This will be lengthy, but I really need to vent anonymously. I can't/don't want to talk about this with people I know.
So FI's parents drove across country to go to a family member's baby shower. His mom flew home because she had work and school, but his dad informed us that he would be coming down to see us for a day. We thought it was sort of odd since our state is out of the way on his route back home. But anyway, fast forward to last night. We went bowling, then to dinner, and then played some putt putt. Once dinner was over FFIL said "So the reason I came down here is because I have something to tell you guys. There's no easy way to say it, etc." And I'm thinking 'oh god, grandpa has cancer' or something. But no, he informed us that he was having an affair last year, which he said lasted for six months. He just told FI's mom a few weeks ago and says he is "working on it." (No explanation as to how; FMIL later told me that he won't go to counseling, even though he was a psych professor...)
He didn't go into much detail other than once he retired from the military he felt sort of lost and didn't know what he wanted out of life anymore. FI's mom decided to go back to school and finish her bachelor's and has now applied to PA school. His dad said that he didn't agree with her decision to start school a few years ago, because he was ready to retire and wanted to travel with her, but he chose to support her since she supported him through his military career. So he started his own business and works between 60 and 80 hours a week because he has nothing else to do. He is sad that after 9/11 happened his military career made him miss out on a lot of his family life and if he could go back he would have re-prioritized things.
The horrible part of this is that we know the WOMAN. We met her at Christmas when we were there and she came over to hang out a few times. She works at FMIL's office and was friends with FMIL before she ever even met FFIL. Once they all started hanging out more and more, FMIL became concerned about the woman and her relationship with FFIL, and said she told FFIL a few times that it made her uncomfortable, but he always dismissed her feelings. I didn't like this woman right off the bat when I met her a few months ago, she was very arrogant. And if the timeframe of the affair is exactly as FFIL told us, then the affair should have been 'over' when we were there at Christmas, yet this woman was obviously flirting with FI's dad in front of all of us and FI and I commented to each other then on how awkward it was.
To make matters worse, once FI's mom knew last night that we had been told, she texted me for an hour and a half just venting. I'm sure she is still emotional but she is not the type to make up drama. So she gave me a lot more detail than what FFIL gave us, including that he didn't actually tell her about the affair; she found out because her suspicions got so high that she confronted the woman, who eventually admitted it. Adding insult to injury, she said FFIL said that he liked the other woman's body type and I know this really hurt her self esteem. (FMIL is an absolutely gorgeous woman--not overweight by any means and very youthful looking--I always say I someday hope to look that good when I'm 50!) She said just in the past two weeks she's lost 20 pounds. She said she wants someone who adores her and she always considered herself blessed to have what she thought was such a good marriage. Ugh. I feel so bad for her.
This hurts FI and I because they were our biggest marriage role models. They are always so happy together when we see them, and their happiness makes us happier with each other. I don't know any other couples who have been married as long as they have that still tickle each other, and tease each other, and cuddle on the couch and such. We really looked up to them. They were basically us except 25 years older!
This hurts me because FI has almost the same exact personality as his dad, and so I'm worried now that I'm doomed for the same fate. They both tend to be 'overly friendly' sometimes with wanting to help people, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. They're both military and they care a little too much about what people think of them/keeping up their appearances. But this is something for me to discuss with my therapist. Ha.
I consider myself closer with FI's mom...since she was a military spouse she is very understanding and helpful about what I'll be going through. I like FI's dad fine, but a few years ago when my own dad died, FFIL tried a little too hard to step in and be my new father. So that kind of rubbed me the wrong way. He has sort of a 'know it all' attitude that bugs both FI and I. While FI is very similar to his dad, I think he gets along with his mom better too. He is the oldest son, so kind of a momma's boy...in a good way.
When we went to bed last night FI said "do you want to talk about this now?" I said no, we can discuss it later when we're both ready. I asked him if he was okay and he said "for now." He said he didn't see the point in yelling at his dad. (I could have very easily though! lol) FI just stared at the ceiling for a long time before finally falling asleep. He was asleep when his mom was texting me, so he doesn't know about that yet. I'm not going to tell him all of it, because I know they want to talk to each other, but I plan on giving him some more of the details that she gave me.
I couldn't look FFIL in the eyes after he told us. This morning when he left we hugged and I just said "I'm disappointed; I thought better of you. I hope you can work out your issues and I hope you and FMIL can work things out." Maybe kind of harsh, but I think he deserves some harshness, especially after the condensed explanation he gave us and his half-hearted apology. He will be back to visit at the end of this month, so I plan on talking with him more then and asking some things and sharing my feelings. I was just too shocked last night to say anything.
