Rehearsal Dinner Problems

bekt14 · August 2014

hkda2003 · August 2014

When it comes to wedding planning, I have found that I just need to pick my battles. You're right that it's not "fair" for her to invite additional guests, as your not inviting your relatives, but when it comes down to it, she is the one who is paying for it, so if I were you I would just let her do it.

kla728 · August 2014

We are in a similar situation, where 98% of our wedding guests are out of state. We've really struggled to decide on night-before-the-wedding plans because we couldn't find a reasonably affordable hotel and didn't want to ask our wedding party to spend $200+ on a hotel for the night before when the night of is already ~$200. We also weren't planning on doing a formal rehearsal dinner, so we were looking for space that could accommodate what we wanted to do (a casual pizza, wings, beer/wine gathering).

We finally figured out something that met our needs/desires, and FMIL didn't sound too pleased when we told her this would just be for immediate family and the bridal party. She would definitely prefer anyone coming in the night before be invited, but the way that would work out is that it would be huge because people would come into town the night before just to go to this gathering. There is really no need for anyone who is not in the wedding to come into town the night before.

The big difference, of course, is that my ILs have made no mention of having an interest in paying for this, we are footing the bill. We have also allowed pretty much every other request, some of which were really not what we wanted for our wedding (i.e. the 30 extra guests), so we feel fine standing by our decision.

While I agree that her plan is flawed, unfortunately it seems that you can 1) let her do what she wants or 2) pay for it yourself and keep it small.

rsbloom · August 2014

"They who pay get a say"

Does it suck? yes.

Is it worth fighting over? no.

My FILs are footing the bill too and they are picking and choosing which guests to invite and it's not consistent at all.

Since we have been butting heads about everything related to them, I decided to not care. It isn't the wedding, it doesn't reflect us at all, it reflects them, plus we don't have to pay for it.

If you want to see the relatives not invited to the RD, tell them you will be hanging out out at X place at X time. That way you can mingle, but aren't expected to foot the bill.

If they ask about the RD, tell them you couldn't invite everyone you wanted.

Dignity100 · August 2014

I have to say, since they are paying, I think they are technically hosting and get final say.

bekt14 · August 2014

kla728 said:

We are in a similar situation, where 98% of our wedding guests are out of state. We've really struggled to decide on night-before-the-wedding plans because we couldn't find a reasonably affordable hotel and didn't want to ask our wedding party to spend $200+ on a hotel for the night before when the night of is already ~$200. We also weren't planning on doing a formal rehearsal dinner, so we were looking for space that could accommodate what we wanted to do (a casual pizza, wings, beer/wine gathering).

We finally figured out something that met our needs/desires, and FMIL didn't sound too pleased when we told her this would just be for immediate family and the bridal party. She would definitely prefer anyone coming in the night before be invited, but the way that would work out is that it would be huge because people would come into town the night before just to go to this gathering. There is really no need for anyone who is not in the wedding to come into town the night before.

The big difference, of course, is that my ILs have made no mention of having an interest in paying for this, we are footing the bill. We have also allowed pretty much every other request, some of which were really not what we wanted for our wedding (i.e. the 30 extra guests), so we feel fine standing by our decision.

While I agree that her plan is flawed, unfortunately it seems that you can 1) let her do what she wants or 2) pay for it yourself and keep it small.

We also were originally trying to find a casual pizza place where we could fit all 80 people for the night before, but it was just too expensive so we changed it to Immediate Family Only.

MIL knows why we made that decision, so it's so frustrating that she's now inviting her family when mine can't come- even though her family is right next door and my family is traveling across the country to support us.

I agree that she has the final say though because they are paying.

I did put my foot down that I want it to be an early dinner from 5-7pm so that I will have time to have a mini family reunion with my folks after the dinner. Originally she wanted it to be 7-9 and then we would be getting back so late, I wouldn't be able to greet my family at all.

Dignity100 · August 2014

If you wanted to include those from out of town - what about renting a covered park pavilion. You could grill burgers/hot dogs and get pizza, salad and normal 'picnic' sides. I know around here it does start getting dark earlier, but the weather tends to still be nice.

Edit: punctuation

JennyColada · August 2014

I don't ever recall hearing that you "have" to invite out-of-towners to a rehearsal dinner. I mean, it might be polite, but I don't think that it's traditional?

hkda2003 · August 2014

I have heard it is tradition, but tradition doesn't mean it's required.

Rehearsal Dinner Problems

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