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I want my BFF to be MOH but she's being a poor friend

RukisaRukisa member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Party
I recently got engaged and my Fiance and I have been discussing the bridal party. Both of us are in a similar situation, our "Best friends," who we would like to be MOH and Best Man have been really flaky for months.

My friend "R" and I have been having some serious issues. She blows off plans with me to go hang out with her other friend, she ignores me during parties, never texts me, etc. About a month or two ago we discussed these issues, and she claims that she will work on it (and I will work on the things she brought up), but as of yet, I have not seen any advancement.

Unfortunately my Fiance has been having the similar issues with his friend "T". He'll try to call to chat and T never answers or calls back. T has taken up a new hobby with a bunch of new friends and seems to have left my poor Fiance in the dust. We haven't even gotten a chance to tell T that our engagement is official yet!

We both love and respect these people, and for the longest time have always wanted them by our sides when we go married, but now with how things are with both of them, we are at an impasse. I know both R and T will be upset if they don't get asked to be MOH and BM, but what are we to do if they are going to be so unreliable? Maybe they will come through once asked, but what if they continue to be poor friends throughout all the planning?

If we do ask them, and they don't pull through, is it rude to ask them to step down? We could maybe avoid all this and just have family in the wedding party, but our family is mainly men, there are not many women for the Bridal Party.
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Re: I want my BFF to be MOH but she's being a poor friend

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    RukisaRukisa member
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    Thanks for the advice, we still have a long way to go. Picking the WP is one of the fun parts though! I guess we will have to wait until we are closer to the date :)
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    manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Rukisa said:
    I recently got engaged and my Fiance and I have been discussing the bridal party. Both of us are in a similar situation, our "Best friends," who we would like to be MOH and Best Man have been really flaky for months.

    My friend "R" and I have been having some serious issues. She blows off plans with me to go hang out with her other friend, she ignores me during parties, never texts me, etc. About a month or two ago we discussed these issues, and she claims that she will work on it (and I will work on the things she brought up), but as of yet, I have not seen any advancement.

    Unfortunately my Fiance has been having the similar issues with his friend "T". He'll try to call to chat and T never answers or calls back. T has taken up a new hobby with a bunch of new friends and seems to have left my poor Fiance in the dust. We haven't even gotten a chance to tell T that our engagement is official yet!

    We both love and respect these people, and for the longest time have always wanted them by our sides when we go married, but now with how things are with both of them, we are at an impasse. I know both R and T will be upset if they don't get asked to be MOH and BM, but what are we to do if they are going to be so unreliable? Maybe they will come through once asked, but what if they continue to be poor friends throughout all the planning?

    If we do ask them, and they don't pull through, is it rude to ask them to step down? We could maybe avoid all this and just have family in the wedding party, but our family is mainly men, there are not many women for the Bridal Party.
    When is your wedding? For now, in regard to your bridal party, just hold off on asking until about 6-8 months out. Just see how the friendships go in the next few months, have your conversations about feeling left out, call her to see if she wants to catch brunch with you, etc. Just feel out the friendships and the direction they are going. Sometimes friendships just naturally dwindle, which can be hard. So just don't ask yet.

    I also think you need to separate the friend issue from the MOH/BM issue. Don't think about whether you want these people dressed up and in your photos just yet. Think about how you want your friendship with them to look in the future. Do you want to stay friends? Do you want to have more conversations about where this behavior is coming from? Think about whether you want T and R to be a big part of your lives if their behavior doesn't really change.

    Also, I get the feeling you think BM and MOH have duties throughout the wedding process. Their only duties is to get the proper attire and show up in it on time, sober, and ready to smile for pictures. So don't pick your BP based on who you think would be the most helpful during planning. As long as they are willing to do that, they are pulling through.

    You can ask them to step down later, but you'll probably look like a bridezilla and the friendship will most likely be permanently ended. I think asking a BP member to step down is an acceptable option only in the most extreme cases (BM tried to make a move on you, MOH physically assaulted you). Not helping with planning is not a reason for anyone to have to step down. Also, you can have men on your side if you have male relatives you are close with.


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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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     What do you need them to be reliable about? If they get the right clothes, and show up on time, they're good to go. If they don't, they chose not to be in the wedding. Oh, well. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Wait until closer to the wedding to ask anyone.

    Also, I don't understand what you're worried about. As long as they buy the dress you choose (in a budget you ask ahead of time) and show up to the wedding sober, their flakiness doesn't matter. Are you expecting that they help you with planning, throwing parties, crafting, etc?
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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    When is your wedding? It's fine to discuss this with your FI, but don't ask anyone to be in your wedding party for a while. Relationships change. 

    Don't rely on your wedding party to help you plan the wedding, throw parties, etc. It's nice if they do, but it isn't required. The only thing the wedding party absolutely has to do is show up to the wedding on time, sober, and in the right attire. Having said that, it sounds like right now, you and your FI wouldn't count on these friends to do that. I think you need to see over the next few months if they reconnect with you guys and become more reliable about non-wedding stuff like keeping plans, responding to texts, etc. before you can really decide if you can count on them to show up on your wedding day.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    DO NOT pick your wedding party until about 9 months away from your wedding!  Meanwhile, educate yourself on expectations. 
    No one will be as excited about your wedding as the two of you are.  To expect this is unrealistic.
    The MOH and Best Man's duties are to show up, sober, dressed appropriately, smile for the camera, stand next to you holding the bouquet/rings as you say your vows.  That is all that is required of them.  Any articles you read that say they must throw you parties or help you with wedding planning are written by the wedding industry, and are not accepted etiquette.  (This includes articles on The Knot magazine and website!) 
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    janeywoo1978janeywoo1978 member
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    People get bored of other peoples wedding plans.Period! Thats probably why they have have been distant. Sometimes its jealousy as well so don't go on about it all the time, they won't appreciate it. Start been a good friend and build up the bond again before all the wedding talk. Good luck x 
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