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One BM is out, another is on the fence. HELP!

mrswolverinemrswolverine member
First Comment
in Wedding Party
Serious situation here. My best friend of 17 years decided to bow out on me through a text message less than 3 months before my wedding. She got a job in L.A. and doesn't think she'll be able to make it, but expected me to save her a spot just in case she can (I told her I couldn't play it by ear in hopes that she'd make it). The next day ANOTHER BM sent me a text saying she and her boyfriend (one of my fiance's groomsman) had broken up and wasn't sure if he'd still want her there. I told her we still wanted her to share our day with us, and she agreed, but I'm terrified she'll change her mind last minute. All of my BMs have purchased their dresses (including the one who completely bowed out). My remaining BMs are my fiance's sisters. I am very hurt and stressed by this chain of events, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Any advice?
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Re: One BM is out, another is on the fence. HELP!

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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrswolverine said:
    Serious situation here. My best friend of 17 years decided to bow out on me through a text message less than 3 months before my wedding. She got a job in L.A. and doesn't think she'll be able to make it, but expected me to save her a spot just in case she can (I told her I couldn't play it by ear in hopes that she'd make it). The next day ANOTHER BM sent me a text saying she and her boyfriend (one of my fiance's groomsman) had broken up and wasn't sure if he'd still want her there. I told her we still wanted her to share our day with us, and she agreed, but I'm terrified she'll change her mind last minute. All of my BMs have purchased their dresses (including the one who completely bowed out). My remaining BMs are my fiance's sisters. I am very hurt and stressed by this chain of events, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Any advice?
    Yikes, this would disappoint me, too. There's not much you can do regarding either of them. I would definitely save the spot for your best friend if she can make it, though. The only other advice I have is to NOT replace these women in your bridal party. It would be rude to both the women who chose to bow out as well as to the "new" BMs.




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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    What's to be terrified of?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    There's really no problem here.  It stinks and is disappointing their life situations have changed and they may not be able to participate in your wedding but that doesn't change what you do at all.  You don't need to recruit replacement bridesmaids, you don't need to stress about uneven sides. 

    Tell your friend you just need to know by X day for catering and seating plans.  If she can't come, see if you can Skype/Facetime/Google Chat her in for the ceremony.  Let the bridesmaid with the break-up take a little time to get her head together; make sure she doesn't wind up paired with, seated next to, or otherwise slotted in with her ex.  Trust that as adults they'll be able to be civil and calm for your wedding day. 

    A good photographer will stage your pictures well even if there are two fewer bridesmaids than groomsmen.  Everyone can process in and out individual or in groups of three rather than two.

    FWIW, DH's brother and one of his best men wound up called up for active duty right before our wedding.  It was super depressing that he couldn't join us, but we didn't alter our plans or bridal party at all.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    There is really nothing to handle.  It sucks that two of your BMs have decided that they may not be able to make it, but there is really nothing that you can do.  If they decide to come then they come and take their places by you during your ceremony.  If they can't come then you will just have to enjoy the attendance of your other BMs.

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrswolverine said:
    Serious situation here. My best friend of 17 years decided to bow out on me through a text message less than 3 months before my wedding. She got a job in L.A. and doesn't think she'll be able to make it, but expected me to save her a spot just in case she can (I told her I couldn't play it by ear in hopes that she'd make it).   Um, why can't you?  Especially if she already has her attire?  Honestly, what difference does it make if she shows up to your wedding. . . you should be thrilled!  I don't get it.  The next day ANOTHER BM sent me a text saying she and her boyfriend (one of my fiance's groomsman) had broken up and wasn't sure if he'd still want her there. I told her we still wanted her to share our day with us, and she agreed, but I'm terrified she'll change her mind last minute. All of my BMs have purchased their dresses (including the one who completely bowed out). My remaining BMs are my fiance's sisters. I am very hurt and stressed by this chain of events, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Any advice?  Yeah, chill and go get a glass of wine.   What is there for you to get stressed out about?  Nothing!  If these girls are able to be in the wedding and show up ready to go the day of, you should be thrilled.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You are worried about having even sides, aren't you?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    mrswolverinemrswolverine member
    First Comment
    Thanks to the people that were civilized, it's good to see some kindness still exists in this pit we call the internet. Not sure why I was so surprised at the negative feedback; I suppose there are still trolls in these parts.
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrswolverine said:
    Thanks to the people that were civilized, it's good to see some kindness still exists in this pit we call the internet. Not sure why I was so surprised at the negative feedback; I suppose there are still trolls in these parts.
    A little tip, dear. The only uncivilized reaction in this thread was your kicking your bridesmaid out when she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it. I also don't understand why you were surprised to get a negative response to such treatment of your supposed friend.

    Also, I don't think you understand what a troll is. They post deliberately inflammatory remarks in hopes of stirring up shit on message boards. No one did that here.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    mrswolverine said:
    Thanks to the people that were civilized, it's good to see some kindness still exists in this pit we call the internet. Not sure why I was so surprised at the negative feedback; I suppose there are still trolls in these parts.
    I am really unsure of what post or posts were uncivilized.  You asked a question and we gave you some blunt answers.  But no one was rude or uncivilized.  Just because you don't like what you hear or read because it doesn't validate your line of thinking doesn't make what we said and wrote rude.

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    mrswolverine said:
    Thanks to the people that were civilized, it's good to see some kindness still exists in this pit we call the internet. Not sure why I was so surprised at the negative feedback; I suppose there are still trolls in these parts.
    Just because people don't validate your terrible attitude doesn't mean they're uncivilized or trolling. 

    Your head is too far into the wedding and you need to pull it out to take an objective look at how you're responding to your friends. The wedding will be over before you know it. How you treat your friends now will impact your friendships forever. You should think about that. 

    We aren't your parents, so were't not going to tell you how special you are and how you can do no wrong.
    *********************************************************************************

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    lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Why can't you play it by ear? I understand that at some point you will have to give your caterer a head count and order bouquets from your florist, but personally, I would rather err on the side of losing $ on a meal and a floral arrangement than tell my friend that if she cannot commit she's out.
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    ginger0809ginger0809 member
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    Don't let the negativity on the board get to you.  I had a bridesmaid back out 2 months before my wedding, she was my best friend for 15 years and because of a stupid argument our friendship came to an end.  She was not at my wedding, and I haven't spoken to her since.

    A best friend not being at your wedding is incredibly hard to deal with, and I don't think people really understand the feelings that come along with it, unless they've experienced it themselves.   

    You need to forget the hurt and negativity and move forward and think about all the good.  You're getting married! And don't let one person not being there make you forget ALL of the other people who will be there because they love and support you.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    ginger0809 said:
    Don't let the negativity on the board get to you.  I had a bridesmaid back out 2 months before my wedding, she was my best friend for 15 years and because of a stupid argument our friendship came to an end.  She was not at my wedding, and I haven't spoken to her since.

    A best friend not being at your wedding is incredibly hard to deal with, and I don't think people really understand the feelings that come along with it, unless they've experienced it themselves.   

    You need to forget the hurt and negativity and move forward and think about all the good.  You're getting married! And don't let one person not being there make you forget ALL of the other people who will be there because they love and support you.
    Um, what negativity?  We are just confused as to why she needs to know NOW whether or not they can be there.  Her two friends told her that they are unsure if they can come.  We certainly understand that if they can't be there then that would suck, but we are mainly focused on why she can't just play things by ear.

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