BM crisis!

Peterwendie · August 2014

Hey there- I have a slight BM crisis and I'm pretty sure there's no changing or fixing things but I just need to hear things from others on what to do. Please be as nice but as honest as you can... I've bent over backwards time and time again for this BM and my feelings have continually gotten hurt over and over again... So I don't need to be made to feel like shit bc I want her out of my wedding... Here's the deal: I got engaged in December 2013 and am getting married this December. I chose my BMs in January-my sis is my MOH, my sis-in-law is my BM and 2of my best friends that I've had for 10 years are BMs. One of my best friends that I've been close with for 10years all of a sudden changed who she was as a person, it seemed right after. She's been married for 4years and he left in January for a 6month deployment... and all of a sudden she started cheating on her husband with countless men. She would tell my other BM but not me and then when I would try to open conversation up about it she lied to me repeatedly.. When I confronted her about the lying-she said she was sorry and wouldn't do it again but then kept doing it and kept lying to me. (Before, she wasn't a cheater or a liar...) also- she got addicted to pain pills and spent all her husband's money on pills every month...I kept asking her to give me 20 or 40$ a month so I could put it away for BM activities like dress and bachelorette party but she never gave me money b.c. She kept buying pills off the street. She never asked me if she could help and she never asked me anything about the wedding ever... She only talked about guys that she knew I was aware of. (Before she was a monogamous wife who didn't do drugs and was a great supportive friend which is why I made her my BM)... So the problem I'm facing is- I've realized that I don't know if I can be friends with someone who repeatedly lies to me and cares more about sleeping with random men than spending time with her best friends and I've come to accept that we are not going to be friends anymore (we never even talk anymore... Her husband is back home and she's been lying to him also and using me as a scapegoat to him so she avoids me so I don't find out).. . She already bought her dress by secretly using her husband's credit card so the dress order is already in and secure and there's no going back. Lastly, I have talked to my FH, mom, and MOH and all of them are for me asking her to step down and therefore me ending the friendship. Do I: 1. Deal with it and keep her and accept that she is my BM bc she once was a good friend and an important person to me? 2. Explain that her lying and absolute lack of support as a friend is causing me to reconsider her part in my life/wedding? Or 3. Other suggestions? I appreciate any help.

climbingsingle · August 2014

Peterwendie said:

Hey there- I have a slight BM crisis and I'm pretty sure there's no changing or fixing things but I just need to hear things from others on what to do. Please be as nice but as honest as you can... I've bent over backwards time and time again for this BM and my feelings have continually gotten hurt over and over again... So I don't need to be made to feel like shit bc I want her out of my wedding... Here's the deal: I got engaged in December 2013 and am getting married this December. I chose my BMs in January-my sis is my MOH, my sis-in-law is my BM and 2of my best friends that I've had for 10 years are BMs. One of my best friends that I've been close with for 10years all of a sudden changed who she was as a person, it seemed right after. She's been married for 4years and he left in January for a 6month deployment... and all of a sudden she started cheating on her husband with countless men. She would tell my other BM but not me and then when I would try to open conversation up about it she lied to me repeatedly.. When I confronted her about the lying-she said she was sorry and wouldn't do it again but then kept doing it and kept lying to me. (Before, she wasn't a cheater or a liar...) also- she got addicted to pain pills and spent all her husband's money on pills every month...I kept asking her to give me 20 or 40$ a month so I could put it away for BM activities like dress and bachelorette party but she never gave me money b.c. She kept buying pills off the street. She never asked me if she could help and she never asked me anything about the wedding ever... She only talked about guys that she knew I was aware of. (Before she was a monogamous wife who didn't do drugs and was a great supportive friend which is why I made her my BM)... So the problem I'm facing is- I've realized that I don't know if I can be friends with someone who repeatedly lies to me and cares more about sleeping with random men than spending time with her best friends and I've come to accept that we are not going to be friends anymore (we never even talk anymore... Her husband is back home and she's been lying to him also and using me as a scapegoat to him so she avoids me so I don't find out).. . She already bought her dress by secretly using her husband's credit card so the dress order is already in and secure and there's no going back. Lastly, I have talked to my FH, mom, and MOH and all of them are for me asking her to step down and therefore me ending the friendship. Do I: 1. Deal with it and keep her and accept that she is my BM bc she once was a good friend and an important person to me? 2. Explain that her lying and absolute lack of support as a friend is causing me to reconsider her part in my life/wedding? Or 3. Other suggestions? I appreciate any help.

So, your Bridesmaid and supposed best friend is engaging in some really dangerous behavior, and your first reaction is to kick her out of your wedding?

What goes on in her marriage is between her and her husband. Your first mistake was getting involved in that. It sounds like she only confided in your other friend that she was cheating. So you chose to confront her about it. That was wrong.

Asking her to give you money for "BM activities" was another thing you did wrong. Why are you treating this friend like your child? And side note: you should not be planning your bachelorette party or any other parties. Do not collect money from your wedding party for things like that. It's a big no-no.

If you really care about this person, you should encourage her to get help. Your wedding should be secondary. Your friend is cheating, lying and using drugs. These are BIG problems. She needs help. Be a good friend and HELP HER. You sound like you only care about your wedding, and not your friend.

And I've been here before. I've been friends with my one of my best friends for 29 years. She was behaving very similarly. She was cheating on her husband and developed a very serious drinking problem. I set up an intervention with the rest of our friends and we got her the help she needed.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

Peterwendie said:

Hey there- I have a slight BM crisis and I'm pretty sure there's no changing or fixing things but I just need to hear things from others on what to do. Please be as nice but as honest as you can... I've bent over backwards time and time again for this BM and my feelings have continually gotten hurt over and over again... So I don't need to be made to feel like shit bc I want her out of my wedding... Here's the deal: I got engaged in December 2013 and am getting married this December. I chose my BMs in January-my sis is my MOH, my sis-in-law is my BM and 2of my best friends that I've had for 10 years are BMs. One of my best friends that I've been close with for 10years all of a sudden changed who she was as a person, it seemed right after. She's been married for 4years and he left in January for a 6month deployment... and all of a sudden she started cheating on her husband with countless men. She would tell my other BM but not me and then when I would try to open conversation up about it she lied to me repeatedly.. When I confronted her about the lying-she said she was sorry and wouldn't do it again but then kept doing it and kept lying to me. (Before, she wasn't a cheater or a liar...) also- she got addicted to pain pills and spent all her husband's money on pills every month...I kept asking her to give me 20 or 40$ a month so I could put it away for BM activities like dress and bachelorette party but she never gave me money b.c. She kept buying pills off the street. She never asked me if she could help and she never asked me anything about the wedding ever... She only talked about guys that she knew I was aware of. (Before she was a monogamous wife who didn't do drugs and was a great supportive friend which is why I made her my BM)... So the problem I'm facing is- I've realized that I don't know if I can be friends with someone who repeatedly lies to me and cares more about sleeping with random men than spending time with her best friends and I've come to accept that we are not going to be friends anymore (we never even talk anymore... Her husband is back home and she's been lying to him also and using me as a scapegoat to him so she avoids me so I don't find out).. . She already bought her dress by secretly using her husband's credit card so the dress order is already in and secure and there's no going back. Lastly, I have talked to my FH, mom, and MOH and all of them are for me asking her to step down and therefore me ending the friendship. Do I: 1. Deal with it and keep her and accept that she is my BM bc she once was a good friend and an important person to me? 2. Explain that her lying and absolute lack of support as a friend is causing me to reconsider her part in my life/wedding? Or 3. Other suggestions? I appreciate any help.

First, to the bolded...what?!

Second, I am going to ditto everything that Scribe said. This is supposedly a friend that you have had for over a decade and all you are concerned about is what to do about your wedding? Seriously? It sounds like this friend is going through some major personal and mental and emotional issues and instead of really trying to help her you are just wanting to kick her out of your wedding and basically your life. That is not how you treat friends that you have had as long as you have been friends with this girl.

So stop thinking about your damn wedding and start thinking about how you and your family and friends and her family and friends can help her!

BMoreBride6 · August 2014

You titled this "BM Crisis!" and you are right, your friend is in crisis. Take the whole bridesmaid thing out of it completely. Your dear friend's life is in crisis and honestly, your wedding shouldn't even be brought up as a part of this. Yes, your wedding is important and I'm not saying you should put you're entire life and wedding plans on the back burner until she is better, but your correspondences with her should not be wedding related. She needs helps and will likely resist it. It was not your place to confront her about the marital issues because she did not confide in you about that, but that ship has sailed. Does the husband know about the pill problem? If he trying to get her help? I'm not saying you should go off and confront him about it, but the answer to those questions impact the rest of my answer.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

You've been quoted, so I won't take up space with that...

But did you seriously ask people to make payments toward wedding related activities? What the everloving fuck?

Also, your friend has some serious problems. She needs help. If all you can think about is your wedding, leave her alone - she doesn't need a friend like you.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

Another vote that you need to put your wedding aside and look at this, how would you treat your friend in this situation if you weren't planning your wedding & she was a BM. Would you just let her to continue to spiral down and ruin her life or would you try to intervene and help her? My opinion is that the lying and cheating is probably all due to her drug addiction. Now it's one thing to let her step down because she is dealing with recovery. But since you've been friends for so long I think you owe it to your friendship to talk to her about her addiction issue and also to inform her husband about that. Since he's been gone he doesn't know what's going on and needs to be brought up to speed on what's going on because this effects him too.

nancieraven · August 2014

Ok. A LITTLE more realistic spin. Your future with your FI is really, really important. When you make your vows, he WILL be the number 1 thing, so putting the wedding aside is stupid advice.

That being said, I think the whole thing should be addressed in a loving way, not her versus your wedding. So, I would go to her and say you're worried, yada yada, and offer to take the strain off her as she gets help. So "relieve" her of her duties (not "kick her out of the wedding") as you work to get her some help. You can get married with or without her there. And you may save a friend's life as well as a friendSHIP in the process.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

nancieraven said:

Ok. A LITTLE more realistic spin. Your future with your FI is really, really important. When you make your vows, he WILL be the number 1 thing, so putting the wedding aside is stupid advice.

That being said, I think the whole thing should be addressed in a loving way, not her versus your wedding. So, I would go to her and say you're worried, yada yada, and offer to take the strain off her as she gets help. So "relieve" her of her duties (not "kick her out of the wedding") as you work to get her some help. You can get married with or without her there. And you may save a friend's life as well as a friendSHIP in the process.

No it really isn't. What she is worried about regarding her wedding is silly BM stuff that has no bearing on whether or not she and her FI get married the day she has planned. She is more concerned with the fact that this friends isn't doing things for her rather then being worried about her friends welfare. Putting aside unrealistic thinking of what a BM is supposed to do is necessary in this instance. We sure as hell aren't telling her to put the entire wedding on hold. All we are telling her is that in this circumstance with this friend, the wedding in which it pertains to her, should be pushed to the side and she should be more worried about her friends health and mental well being.

climbingsingle · August 2014

nancieraven said:

Ok. A LITTLE more realistic spin. Your future with your FI is really, really important. When you make your vows, he WILL be the number 1 thing, so putting the wedding aside is stupid advice.

That being said, I think the whole thing should be addressed in a loving way, not her versus your wedding. So, I would go to her and say you're worried, yada yada, and offer to take the strain off her as she gets help. So "relieve" her of her duties (not "kick her out of the wedding") as you work to get her some help. You can get married with or without her there. And you may save a friend's life as well as a friendSHIP in the process.

Uh, no. Her friend is in crisis. We're not saying she needs to cancel her wedding. We're saying she needs to help her friend. And instead of worrying about what affect this is having on her wedding (which is just one day), she should be focused on the fact that her friend needs serious help.

Peterwendie · August 2014

I should have clarified... I've tried the entire time to get her help and talk to her about her issues. I never talk to her about my wedding-ever. I talked to her family about getting an intervention going and I spoke to a psychiatrist about it also-to try and get her help. I spoke to her at least 1-2 times a month about getting her help for what was going on in her life and she refused to admit she had a problem... She just used my trying to get her help as a reason to shut me out from her life... Even when the family attempted an intervention it was unsuccessful. So I don't want you guys thinking I was selfishly concerned about my wedding the entire time-I actual haven't been concerned about my wedding the entire 8months I've been engaged and have done all the planning without her, secretly, bc I didn't want to bother her or burden her. The problem I am having with her is all her lies... She'd tell me bits and pieces of what's going on (about the adultery and bragging about it... She'd buy pills in front of me... She would tell me things but then lie to me about others) she uses me as her clutch to others like "oh I can't go to so and so's birthday party in my family b.c. I'm going with the bride to do wedding things" when in reality she was going and sleeping with guys.. And I would find out she used me bc she is not a very good liar and am close with her family and they would ask me how shopping with her went..... So please don't think I'm some selfish bride that doesn't care about my friend... I've attempted for 8months to get her help and assist her and she continues to refuse it. I've gotten to the point where I can't watch her continue to do this and continue to kill herself and ruin her life... The issue isn't about her being a sucky BM... I could care less about that... the issue is that I can't be her friend anymore and watch her do this but she is my BM.. So do I wait until after to end the friendship or do it now? (At what point and at how many lies is enough enough? That's what I'm saying... I'm sick of her lying to me and not being my friend... I'm sick of her not letting me help her... I'm sick of her killing herself and not caring and not letting me help her...I could give a fuck less about my wedding in regards to her..) Also-the only reason I asked for money from her is because since I've been friends with her for 10years She and I both know how horrible she is at managing her money.. She spends all of it as soon as her husband makes it and she never has money to do anything fun. She ASKED me in the beginning of the engagement to save her money FOR her in a lockbox so that she would have it come wedding time. I wasn't going around asking for collections from my BMs I was trying to help her out specifically bc of her money management issues and her specifically asking me to help. I guess I should not have asked on this forum knowing you guys would think I'm the one being the bitch... Point is-I'm done with her for many reasons...I can't be an enabler to her drug addiction and downward spiral and if that makes me a bitch then I'm a bitch... I was simply asking when should I tell her our friendship is over bc she refuses to listen to me or get help or even try to admit she has a problem.. If you guys have watched intervention or know anything about them-that is what loved ones are supposed to do... Refuse to communicate with the person until they agree to get help. That is what I'm doing. Guess that makes me a bitch though.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

Peterwendie said:

I should have clarified... I've tried the entire time to get her help and talk to her about her issues. I never talk to her about my wedding-ever. I talked to her family about getting an intervention going and I spoke to a psychiatrist about it also-to try and get her help. I spoke to her at least 1-2 times a month about getting her help for what was going on in her life and she refused to admit she had a problem... She just used my trying to get her help as a reason to shut me out from her life... Even when the family attempted an intervention it was unsuccessful. So I don't want you guys thinking I was selfishly concerned about my wedding the entire time-I actual haven't been concerned about my wedding the entire 8months I've been engaged and have done all the planning without her, secretly, bc I didn't want to bother her or burden her. The problem I am having with her is all her lies... She'd tell me bits and pieces of what's going on (about the adultery and bragging about it... She'd buy pills in front of me... She would tell me things but then lie to me about others) she uses me as her clutch to others like "oh I can't go to so and so's birthday party in my family b.c. I'm going with the bride to do wedding things" when in reality she was going and sleeping with guys.. And I would find out she used me bc she is not a very good liar and am close with her family and they would ask me how shopping with her went..... So please don't think I'm some selfish bride that doesn't care about my friend... I've attempted for 8months to get her help and assist her and she continues to refuse it. I've gotten to the point where I can't watch her continue to do this and continue to kill herself and ruin her life... The issue isn't about her being a sucky BM... I could care less about that... the issue is that I can't be her friend anymore and watch her do this but she is my BM.. So do I wait until after to end the friendship or do it now? (At what point and at how many lies is enough enough? That's what I'm saying... I'm sick of her lying to me and not being my friend... I'm sick of her not letting me help her... I'm sick of her killing herself and not caring and not letting me help her...I could give a fuck less about my wedding in regards to her..) Also-the only reason I asked for money from her is because since I've been friends with her for 10years She and I both know how horrible she is at managing her money.. She spends all of it as soon as her husband makes it and she never has money to do anything fun. She ASKED me in the beginning of the engagement to save her money FOR her in a lockbox so that she would have it come wedding time. I wasn't going around asking for collections from my BMs I was trying to help her out specifically bc of her money management issues and her specifically asking me to help. I guess I should not have asked on this forum knowing you guys would think I'm the one being the bitch... Point is-I'm done with her for many reasons...I can't be an enabler to her drug addiction and downward spiral and if that makes me a bitch then I'm a bitch... I was simply asking when should I tell her our friendship is over bc she refuses to listen to me or get help or even try to admit she has a problem.. If you guys have watched intervention or know anything about them-that is what loved ones are supposed to do... Refuse to communicate with the person until they agree to get help. That is what I'm doing. Guess that makes me a bitch though.

Look, if you don't want to be her friend anymore then just kick her out of your wedding. But the lying is part of her problem and until she decides that she wants help then she will continue with the lying. So what you have to decide is if you want to hopefully salvage your friendship at some point in the future once she has gotten herself help or if you want to completely cut all ties with her. If you want the former then don't kick her out of your wedding. She has her dress and since that is all she has to do (aside from showing up on time relatively sober) then she has fulfilled her duty as a BM. If it is the latter, then kick her out and repay her for the dress she bought and then walk away.

And sorry but I don't agree with whatever some television show tells you. You have let her know that you are concerned. You have tried to help her. Now it is up to her but I think cutting all communication does more harm then good in these types of circumstances. That doesn't mean you have to put up with her lying but I do think that everyone that supposedly loves this person just dropping off the face of the planet will cause her to spiral even more out of control rather then her realizing that she does have people who love and care for her and that may be a good enough reason to get help. This shit takes time, but if you want to walk away then that is your choice.

climbingsingle · August 2014

Listen, we can only give advice based on what YOU share. You never shared that you tried to have an intervention, or that you've tried to help her in any way. We're not mind readers.

NYCMercedes · August 2014

I'm sure she's got you terribly worried about her as she was a good friend. It seems you've been a good friend back to her. Now it seems you should distance yourself from her to give yourself a break from helping her as you need it. I get that you're exhausted with it, as well as you should be. My recommendation is to do nothing regarding her and your wedding for awhile, as you really don't need to until a few weeks out from your wedding date. My sympathies to you for potentially losing a dear friend.

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

Since you have tried to repeatedly help your friend to no avail, I would call her and tell her that you can no longer watch her self-destruct while she is addicted to pain pills. Tell her that you love her and as soon as she is ready to clean up, you will be there with her every step of the way. This will automatically remove herself from your wedding. ____________________________________________________________________________ Then separately, write a note to her H and tell him that you can't watch her and her addiction any longer. If you want to tell him she is sleeping around, that is up to you. I don't think I could keep that to myself knowing she could be passing STDs along to him, but there may be differing opinions of doing that on this board. But also, write a check out to the husband for the amount of the dress. It would be the right thing to do to pay him for it.

ashley8918 · August 2014

I agree with PPs that you need to worry a little less about her as your bridesmaid, and a little more about her as a friend. She obviously needs some sort of help.

And I can tell you firsthand that "interventions" very often backfire and push the addict away. It can make them feel patronized and judged, which isn't at all helpful.

My suggestion would be to stop talking wedding with her altogether, do not kick her out, and stop trying to force her to get help. Just be there for her if she comes to you. You seemed exhausted with the whole situation (which is totally understandable), but I don't think that cutting her off is the right way to go. You can certainly distance yourself, but don't make yourself totally unavailable in case she does decide to come to you for help.

In regards to your wedding: If she shows up in the dress, great! If she shows up as a guest, great! If she doesn't show up, at least it wasn't because you actively pushed her out of your life.

Viczaesar · August 2014

nancieraven said:

Ok. A LITTLE more realistic spin. Your future with your FI is really, really important. When you make your vows, he WILL be the number 1 thing, so putting the wedding aside is stupid advice.

That being said, I think the whole thing should be addressed in a loving way, not her versus your wedding. So, I would go to her and say you're worried, yada yada, and offer to take the strain off her as she gets help. So "relieve" her of her duties (not "kick her out of the wedding") as you work to get her some help. You can get married with or without her there. And you may save a friend's life as well as a friendSHIP in the process.

This whole post is asinine, but particularly the bolded.

BMoreBride6 · August 2014

ashley8918 said:

I agree with PPs that you need to worry a little less about her as your bridesmaid, and a little more about her as a friend. She obviously needs some sort of help.

And I can tell you firsthand that "interventions" very often backfire and push the addict away. It can make them feel patronized and judged, which isn't at all helpful.

My suggestion would be to stop talking wedding with her altogether, do not kick her out, and stop trying to force her to get help. Just be there for her if she comes to you. You seemed exhausted with the whole situation (which is totally understandable), but I don't think that cutting her off is the right way to go. You can certainly distance yourself, but don't make yourself totally unavailable in case she does decide to come to you for help.

In regards to your wedding: If she shows up in the dress, great! If she shows up as a guest, great! If she doesn't show up, at least it wasn't because you actively pushed her out of your life.

I mostly agree but I think her showing up at the wedding sober, without the pills is another important requirement. If she showed up high or was seen taking pills, I don't think it would be wrong to ask her to leave.

ashley8918 · August 2014

BMoreBride6 said:

ashley8918 said:

I agree with PPs that you need to worry a little less about her as your bridesmaid, and a little more about her as a friend. She obviously needs some sort of help.

And I can tell you firsthand that "interventions" very often backfire and push the addict away. It can make them feel patronized and judged, which isn't at all helpful.

My suggestion would be to stop talking wedding with her altogether, do not kick her out, and stop trying to force her to get help. Just be there for her if she comes to you. You seemed exhausted with the whole situation (which is totally understandable), but I don't think that cutting her off is the right way to go. You can certainly distance yourself, but don't make yourself totally unavailable in case she does decide to come to you for help.

In regards to your wedding: If she shows up in the dress, great! If she shows up as a guest, great! If she doesn't show up, at least it wasn't because you actively pushed her out of your life.

I mostly agree but I think her showing up at the wedding sober, without the pills is another important requirement. If she showed up high or was seen taking pills, I don't think it would be wrong to ask her to leave.

Eh, maybe.

I don't know about what's right or wrong in that situation, but I personally would never do that to a friend who needs help.

MairePoppy · August 2014

Ditto OliveOilsMom. You've tried your best to get help for your friend, but she isn't ready to start recovery. Losing a friend may or may not be a wakeup call to her. You should break it off with her, but make it count for something. Tell her the truth. You resent that she has used you as an excuse and an alibi for her self destructive behavior. You can no longer stand by as she abuses drugs, lies and cheats on her husband. She's putting her husband's health at risk, by having sex for drugs or because of drugs. IMO, you should tell him.

When I read your first post, I thought here's another bride more worried about her wedding than about her friend's serious mental health crisis. I'm glad you followed up with the additional information. You have a right to live your own life and not be controlled by someone else's addiction.

Once you've ended your relationship with your friend, the bm issue will be resolved, so I'm not going to comment on the other particulars.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

Option 3: Be her fucking friend.

ETA: I missed your second post. Good clarification, but I still think you have a choice. Be her friend or not. And deal with the consequences.

novella1186 · August 2014

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, but I think kicking her out of the wedding and ending the friendship permanently could do more harm than good. Just give her some distance for now and stop letting yourself feel like all of this is up to you to fix. If you really want to get her some help, maybe get together with the husband and close friend and discuss some options. But mostly I think you should back off for now, and definitely be there for her if she ends up coming to you for help. Probably the reason she wasn't confiding in you about her issues is because she was worried about you judging her. Don't judge or criticize. Just be there.

hales2010 · August 2014

BMoreBride6 said:

ashley8918 said:

I agree with PPs that you need to worry a little less about her as your bridesmaid, and a little more about her as a friend. She obviously needs some sort of help.

And I can tell you firsthand that "interventions" very often backfire and push the addict away. It can make them feel patronized and judged, which isn't at all helpful.

My suggestion would be to stop talking wedding with her altogether, do not kick her out, and stop trying to force her to get help. Just be there for her if she comes to you. You seemed exhausted with the whole situation (which is totally understandable), but I don't think that cutting her off is the right way to go. You can certainly distance yourself, but don't make yourself totally unavailable in case she does decide to come to you for help.

In regards to your wedding: If she shows up in the dress, great! If she shows up as a guest, great! If she doesn't show up, at least it wasn't because you actively pushed her out of your life.

I mostly agree but I think her showing up at the wedding sober, without the pills is another important requirement. If she showed up high or was seen taking pills, I don't think it would be wrong to ask her to leave.

My biggest fear is that she would show up to the wedding high and then when asking her to leave a huge fight breaking out right before the wedding. I know I would be in tears by that point if I had to do that to a BM and that is why I feel this should be settled before the wedding day. There is no need to put extra stress on a bride before her wedding.

On the situation though I do feel that you have done everything that could be done and even contacting her family about it was a great step. How I would handle this if it got to this point is I would go talk to her in person one last time and express that I want her to get help. Tell her how worried you are for her. If by the end of this conversation she still denies a problem or does not even seem to consider help then that is when I would tell her that you think it woud be best ot end the friendship. If for some reason she can't make time for this then I would try to call her. If it helps maybe try to pay her back for the dress.

speakeasy14 · August 2014

This situation is on the extreme end so I really don't know what the best advice would be, but if you choose to let her remain in the wedding:

Do not discuss anything wedding with her. Send her an invitation, if she shows up in her bm dress, sober, great. If she does not, have someone ready to deal with her so you do not have to. Second, I hate to say this but: Get a box that cannot be easily opened for cards. If she is stealing money from her own husband, you do not want her to be able to easily walk away with gifts from your wedding (especially since not everyone writes a check).

Peterwendie · August 2014

Thank you everyone for your comments.. I feel a little more knowledgeable about what I should do at this point with her-and the talking to the husband thing is such an iffy situation- I've been avoiding him since he got back bc I don't want to be a part of things.. But if it were me.. I'd want to know. I will take all your feedback into consideration and hopefully make the right move.

BM crisis!

Re: BM crisis!

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