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Rehearsal Dinner Invites

ilhp187ilhp187 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello! My FMIL and FFIL are hosting the rehearsal dinner (very generous!) but when we were talking about the guest list and I mentioned grandparents my FMIL said "no." I really thought that grandparents were supposed to be invited and I am extremely close with mine. My one set of grandparents have given us money towards the wedding and I lived with my other set of grandparents for 18 years so they are like second parents to me. I can't even imagine not having them there and I know that they all expect to be invited. I feel really bad because I know that they are paying for the dinner but I cannot not have my grandparents there, I think it would really hurt their feelings. Can I talk to my FILs about this or am I wrong? I would be more than happy to pay for my grandparents. Also, I know that they are paying for the dinner so they get the final say in everything which is fine, but they have not included us at all in the planning. My FFIL has tried asking our opinion but FMIL keeps insisting that we stay out of it. I don't really have any big requests, the only thing I really want is that steak not be served at the Rehearsal because we are serving steak the next day at the wedding. Is it okay to request this, too?
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Re: Rehearsal Dinner Invites

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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    ilhp187 said:
    Hello! My FMIL and FFIL are hosting the rehearsal dinner (very generous!) but when we were talking about the guest list and I mentioned grandparents my FMIL said "no." I really thought that grandparents were supposed to be invited and I am extremely close with mine. My one set of grandparents have given us money towards the wedding and I lived with my other set of grandparents for 18 years so they are like second parents to me. I can't even imagine not having them there and I know that they all expect to be invited. I feel really bad because I know that they are paying for the dinner but I cannot not have my grandparents there, I think it would really hurt their feelings. Can I talk to my FILs about this or am I wrong? I would be more than happy to pay for my grandparents. Also, I know that they are paying for the dinner so they get the final say in everything which is fine, but they have not included us at all in the planning. My FFIL has tried asking our opinion but FMIL keeps insisting that we stay out of it. I don't really have any big requests, the only thing I really want is that steak not be served at the Rehearsal because we are serving steak the next day at the wedding. Is it okay to request this, too?

    I don't know exactly what to tell you other than to (1) let your FI handle his parents and (2) be patient. My kid's FILs didn't want her aunts and uncles invited. The groom had three sets of grandparents and she had none. Eventually the FILs relented after their son kept bugging them. Same for the menu. Let him handle them.
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    SP29SP29 member
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    I don't think what you are asking is unreasonable. However, I would ask FI to deal with this on behalf of the both of you. They are his parents and he should cross those waters. He must present the situation as "we" though, not as him asking for you. 
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    I'd let them handle the menu, don't micro manage that. We had chicken, fish, and steak at the rehearsal dinner and at the wedding. But they were prepared differently, so it wasn't the same.

    My opinion is that the bride and groom get to choose the guest list for the rehearsal and the wedding. The people hosting are free to add people, or say they can only pay for X people, but I find it pretty rude to say no that person cannot be invited. My MIL asked us for a guest list (we only did bridal party, parents, and SO).
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    mysticlmysticl member
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    We didn't invite DH's grandparents (only one surviving set between us) to the rehearsal dinner.  Didn't even consider it because there was no need for them to be at the rehearsal.  So that could be where your FMIL is coming from. 

    Of course that doesn't mean they can't be invited.  Explain to your FI why it so important to you and then he can address it with his parents.  
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    traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
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    I think your grandparent request is totally reasonable and I would feel the same way in your shoes. I think you got some good advice to have FI present it to his parents as We not "me on her behalf". If they still say no, as a last ditch effort if it's not a non-negotiable, I would have FI tell them you will take care of their attendance or more preferably if you have the funds take over the rehearsal dinner yourselves. I wouldn't worry about dinner options most people won't even notice and those who do won't care. I love steak and would eat a filet mignon every night if it weren't so darn expensive!
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    SenecafSenecaf member
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    If you feel that strongly about it I would suggest FI speak to his parents. They don't really need to rehearse anything so they don't necessarily need to be there. It is nice you are trying to respect their budget by offering to pay for your grandparents but by allowing one additioon that opens the doors for more people to feel they should be/ or later, have been there. It sounds like FIs paretnts are trying to keep it small. Have him talk to them.
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    ilhp187ilhp187 member
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    Thanks everyone for the advice! I had him talk I them like many of you suggested and they are fine with my grandparents being invited!
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