what people are saying instead of focusing in on the single person who had a differing opinion.

And let's be honest here. Even the poster who "agreed" with you had a very different situation. Their inviting the boy was a very nice gesture to the family they were already inviting. The lady with the comb was a little sketchy, but very spur of the moment and a single, isolated incident.

Your situation isn't the same.

The people you're talking about B-listing... you've known them since before the invites went out. You made a definitive choice not to invite them.
And now you just want to invite them because you literally need warm bodies in order to make your minimum.
Do you not understand how awful that is?
If these people were truly important to you, you would have invited them with everyone else.
They are going to figure it out that they were B-listed (if they don't realize it straight away from the short notice), and even if they don't say it to your face, many will be offended. Because they will realize they were last minute after-thoughts / possible place-holders.

It isn't your guests' faults that you made a bad estimate on your headcount before signing your contract. Don't treat them like second-class citizens just because you made a mistake.

Do as the majority of the PPs suggested and you'll be fine.

ETA:
Use the extra alcohol for other things. Donate the extra favors to charity for a tax credit or sell them on Craigslist if they don't have your name plastered all over them.
Though... Lurkers... favors are pretty much the least important aspect of the wedding. Budget for them last and wait to get them until you have a more firm headcount to avoid stuff like this.

@aurianna

You are exactly right, I was looking for someone to validate my idea. Someone who had had a similar situation to me and had a genuinely helpful suggestion. I will mention again that I am a student and the people I am hoping to invite are also just that. (Please tell me what student is offended by being invited to a party?) And while I had been formally introduced to them at the time my invites went out, I didn't know very many of them until doing some volunteer work with them recently. I appreciate your opinion and absolutely see where you are coming from but I do feel like the dynamic of this situation trumps traditional etiquette.

@sarahufl

Thanks again for helping me navigate this situation! I sincerely appreciate your experience and open-mindedness!

Viczaesar · August 2014

caiterex said:

aurianna said:

So you came asking for advice... but why do I suspect you were really looking for someone to validate your idea. There were a dozen other posts on this thread and they all told you the same thing. B-listing is rude.
If a bunch of strangers that have no vested interest in your wedding tell you something is rude, there's a good chance it is. Try to read what people are saying instead of focusing in on the single person who had a differing opinion.

And let's be honest here. Even the poster who "agreed" with you had a very different situation. Their inviting the boy was a very nice gesture to the family they were already inviting. The lady with the comb was a little sketchy, but very spur of the moment and a single, isolated incident.

Your situation isn't the same.

The people you're talking about B-listing... you've known them since before the invites went out. You made a definitive choice not to invite them.
And now you just want to invite them because you literally need warm bodies in order to make your minimum.
Do you not understand how awful that is?
If these people were truly important to you, you would have invited them with everyone else.
They are going to figure it out that they were B-listed (if they don't realize it straight away from the short notice), and even if they don't say it to your face, many will be offended. Because they will realize they were last minute after-thoughts / possible place-holders.

It isn't your guests' faults that you made a bad estimate on your headcount before signing your contract. Don't treat them like second-class citizens just because you made a mistake.

Do as the majority of the PPs suggested and you'll be fine.

ETA:
Use the extra alcohol for other things. Donate the extra favors to charity for a tax credit or sell them on Craigslist if they don't have your name plastered all over them.
Though... Lurkers... favors are pretty much the least important aspect of the wedding. Budget for them last and wait to get them until you have a more firm headcount to avoid stuff like this.

@aurianna

You are exactly right, I was looking for someone to validate my idea. Someone who had had a similar situation to me and had a genuinely helpful suggestion. I will mention again that I am a student and the people I am hoping to invite are also just that. (Please tell me what student is offended by being invited to a party?) And while I had been formally introduced to them at the time my invites went out, I didn't know very many of them until doing some volunteer work with them recently. I appreciate your opinion and absolutely see where you are coming from but I do feel like the dynamic of this situation trumps traditional etiquette.

@sarahufl

Thanks again for helping me navigate this situation! I sincerely appreciate your experience and open-mindedness!

Exactly how long before your wedding did you send the invitations?

aurianna · August 2014

@sarahufl

Honesty, initially I only skimmed your post because I tend to pre-judge things as "Well MY special snowflake situation was different because..."
I've read it more fully and I still think the situation with the comb lady could have been awkward because it could easily have been construed as, "Hey, we totally didn't think to invite you before. But now you should come. Obviously I don't think you have anything better to do tomorrow. Hey, bring a gift!" (And sure, you didn't think any of that, but some people honestly do when they B-list so you have to know your crowd). I'm glad it worked out in your case, however.

I think it's nice you invited the boy. I never said I didn't. You didn't know this kid when you sent invites out. You barely knew him right up until your wedding. I don't side-eye this at all [assuming you weren't also trying to hit a minimum headcount at your wedding]. But that's the point. This isn't the same situation as OP has at all.

You met someone new to the country and showed him hospitality. OP didn't have enough people sign-on for her special day and is now using people as seat warmers. The act may be the same, and the result of their having fun may still even be the same. But the motivations behind the actions are as different as night and day. You treated a guest with kindness. OP is treating guests like interchangeable warm bodies to fill seats and give presents.

caiterex said:

@aurianna

You are exactly right, I was looking for someone to validate my idea. Someone who had had a similar situation to me and had a genuinely helpful suggestion. I will mention again that I am a student and the people I am hoping to invite are also just that. (Please tell me what student is offended by being invited to a party?) And while I had been formally introduced to them at the time my invites went out, I didn't know very many of them until doing some volunteer work with them recently. I appreciate your opinion and absolutely see where you are coming from but I do feel like the dynamic of this situation trumps traditional etiquette.

@sarahufl

Thanks again for helping me navigate this situation! I sincerely appreciate your experience and open-mindedness!

caiterex

To the bolded, you are incorrect. Your situation is in no way unique or special.
You made a poor decision on signing a contract with a minimum that was too high and now you don't want to deal with the consequences. That is not a special situation.

PPs have given great suggestions on how to navigate this issue. You'd be a better hostess to your guest by listening to the people giving you good etiquette advice rather than trying to validate your rude ideas using the one post that comes close to agreeing with you. And again, even sarahufl's situation is nothing like yours. She invited one gal last minute on a whim and invited a nice boy who was new to the country, just because she was generous. You, on the other hand, seemingly don't want to pay too much for your food (and possibly want more presents). Sorry. Not the same situation.

And as far as "who doesn't like being invited to a party?" If you invited these kids 5 weeks ago when you [hopefully] sent out invites, then I'd be totally with you. But I guarantee there are plenty of people who would be offended to find out that they were last-minute afterthoughts, invited to fill seats and give gifts.
While I have no reason to think your wedding won't be fun, you can't overestimate the value of it. Not everyone is going to think the wedding of some girl they barely know is the bomb-diggity and they should be totally grateful to be invited at all, even if it's last minute. No, some people will see it for exactly what you've admitted it is: Being invited last minute to an event [where gifts are commonly given] by a girl who they aren't that close to, in order to fill a quota.

I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think you have evil intent here. But if your main reason for inviting these people is to fill a quota, it's just not respectful. When you look back on your wedding day, I hope it would be, "I'm so happy I spent the event with the people I love" vs "I can't believe we spent $1000 on people who weren't there!" or "I'm so happy I spent the event with the people I love and those 10 people whose names I don't remember but that's ok because they took home our extra favors."

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

caiterex said:
You are exactly right, I was looking for someone to validate my idea. Someone who had had a similar situation to me and had a genuinely helpful suggestion. I will mention again that I am a student and the people I am hoping to invite are also just that. (Please tell me what student is offended by being invited to a party?) And while I had been formally introduced to them at the time my invites went out, I didn't know very many of them until doing some volunteer work with them recently. I appreciate your opinion and absolutely see where you are coming from but I do feel like the dynamic of this situation trumps traditional etiquette.

*eyeroll* So you came to an etiquette board asking if something against etiquette is OK. Everyone said "no, it's rude" except for ONE person and you decide that that one person's idea was the best because it fit what you wanted to do - not what's right?

sarahufl · August 2014

aurianna said:

@sarahufl

Honesty, initially I only skimmed your post because I tend to pre-judge things as "Well MY special snowflake situation was different because..."
I've read it more fully and I still think the situation with the comb lady could have been awkward because it could easily have been construed as, "Hey, we totally didn't think to invite you before. But now you should come. Obviously I don't think you have anything better to do tomorrow. Hey, bring a gift!" (And sure, you didn't think any of that, but some people honestly do when they B-list so you have to know your crowd). I'm glad it worked out in your case, however.

I think it's nice you invited the boy. I never said I didn't. You didn't know this kid when you sent invites out. You barely knew him right up until your wedding. I don't side-eye this at all [assuming you weren't also trying to hit a minimum headcount at your wedding]. But that's the point. This isn't the same situation as OP has at all.

You met someone new to the country and showed him hospitality. OP didn't have enough people sign-on for her special day and is now using people as seat warmers. The act may be the same, and the result of their having fun may still even be the same. But the motivations behind the actions are as different as night and day. You treated a guest with kindness. OP is treating guests like interchangeable warm bodies to fill seats and give presents.

caiterex said:

@aurianna

You are exactly right, I was looking for someone to validate my idea. Someone who had had a similar situation to me and had a genuinely helpful suggestion. I will mention again that I am a student and the people I am hoping to invite are also just that. (Please tell me what student is offended by being invited to a party?) And while I had been formally introduced to them at the time my invites went out, I didn't know very many of them until doing some volunteer work with them recently. I appreciate your opinion and absolutely see where you are coming from but I do feel like the dynamic of this situation trumps traditional etiquette.

@sarahufl

Thanks again for helping me navigate this situation! I sincerely appreciate your experience and open-mindedness!

caiterex

To the bolded, you are incorrect. Your situation is in no way unique or special.
You made a poor decision on signing a contract with a minimum that was too high and now you don't want to deal with the consequences. That is not a special situation.

PPs have given great suggestions on how to navigate this issue. You'd be a better hostess to your guest by listening to the people giving you good etiquette advice rather than trying to validate your rude ideas using the one post that comes close to agreeing with you. And again, even sarahufl's situation is nothing like yours. She invited one gal last minute on a whim and invited a nice boy who was new to the country, just because she was generous. You, on the other hand, seemingly don't want to pay too much for your food (and possibly want more presents). Sorry. Not the same situation.

And as far as "who doesn't like being invited to a party?" If you invited these kids 5 weeks ago when you [hopefully] sent out invites, then I'd be totally with you. But I guarantee there are plenty of people who would be offended to find out that they were last-minute afterthoughts, invited to fill seats and give gifts.
While I have no reason to think your wedding won't be fun, you can't overestimate the value of it. Not everyone is going to think the wedding of some girl they barely know is the bomb-diggity and they should be totally grateful to be invited at all, even if it's last minute. No, some people will see it for exactly what you've admitted it is: Being invited last minute to an event [where gifts are commonly given] by a girl who they aren't that close to, in order to fill a quota.

I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think you have evil intent here. But if your main reason for inviting these people is to fill a quota, it's just not respectful. When you look back on your wedding day, I hope it would be, "I'm so happy I spent the event with the people I love" vs "I can't believe we spent $1000 on people who weren't there!" or "I'm so happy I spent the event with the people I love and those 10 people whose names I don't remember but that's ok because they took home our extra favors."

aurianna , If you read my posts, you know I am not new OR a special snowflake. I just don't feel like this is the WORST THING YOU CAN EVER DO.

And it wasn't about not thinking to invite her. She was in no way expecting an invite and we were in absolutely no way expecting a gift. H and I don't need or want anything. I would never, ever, under any circumstances invite someone to something in the hopes they would bring me a present. THAT is tacky. We thought she may want to come and we were correct.

They did not have to come. They did not have to bring a gift. If I thought for one second that our invite was insulting, I would not have extended it. She was excited for us and more than happy to come celebrate. She knew a ton of people there, and while her relationship with my parents is primarily professional, they are also friends. She was being thoughtful in loaning my mother the comb she wore in her hair at her own daughter's wedding because my mother had previously admired it.

I think you are being a tad harsh to OP about her need for warm bodies. If her classmates don't want to come, they don't have to. But I know that when I was in grad school, if I had been in a similar circumstance and was invite, I would just be happy to go.

iloveotters2014 · August 2014

it's one thing to get close to one MAYBE two people/couples after your invites go out and you genuinely wish to extend them an invite. It's another thing to invite a group of people because you need more butts in seats at your wedding. To me this sounds like what you are doing. It's B listing and I would be super bummed out (student or not) that I wasn't important enough to be included for more than a minimum head count.

Last minute invitations

Re: Last minute invitations

Choose Another Board

Search Boards