Question About If I Should Invite?

themosthappy91 · August 2014

Hi all- I have a question about if I should invite certain people to my wedding... not really an etiquette issue per say but need to get a general impression.

I live in Virginia. Almost all of my dad's (rather large) family still lives in Hawaii, where he is from. I haven't seen many of them in over 6 years (wow... I just realized as I wrote this how long it's actually been). I have many relatives from there that I want to invite to my wedding, but I know realistically they do not have the financial means to come. My dad doesn't want me to invite them at all because he thinks it will look like fishing for gifts, since it's very unlikely they could attend. I feel like I want to invite them because I do wish they could be there and some unrealistic part of me thinks maybe some of them would want to come out, but I'm terrified of looking like I'm "fishing for gifts" also and so I do see my dad's point. I just love my family, despite not having seen or talked to many of them in so long, and know I would be touched to receive an invite to a wedding out there if it were the other way around, even though I probably couldn't make it.

So what do you all think? To invite or not invite? Thanks in advance!

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

ElizabethAdeline91 said:

Hi all- I have a question about if I should invite certain people to my wedding... not really an etiquette issue per say but need to get a general impression.

I live in Virginia. Almost all of my dad's (rather large) family still lives in Hawaii, where he is from. I haven't seen many of them in over 6 years (wow... I just realized as I wrote this how long it's actually been). I have many relatives from there that I want to invite to my wedding, but I know realistically they do not have the financial means to come. My dad doesn't want me to invite them at all because he thinks it will look like fishing for gifts, since it's very unlikely they could attend. I feel like I want to invite them because I do wish they could be there and some unrealistic part of me thinks maybe some of them would want to come out, but I'm terrified of looking like I'm "fishing for gifts" also and so I do see my dad's point. I just love my family, despite not having seen or talked to many of them in so long, and know I would be touched to receive an invite to a wedding out there if it were the other way around, even though I probably couldn't make it.

So what do you all think? To invite or not invite? Thanks in advance!

Who's paying for the wedding?

kimberly0315 · August 2014

I would invite them. If they are people you would want there then I think you should send them an invitation. An invitation does not mean they have to give you a gift. Maybe some will come? Regardless, make sure you are prepared for them to come even if you don't think they will when planning for your wedding (in terms of budget and venue accommodation) Who knows what will happen.

mysticl · August 2014

I would invite them. The flip side of your dad's argument is that they could be hurt by not getting an invite.

emcme22 · August 2014

I agree with inviting them. I agree with @mysticl‌ that some people may be hurt by not getting an invite, even if they wouldn't be able to go. Also if I found out that I was only not invited because it was thought I might not have the financial means to attend I think I would be a little offended and possibly feel like people were judging how I spend my money since they determined if travel was within my budget.

My vote is a majority of the time if you genuinely want them there and have the space and money to appropriately accommodate them should they attend, then invite then.

AddieCake · August 2014

Depends on who is paying and what your family dynamic is.

MobKaz · August 2014

emcmac87 said:

I agree with inviting them. I agree with @mysticl‌ that some people may be hurt by not getting an invite, even if they wouldn't be able to go. Also if I found out that I was only not invited because it was thought I might not have the financial means to attend I think I would be a little offended and possibly feel like people were judging how I spend my money since they determined if travel was within my budget. My vote is a majority of the time if you genuinely want them there and have the space and money to appropriately accommodate them should they attend, then invite then.

I agree with this.

We invited OOT family who we did not expect to attend. They did. We were not going to send an invitation to an elderly, in poor health aunt who lives across the country. We heard from her husband that they fully expected an invitation.

If you take the gift factor out of the equation, what would you do?

twitterbird · August 2014

I'm having this issue as well. FI has 2 uncles (his father's brothers) who live in other provinces. We had them on our list until FFIL told FI not to invite them. FI took them off the list but I still think we should send the invitation. Its up to him though. Personally I would invite them if you want them to be there and not worry about the gift thing. Some people just like to get the invite.

mysticl · August 2014

When I was getting ready to send out invites I contacted a friend to get her updated address. She was pregnant and didn't think they could come but said that if the baby came early (but not too early) they would be there. She ended up giving birth on my wedding day so they obviously didn't make it but the point was she still really wanted to be there and would have been if at all possible. I'm sure she would have been hurt if I decided for her that her pregnancy meant she could not attend.

JellyBean52513 · August 2014

AddieCake said:

Depends on who is paying and what your family dynamic is.

I agree with this point. Maybe your dad knows better, and he knows these particular relatives will judge you for sending them an invitation. Maybe he's even heard them say "By the way, did you know so-and-so sent me an invitation to his wedding just last week? We haven't even seen him in years, he's obviously just looking for a gift!" If you haven't seen these relatives in so many years, maybe they act/think a certain way that you aren't privy to but your dad knows them well.

I generally agree with the mentality that you should invite people to your wedding that you genuinely want there, and obviously we here all know that an invite is not a subpoena nor is it required that gifts are given for weddings. However, for as many times as we have to say that to posters here, that alone illustrates how many people DO think invites are subpoenas and DO think that gifts are expected upon receiving a wedding invitation. Trust your gut and maybe ask your dad, "I know we haven't seen each other in years, but I do really miss Aunt Jane and I'd love for her to attend the wedding. Do you think she'd really look negatively upon me sending her an invite?"

thelastdreamer · August 2014

My mom didn't want me to send invitations to some of her friends who live far from our wedding location for the same reason.

Guess what? They're coming.

Ndelible · August 2014

I think of it this way, there is worrying that they may think of an invite as gift grabby or they may have hurt feelings and think that I don't want them at the ceremony. I'd rather they think (erroneously) that the invite is a GG rather than them feel hurt that I didn't care enough for them to want them at my wedding. I would reach out and advise them (via phone) that I'm getting married and I'd love for them to come, if they can; invite to follow regardless. IMO, the personal touch would bolster the love behind the invite. Good luck.

SachaBee · August 2014

@ndelible, that is a great suggestion!

AddieCake · August 2014

I guess I'm also curious why you want to invite people you admittedly haven't talked to "in so long." Not seeing due to distance is one thing, but I never understand inviting people you don't even talk to regularly.

lotsosandwiches · August 2014

I felt awkward about inviting family from far away too, for the same reason. I love all my extended family but they live far away and for that reason, I haven't seen them in many years too!

But I did invite them all anyway and a few of them are actually coming all the way out for the wedding! And others let me know they were super excited to have gotten an invite. Many people who decline invitations still don't give gifts. It sounds like you genuinely want them there and want them to feel included so you should totally invite them.

Knottie98479982 · August 2014

I would definitely invite them. I'm in a similar situation where tons of family live out of the country and all over the US. Inviting them would make them feel a part of your day, and honestly, I think it would be the polite thing to do whether they will be able to make it or not. I don't see it as you "fishing for gifts". I would actually take offense to it if I didn't get invited.

melbenso · August 2014

I sent an invitation to my out of town 102 year old great aunt, knowing that she wouldn't be able to make it. It made her very happy to get the invitation.

MandyMost · August 2014

I suggest you send the invitations, but you have it spread by word-of mouth somehow that you understand not everyone will be able to come and you absolutely are not expecting any gifts, even if someone is able to make it. Whether slyly through social media, or through your parents who maybe speak to the family more, etc. Just make sure people know what your intentions are.

downtondiva · August 2014

While I like that you're being considerate of how tough it would probably be for them to get to your wedding, I think it's generally better to let people decide for themselves whether to accept an invitation, as they know their bank accounts, work schedules, etc. better than you do. If you really want these relatives to come to your wedding, I say go ahead and invite them and let them decide whether they want to attend or not (and whether or not to send a gift if they decline).

themosthappy91 · August 2014

AddieCake said:

I guess I'm also curious why you want to invite people you admittedly haven't talked to "in so long." Not seeing due to distance is one thing, but I never understand inviting people you don't even talk to regularly.

It's just the family dynamic that we have going on- it's very difficult to talk on the phone due to the huge time difference, and many of my relatives have difficulty hearing/being understood on the phone anyway (due to being older- for reference, I was a late-in-life baby for my father, who was 48 when I was born, so his siblings- my aunts and uncles, the people in question here- are all in their 60s and 70s). The rest just plain don't like talking on the phone (I'm sure you know the type who gets anxious about that sort of thing). I keep in touch via Facebook with those who are on there (the younger ones), though that's not many. In short, they live in an old-fashioned world where the people you talk to are the people you see in person (probably why no one else in the family besides my father ever left the island- they all basically live on the same street with houses right next to each other). But they are my family and I would love them forever even if I never spoke to them again, as crazy as that sounds... maybe it's just an "ohana" thing :P. Anyway, count yourself lucky if you've never had a loved one living far away who it's difficult for you to keep in touch with!

As for everyone else, this is great advice and I really appreciate all the input. I think the majority of you are right that if I truly want them there (and can accommodate them) I should extend the invitation and hope they know it's coming from a place of love and not expectation.

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