Anyone have this situation?

[Deleted User] · August 2014

Have you ladies ever had someone that you just seemed to butt heads with - especially a family member? Have you ever felt like you just can't seem to find a way to communicate with the person?

My SIL and I seem to be unable to communicate very well lately. We've been swapping emails to plan Christmas with our H's side of the family for the last couple months and it's always about HER and THEIR NEEDS and THE BABY and how they are NOT PLANNERS - mind you my FIL passed away 6 months ago, so this is going to be a tough holiday for my MIL and the boys...I'm trying to make it easier. I've tried to be accommodating and allow them time to make decisions (for example providing them 6 different rental options and giving them 4 months to give me any thoughts/dates/budget before I book anything). She's always too busy and says they just aren't planners. OK - that's fine...we'll just make plans with H's mom and if they decide to join us there will be a room for them. Well AFTER I book the place MIL decides on they call and want to change the dates and make sure they have their own room. WHAT? You had 4 months to tell me what dates worked for you and if you'd looked at ANY of the rental listings I'd sent you you'd know that they are all 3 bedrooms...and the one we went with actually has 4. Whatever...I just let it roll off my back and changed the dates.

Well we were picking up the dog from my MIL's house Sunday after our camping trip and they happened to be visiting with the baby. We were so excited as she's already 2 months old and we haven't seen her since she was born. Turned out totally awkward. BIL kept saying "thanks for doing all the work", "the place looks awesome", "we really appreciate it"...which was super sweet, as well as asking about my work and how other things are going. However, SIL didn't have 2 words to say to me and when I did mention that the place we rented had a crib so they wouldn't have to pack that...she just snapped that they'd bring their own pack-n-play anyway. Alrighty then.

I sent her a text when we got home Sunday night saying what a beautiful family they have and how happy they looked...seemed like she was mad at me and if there was anything we needed to talk over just to give me a call...I'd been walking on egg shells with her the past couple months and I didn't want family get togethers to remain awkward. She finally texted me back at 4 am this morning that there was no problem, but she'd call later this week whenever she has a chance.

I'm trying to figure out what exactly I want to say to her. I care about H's family and I don't want to put a wall up with my SIL, but honestly I'm beginning to feel like if it's not about them, they don't make any effort. I'm tired of always hearing how busy they are and how they don't have time and they aren't planners. Either you care about this side of the family or you don't - and if you don't just be honest about it so we can all make our own plans. Why can't people just say what they mean instead of covering everything over with fake politeness???

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Ok - rant over. Sorry this ended up so long...but I just needed to get that all out of my system.

Blue & White · August 2014

Has it always been like this or is it possible PPD? I think it can manifest up to six months after birth and can appear as anxiety as well.

Most of my family members I butt heads with...well I can only think of one but I tend to ignore him most of the time. This is easy cause he lives in a different state.

Since it seems you want your SIL's relationship maybe you can offer an easy hangout with no talk of the planning. Of course "easy" is likely relative with a 2 month old.

And I probably wouldn't plan much for them in the near future. They don't sound particularly grateful.

I might come back to this. I feel like I'm being mean so you might want to read this with a grain of salt

[Deleted User] · August 2014

@Blue & White - I don't think you're being mean. You're probably right, it may be a PPD thing...however last year it was because they bought a house, the year before it was because they got married. I'm beginning to feel she is just always going to be more "important".

I've offered to drive up their way since the baby was born just to hang out and I give her dates we're free each month - but I never get a response.

I've maybe sent 5 emails about this Christmas thing in the past 4 months...so i don't think i'm pestering her...but maybe I'm wrong.

She's admitted to me at thanksgiving last year that she just doesn't like getting together with this side of the family. She and my MIL do have a strained relationship...so I think it's not so much that they aren't planners or that they're busy - but that she just doesn't want to spend the holiday with us.

I guess I'd just rather her say "we're going to do christmas on our own this year" than make this all so difficult. It would be easier for everyone if she'd just be honest about what she wants.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

This sounds a lot like one of my sisters. It's gotten to the point where I'm letting her reach out to me. I don't know my nieces as well as I could, but trying to keep up with her, and dealing with her terrible attitude, was absolutely draining. Sometimes, you just need to do what YOU want to do, and let them create their own drama. If they want to plan something (which it sounds like they won't), then you can show up to that. Otherwise, you might just be seeing them at larger family functions that they invite themselves to last minute, with them not being planners and all that.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

@EisleyJoGo - I completely agree...sometimes you just have to do your own thing. The only reason I'm maybe being a tad pushy this year is because it will be the first year H, MIL and BIL won't have their dad and I know it's going to be tough. It's also the first BIL/SIL have a kiddo...so I'm trying to be super accommodating. It will all work out. I think I just have to not plan on them for anything in the future and if they show up, great.

I guess it just makes me sad because my family is so close and I don't see any reason H's family can't be too. But maybe no everyone wants that...

Blue & White · August 2014

@allusive007‌ I hear you on the super close MY family thing. H's family is close to his moms side but doesn't speak to his dad's side (although his dad's brother came to our wedding which was amazingly less awkward than it could have been!)

I think you've got the right idea about it though - while you can make an effort this year it won't always have to be you making the sole effort. I would also lean towards something special this year but then maybe trying to establish a lowkey family tradition for next years holidays.

Also she is crazy about being weird after buying a house. Even with all the work, this house is amazing. Except I keep trying not to walk too loud in fear of the people under us hearing us stomping around....I really don't think the worms can hear us through the concrete foundation!

Anyone have this situation?

Re: Anyone have this situation?

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