Inviting someone you've never met

Re: Inviting someone you've never met

• huskypuppy14 member

  

  August 2014

  missdelilah said:

  Hi:  I find myself in a sort of weird situation here.  Almost a year ago my Dad did a Facebook set up between me and one of his former colleagues, who lives in Sydney.  We talk all the time, and have a ton in common.  I'd love to invite her to the wedding because I'd love to meet her.  I'd also love to introduce her to a few people who I think she'd really get along with, and contriving another event for this would be a pain, and I think more awkward than the wedding invite.

  
  

  Dad says it would be unusual to invite someone I haven't met to the wedding, but not strange, considering the strength of our relationship.  I'm not worried about her, because there will be a few people there who she knows from various industry events, and I think maybe another one who she used to work with.  

  
  

  We want to tell everyone somewhere on the invites that gifts aren't obligatory, so hopefully it won't seem gift grabby either.  I'd appreciate your input on this though, because I'm still not sure whether it's totally strange or not.

  
  

  Thanks!

  You do not mention gifts at all on a wedding invitation. Doing so means you expect gifts.

  
  

  I think it's perfectly fine to invite your pen pal. It would be really nice!

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• missdelilah member

  

  August 2014

  Thank you @huskypuppy14.  

  
  

  We don't tend to do bridal showers where I come from (and where we're holding the wedding); the registry has been listed on every wedding invitation I've ever received from Australia.  I think this is a relatively new invention, made feasible only by internet shopping.  I know it's not the done thing in the US, and that people hold showers prior to the wedding.  A shower wouldn't work in my situation anyway, as I'd have no way of getting those gifts back home without paying something to similar to the cost price of all the items in shipping (postage is horrendously expensive there!)

  
  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  August 2014

  Go ahead and invite her! Since you're so close, it wouldn't seem gift grabby to me. 

  
  

  I would just not list the registry on the invitations, regardless of what's normally done, and make no other mention of gifts. If anyone really wants to know, they'll ask you where you're registered and then you can say "we have a registry set up here, but please know you're under no obligation. We'd just love to have you there!"

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• chibiyui member

  

  August 2014

  I'd invite her. If you're close and talk often, I don't think it would come across as gift grabby.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• missdelilah member

  

  August 2014

  Thanks @lolo883 and @chibiyui I was partly worried about the gift grabby part, and partly worried about the potential social awkwardness of this.  I'll definitely invite her.  

  
  

  I'll have to have a think about what to do regarding the registry.  It's not like we really need a lot of stuff anyway.  But I've noticed a lot of differences between how it's done here and how it's done at home.  It's not that uncommon to flatly ask for money at home, but it's usually done through a website like www.notanothertoaster.com.  The only time I've taken offense to it was one wedding where there was only one gift option, and that one was $150.  I kind of felt that I wanted to give something, but that was pretty steep after flying halfway around the world and having to organize a hotel for an out of town wedding.  And knowing a lot of the guests very well, I knew that that was much more than would have been comfortable spending, yet they felt obliged to donate.  

  
  

  I've never heard anyone take offense to being asked to contribute to the "honey fund" except in this situation; people were really happy to do this when they could choose the amount of the contribution and it was within their budget.  Yet I've noticed that a lot of community members here really hate being asked for cash.  

  
  

  Please note that this is not me saying that we're doing this.  Partly me just pointing something I'd noticed out, and partly me having a bitch at the couple who grossly overestimated how much everyone had budgeted for gifts.  

  
  

  Sorry about the rant.

  
  

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• chibiyui member

  

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  I mean, some of it is cultural. I don't know if Australia (that's where your wedding is and you are from, right?) is much different etiquette wise from the states. A large part of my issue with honey funds and such registries are that they take a cut from the gift, and that some people don't understand you receive cash from it and not an actual dinner on the beach. So, mainly I just think it's dumb to ask for cash and pay a service charge on a gift.

  
  

   I will also say, I personally only recently started giving cash at weddings. Before I was engaged with H, I only gave physical presents. During that time, I could only afford to give presents of $30 or under. And even though I shouldn't, I felt embarrassed to give what I thought to be so little in cash. But I'm a great bargain shopper, so I could take 30 bucks and get something that would normally sell for 50, and not feel as embarrassed. Something like your friends registry would have been crushing to me when I was struggling financially.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• missdelilah member

  

  August 2014

  @chibiyui That was why I had such a problem with that particular registry. They should have had a "guests can choose their own contribution" option, which I know is available through that site, as another friend of mine did that. That said, $150 in Australia is completely different from $150 in the US. Everything is more expensive there, but I'd say in purchase terms it would still be the equivalent of something around $80 - $100, so still way too high for a lot of the guests. They had a small registry somewhere else, but I didn't take the time to look at it. It does seem to me that either all of my friends and family who've been recently married either have terrible etiquette, or the whole wedding process is really different in Australia than it is in the US. And different in different parts of the US as well. FI expects people to show up with envelopes full of cash (perhaps that's something to do with where he's from, coupled with us not having a shower). I've never seen anyone do that except for a milestone birthday, where the invites said, no gifts, but I'll have a donation box for our favorite charity. They weren't expecting the cash in envelopes, but I think the guests by and large didn't want there to be any comparisons between donations, so most of them used an envelope. And yes, this was completely legit, and he donated the cash (I know this because I used to do some clerical work for that foundation). I'm terrible at bargain shopping. I tried doing the whole Marshall's and T.J. Maxx thing, and found it a complete waste of time. I make most of gifts now, and unfortunately people don't understand who expensive and time consuming this is.

  
  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  August 2014

  I am inviting several friends I've made online but have never met in person. For me, it is definitely the right decision.
  

  

  

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• lc07 member

  

  August 2014

  We invited about 90 Australians to our wedding that took place in the US. No mention of registry or gifts or anything on our invite. Of those that came (and those that didn't) we received physical gifts from my H's two brothers (non registry items) and everyone else who gave a gift gave a card with cash in it. There was no mass confusion, to my knowledge, about what to give us. 

  
  

  I vote a big NO for writing anything about gifts on the invite.

  
  

  I vote YES to inviting your pen pal.

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• pinkshorts27 member

  

  August 2014

  lc07 said:

  We invited about 90 Australians to our wedding that took place in the US. No mention of registry or gifts or anything on our invite. Of those that came (and those that didn't) we received physical gifts from my H's two brothers (non registry items) and everyone else who gave a gift gave a card with cash in it. There was no mass confusion, to my knowledge, about what to give us. 

  
  

  I vote a big NO for writing anything about gifts on the invite.

  
  

  I vote YES to inviting your pen pal.

  I vote YES for @lc07

  
  

  

  
  

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• missdelilah member

  

  August 2014

  Thanks ladies!  I'll definitely invite my pen pal.  I'm remain confused as to why I keep getting wedding invites with information about registries, etc. in them.  I'm not going to say that we'll be doing this, I'm simply going to be confused by it.  I don't imagine that it's everyone being gift grabby, because they were on a piece of paper sent with, but separate from, the invitation, and could have been omitted.  Obviously we would have been giving our family members and close friends gifts, whether or not they put the registry info in with the invite.  It's a head scratch moment.  One of them was even a really terrible bit of rhyming prose that obviously took the writer several weeks to perfect.  Totally head scratching now.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  August 2014

  missdelilah said:

  Thanks ladies!  I'll definitely invite my pen pal.  I'm remain confused as to why I keep getting wedding invites with information about registries, etc. in them.  I'm not going to say that we'll be doing this, I'm simply going to be confused by it.  I don't imagine that it's everyone being gift grabby, because they were on a piece of paper sent with, but separate from, the invitation, and could have been omitted.  Obviously we would have been giving our family members and close friends gifts, whether or not they put the registry info in with the invite.  It's a head scratch moment.  One of them was even a really terrible bit of rhyming prose that obviously took the writer several weeks to perfect.  Totally head scratching now.

  
  

  
  

  See, I'd still call this gift grabby.  Gift grabby doesn't necessarily mean that they invited you only for the gift at all.  It just means they really want a gift, and/or they think an expensive gift is expected at a wedding.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• missdelilah member

  

  August 2014

  
  

  
  

  
  

  JCbride2015 said:

  missdelilah said:

  Thanks ladies!  I'll definitely invite my pen pal.  I'm remain confused as to why I keep getting wedding invites with information about registries, etc. in them.  I'm not going to say that we'll be doing this, I'm simply going to be confused by it.  I don't imagine that it's everyone being gift grabby, because they were on a piece of paper sent with, but separate from, the invitation, and could have been omitted.  Obviously we would have been giving our family members and close friends gifts, whether or not they put the registry info in with the invite.  It's a head scratch moment.  One of them was even a really terrible bit of rhyming prose that obviously took the writer several weeks to perfect.  Totally head scratching now.

  
  

  
  

  See, I'd still call this gift grabby.  Gift grabby doesn't necessarily mean that they invited you only for the gift at all.  It just means they really want a gift, and/or they think an expensive gift is expected at a wedding.
  

  Ahh...  I'd interpreted "gift grabby" to mean that people were invited simply because the B & G wanted something from them, but that's just from the various threads I've read here.  Thanks for explaining it further.

  
  

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