BM trouble

kirby400 · August 2014

Ok, ladies, I'm not sure what to do. I think I know some of the answers that are going to come up but I just want to get it out there. My BM is a childhood friend that lives about 2.5 hours away. I only have two attendants (a BM and a MOH). She has been pretty MIA for most of the wedding process, which I just chocked it up to her being busy. We've only spoken on the phone twice in the past 8 months and otherwise traded short emails re: dress options and wedding day/time.

The dilemma is that she said for the past two months that she'd come to my shower, hosted by my MOH. My MOH organized the whole thing and it was absolutely amazing. So, the night before my shower, the BM calls my MOH to say she isn't coming because of 'work'. That's all she said. She told MOH that she'd call me. It's now three days later and I didn't receive a call, text, facebook message, anything. It makes me really sad because I wanted to share these experiences with her. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time along our friendship that she's been MIA.

I'm hurt that she couldn't even call me. She knew it wasn't a surprise shower. On another sad and a practical note, I'm worried that she'll bail on the wedding.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

kirby400 said:

Ok, ladies, I'm not sure what to do. I think I know some of the answers that are going to come up but I just want to get it out there. My BM is a childhood friend that lives about 2.5 hours away. I only have two attendants (a BM and a MOH). She has been pretty MIA for most of the wedding process, which I just chocked it up to her being busy. We've only spoken on the phone twice in the past 8 months and otherwise traded short emails re: dress options and wedding day/time.

The dilemma is that she said for the past two months that she'd come to my shower, hosted by my MOH. My MOH organized the whole thing and it was absolutely amazing. So, the night before my shower, the BM calls my MOH to say she isn't coming because of 'work'. That's all she said. She told MOH that she'd call me. It's now three days later and I didn't receive a call, text, facebook message, anything. It makes me really sad because I wanted to share these experiences with her. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time along our friendship that she's been MIA.

I'm hurt that she couldn't even call me. She knew it wasn't a surprise shower. On another sad and a practical note, I'm worried that she'll bail on the wedding.

If this isn't the first time she has acted this way then her acting like this now shouldn't be a surprise.

Does it suck that she has been MIA? Yes. Do you have every right to feel disappointed that she canceled at the last minute on your shower? Yes. Should she have called you and told you about her not being able to make your shower herself? Yes. As for your actual wedding day, worrying will do nothing but stress you out.

I would possibly give your friend a call and see how she is doing and if everything is okay. Leave the wedding and shower talk out of it.

sarawifenow · August 2014

I'm sorry that you are going through this!

I think at this point, you just need to let it be. She either will or will not show up to the wedding. If she doesn't, that is on her and she will look like the jerk.

Has something happened in her life recently that would cause her to be distant? A breakup? Job loss? Death in the family? Something like that could be contributing to her being distant from you. Maybe just check in on her and see if she is ok? It couldn't hurt.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

I'm sorry this happened. It's definitely disappointing, especially because she's a good friend.

It does sound like you're making assumptions about her reasoning for not being able to attend. I wouldn't go down that road. If she is super busy with work and MIA, she's probably extremely stressed out and disappointed that her personal life is suffering because of it. I've been in a job like that and it's no picnic.

If this girl was a good enough friend for you to ask her to be in the WP, she's a good enough friend for you to try and understand what she might be going through right now.

Emmylou120 · August 2014

I had an experience similar to this when I was in a wedding party a few years ago. There were a total of 4 maids and the MOH of the bride's sister. The wedding was a destination wedding in Jamaica, so only myself and the MOH made the trip, and the rest of the wedding party joined us back in the States for the larger reception. That was totally fine with the bride, as she knew that was a reality. However, one of the maids began early on to create distance and as showers and the bach. party came up, she would either say she couldn't afford to help out or that she didn't have time. She was otherwise non-communicative. When I did talk to her, she seemed bitter and after several conversations it became apparent that she was having a really tough time being happy for our friend. The bride eventually relived her of her bridesmaid duties, and subsequently ended the friendship. At the time I remember talking to other friends (outside the circle of friends in which the wedding was taking place) and turns out its really not unheard of for some women to have a hard time being happy for friends who are getting married. It is essentially jealously or an inability to not compare their own lives with others. Not saying this is your friends state of mind, but I think its not something we like to think about...

I think that if you talked to your friend coming from a place of concern as far as how busy her life is and what is going on with her (there might be something crazy happening with work that she might not feel like she can burden you with) and the time you've asked her to give towards your special day and what she thinks she can realistically give. Maybe she just needs some recognition of all of the things SHE has going on and to still be recognized as a friend who needs support form time to time. These are just all thoughts I had after my experience and would love to see your situation have a different ending than mine! Good luck!

Jen4948 · August 2014

Yeah, it sucks that people do that at the last minute. But unfortunately, if she did have to go into her workplace at the last minute, perhaps to cover for someone else who became unavailable at the last minute, she just didn't have the time to give you a fuller explanation at that time. And yes, she should have later. But who knows what happened other than your friend? Before assuming she doesn't care about you or won't show up at your wedding, you might first try to find out what is going on in her life. Did her workload suddenly and unexpectedly go up? Is something else going on that makes her feel unhappy and not want to be there for you? I agree with @Emmylou120 that sometimes it's hard for people who are having problems in their own lives, especially in their personal lives, to feel happy for people who are doing well in that area and can look forward to weddings, babies coming, and other happy occasions for other people. I wouldn't drop your friendship with her unless she refuses to indicate that there's a problem and keeps doing this. And if she does, well, concentrate on the things that make you feel happy. Maybe she's not such a good friend or maybe there's something really wrong that she's just not ready to share with you yet. It might even be that she doesn't want to take away from your happiness to share bad news of her own. So I'd give her the benefit of a little doubt until you know more.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

Emmylou120 said:

I had an experience similar to this when I was in a wedding party a few years ago. There were a total of 4 maids and the MOH of the bride's sister. The wedding was a destination wedding in Jamaica, so only myself and the MOH made the trip, and the rest of the wedding party joined us back in the States for the larger reception. That was totally fine with the bride, as she knew that was a reality. However, one of the maids began early on to create distance and as showers and the bach. party came up, she would either say she couldn't afford to help out or that she didn't have time. She was otherwise non-communicative. When I did talk to her, she seemed bitter and after several conversations it became apparent that she was having a really tough time being happy for our friend. The bride eventually relived her of her bridesmaid duties, and subsequently ended the friendship. At the time I remember talking to other friends (outside the circle of friends in which the wedding was taking place) and turns out its really not unheard of for some women to have a hard time being happy for friends who are getting married. It is essentially jealously or an inability to not compare their own lives with others. Not saying this is your friends state of mind, but I think its not something we like to think about...
I think that if you talked to your friend coming from a place of concern as far as how busy her life is and what is going on with her (there might be something crazy happening with work that she might not feel like she can burden you with) and the time you've asked her to give towards your special day and what she thinks she can realistically give. Maybe she just needs some recognition of all of the things SHE has going on and to still be recognized as a friend who needs support form time to time. These are just all thoughts I had after my experience and would love to see your situation have a different ending than mine! Good luck!

Projection, much?

I feel really bad for the BM in the story you told. She told you she couldn't afford to help pay for the shower and bach, which makes me think you asked her to contribute - totally bad etiquette on your part if that's the case. And so what? She can't afford it she can't afford it - it's WAY off base to question others' finances.

I think people confuse "not happy for the bride" or "jealous" with not really enjoying wedding planning and being asked to help with stuff. I can be totally happy for one of my friends who's getting married, but it doesn't mean I want to stuff envelopes or buy a "Bride's Posse" tank top for her bachelorette. I'm not jealous of her wedding (unless she's marrying Ryan Gosling) - but I might not be able to help out financially or want to talk about chair sash options for hours on end.

If a bunch of BMs/the bride were talking shit about me behind my back (as it sounds like you were) and then the bride kicked me out of the wedding, um yea, the friendship would definitely be over. Of my own accord TYVM.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

kirby400 said:

Ok, ladies, I'm not sure what to do. I think I know some of the answers that are going to come up but I just want to get it out there. My BM is a childhood friend that lives about 2.5 hours away. I only have two attendants (a BM and a MOH). She has been pretty MIA for most of the wedding process, which I just chocked it up to her being busy. What "process" did you expect her to be present for when she lives 2.5 hours away? Planning? That's not anyone's job but yours and your FI. It's your wedding so you two need to be planning it. All your WP needs to do is show up on time and sober on the day of your wedding, in the correct attire. We've only spoken on the phone twice in the past 8 months and otherwise traded short emails re: dress options and wedding day/time. That's all that you need to do. Have you tries to talk to her about her life outside of your wedding at all?

The dilemma is that she said for the past two months that she'd come to my shower, hosted by my MOH. My MOH organized the whole thing and it was absolutely amazing. So, the night before my shower, the BM calls my MOH to say she isn't coming because of 'work'. That's all she said. She told MOH that she'd call me. It's now three days later and I didn't receive a call, text, facebook message, anything. It makes me really sad because I wanted to share these experiences with her. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time along our friendship that she's been MIA. So this is a friend issue, not a BM or wedding issue. If she really had to work, then she had to work. Her job trumps your bridal shower.

I'm hurt that she couldn't even call me. She knew it wasn't a surprise shower. On another sad and a practical note, I'm worried that she'll bail on the wedding. If she does, then she does. Nothing you can do about it until then, sorry.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

Emmylou120 said:

I had an experience similar to this when I was in a wedding party a few years ago. There were a total of 4 maids and the MOH of the bride's sister. The wedding was a destination wedding in Jamaica, so only myself and the MOH made the trip, and the rest of the wedding party joined us back in the States for the larger reception. That was totally fine with the bride, as she knew that was a reality. However, one of the maids began early on to create distance and as showers and the bach. party came up, she would either say she couldn't afford to help out or that she didn't have time. Because maybe she didn't have the time or the money. Those are totally valid reasons not to be involved with those pre-wedding activities. She was otherwise non-communicative. Why the hell would she need to communicate with you guys aboutthe wedding when 1. She wasn't able to attend and 2. she wasn't able to participate in the pre-wedding parties? What were you and the MOH bugging her about? When I did talk to her, she seemed bitter and after several conversations it became apparent that she was having a really tough time being happy for our friend. Projection and assumptions, much? Perhaps this woman was annoyed with you for trying to talk to her about wedding planning crap for a wedding that she wasn't planning on attending and pre wedding shit that she was not able to participate in? In your mind, how should she have acted and behaved in order to communicate her happiness for the bride? I don't understand shit like this. My friends and family don't squee about my stupid wedding at all times, but I know they are happy for me. Sheesh. The bride eventually relived her of her bridesmaid duties, and subsequently ended the friendship. Oh God, what a fucking peach this Bride was. *gag* What in the hell duties did this woman have for a wedding she couldn't attend? Seriously, what did the Bride expect her to be doing? Dress up and participate in a fake ceremony at the at home reception? At the time I remember talking to other friends (outside the circle of friends in which the wedding was taking place) and turns out its really not unheard of for some women to have a hard time being happy for friends who are getting married. This is total crap! I think you need to stop gossiping and I think you and your circle of friends need to learn how to manage your expectations of ppl. . . and get a set of expectations grounded in reality and not the wedding industry and sappy wedding movies. It is essentially jealously or an inability to not compare their own lives with others. Just because someone doesn't fawn all over you throughout the duration of your engagement and squee about all of your wedding details doesn't mean they are jealous of you for getting married. Why do ppl women even think like this?! It's just a wedding- one of likely dozens that these ppl will attend and participate in over the course of their lives. Your wedding really isn't that important to everyone. Not saying this is your friends state of mind, but I think its not something we like to think about...
I think that if you talked to your friend coming from a place of concern as far as how busy her life is and what is going on with her (there might be something crazy happening with work that she might not feel like she can burden you with) and the time you've asked her to give towards your special day and what she thinks she can realistically give. Maybe she just needs some recognition of all of the things SHE has going on and to still be recognized as a friend who needs support form time to time. These are just all thoughts I had after my experience and would love to see your situation have a different ending than mine! Good luck!

kirby400 · August 2014

Thank you very much ladies for talking this through with me. I think I'm just sad about not sharing these life experiences with her. She was the first person to know about my first kiss, new crushes, and even college choices. I tried very hard to be a supportive BM for her last year, talking about venues, subcontractors, and scheduling, whatever she needed.

If she had to work, that's understandable. I'm mostly upset that she didn't call me herself. She still hasn't called three days later.

I understand I won't find much 'resolution' until I call and see what's going on. Then any other decisions/worries will have to depend on how things evolve. I'll update when there's some news.

MuppetOverlord · August 2014

I'd be sad too.

Unfortunately around the time of weddings, we find that some of our relationships weren't what they used to be, and perhaps they even have expired. When I planned my first wedding (around age 24 or 25), I asked 3 people to be in my bridal party. They were friends from day 1 and were the people I always imagined would've been part of this day...our whole lives! One wouldn't return my calls, one was living out of state, and one declined. I was dreadfully hurt, but I realized that our time had passed and the distance in college had distanced our relationship very much.

I had a 2 year engagement. The girl who didn't return my calls called me around month 11. She apologized and told me she would've loved to have been in my wedding party. I didn't invite her again, but over the next year, stopped talking to me all together and ended up not even RSVPing to the wedding. I think if somehow, I had invited her to be part of the wedding, she would've been much like your friend. I would've wondered if she would show up.

I ended up with one bridesmaid, someone I was close to at the time and am close to now

Just focus on your wedding. Everything will be okay.

kirby400 · August 2014

She just called tonight... She essentially just said sorry she didn't make it and that she doesn't know why she didn't call sooner. She said she knew she should have but just didn't. I explained that the bridal shower meant a lot to me. She just apologized again.

No real resolution but at least something.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

kirby400 said:

She just called tonight... She essentially just said sorry she didn't make it and that she doesn't know why she didn't call sooner. She said she knew she should have but just didn't. I explained that the bridal shower meant a lot to me. She just apologized again.

No real resolution but at least something.

That's good that she called and apologized, and I'm glad you were able to explain that the shower was important to you. Just move forward and I hope things go well!

kirby400 · August 2014

Thanks @sarahbear31!

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