Whether or not to invite "absentee father?"

Re: Whether or not to invite "absentee father?"

• holyguacamole79 member

  

  August 2014

  Knottie51846137 said:

  My fiance and I are planning a wedding short notice. We have loved one another for years and are ready to make it official!

  
  

  However, my father who has been in and out of my entire life recently showed his true colors again.  He knows what he did was the last straw.  He knows messed up. I do not want him there judging me.  I cannot imagine sharing a father-daughter dance with him, even if this had not just happened.

  
  

  I would have NO problem not inviting him to my wedding.  It would make life soooo much simpler. But it isn't just him, I have a half sister and brother of whom I know the sister would be crushed if she were not there.  There is also his sister and my 3 cousins to consider.  I would love for them to be able to join.  

  
  

  Any ideas on how to go about who I should invite?  Any personal experiences? I've been trying to make this decision alone, but the fact of not having anyone there to represent my father's side is killing me...

  
  This is a decision you need to make independent of what your siblings will think (unless they are paying for the wedding). Also, just because you invite your dad does not mean that you automatically have to invite his sister & your cousins. On the other hand, if you do not include your dad, I would not invite his sister & her kids.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• chibiyui member

  

  August 2014

  Invite your half sister, aunt and cousins. Don't invite him. If your aunt wants to ask why your dad isn't invited, you can either tell her why or say you'd prefer to keep it private. If you're worried your dad will show up uninvited due to your aunt sharing that information, hire security. If you're aunt is insulted that you didn't inivte your dad, she doesn't have to attend.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2014

  Don't invite or not invite someone based on whether or not someone who is not this person's SO will be hurt if you do not.
  
  You can invite your other relatives without inviting your father if you really don't want to invite him.  Yes, it is possible that your decision not to invite him (if that's what you decide) could impact on your future relationships with your relatives.  But there is no etiquette rule prohibiting you from not inviting them if you don't invite him.
  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  August 2014

  You do not have to invite him. Your aunts/uncles and half-siblings can get invites and choose to attend or not. I don't know your story/history, but if you say you don't want him there, I would not invite him.

  
  

  Even if you do invite him, it doesn't mean you need to have him walk you down the aisle, do the "give away", do spotlight dances, etc. You don't need to do any of that. He could attend just like any other guest. 

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2014

  Are your half-siblings minors?  If they are, you may need to decide on inviting your father and the half-siblings, since how else would they get to the wedding.  But if your half-siblings are legal adults or live without your father, then you can invite them without having to invite your father (just invite their guardian instead of your father). 

  Ditto southernbelle, even if you do invite him, he does not need to be treated as the FOB.  He can attend like any other guest.  He doesn't need to escort you down the aisle or have a spotlight dance with you.  If you do invite him, make sure your DJ knows that he should not get the microphone or try to squeeze in an unplanned father/daughter dance.

  

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• lessonlearnedinmay member

  

  August 2014

  This is your wedding and your day.  You and your FI should have invite people you want there.
  

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• banana468 member

  

  August 2014

  Do the half-siblings live with your dad?   That would be the only issue with not inviting your dad if you wanted them there.   Otherwise just send the invitations to those you want to attend. 

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• jackannlu member

  

  August 2014

  If he knows what he did is the last straw, then I don't think he would even be expecting an invite, especially since he's been in and out of your life. I agree with PPs, only invite your siblings and cousins if they are adults and live separate from your father. You could invite him to the wedding as a regular guest, but I would imagine that would be more difficult and stressful for you than not having him there at all.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2014

  If you invite him at all, I think you're fine just inviting him as a regular guest.
  
  But since it sounds like you don't want to invite him at all, that's fine too.
  
  You can invite your other relatives without your father.  Your half-sister will have to get over it.  If she chooses not to come because your father isn't there, that's her issue.  You don't have to invite him just so she won't be "crushed."
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO INVITE HIM. I am in the same situation. My father has been in and out my whole life. About 2 years ago was the last straw and we haven't spoken. Since then he had my sister give a "congrats" card with money. I do not feel guilty not inviting him still. I dont want him and his wife's money. And money is not and never will be an apology. He doesn't know anything about my wedding and that is exactly how I am keeping it. I couldn't imagine having him walk me down the aisle or sharing a dance. My FFIL has pressured me to invite my father saying that "one day I will regret it" (no I wont). Nobody knows your feelings better than you. 

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• bremnerschmitz member

  

  October 2014

  Both my fiancee and I had to go through this decision.  My fiance's hadn't spoken to his dad for 3 years, and he chose to use the wedding as an opportunity to gradually let his father back in, and will be inviting him, but is not including him in the wedding party in any way.

  
  

  I decided a long time ago that my father would not be invited whenever I got married.  He died 3 years ago, so its no longer a decision to be made, but I did have to decide about his side of the family, whom I haven't spoken to in years.  My mom helped me finally decide to invite them. She pointed out that not inviting them was a pretty big statement that I didn't want them in my life, and that's a statement I wouldn't be able to take back.

  
  

  Trust yourself - it's your relationship with your father, so you know what you're going to be comfortable with.  You can easily invite him and not include him in the traditional fathers tasks.  Have him involved to the exact level you feel comfortable with.

  If you're up to doing it, it helped my fiance to have a non-wedding get together for a beer with his dad before the real wedding. That let my fiancee decide if the relationship with his dad was one he wanted to continue and gave them a lower-pressure environment before the wedding.

  
  

  But if you decide not to invite him, that's your choice. Your family members will have to deal.  Maybe talk with them before the wedding and tell them why he wont be there, but don't let them sway your decision.  You know best if he's a person you want around you on that day

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