how to deal with difficult family issues (guest related)

Samidez · August 2014

Hey everyone! Here's the question - my brother divorced his first wife 15 years ago. He has been remarried now for over 10, and his ex has been remarried for 7. Our family had lost touch with her until I ran into her in a prenatal class 5 years ago. Since then, all the moms from that class have become friends. We do all kinds of things together. To keep my renewed relationship with his ex from my brother I've been running 2 birthday parties every year for my (almost) 5 year old daughter. But now I'm getting married & I want to invite her & her family to the wedding. We are all too close not to. My brother (and mainly my sister-in-law) could refuse to come to my wedding because of it. Feel free to comment now. wwyd? How would you handle it? tia!

mysticl · August 2014

You should have been honest with your brother from the start. You need to tell him that you are friends with his ex and would like to invite her to your wedding. Be prepared for him to be pretty hurt about the lengths you have gone to in order to deceive him and his wife for 5 years. If he's not comfortable having her there you'll just have to decide what is more important to you. Your brother or his ex-wife.

lilacck28 · August 2014

Agree with PP. And...you really planned two birthday parties for 4 years? wow.

Samidez said:

Hey everyone! Here's the question - my brother divorced his first wife 15 years ago. He has been remarried now for over 10, and his ex has been remarried for 7. Our family had lost touch with her until I ran into her in a prenatal class 5 years ago. Since then, all the moms from that class have become friends. We do all kinds of things together. To keep my renewed relationship with his ex from my brother I've been running 2 birthday parties every year for my (almost) 5 year old daughter. But now I'm getting married & I want to invite her & her family to the wedding. We are all too close not to. My brother (and mainly my sister-in-law) could refuse to come to my wedding because of it. Feel free to comment now. wwyd? How would you handle it? tia!

Viczaesar · August 2014

Time to come clean.

CMGragain · August 2014

It is OK if you are friends with your former SIL.
Your brother should be aware of your friendship. Shame on you for hiding it from him.
Your brother should not feel threatened in any way by your friendship.
You need to talk to your brother, and don't be surprised if he is angry that you hid this from him. You were dishonest.
You current SIL has no say in family matters. If she is smart, she will be super nice to her brother's ex-wife, and be dressed to kill.

Simply Fated · August 2014

Samidez said:

Hey everyone! Here's the question - my brother divorced his first wife 15 years ago. He has been remarried now for over 10, and his ex has been remarried for 7. Our family had lost touch with her until I ran into her in a prenatal class 5 years ago. Since then, all the moms from that class have become friends. We do all kinds of things together. To keep my renewed relationship with his ex from my brother I've been running 2 birthday parties every year for my (almost) 5 year old daughter. But now I'm getting married & I want to invite her & her family to the wedding. We are all too close not to. My brother (and mainly my sister-in-law) could refuse to come to my wedding because of it. Feel free to comment now. wwyd? How would you handle it? tia!

Whoa whoa whoa. You've been hosting multiple birthday parties for your child for years JUST so your brother doesn't find out your friends with his ex?
For heavens sake, did she know you were doing this?

You two are friends, but only in secret? Come clean. Let your brother know, "A few years ago, just before Sally was born, I met up with Jane at a prenatal class. We've since then become friends. I should have told you sooner and I'm sorry."
It's been 15 years. Whether or not she was a crazy psycho or a perfectly sweet woman that he just couldn't make it work with... it's been 15 freaking years. Don't ask his permission to invite her or volunteer any further information. If he asks questions, answer them honestly. He might not even care. I mean, he's happily married to someone else now, right? While it might be weird for them, as adults they should be able to move past their past.

lilacck28 · August 2014

CMGragain said:

It is OK if you are friends with your former SIL.
Your brother should be aware of your friendship. Shame on you for hiding it from him.
Your brother should not feel threatened in any way by your friendship.
You need to talk to your brother, and don't be surprised if he is angry that you hid this from him. You were dishonest.
You current SIL has no say in family matters. If she is smart, she will be super nice to her brother's ex-wife, and be dressed to kill.

I don't think he WOULD have felt threatened, because usually (not always) family trumps friends, if not for OP hiding the relationship for so long, and throwing separate parties to accommodate her! I don't have an ex husband, but if I did and my brother (I do actually have a brother) became friends with him and hid it from me for five years and threw parties... I would feel very hurt, and like my relationship with him was less important then the relationship he had with my ex. OP, I think you need to do a lot of explaining and be prepared to soothe hurt feelings and let your brother know how much you care about him (if you DO care about him, that is.)

mysticl · August 2014

Does the rest of your family know you are friends with this woman or have you been actively deceiving your entire family for five years? It may end up being a lot more than just your brother who is angry with you. At this point I think the relationship with his ex is secondary to the lengths you have gone to keeping this secret.

It would be one thing if you had just never mentioned that you talk sometimes and go out for coffee or whatever. But the party planning with the intention of keeping him in the dark is kind of extreme.

Here's one thing I've learned. The truth always comes out. It's better he find out from you than someone else.

jacques27 · August 2014

This has to be made up, because I find it hard to believe that someone would go this great extent to lie over something that could have been so inconsequential had they just had the guts to say five years ago "Hey, bro, you'll never guess who turned up in my pre-natal class!" and then let the relationship build from there out in the open.

This isn't a "My brother might not come to my wedding because I'm inviting his ex" problem, it's a "How do I confess to my family I've been a liar for five years and get them to trust me again" problem.

I'd invite him out for coffee or dinner, fess up, apologize profusely for hiding it and acknowledge that you understand if your friendship with her makes him feel awkward (after 15 years, it probably won't, but you never mentioned whether their separation was contentious...I'm guessing it might have been if you felt the need to go to such BSC ridiculous lengths to hide it so it's possible), and the be prepared to not invite the ex if it does make him feel uncomfortable.

If he's ok with it, and he may not be able to tell you right away, he may want to discuss it with his wife first, and you do invite the ex, then you also need to tell the rest of the family before the wedding as well that she may be there. Your parents or other family members may still harbor some feelings of ill-well depending on the nature of the separation. If he's not ok with her coming to the wedding, you still need to tell the rest of your family and stop hiding - it just doesn't come with such an immediate deadline.

mysticl · August 2014

jacques27 said:

This has to be made up, because I find it hard to believe that someone would go this great extent to lie over something that could have been so inconsequential had they just had the guts to say five years ago "Hey, bro, you'll never guess who turned up in my pre-natal class!" and then let the relationship build from there out in the open.

This isn't a "My brother might not come to my wedding because I'm inviting his ex" problem, it's a "How do I confess to my family I've been a liar for five years and get them to trust me again" problem.

I'd invite him out for coffee or dinner, fess up, apologize profusely for hiding it and acknowledge that you understand if your friendship with her makes him feel awkward (after 15 years, it probably won't, but you never mentioned whether their separation was contentious...I'm guessing it might have been if you felt the need to go to such BSC ridiculous lengths to hide it so it's possible), and the be prepared to not invite the ex if it does make him feel uncomfortable.

If he's ok with it, and he may not be able to tell you right away, he may want to discuss it with his wife first, and you do invite the ex, then you also need to tell the rest of the family before the wedding as well that she may be there. Your parents or other family members may still harbor some feelings of ill-well depending on the nature of the separation. If he's not ok with her coming to the wedding, you still need to tell the rest of your family and stop hiding - it just doesn't come with such an immediate deadline.

I disagree. I doubt it will stay a secret more than an hour after she is done telling him. It's going to be a race to see who gets to the rest of the family first.

zitiqueen · August 2014

This sounds so junior high.

climbingsingle · August 2014

You've been planning two birthday parties for 4 years just to be able to keep this secret from your brother? Seriously? I hope this is MUD. If not, you need to come clean now.

Fran1985 · August 2014

Just throw two weddings and never tell anyone the truth ever again!

Samidez · August 2014

Ok so just to be clear - the reason I haven't 'come clean' with my brother for the last 5 years is because: he told me that if I continued to see her AND if I didn't quit hanging out with my new friend group (from prenatal class...that she was a part of), then he would disown me as a sister. I told him that I would NOT quit hanging out with my new 'mommy' friends just because she happened to be part of the group. That was completely unreasonable. Even my parents agreed...just for me to do my thing and forget what he said, and that's what I've done.

Samidez · August 2014

The rest of my LARGE family all know that I've been friends with her for the last 5 years. My brother is now married to a very 'difficult' wife - who has issues with all of us for one reason or another. (this includes my parents). In order to 'keep the peace', I was asked to keep his 'ex' out of any conversation. Now that I'm getting married, I refuse to hide it...and I intend to invite her & her new family. I DO intend to tell my brother ahead of time. He can show or not - his loss if he doesn't.

I just thought I'd ask to see if anyone else ever struggled with 'exes' and weddings. That simple.

Samidez · August 2014

2 birthday parties is not MUD sadly. I wish it was. If you don't have a child yet, one day you will learn that birthday parties are bloody expensive. Trust me - you wouldn't bother if you didn't feel you had too! haha

mysticl · August 2014

Samidez said:

The rest of my LARGE family all know that I've been friends with her for the last 5 years. My brother is now married to a very 'difficult' wife - who has issues with all of us for one reason or another. (this includes my parents). In order to 'keep the peace', I was asked to keep his 'ex' out of any conversation. Now that I'm getting married, I refuse to hide it...and I intend to invite her & her new family. I DO intend to tell my brother ahead of time. He can show or not - his loss if he doesn't.
I just thought I'd ask to see if anyone else ever struggled with 'exes' and weddings. That simple.

But that's not what you asked. You told us about this elaborate ruse you have perpetuated for 5 years to keep your brother in the dark. That's not something where you are going to find a lot of people who have been through the same thing.

Samidez said:

2 birthday parties is not MUD sadly. I wish it was. If you don't have a child yet, one day you will learn that birthday parties are bloody expensive. Trust me - you wouldn't bother if you didn't feel you had too! haha

STB:

They are only expensive if you choose to make them that way. You chose to have two parties, you didn't have to do it. Heck, you didn't have to have any parties.

novella1186 · August 2014

I'm sorry, am I the only one who feels like this was stolen from the plot of a "Three is Company" episode? Two parties? Did you sneak the ex in the kitchen door while Mr Furley distracted your brother and got him out the front door? This isn't a wedding issue, it's a family issue. You guys need to sit down like adults and talk this out.

Knottie72584342 · August 2014

Samidez said:

The rest of my LARGE family all know that I've been friends with her for the last 5 years. My brother is now married to a very 'difficult' wife - who has issues with all of us for one reason or another. (this includes my parents). In order to 'keep the peace', I was asked to keep his 'ex' out of any conversation. Now that I'm getting married, I refuse to hide it...and I intend to invite her & her new family. I DO intend to tell my brother ahead of time. He can show or not - his loss if he doesn't.
I just thought I'd ask to see if anyone else ever struggled with 'exes' and weddings. That simple.

i've had a similar situation but it was actually a birthday party..my friends brother knew we was still friends and he basically told her to never invite me to any parties she throws or else (we only dated for two weeks and we never talked again but he's new wife didn't want me or any ex around period)and she told me about it and as a good friend i understood and told her thats fine..4 years later she was throwing her daughter a huge party and her daughter really wanted my kids there (because they became really close) so my friend basically told her brother she was inviting me and i accepted to come and if he did not like it he and his wife do not need to attend because it was childish. to her surprise they both said thats fine is your party not ours. and i showed up with my little family and they showed up with theirs.

I would say tell him. really is your life and he can't go around choosing your friends. Is okay to request to not have someone in their presence but to ask you to stop being friends with a whole group is just kindergarten to me.

Samidez · August 2014

I actually agree with one of the pp. It IS a family issue, not a wedding one. I also agree, that I should have stood my ground years ago. My parents begged me not to because they were afraid we would all lose my brother from the family (because everyone thought it was ridiculous).

Really, pity my brother - not criticize my actions - because he is stuck in this married situation that is so difficult that we all feel like we have to walk on egg shells in order to maintain a relationship with him.

Yes - it is 3's Company episode & yes, it is VERY junior high.

Like I said, I was really more interested if anyone had been stuck in a similar situation before

abbyj700 · August 2014

Wait- you AND your entire family are hiding this from your brother? How terrible he will feel. :-(

Seriously - come clean. And don't make this about your wedding and him having to decide to come or not. Make this about your relationship with your brother and his wife. Let him know the situation. Let him know your remorse for lying and talk to him about healing your relationship - because it's obviously in some trouble.

MyNameIsNot · August 2014

Samidez said:

Ok so just to be clear - the reason I haven't 'come clean' with my brother for the last 5 years is because: he told me that if I continued to see her AND if I didn't quit hanging out with my new friend group (from prenatal class...that she was a part of), then he would disown me as a sister. I told him that I would NOT quit hanging out with my new 'mommy' friends just because she happened to be part of the group. That was completely unreasonable. Even my parents agreed...just for me to do my thing and forget what he said, and that's what I've done.

But that's not what you've done. If that's what you were going to do, you would have told him that he was being ridiculous 5 years ago and told him that he could skip the party if he didn't want to see your friends, including the ex.

What are you teaching your child? That when you don't want to deal with something, you just cover it up with an elaborate hoax and pile lies on top of lies to avoid an uncomfortable situation. I don't care what happens with your relationship with your brother, but you owe it to your child to set a better example.

You are just as ridiculous and childish as he is.

how to deal with difficult family issues (guest related)

Re: how to deal with difficult family issues (guest related)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards