I disapprove of the marriage - should I be a bridesmaid?

[Deleted User] · August 2014

One of my best friends recently became engaged to a horrible man. He is not nice to her and not nice to her 4 year-old son. I have voiced my concerns to her, which she heard but is still planning to go on with the wedding. I realize that this is her choice and I will respect that, but should I be a bridesmaid at a wedding that I don't agree with? My options are:

A) Be a bridesmaid under the knowledge that I am being supportive of HER and her needs as a bride. This would be easy enough, although because he is a very controlling groom, I know I will have to personally deal with him during the planning/coordinating processes of the wedding.

Decline, and explain that I don't feel right about standing up as a legal witness to something that I very much don't approve of. While I would still like to attend the wedding, and continue to keep her as a friend, I'm am worried she will take this personally and end our friendship.

Thoughts!?

Jen4948 · August 2014

If there's really no way you can be supportive of your friend's decision to marry this man, then it really doesn't make sense for you to be a bridesmaid. You'll be walking on eggshells the whole time, and that's not pleasant for anyone. She may well take your decision personally enough to end your friendship, but you can say to her, "I'm sorry to hear that, but I'll be here for you if you decide that you'd like to be friends again." If you say that to her, though, you'll need to follow through-and that means accepting whatever decision she makes about this marriage-including accepting this man as her husband.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

I vote for #2. You clearly don't approve of the marriage (not that I blame you, based on what you said), so it would be contradictory to stand by her side. I agree with Jen that you should do so delicately, and let her know that you still want to be there for her as a friend. Perhaps by your taking a stand, she may take a harder look at the relationship.

Good luck!

slothiegal · August 2014

I vote for B as well. In doing so, you act consistently with your feelings about the marriage, yet make clear that you still love her and value your friendship. The ball will in her court at that point.

Although it sounds like she already understands your feelings/concerns, so hopefully she won't be too shocked by that decision.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

I would not want to stand up in a wedding where I thought the groom treated my friend like shit and I thought she'd be unhappy with him.

This is a tough call because you will probably end up distancing yourself from your friend if you go with #2. In my experience, people who stay in unhealthy relationships don't exactly "see the light" when you refuse to support them in some way. Many times, their SO/FI will use it as an excuse to convince them you aren't really a good friend and the friendship will probably fizzle. Weigh your options carefully.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

Thanks, ladies!

In addition, if I decline, does that mean I decline invitations to the engagement party?

To be more clear, the bride-to-be is a great friend of both my husband and I. She told him that she planned on asking me, but has not done so yet. My gut reaction was, "why would she ask me when she knows we (husband and I) think this guy is horrible?!" But, she does not have many close friends and I feel bad if my decline means less fun, girly experiences for her. (Note: her parents also disapprove and I doubt they will be doing anything "fun" for her like dress shopping)

I guess I am torn because if she insists on getting married, I do honestly want it to be a good experience for her. She should have showers and champage and all those experiences that we dream about. However, I hate to stand by her side while she makes the worst decision of her life!

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I would vote for option B. I did something similar many years ago with a friend who found herself getting married because she became pregnant and his family pressured the marriage. There wasn't enough time for a shower or bachelorette party because she literally had a courthouse wedding to hide the pregnancy, but I wouldn't have taken part or tried to provide those experiences for her because I disapprove (and continue to) her husband. She and I are still friends but she knows that I wish she wouldn't have married her practically non-existent husband and understood at the time why I didn't go to the courthouse to witness the wedding.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

I wouldn't decline attending the wedding (assuming you are still invited). I just wouldn't be a bridesmaid.

Jen4948 · August 2014

lindseyinthesky said:

Thanks, ladies!

In addition, if I decline, does that mean I decline invitations to the engagement party?

Yes. I think that when you are declining to be in the wedding because you can't support the marriage, then you should decline to attend any events held in connection with the wedding. But I would continue to be willing to stay friends and resume friendship if it's cut off and then she contacts you with an offer to become friends again.

thisismynickname2 · August 2014

This is a tough one. My gut says go with B and decline, but what if she does need someone close to her throughout the engagement? (Not that you wouldn't be close as a normal friend, but as a member of the bridal party you might bear witness to more, if that makes sense.)

Horrible people tend to alienate folks from their loved ones and I hope that wouldn't happen by declining to be in the bridal party. One thing I'm missing from your post: did she actually ask you to be a BM or are you just anticipating being asked? If she knows you don't like him and still asks, then to me, that's an indicator that she still wants you to be around her for the experience and doesn't necessarily mind if you don't support him too.

This hasn't happened to me personally, but my best friend has stood up in two weddings where she really disliked the groom. Both times she stood up to support her friend, not the man her friend chose to marry.

Again, I vote B, but... good luck with your decision and best wishes to your friend.

larrygaga · August 2014

I am in a wedding in a few months and I can't stand the groom, how he treats her and all her family, how he treats their children and his general attitude towards life. I didn't tell her how I feel, because it's not really my business. I don't think this marriage will last because they have no real communication and they half hate each other. He is such a terrible person.

However, I love the bride dearly and I will support whatever choice she makes. I think you should too! If you tolerate him enough to still be her friend, it can't be that bad, can it? I don't think either you or I have the right to approve of anything. We should just be there for our friends.

ETA I realize I am completely in disagreement with other posters! That never happens! After reading some PP's, their suggests almost seem like making the bride choose between you and her fiance. Most likely she will always choose her fiance, as she should if she is going to marry him and be by his side forever. So your real choice is do you want to continue being her friend? Can you put up with him?

laceykeo · August 2014

Friend; you know I love you, and I'll always be here for you, but you also know I have my reservations about this guy/marriage, as I told you (time) ago.
I'm extremely honoured that you'd want me to be a bridesmaid, however, the meaning of a bridesmaid is that they stand there in support of your union, and I cannot do that.
If however, you understand that, I would love to be there in support of YOU. In support of our friendship going back (years), and our friendship continuing forward.
If you do not feel comfortable with me being there, knowing I do not support this wedding, I will happily continue our friendship, and will be "sadly busy with work/life/vacation on the day".

Or, something like that.

novella1186 · August 2014

I was in a horrible abusive relationship several years ago and my friends who couldn't stand to witness it stopped communicating with me. A few close friends stayed by my side even though they made it clear how much they hated my BF and couldn't stand watching him treat me like garbage. When I finally wised up and got out of the bad relationship, those few who stayed by my side were the only reason I made it through all that.

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to stand up as a BM. I wouldn't want to either, cuz it's basically like lying as far as I'm concerned. But if you go about it in a way like @wrongsideoftheocean mentioned, you can still be there for her and give her all your support without it being about the groom in any way. Staying by her side and being in the wedding even when you don't support the guy could end up making all the difference in the world. Trust me.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sucks.

ohannabelle · August 2014

novella1186 said:

I was in a horrible abusive relationship several years ago and my friends who couldn't stand to witness it stopped communicating with me. A few close friends stayed by my side even though they made it clear how much they hated my BF and couldn't stand watching him treat me like garbage. When I finally wised up and got out of the bad relationship, those few who stayed by my side were the only reason I made it through all that.

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to stand up as a BM. I wouldn't want to either, cuz it's basically like lying as far as I'm concerned. But if you go about it in a way like @wrongsideoftheocean mentioned, you can still be there for her and give her all your support without it being about the groom in any way. Staying by her side and being in the wedding even when you don't support the guy could end up making all the difference in the world. Trust me.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sucks.

Your friend is about to make a terrible mistake. All signs point to this man being emotionally abusive, which is a big ass red flag that things will get worse.

If you decide to take an "I don't approve" stand, this asshole will probably use it. You aren't her friend. You don't care about her. You want her relationship to fail blah blah blah. He can use it as an excuse to end your friendship, and isolate her from a relationship of genuine care and support.

I'd grit my teeth and be there for my friend. If he genuinely is abusive, you're playing right into his hand by not being there.

Everything Novella said, I could have written.

atlastmrsg · August 2014

I vote for a none of the above. Politely decline without lecturing your friend on whether you approve or not. "I am unable to attend that day, but I hope you have a lovely day."

danamw · August 2014

You can be everything to her, and not be a bridesmaid. Who says you can't go dress shopping with her, or anything else? You don't have to make some big statement about her FI. Just say you simply cannot be a bridesmaid, and be supportive of her otherwise.

Simply Fated · August 2014

You already told her you don't like the guy. Why drill it into her? You'll just give him more fuel to use against you.

Just let her know that you'll be unable to be a bridesmaid, but you would still love to go dress shopping, etc. Only if it's true, though.

Jen4948 · August 2014

ohannabelle said:

novella1186 said:

I was in a horrible abusive relationship several years ago and my friends who couldn't stand to witness it stopped communicating with me. A few close friends stayed by my side even though they made it clear how much they hated my BF and couldn't stand watching him treat me like garbage. When I finally wised up and got out of the bad relationship, those few who stayed by my side were the only reason I made it through all that.

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to stand up as a BM. I wouldn't want to either, cuz it's basically like lying as far as I'm concerned. But if you go about it in a way like @wrongsideoftheocean mentioned, you can still be there for her and give her all your support without it being about the groom in any way. Staying by her side and being in the wedding even when you don't support the guy could end up making all the difference in the world. Trust me.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sucks.

Your friend is about to make a terrible mistake. All signs point to this man being emotionally abusive, which is a big ass red flag that things will get worse.
If you decide to take an "I don't approve" stand, this asshole will probably use it. You aren't her friend. You don't care about her. You want her relationship to fail blah blah blah. He can use it as an excuse to end your friendship, and isolate her from a relationship of genuine care and support.
I'd grit my teeth and be there for my friend. If he genuinely is abusive, you're playing right into his hand by not being there.
Everything Novella said, I could have written.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with this.

The fact that the person they're marrying might abuse them is something that the person who is getting married needs to deal with by calling the police and having their FI arrested or by taking otherwise appropriate action. But "being there" for a friend who is about to enter an abusive relationship of their own volition does not require one to be a wedding attendant.

It does mean encouraging the other person to take the appropriate action, including seeking counseling, lending a sympathetic ear, and being willing to lend a helping hand if that person does decide to leave the relationship.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I would not be in the wedding or attend wedding-related events. I know you want her engagement to be fun, but honestly? What's fun about marrying a man who treats you and your child like garbage? People distancing themselves from the wedding planning might wake her up to what a marriage with him will be like. If people stick around her and put on a fake smile, she could interpret that as "everything is going to be fine and everyone will change and get along, I'll go with it" instead of "wow, if people can't stand to be around him now, what will holidays and gatherings and the future look like?"

When my friend dated a complete asshole, I still took her calls, her e-mails, and saw her when it was just us girls. But if he was involved, I wasn't, and I told her point blank why. You can still be a good friend without supporting a bad decision. You can be there for HER without being there for her relationship. So with that in mind, I would bow out of all wedding-related things. Remind her you're always there for her and would love to see / talk to her outside of all the wedding stuff.

We tell brides all the time on here that when a loved one has a shitty partner others can't stand to be around, that loved one will be excluded for making the decision to be in a unit with that shitty person. You have to start making those choices now.

MegEn1 · August 2014

I'm torn. On the one hand, what people are saying about being by her side and doing things to maintain the friendship, even when she is ruining her own life, is important.

On the other, I've lost a friend to a man who was emotionally abusive, mean, etc. Part of it was that I refused to pretend to like the guy when he was around. I wasn't going to lie to anyone - I didn't engage, and when he engaged me I was (what I felt) polite but curt. He used that against me, telling her all the time about how much I hated him and how mean I was, etc. etc. Eventually the friend and I went our own ways, and to this day she hates me with the fire of a thousand suns because she still believes I was the problem.

The whole experience taught me a lot about myself, how I don't have to lie to pretend I like something when I don't, etc. But it cost me a friend who used to come home from her boyfriend's with bruises on her arms. I don't know what's going on with her now but I wasn't strong enough to lie to stay by her side and wait for her to want a change. Because nothing is going to change until she decides to change it.

It was a decision I made. I'm not sure it's the wrong one, but it had consequences.

Best of luck with yours.

badbnagdway · August 2014

I don't necessarily disagree with the posters who have said that you should decline. If that's what you need to do to have a clear conscience, do it.

But, devil's advocate, and dovetailing off of other things said above I don't think declining to be a bm or telling her you disapprove is likely to change anything, except you will lose the friendship (if not immediately over time). Unless she is different from every other person I've ever witnessed in similar situations, a friend telling her she is making a mistake will not stop her from making the mistake now that she has decided to marry this man. Even if you are proven right and she realizes eventually this is a bad guy, you will in all likelihood not get the friendship back.

abbyj700 · August 2014

Sometimes the best way to be a friend is to be honest and direct, no matter if it will hurt someone. Sometimes the best way is to smile, be supportive and stand behind them - even as they make the wrong decisions in their life. What time is this for you? What do you think will benefit her the most?

And I know you say he is terrible, and he really might be. BUT the best advice my mother has always told me is "you don't know what happens behind closed doors - the only people fit to a judge a relationship are those in it." I truly believe that - that only the people who are a part of every fight, of every make-up, of every moment - truly understand the relationship. It's not our right to judge.

Jen4948 · August 2014

abbyj700 said:

Sometimes the best way to be a friend is to be honest and direct, no matter if it will hurt someone. Sometimes the best way is to smile, be supportive and stand behind them - even as they make the wrong decisions in their life. What time is this for you? What do you think will benefit her the most?

And I know you say he is terrible, and he really might be. BUT the best advice my mother has always told me is "you don't know what happens behind closed doors - the only people fit to a judge a relationship are those in it." I truly believe that - that only the people who are a part of every fight, of every make-up, of every moment - truly understand the relationship. It's not our right to judge.

I don't agree that it's not our right to judge. We may not know what goes on behind closed doors, but if we see that our friends always have injuries that appear to come from being battered and that when we're together with them and their partners and the partners mock them, make insulting comments, or even strike them in our presence, then it does become our right to judge and we have the right, even the duty, to let our friends know that we don't approve of what their partners are doing to them, to urge them to seek help, and even to offer it if that's within the realm of reasonable possibility. We definitely have the right to not be willing to attend their weddings, let alone be in their wedding parties.

That said, good friends would continue to be available to such friends outside their weddings and wedding planning and to lend helping hands so they can free themselves of those relationships.

MuppetOverlord · August 2014

I would decline to be in the wedding party, but I would go to the wedding. Since you've made your viewpoint known on the matter, I would also not be available to support this friend for marriage-related issues in the future.

My friend said something to me once that always stuck with me because it made the most sense. Upon advising me of her concerns with a controlling man I was dating and hearing my response that I was going to see what happens with him, she said "Ok, well I'm telling you this now because quite frankly, it's a bad decision and I don't want to hear about it later". She was in essence, telling me up front that she was not going to be available to me on that topic in the future. I appreciated the directness and perspective, particularly since I've been the friend on the other side many times that was sick of holding someone together after the consequences of them not listening to reason.

larrygaga · August 2014

MuppetOverlord said:

I would decline to be in the wedding party, but I would go to the wedding. Since you've made your viewpoint known on the matter, I would also not be available to support this friend for marriage-related issues in the future.

My friend said something to me once that always stuck with me because it made the most sense. Upon advising me of her concerns with a controlling man I was dating and hearing my response that I was going to see what happens with him, she said "Ok, well I'm telling you this now because quite frankly, it's a bad decision and I don't want to hear about it later". She was in essence, telling me up front that she was not going to be available to me on that topic in the future. I appreciated the directness and perspective, particularly since I've been the friend on the other side many times that was sick of holding someone together after the consequences of them not listening to reason.

Your sig pic made me laugh and say WTF out loud. You made my morning.

abbyj700 · August 2014

I must really have missed the part where the OP said that this man is abusive. She said he's horrible and didn't really elaborate. Maybe he's absent often, maybe he cheats, maybe he's abusive, maybe he's rude to all of her friends, maybe she's often complaining about how he never cleans, isn't outwardly loving and anything else. My point is - all she said is he is horrible - no defintion.

And if you see someone strike someone else..that's not judging peoples private lives - that's illegal. Not at all the same thing.

MegEn1 · August 2014

abbyj700 said:

I must really have missed the part where the OP said that this man is abusive. She said he's horrible and didn't really elaborate. Maybe he's absent often, maybe he cheats, maybe he's abusive, maybe he's rude to all of her friends, maybe she's often complaining about how he never cleans, isn't outwardly loving and anything else. My point is - all she said is he is horrible - no defintion.

And if you see someone strike someone else..that's not judging peoples private lives - that's illegal. Not at all the same thing.

I am perfectly fine judging people ... to an extent. I also don't see anything wrong with it. We all have our morals, our standards, and it's not wrong to hold people to them - the majority of us have pretty similar standards anyway. Like don't emotionally abuse your spouse. It's not a radical belief.

People who hold others to insanely high standards get judged themselves as well. It all rather balances itself out.

Bottom line is that I don't throw stones, I just throw shade. And I'm cool with that.

Jen4948 · August 2014

abbyj700 said:

I must really have missed the part where the OP said that this man is abusive. She said he's horrible and didn't really elaborate. Maybe he's absent often, maybe he cheats, maybe he's abusive, maybe he's rude to all of her friends, maybe she's often complaining about how he never cleans, isn't outwardly loving and anything else. My point is - all she said is he is horrible - no defintion.

And if you see someone strike someone else..that's not judging peoples private lives - that's illegal. Not at all the same thing.

Mocking and insulting people in the presence of others counts as abusive. Whether or not the OP said that, and whether she thinks it's horrible, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to judge if she witnessed it personally. If I witness it personally, you better believe I'm going to judge it.

I disapprove of the marriage - should I be a bridesmaid?

Re: I disapprove of the marriage - should I be a bridesmaid?

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