Uninvited godchild...

lws2009 · August 2014

I'm having a hard time with something and wanted to get an opinion on this. My husband's best friend is getting married soon and it's an out-of-state wedding for us. He is a groomsman in this wedding too. We went to book flights (over $1,000 for our family of 4 to fly, not including hotel and other expenses) and as we were booking them, we received a call from the groom saying that our children were not invited. Normally, I would be happy to oblige as I have been through the wedding planning process before but my daughter (3 years old) is his goddaughter AND they are having other children attend. They mentioned that the children attending are in their family so I assume nieces and nephews. My husband spoke up explaining that we could not leave our brand new baby (will be 3 months old at the time of the wedding) and they said she could come but not my 3 year old, his goddaughter. Due to these circumstances, I am having to stay behind with the 2 small children at home. We even said that if cost were the issue, we would pay her way to eat or whatever it was going to cost so they didn't have to worry about it. But they said no. Am I crazy to be upset about this? I feel it's really hurtful to not include his goddaughter and also say one of my children can come but not the other. Thoughts?

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

I would be very disappointed, too.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

It sucks and they didn't handle things very well but there is not much you can do. Just enjoy the money you are going to save to not have to buy tickets for your entire family.

kaos16 · August 2014

lws2009 said:

I'm having a hard time with something and wanted to get an opinion on this. My husband's best friend is getting married soon and it's an out-of-state wedding for us. He is a groomsman in this wedding too. We went to book flights (over $1,000 for our family of 4 to fly, not including hotel and other expenses) and as we were booking them, we received a call from the groom saying that our children were not invited. Normally, I would be happy to oblige as I have been through the wedding planning process before but my daughter (3 years old) is his goddaughter AND they are having other children attend. They mentioned that the children attending are in their family so I assume nieces and nephews. My husband spoke up explaining that we could not leave our brand new baby (will be 3 months old at the time of the wedding) and they said she could come but not my 3 year old, his goddaughter. Due to these circumstances, I am having to stay behind with the 2 small children at home. We even said that if cost were the issue, we would pay her way to eat or whatever it was going to cost so they didn't have to worry about it. But they said no. Am I crazy to be upset about this? I feel it's really hurtful to not include his goddaughter and also say one of my children can come but not the other. Thoughts?

1. Who was the invitation addressed to?

2. Were your children invited and then uninvited, or did you assume they were invited/add them to the invitation?

If they are having no children, or inviting children in circles that your children don't fit into I don't think there is anything wrong with an invitation not being extended to your children regardless of whether one is a godchild. We had no children at our wedding....not my godson, not DH's goddaughter, none.

I can see how it would be upsetting to think your children are invited someplace that they are not, but really it is their perogative. If they don't want kids/certain kids there that's fine. It's your perogative to decline if you don't want to attend now, or can't attend now.

It is strange that you would offer to cover cost for your toddler (lurkers: this is why you don't give reasons like cost for not inviting certain people. . . . you don't have to give an explanation)

They were wrong for them inviting one of your children and not the other (lurkers: don't split up family units)

lws2009 · August 2014

I honestly don't even remember who it was addressed to. Because I've been through the wedding process before, I do know to look at that and see what the invite says but I truthfully don't recall. In fact, because it's out of state, we were buying flights before invitations were even sent, bc we just 100% knew we would be there since my husband was in the wedding. The savings will be nice but I didn't care about the money since we were excited to attend such an important day. We only offered to cover cost bc they mentioned they were paying for the wedding themselves and they were trying to cut costs. I guess our feelings are hurt bc they invited one child and not the other and the other is supposed to be a significant person in their life. I respect their decision and will certainly not bring it up to them now or at their wedding but my husband is going to address the issue afterwards.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

@kaos16 has some really great questions.

I should clarify my response. It sucks that your children aren't invited (sometimes makes decisions as parents difficult) and I don't think the handled the whole "well your one kid can come but not the other" well.

But everything that kaos asked is important.

kaos16 · August 2014

lws2009 said:

I honestly don't even remember who it was addressed to. Because I've been through the wedding process before, I do know to look at that and see what the invite says but I truthfully don't recall. Using these qualifiers together makes me think you really do know In fact, because it's out of state, we were buying flights before invitations were even sent, bc we just 100% knew we would be there since my husband was in the wedding. Did you call and ask whether children were going to be invited when you decided to buy tickets before getting the invitation? If not, you kinda made a pretty big assumption. The savings will be nice but I didn't care about the money since we were excited to attend such an important day. We only offered to cover cost bc they mentioned they were paying for the wedding themselves and they were trying to cut costs. I guess our feelings are hurt bc they invited one child and not the other and the other is supposed to be a significant person in their life. Again, not correct, but it almost seems like a knee jerk reaction from the groom when your husband mentioned that you couldn't leave the infant home. . . . they didn't invite either child.
I respect their decision and will certainly not bring it up to them now or at their wedding but my husband is going to address the issue afterwards. What do you think the benefit will be in bringing it up again?

SIB:
I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but I think this is something that you can't really do anything about. While it's a sucky feeling to know that your kids weren't included. . . . there isn't anything you can do about it now, or after the wedding takes place. If DH still wants to go, great. If you are able to join him, even better! If you choose to stay home because your children weren't invited the bride and groom shouldn't fault you for that. . . . . just as you shouldn't fault them for the lack of invitation for the kids.

lws2009 · August 2014

The only reason I don't recall is because by the time we got the invite, we had already received the call saying she wasn't invited. So when I got a wedding invitation in the mail, I didn't even look at it to see who was invited. I responded with my husbands attendance and that was it. So, no, I truthfully don't know. I agree that it was a pretty big assumption. We had had several conversations before this about us all coming and nobody mentioned it then so, yes, I assumed, especially since it's her godfather, that she would be invited. That's my mistake. The benefit to bringing it up is to avoid something like this in the future and to share our feelings with close friends of ours that we are hurt by this. After all, isn't that what friends should be able to do? Have an adult conversation about something? No there won't be another wedding but we feel like a godparent is a role you should take seriously. Why is someone of this importance being excluded? Not family, no, but I feel like a godchild should be lumped into that category. There's nothing we can do about it, yes. I just feel like the whole situation is a little messed up.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

lws2009 said:

The only reason I don't recall is because by the time we got the invite, we had already received the call saying she wasn't invited. So when I got a wedding invitation in the mail, I didn't even look at it to see who was invited. I responded with my husbands attendance and that was it. So, no, I truthfully don't know. I agree that it was a pretty big assumption. We had had several conversations before this about us all coming and nobody mentioned it then so, yes, I assumed, especially since it's her godfather, that she would be invited. That's my mistake. The benefit to bringing it up is to avoid something like this in the future and to share our feelings with close friends of ours that we are hurt by this. After all, isn't that what friends should be able to do? Have an adult conversation about something? No there won't be another wedding but we feel like a godparent is a role you should take seriously. Why is someone of this importance being excluded? Not family, no, but I feel like a godchild should be lumped into that category. There's nothing we can do about it, yes. I just feel like the whole situation is a little messed up.

They may not have made any decisions about the guest list at that point.

I am sorry that you were hurt but just because this person happens to be the godfather of one of your kids does not mean that your children are automatically invited. They invited in circles (from what I can tell) and kept it to family. Unfortunately a godchild does not equal blood family. And just because you feel that a godchild should be lumped into that category doesn't mean that they feel the same way.

I think you need to let this go. This is a good lesson for the future, that your kids will not always be invited to everything regardless of their relationship with the people in question.

lws2009 · August 2014

Okay! Thanks for the input.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

I'd be coming at this from a WHOLE different angle if the invitation was addressed to "Mr. and Mrs Smith and Family", but I'm going to bet a pretty penny it was just "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" - which means you and your husband ONLY.

If the latter, it's really rude to assume that your kids are invited and, then on top of that, put up a stink when they're not. I don't mean this harshly, but your kids aren't going to be invited to everything.

So from an etiquette perspective, you are in the wrong here. However, it sounds like you're emotionally hurt by this also since they are inviting nieces and nephews but not your child. You shouldn't be. All couples draw the line somewhere and it sounds like their line was drawn at family members. Godchildren don't make the cut in that scenario. Don't be emotionally hurt by that - it's not like they're trying to hurt your feelings. Let it goooo.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

lws2009 said:

Okay! Thanks for the input.

I will add that being upset about it is an okay feeling to have. Especially since you were looking forward to going and everything. But know that they most likely didn't do it (meaning not invite your kids) out of meanness or to be vindictive. That is the sucky part about planning a wedding. You have to make cuts somewhere and it could lead to some upset feelings by invitees.

lws2009 · August 2014

Okay this is not about them being invited to everything. Believe it or not, I do know they won't be included in absolutely everything. It's a big life event for them that other children are attending. If he didn't have an important role like this in her life, I wouldn't even argue this. We've been invited to another wedding that is strictly adults, with exception of flower girl and ring bearer. Feelings aren't at all hurt by that one. The fault (obviously from the above responses lies with me) is that I placed a higher esteem on her being his godchild and thinking that held more importance than just Mr and Mrs Smith's child being invited. Obviously I was wrong in assuming we were all going. I asked a question and got my response. To take it further then answering my question IS being rude. So leave the rudeness out of it.

lws2009 · August 2014

Maggie0829 said:

lws2009 said:

Okay! Thanks for the input.

I will add that being upset about it is an okay feeling to have. Especially since you were looking forward to going and everything. But know that they most likely didn't do it (meaning not invite your kids) out of meanness or to be vindictive. That is the sucky part about planning a wedding. You have to make cuts somewhere and it could lead to some upset feelings by invitees.

Thank you! I certainly don't think it was an intentional thing. But yes, feelings will get hurt somewhere and I understand that. I appreciate your sincerity in answering my questions.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

lws2009 said:

Okay this is not about them being invited to everything. Believe it or not, I do know they won't be included in absolutely everything. It's a big life event for them that other children are attending. If he didn't have an important role like this in her life, I wouldn't even argue this. We've been invited to another wedding that is strictly adults, with exception of flower girl and ring bearer. Feelings aren't at all hurt by that one. The fault (obviously from the above responses lies with me) is that I placed a higher esteem on her being his godchild and thinking that held more importance than just Mr and Mrs Smith's child being invited. Obviously I was wrong in assuming we were all going. I asked a question and got my response. To take it further then answering my question IS being rude. So leave the rudeness out of it.

No one was being rude.

banana468 · August 2014

I think you're reading further into the God parent relationship and thinking that it entitles you to something. The fact is that you aren't family and they probably had to cut somewhere. That the infant is invited isn't really true either is it? Your other post made it sound like they allowed the younger child due to age only.

You're allowed to feel hurt but you need to leave the hurt here on the thread. Unless the B&G rescinded an invitation, I think you made some assumptions that weren't correct. It's time to let it go and understand that a Godfather is allowed to get married without his God child present and that doesn't make him a bad guy.

lws2009 · August 2014

banana468 said:

I think you're reading further into the God parent relationship and thinking that it entitles you to something. The fact is that you aren't family and they probably had to cut somewhere. That the infant is invited isn't really true either is it? Your other post made it sound like they allowed the younger child due to age only. You're allowed to feel hurt but you need to leave the hurt here on the thread. Unless the B&G rescinded an invitation, I think you made some assumptions that weren't correct. It's time to let it go and understand that a Godfather is allowed to get married without his God child present and that doesn't make him a bad guy.

I needed you to say that. Bc he's not a bad guy. So thank you. I feel like my feelings are valid in being hurt but in the end it's not up to me. Thanks

QueerFemme · August 2014

I think the couple likely told your husband that you could bring the infant, because that's the child your husband indicated that you couldn't leave at home. I understand being hurt, but I don't think it's anything to bring up to the groom or the couple. They made a decision that your children weren't invited, and when your husband objected, they caved and allowed your infant to attend.

Some people don't want children at their wedding, or if they are including children, they only include actual biologically related children, often because they are guilted in to doing so by parents, grandparents, etc.

You could always consider going and asking the couple if they have any reputable babysitting recommendations to sit with your children in the hotel for a few hours, so you and your husband can attend.

Uninvited godchild...

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