Wedding Party Couple Broke Up

AshleyP42 · August 2014

One of my bridesmaids was dating one of the Best Man for about 3 years. They are both GREAT people but they just weren't compatible and broke up several months ago. She is devastated, understandably. I've tried to be there for her but she flakes on me whenever we have plans and basically dropped me even though she's still friendly with other mutual friends. I gave her the option to back out at one point- I told her I would completely understand and still consider her a great friend, etc. She insisted she'd be fine and that she really wanted to be a part of it.

Over the past month, I found out she's been complaining about everything regarding my wedding (suddenly the BM dress she liked she now hates), etc. She also had a meltdown at my birthday because he was there, she's planning on leaving my shower after helping to set up (it's co-ed and he will be there), and is even planning on leaving the reception pretty much right after dinner to avoid him. I'm worried about her, I really am. I try to talk to her and be there for her but it's like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And yes, I'm worried about the wedding itself too. How can I not be? She can't handle being in the same house as him but says she can get through the ceremony, pictures, dinner, etc? She tends to drink a lot as well, and over-use her anxiety meds, and I'm worried she'll accidentally make herself seriously sick off it, trying to self-medicate for the night... She's also talked a lot of crap about him on Facebook, which he and all our mutual friends can see. I know it's a defense mechanism but that makes things really awkward for the wedding too, especially since he's the Best Man, my fiance's best friend. She even announced she was selling everything he ever gave her- she explicitly mentioned selling a "charm bracelet from Kay's." Maybe it's a coincidence she chose that ONE thing to point out but we used to talk about how cute it was that he bought that for her while at Kay's with my fiance as he bought my engagement ring...

Anyway, I don't want to ask her to step down but I really think it would be in both her best interest, and mine. It's painfully obvious she doesn't want (or just can't handle) being involved and she's only sticking with it to not let me down. I'm just not sure how to convince her to just be honest (and back out as a result), without making her feel worse than she already does...

Thanks in advance for any advice...

AshleyP42 · August 2014

EDIT: I meant to say I'm not sure how to convince her to just be honest with me (and "probably" back out as a result). I don't want it to sound like my goal is to get her to "quit"- I think that might be the best decision for everyone involved...but it's not what I've "wanted" to happen...

AddieCake · August 2014

I don't see what you're trying to say about the bracelet. You think it's some secret dig at your wedding because it was bought at the same time as your ring?

As for her, all you need to do is be her friend, sans wedding. When you talk to her, talk to her about non wedding stuff. Next time she bashes him on FB, you might privately tell her that's not a healthy or productive way to handle a breakup. But stop worrying about whether or not she can handle the wedding with him. She will either handle it like a big girl, or she will leave if she can't. We all make choices.

NYCMercedes · August 2014

AshleyP42 said:

One of my bridesmaids was dating one of the Best Man for about 3 years. They are both GREAT people but they just weren't compatible and broke up several months ago. She is devastated, understandably. I've tried to be there for her but she flakes on me whenever we have plans and basically dropped me even though she's still friendly with other mutual friends. I gave her the option to back out at one point- I told her I would completely understand and still consider her a great friend, etc. She insisted she'd be fine and that she really wanted to be a part of it.

Over the past month, I found out she's been complaining about everything regarding my wedding (suddenly the BM dress she liked she now hates), etc. She also had a meltdown at my birthday because he was there, she's planning on leaving my shower after helping to set up (it's co-ed and he will be there), and is even planning on leaving the reception pretty much right after dinner to avoid him. I'm worried about her, I really am. I try to talk to her and be there for her but it's like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And yes, I'm worried about the wedding itself too. How can I not be? She can't handle being in the same house as him but says she can get through the ceremony, pictures, dinner, etc? She tends to drink a lot as well, and over-use her anxiety meds, and I'm worried she'll accidentally make herself seriously sick off it, trying to self-medicate for the night... She's also talked a lot of crap about him on Facebook, which he and all our mutual friends can see. I know it's a defense mechanism but that makes things really awkward for the wedding too, especially since he's the Best Man, my fiance's best friend. She even announced she was selling everything he ever gave her- she explicitly mentioned selling a "charm bracelet from Kay's." Maybe it's a coincidence she chose that ONE thing to point out but we used to talk about how cute it was that he bought that for her while at Kay's with my fiance as he bought my engagement ring...

Anyway, I don't want to ask her to step down but I really think it would be in both her best interest, and mine. It's painfully obvious she doesn't want (or just can't handle) being involved and she's only sticking with it to not let me down. I'm just not sure how to convince her to just be honest (and back out as a result), without making her feel worse than she already does...

Thanks in advance for any advice...

What Addie said. Talk to her as a friend you love and are interested in. Maybe she's hurt deeply by the breakup. Try to sympathize. Your wedding is not the center of her life.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

Cliff Notes: Two people in WP broke up, I want to kick one of them out because she's pissing me off. How do I do this gracefully and make it seem like it's her idea?

OP, it kind of sounds like you're looking for reasons to kick her out of the WP. Just stop. Presumably she's an adult and can handle standing up in the WP - she's already told you she can. Leave it alone. If you're dead set on kicking her out, just know that it's a friendship ending move.

cowgirl8238 · August 2014

OP I have to agree with Southernbelle that it sounds like you are looking for reasons to kick her out of your wedding party. If the friendship is as bad as you make it out to be, why not just kick her out and end the friendship??? I mean it sounds to me like you are already done... If you want to maintain this friendship, just leave everything alone. Don't let the wedding "complicate" things, and just talk to your friend about life. Your wedding shouldn't be the topic of discussion whenever you see people. (not saying that it is, but just in general).

AshleyP42 · August 2014

I haven't said a word to her about the wedding. She won't talk to me, period, so I haven't talked to her about anything. Like I said, I've tried to be there for her and I've expressed my concern FOR HER a million times but she blows me off every time. Yes, she says she can handle it but her meltdowns every time she's around him, and the fact she's ditching my shower and wedding reception to avoid him, say otherwise. That's like someone saying they're on a diet while eating an entire pizza.

I also explicitly said I don't want to kick her out. I just want her to know she really can back out if she wants to (which I'm SURE she does), and that I wouldn't hold it against her because I understand how hard this is for her, etc. I guess maybe I just didn't explain the situation correctly. I don't think I'm a terrible person for being upset that one of my bridesmaids wants NOTHING to do with me and has completely dropped me from her life just because her ex and my fiance are friends. I have tried for almost a year to keep this friendship going but she wants nothing to do with it.

chibiyui · August 2014

I imagine that your wedding is a source of stress for her as her ex is the best man. I don't think there is anything you can do besides trying to reach out to her, and hope that day of, she either can pull it together for the ceremony and pictures or has the self-awareness if she can't to sit as a guest, and maybe just pose for pictures with the bridal party only. Did you start of as friends with her, or was she introduced to you as BestMans GF? If it's the latter, she could be worried or under the impression that as she is no longer with BestMan, you and your groom will distance yourselves from her.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

AshleyP42 said:

I haven't said a word to her about the wedding. She won't talk to me, period, so I haven't talked to her about anything. Like I said, I've tried to be there for her and I've expressed my concern FOR HER a million times but she blows me off every time. Yes, she says she can handle it but her meltdowns every time she's around him, and the fact she's ditching my shower and wedding reception to avoid him, say otherwise. That's like someone saying they're on a diet while eating an entire pizza.

I also explicitly said I don't want to kick her out. I just want her to know she really can back out if she wants to (which I'm SURE she does), and that I wouldn't hold it against her because I understand how hard this is for her, etc. I guess maybe I just didn't explain the situation correctly. I don't think I'm a terrible person for being upset that one of my bridesmaids wants NOTHING to do with me and has completely dropped me from her life just because her ex and my fiance are friends. I have tried for almost a year to keep this friendship going but she wants nothing to do with it.

To the bolded - you did that and she said she wanted to stay in.

Then you went on to talk about how you didn't really want her in the WP. So I think that's why people's impressions are that you're trying to find a way to kick her out. If you truly didn't want to kick her out, you would have dropped it after you had the conversation with her about staying in the WP.

AshleyP42 · August 2014

I had dropped it for months but then she had a meltdown at my birthday because he was there, and decided to ditch my shower and is planning on ditching the reception- that doesn't make me feel like she truthfully wants to be part of it regardless of what she told me 6 months ago. Plus things can change after 6 months. And if her way of coping the day of the wedding is going to be her usual vodka-xanax cocktail- that's NOT in her best interest.

Chibiyui- my fiance's best friend (the Best Man) introduced her to us maybe 4 years ago. I thought our friendship was more than just based on her relationship. When they first broke up, I told her that my fiance and I both still considered her a great friend and that nothing could change that. I told her I wanted to be there for her- called her, text her, emailed her, etc...but she ignored me. Looking back on it, even when I thought we were good friends she would flake on me whenever we had plans unless she came over WITH her boyfriend, or if she wanted to vent about him. I don't think she hates me or anything- but I don't think she ever thought of me as anything more than "a friend through her boyfriend."

levioosa · August 2014

AshleyP42 said:

I had dropped it for months but then she had a meltdown at my birthday because he was there, and decided to ditch my shower and is planning on ditching the reception- that doesn't make me feel like she truthfully wants to be part of it regardless of what she told me 6 months ago. Plus things can change after 6 months. And if her way of coping the day of the wedding is going to be her usual vodka-xanax cocktail- that's NOT in her best interest.

Chibiyui- my fiance's best friend (the Best Man) introduced her to us maybe 4 years ago. I thought our friendship was more than just based on her relationship. When they first broke up, I told her that my fiance and I both still considered her a great friend and that nothing could change that. I told her I wanted to be there for her- called her, text her, emailed her, etc...but she ignored me. Looking back on it, even when I thought we were good friends she would flake on me whenever we had plans unless she came over WITH her boyfriend, or if she wanted to vent about him. I don't think she hates me or anything- but I don't think she ever thought of me as anything more than "a friend through her boyfriend."

Will she even talk to you? If not, send her a message and just let her know that you truly care about her and are there for her if she needs to talk and that you would love to hang out. How close to you are to the wedding? I would just let her know you are there for her and then let it go until the wedding. If she wants to remain in the WP, she will show up on time and in the dress. If she doesn't show, then she has taken herself out of the wedding.

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

It sounds like she is trying to cope with having her ex in the wedding party. She is helping to set up for a party she won't be attending! I think she is doing more for you and your wedding than you realize. You see her ditching you by not attending the shower, but I think she is being great by setting up for a party she won't be attending. Remember, she could have not done a thing for your shower.

She is also attending your ceremony, is going to be in pictures, and will stay for dinner. Really, after the ceremony, any obligation she had for your wedding is over. Please let your photographer know about these two, so he/she won't pose them together. Also, have them seated a few tables away from each other at the reception. She may feel more comfortable if she can't directly see him. She can also step out of the room if/when BM makes a toast.

chibiyui · August 2014

I had a group of friends through a college boyfriend, and while we were never super close I still would have considered them friends.

And then my ex once mentioned how one of them had commented. "it's too bad you and chibiyui broke up. I was starting to like her. "

So. You know. Lines can get crossed. Today if there was a class reunion, I'd be fine around them and would catch up with them. Right after the break up I didn't want anything to do with them.

She also sounds like she's dealing with depression. It's not something you just snap out of. From what you've said, she's trying. I think kicking her out or asking if she wants to step down will just make her feel worse and come across as you prioritizing the best man's friendship.

Lauderdale Pink · August 2014

First, take a deep breath, and RELAX!!!! This woman is not going to ruin your wedding. She sounds very sad and as though she is giving it a good effort to honor her commitment to your shower and wedding. She still may flake. Right now, you seem to be, irrationally, the object of her frustration. She is not sure if she can deal with all of your wedding happiness when she is so miserable, and every contact with you is a showcase of her loss. This serves a very important function for her, psychologically, and is really helping her deal with the breakup. She probably can't talk to you without really suffering and I am sure she had all kinds of romantic images about your wedding as it pertained to her and her ex.

The best thing for you to do for her, and yourself, is to leave her alone. When and if she is ready, she will reach out to you. Right now, she is probably weighing whether it will be more painful to see her ex at the wedding or to sit home, alone and imagine him at your wedding.

novella1186 · August 2014

Lauderdale Pink said:

First, take a deep breath, and RELAX!!!! This woman is not going to ruin your wedding. She sounds very sad and as though she is giving it a good effort to honor her commitment to your shower and wedding. She still may flake. Right now, you seem to be, irrationally, the object of her frustration. She is not sure if she can deal with all of your wedding happiness when she is so miserable, and every contact with you is a showcase of her loss. This serves a very important function for her, psychologically, and is really helping her deal with the breakup. She probably can't talk to you without really suffering and I am sure she had all kinds of romantic images about your wedding as it pertained to her and her ex.
The best thing for you to do for her, and yourself, is to leave her alone. When and if she is ready, she will reach out to you. Right now, she is probably weighing whether it will be more painful to see her ex at the wedding or to sit home, alone and imagine him at your wedding.

This. When I broke up with my college boyfriend, I had been very close with his friends (and considered them MY friends too at that point) but I avoided them like the plague for about a year because they just reminded me way too much of him and the fact that we broke up. This may be why she's avoiding you so much; you're too associated with her ex since she knows you through him. Leave her alone and give her time and some space to grieve.

As nice as it is that you keep showing concern for her, to her you may just be rubbing salt in the wound and pushing her farther away. It sounds like she really just needs space. How far away is your wedding? By then she may be feeling a little better about things and will handle it just fine. You can't just automatically assume she'll become a total mess based on the fact that immediately following the breakup she was a total mess. That's not a fair assumption at all.

If you gave her the chance to drop out and she insisted on staying in, then she wants to stay in. She's an adult. If it is too much for her to handle, she'll let you know. There is NOTHING you need to do right now about this situation. Just let it breathe.

badbnagdway · August 2014

How far away is the wedding? And how long ago did they break up?

The wound that is fresh now may be at least somewhat healed by the time your wedding rolls around. It seems to me the thing to do is let her have her painful time. Have a few girls nights involving wine and/or ice cream. Or take her out to get her mind off it and off your wedding. I'm sure she doesn't want to let you down but making her focus on the time when she will be in the same wedding party as him will not help her right now.

I'm sure we can all remember painful break-ups involving shared friend groups. Other than some ill-advised fb posts, it sounds like she's not handling it any worse than most.

I think you and your friend will both regret it if she isn't part of the wedding party because of this guy. Just do your very best to take her mind off of it.

MuppetOverlord · August 2014

She has chosen to remain in the party. I'd leave it at that. It sounds like this is a tough break up for her. My last major breakup was very hard for me, it took several months for it to stop being the primary topic of my focus. I thought i was going to marry the guy some day and ending that relationship symbolized the end of that dream, the end of my relationship with his family, with some friends, and it came with the painful realization that I had to get over it, and then start all over again someday which was exhausting in itself.

I think it's normal that she was upset at a party he was at. I think it's okay that his presence makes her uncomfortable. I think it's okay that she will lightly participate in events going forward.

She will come to the wedding and participate in the manner that she chooses and she will leave when it's comfortable for her. That just needs to be okay.

I would otherwise leave her alone. You've made it known that you are available. Your obligation as friend has been met.

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