Officiant Ideas??? HELP???

Knottie90665137 · August 2014

My husband and I got married at a courthouse away from everyone due to being stationed outside our home states. We decided we want to have a full wedding and reception so we can celebrate with our families and have everyone meet properly. We are curious about an officiant though. We are already legally married and neither of us are religious. We need someone to run the ceremony and lead any vows or statements and such but aren't sure what to do. Any ideas?

NYCMercedes · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

My husband and I got married at a courthouse away from everyone due to being stationed outside our home states. We decided we want to have a full wedding and reception so we can celebrate with our families and have everyone meet properly. We are curious about an officiant though. We are already legally married and neither of us are religious. We need someone to run the ceremony and lead any vows or statements and such but aren't sure what to do. Any ideas?

Nothing to officiate. Have just a kick-ass party.

jenajjthr · August 2014

You don't need one since you are already married. You can't have another wedding unless you get divorced. What you are talking about is a PPD. This won't go over well on the etiquette board. What you should plan if you want families to meet and mingle is a celebratory party. Have cake, music, and dancing, but no reenactment of your vows. Wear a pretty dress, just not a big white poofy wedding dress.

Knottie90665137 · August 2014

Yes we are legally married and are very happy with our decision to get married at the courthouse. Our anniversary isn't changing and we are not trying to re-enact anything. Call it a bonus ceremony if you will. We are not registered we dont want attention or gifts or the big show. We are doing it as inexpensively and DIY as possible. This is for our families and this will be about the only time we have together as a couple and as a new family.

wrigleyville · August 2014

So have a big party. Why go through a fake wedding? People can still meet each other at a party, and it will be cheaper than staging a reenactment.

My cousins eloped, and they had a kickass party a few months later. They had dinner catered, hired a DJ, had a full bar, etc. They even had a cake (not a wedding cake). Everyone had a great time.

huskypuppy14 · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

Yes we are legally married and are very happy with our decision to get married at the courthouse. Our anniversary isn't changing and we are not trying to re-enact anything. Call it a bonus ceremony if you will. We are not registered we dont want attention or gifts or the big show. We are doing it as inexpensively and DIY as possible. This is for our families and this will be about the only time we have together as a couple and as a new family.

JIC

CMGragain · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

My husband and I got married at a courthouse away from everyone due to being stationed outside our home states. We decided we want to have a full wedding and reception so we can celebrate with our families and have everyone meet properly. We are curious about an officiant though. We are already legally married and neither of us are religious. We need someone to run the ceremony and lead any vows or statements and such but aren't sure what to do. Any ideas?

You get ONE wedding. You have had yours.

You can have a party at any time. You do not need an officiant because there will be nothing to officiate.

I suggest a lovely anniversary party. You can wear a beautiful gown (not a wedding dress), have flowers, dinner, open bar, dancing, speeches, toasting - all of that. What you cannot have is another wedding. You are already a wedded couple. Invite your friends and family to a wonderful celebration.

Knottie90665137 · August 2014

Look we are military, and our schedules didn't allow us to have an actual ceremony. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't allow enlisted members to be with officers and due to my education and career choice the wedding had to happen now or we could never be together legally. So we got married in a court, but his family and mine both said that they want us to have and "actual wedding." My husband agreed for them and for me and is trying to make this happen for us, and needed some advice but instead we got harsh comments... clearly this website and these forums are not here for the reasons we thought. Can you now all tell me how to close a post because clearly no one is interested in helping.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

Look we are military, and our schedules didn't allow us to have an actual ceremony. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't allow enlisted members to be with officers and due to my education and career choice the wedding had to happen now or we could never be together legally. So we got married in a court, but his family and mine both said that they want us to have and "actual wedding." My husband agreed for them and for me and is trying to make this happen for us, and needed some advice but instead we got harsh comments... clearly this website and these forums are not here for the reasons we thought. Can you now all tell me how to close a post because clearly no one is interested in helping.

You can't close a post.

Since you are already married, it technically doesn't matter who your officiant is. What you are looking to do is a vow renewal. Tell your parents that you already had an "actual wedding" and host a kickass party.

Nymeru · August 2014

If you're dead-set on having a second set of vows, there are plenty of officiants out there who are non-denominational. Google a list of officiants in your area, interview them, see if they have any ceremonies that are posted on youtube, etc. and if you find one you like, go for it.

Or, you could ask one of your friends or family members to run the ceremony for you. Since you're already legally married, you don't actually need to have anyone ordained running the show.

artbyallie · August 2014

You had a ceremony. You are married. If you didn't want attention or a big show you would not be pretending to get married again.

lurkergirl · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

My husband and I got married at a courthouse away from everyone due to being stationed outside our home states. We decided we want to have a full wedding and reception so we can celebrate with our families and have everyone meet properly. We are curious about an officiant though. We are already legally married and neither of us are religious. We need someone to run the ceremony and lead any vows or statements and such but aren't sure what to do. Any ideas?

No you don't because you already had your ceremony and vows when you got married.

I get that you're bummed your family wasn't there, but that is a choice you and DH made. It would be perfectly appropriate to a host a party (no gifts or reenactments of course) if you feel the need to have some sort of celebration with the people closest to you.

Knottie90665137 said:

Yes we are legally married and are very happy with our decision to get married at the courthouse. Our anniversary isn't changing and we are not trying to re-enact anything. Call it a bonus ceremony if you will. We are not registered we dont want attention or gifts or the big show. We are doing it as inexpensively and DIY as possible. This is for our families and this will be about the only time we have together as a couple and as a new family.

There is no such thing as a bonus ceremony.

If you are doing this just because family wants an "actual wedding" (what does that even mean? you had an "actual wedding" when you got married!!), then that kind of seems like a big show and attention IS important to you...

If the goal is to have family around you and celebrate you as a couople, this can still be accomplished with a normal party. Heck, it's probably even better to not be worried about fake ceremony details because then you don't have the stress. You can just relax and enjoy some family time at a party.

Knottie90665137 said:

Look we are military, and our schedules didn't allow us to have an actual ceremony. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't allow enlisted members to be with officers and due to my education and career choice the wedding had to happen now or we could never be together legally. So we got married in a court, but his family and mine both said that they want us to have and "actual wedding." My husband agreed for them and for me and is trying to make this happen for us, and needed some advice but instead we got harsh comments... clearly this website and these forums are not here for the reasons we thought. Can you now all tell me how to close a post because clearly no one is interested in helping.

Ah, the crux of the problem.

Look, I know this is not what you want to hear, but you made the choice that being married to the love of your life was more important than a big wedding. That is a completely respectable and understandable decision, and you are no less married than someone who has a large, lavish party.

It sucks that your family feels like they missed out, but if you explain to them what you explained in the last post and they're still upset, then that is their problem.

Just have a damn party with your family, don't do any vows or anything wedding-ish. (Except cake is still allowed. Cake is always okay. Just don't make a production of cutting it

ETA: Holy novel, batman! Sorry

ETAx2: Grammar

peachy13 · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

Look we are military, and our schedules didn't allow us to have an actual ceremony. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't allow enlisted members to be with officers and due to my education and career choice the wedding had to happen now or we could never be together legally. So we got married in a court, but his family and mine both said that they want us to have and "actual wedding." My husband agreed for them and for me and is trying to make this happen for us, and needed some advice but instead we got harsh comments... clearly this website and these forums are not here for the reasons we thought. Can you now all tell me how to close a post because clearly no one is interested in helping.

You actually already got married. I'm assuming you did this for military purposes and/or benefits which is totally common and totally fine. As others have said, you can host a really fun party. If you try to make your party into a ceremony/wedding reception, this is typically referred to as a "PPD" (aka-- pretty princess day) which is totally not fine, and which is why TK comments will probably be harsh. Throwing an event where you're saying your wedding vows again though you're already married and referring to this event as your "actual wedding" is not okay.

Teddy917 · August 2014

Please don't blame the military for you wanting to have a PPD. My dad was military. He and and my mom had a great wedding exactly like they wanted (all-the-trimmings kind). It just took careful planning. My cousin's husband is military. Also had the wedding she wanted (courthouse). Another cousin was military and so was his wife. Small simple wedding but exactly what they wanted. The military is not an excuse for poor etiquette.

*steps down off soapbox*

wrigleyville · August 2014

It's insulting to say that a courthouse wedding isn't a "real" wedding or an "actual" ceremony. End of story.

I get that schedules are hard. Due to a variety of factors, H and I got married nearly three years after we got engaged. But you know what? You made that decision, and you have to own it. You did what was right for you, and people need to respect that, including you.

Have a vow renewal. You can have a reception afterwards. The difference is that you don't have a bridal shower, and you don't wear a wedding dress or have attendants, but it's still very similar in that you reaffirm your vows, stand in front of your guests, etc. My aunt and uncle did that for their 25th anniversary, and it was awesome. She held a small bouquet, and he wore a boutonniere.

As I said earlier, you can still have a big party with cake and dancing. It's just not a wedding reception. My aunt and uncle did that, and it felt like a reception, so you aren't "losing out" on that aspect of it.

Anyone who thinks a fake wedding is going to satisfy them is completely bonkers. They KNOW you're already married, so I don't get why watching you get fake-married is the same. I'd roll my eyes hardcore if someone invited me to this. If your parents or whoever are dead set on having a wedding-ish event, then do the vow renewal.

artbyallie · August 2014

Teddy917 said:

Please don't blame the military for you wanting to have a PPD. My dad was military. He and and my mom had a great wedding exactly like they wanted (all-the-trimmings kind). It just took careful planning. My cousin's husband is military. Also had the wedding she wanted (courthouse). Another cousin was military and so was his wife. Small simple wedding but exactly what they wanted. The military is not an excuse for poor etiquette. *steps down off soapbox*

To add another anecdote, SIL planned her wedding in less than a month because her H is military and had two weeks between finishing training on the other side of the country and being stationed a thousand miles away from where he and SIL grew up.

jenajjthr · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

Look we are military, and our schedules didn't allow us to have an actual ceremony. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't allow enlisted members to be with officers and due to my education and career choice the wedding had to happen now or we could never be together legally. So we got married in a court, but his family and mine both said that they want us to have and "actual wedding." My husband agreed for them and for me and is trying to make this happen for us, and needed some advice but instead we got harsh comments... clearly this website and these forums are not here for the reasons we thought. Can you now all tell me how to close a post because clearly no one is interested in helping.

DON'T YOU DARE BLAME THE NAVY/MILITARY FOR YOUR CHOICES! You made a grown up decision to get married at a certain time and place so, if I read between the lines correctly, one of you officer and one of you enlisted, could be together before one of you was actually in the military. Well guess what, you got your "actual wedding." It was at the courthouse, with all the legal parts that allow you and your H to be together even though the Navy frowns upon it.

So....you know the military doesn't like officers and enlisted to be married to each other, but found a way to do it anyway, and are now asking how to go against another etiquette rule by how to have a PPD? What kind of officer are you? Ladies....she's the one with the education, hence the officer in the relationship, she should soooo know better.

Sorry to yell Knot Ladies, but I hate it when people come on and say they "had" to because the military made them do it. I apologize for the caps.

Jen4948 · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

Look we are military, and our schedules didn't allow us to have an actual ceremony. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't allow enlisted members to be with officers and due to my education and career choice the wedding had to happen now or we could never be together legally. So we got married in a court, but his family and mine both said that they want us to have and "actual wedding." My husband agreed for them and for me and is trying to make this happen for us, and needed some advice but instead we got harsh comments... clearly this website and these forums are not here for the reasons we thought. Can you now all tell me how to close a post because clearly no one is interested in helping.

You got harsh comments because you are trying to have a wedding when you are already married. That's called a PPD, which stands for Pretty Princess Day.

Sorry, but you already had an "actual wedding." That was the ceremony in the courthouse. It was your "actual wedding" regardless of the fact that it took place in a courthouse, regardless of what you and your husband want and believe, and regardless of what your families want and believe.

The military, contrary to what you believe, did not force you to get married at the courthouse. You made the choice that you had to be together regardless of what the military had to say about it and regardless of what your scheduling and other factors led you to do it at that time.

This forum isn't going to tell people how to have "actual weddings" when they already had them. We will be happy to tell you how to have a "wedding celebration," but our advice requires you to acknowledge that it isn't a "wedding" and it won't consist of telling you to reenact your ceremony or to swear new vows to each other. It will involve you being honest about the purpose of your celebration as well as your actual marital status, which is your legal marital status (that you are married and it happened in the courthouse ceremony). If you won't agree to that, we won't be able to help you. Nor are we going to delete our posts or look kindly on someone who wants to delete hers merely because she doesn't like the responses she received to her initial inquiry.

lovesclimbing · August 2014

artbyallie said:

Teddy917 said:

Please don't blame the military for you wanting to have a PPD. My dad was military. He and and my mom had a great wedding exactly like they wanted (all-the-trimmings kind). It just took careful planning. My cousin's husband is military. Also had the wedding she wanted (courthouse). Another cousin was military and so was his wife. Small simple wedding but exactly what they wanted. The military is not an excuse for poor etiquette. *steps down off soapbox*

To add another anecdote, SIL planned her wedding in less than a month because her H is military and had two weeks between finishing training on the other side of the country and being stationed a thousand miles away from where he and SIL grew up.

And I have a friend who went from start to finish: engaged to married in less time than that. I believe it was about three weeks. She had a lovely wedding complete with photographer, white dress and a wedding party (she just had a maid-of-honor, he just had a best man) and about 50 friends.

Ndelible · August 2014

OP -

You will not get very much support on these boards for what you want to do. You're an adult, so you can do what you want, regardless of what strangers on the interwebs say.

Is the reason that your family is so set on an re-enactment due to religious reasons? Perhaps a good compromise might be a blessing of the union that acknowledges the date of your marriage and you simply re-affirm? Skip the pre-wedding parties (shower, bachelor/ette) and simply have a heartfelt experience with the ones you love.

Have a fantastic and tasty cake. Maybe some dancing. Good food and spirits. You can wear something lovely - white/ivory, if you like, but you can spare yourself the expense of a bridal gown. There are so many lovely gowns at Macy's right now that could be bridal, but also could not be...

Whatever you decide, good luck!

falsara · August 2014

DO NOT USE THE MILITARY AS AN EXCUSE!!!!

I'm a military kid, and yes BOTH of my parents were in the service when they got married and for several years after. They had exactly the wedding they wanted, ceremony in the on-base chapel, reception in a friends beautiful yard. And regardless of the fact they different ranks and two entirely different branches that and either could get moved AT ANY TIME, they had the wedding of their dreams and they had their two month old daughter there (Me). You are an ADULT own up tot he fact that you made these choices. No one can MAKE you do anything unless they are holding a gun to your head.

You can have a wonderful vow renewal. You can have a kick ass party. But you don't get a wedding dress, you don't get a shower or a first dance. You are already married and coming onto this board and blaming the military for your choices is NOT ok. You and Him both joined the military, that means you signed a contract and voluntarily decided to have that career.

I wish you all the best in planning your lovely vow renewal.

*Sorry for the soap box*

wrigleyville · August 2014

Knottie90665137 said:

Look we are military, and our schedules didn't allow us to have an actual ceremony. Unfortunately the Navy doesn't allow enlisted members to be with officers and due to my education and career choice the wedding had to happen now or we could never be together legally. So we got married in a court, but his family and mine both said that they want us to have and "actual wedding." My husband agreed for them and for me and is trying to make this happen for us, and needed some advice but instead we got harsh comments... clearly this website and these forums are not here for the reasons we thought. Can you now all tell me how to close a post because clearly no one is interested in helping.

I recommend you post in this thread:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/963361/legally-married-before-the-wedding

That board is full of military brides, and they are waiting to tell you that, no, this is not okay, even if you ARE military.

Officiant Ideas??? HELP???

Re: Officiant Ideas??? HELP???

Choose Another Board

Search Boards