Wedding Reception Forum

Groom and Venue

How involved were your grooms in picking the venue?  Over the past few weeks, my fiance, my mother, and I have been schlepping to different venues.  My fiance made it super clear that he wants to be married in the summer, that the venue must have a large outdoor area+/- be near water, that it must be "cheap" (his words) but extremely nice, and now he wants to release fire lanterns at the end of the night.  He says because I chose the church that he has "veto power" on the venue.  

Each venue we go to that he's remotely interested in, he'll ask questions like "can we remove the carpet?" or "can we take some draping down from the tent?" or "can we bring the entire wedding party and guests down to the beach?" or "can we change the curtains?."  He'll ask about certain specialty liquors being available and he doesn't even drink that much hard liquor.  Just little nit picky things that have started to annoy me.  Cost is a big factor in the venue we choose and we've found one that is within the budget we've finally agreed upon, but now he's insisting on tastings prior to signing a contract at his top three choices and in our area, there are hardly tastings before a contract is signed as these are catering halls and not independent caterers.  He also won't let me go to any venue by myself, but his work schedule is so busy, that he can't see places but every two weeks on the weekends.  

I just want to book b/c places are filling up. I'm just very frustrated and we've gotten into an argument about what I perceive his need is to control every detail about the venue.  I appreciate his interest in planning our day, but I feel like he's being difficult.  Am I the one completely in the wrong?  How do I let him know that I want him to be involved but we both need to be realistic about what we can and cannot afford in terms of the venue?  

Re: Groom and Venue

  • How involved were your grooms in picking the venue?  Over the past few weeks, my fiance, my mother, and I have been schlepping to different venues.  My fiance made it super clear that he wants to be married in the summer, that the venue must have a large outdoor area+/- be near water, that it must be "cheap" (his words) but extremely nice, and now he wants to release fire lanterns at the end of the night.  He says because I chose the church that he has "veto power" on the venue.  


    Each venue we go to that he's remotely interested in, he'll ask questions like "can we remove the carpet?" or "can we take some draping down from the tent?" or "can we bring the entire wedding party and guests down to the beach?" or "can we change the curtains?."  He'll ask about certain specialty liquors being available and he doesn't even drink that much hard liquor.  Just little nit picky things that have started to annoy me.  Cost is a big factor in the venue we choose and we've found one that is within the budget we've finally agreed upon, but now he's insisting on tastings prior to signing a contract at his top three choices and in our area, there are hardly tastings before a contract is signed as these are catering halls and not independent caterers.  He also won't let me go to any venue by myself, but his work schedule is so busy, that he can't see places but every two weeks on the weekends.  

    I just want to book b/c places are filling up. I'm just very frustrated and we've gotten into an argument about what I perceive his need is to control every detail about the venue.  I appreciate his interest in planning our day, but I feel like he's being difficult.  Am I the one completely in the wrong?  How do I let him know that I want him to be involved but we both need to be realistic about what we can and cannot afford in terms of the venue?  
    I think this is one of those cases where neither of you is wrong, and you're both wrong. He shouldn't get "veto power" just because you picked the church, but you shouldn't have picked a church he didn't agree with. You should be making decisions and compromises together - marriage isn't tit for tat, and this is a lot different than "you pick the restaurant and I'll pick the movie." If he did in fact agree with the church but it was your "choice" - sorry buster, let that one go, reception space is a new decision.

    I think you both need to sit down and have a rational discussion about needs versus wants in a venue. If this is that hard to agree on, it'll only get harder from here as big life decisions come up.

    FWIW, my FI picked our venue, which is for both ceremony and reception. It was more important to him than any other place would have been to me, so we didn't look anywhere else. He has been involved in every decision though, because it's just as much his wedding as mine.

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  • I think you both need to talk openly about the issue and express your frustrations.  With him not letting you go to venues yourself, it seems he doesn't trust you to get an accurate evaluation of them as options.  I also don't like the "veto" thing, as decisions should be made because they're what you both agree on, not because you got to choose something and now he gets to choose something simply because he wants it and wasn't happy about your previous decision.  It's breeding bad energy. 
  • He sounds like a PITA. It's his wedding so he gets a say ,but he is a little ridiculous about the changing carpet and curtains. Geez. He needs needs to understand the concept of compromise. Cheap, extremely nice by the water often do not go together. -------------------------------------------------------------- Oh and know way I would put up with this crap of not allowed to go to a venue without him. F' that. I would still go without him to at least get an idea if it's worth a second look. ------------------------------------------------- To answer your questions we lived OOT from our wedding location. I found the place online. He liked it via the website. My parents paid for most of the wedding. They lived a few hours away from the venue and looked at in person. It was within the budget and they said it what we wanted. They signed the contract. DH and I looked at the place first time a few months after the contract was signed. That is when we had a tasting. The only reason we had the tasting 10 months out was DH was not going to be in town again until a few days before the wedding.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • My DH and I went to look at venues together.  He really didn't care where we had it though, so as soon as I got excited about one, he was like, "cool, we have our wedding venue picked out".

    Honestly, I couldn't deal with someone that was that nit picky or demanding.  I would be too afraid that would carry over into other aspects of our life (ie buying a house, deciding on vacation spots, etc).  

    I think in your situation, compromise is key.  He can't have or expect everything.  And really, no guest is going to remember the carpeting or curtains.  Asking to change it is plain ridiculous.
  • Is he always an entitled controlling asshole? Or just about the venue?

    If he's always like this and you're marrying him anyway, I have no advice for you.

    If this is particular to your wedding I think you need to roll everything back to step one. Tell him you aren't the wedding planner, you two are in this together and you won't be asking "how high" when he says "jump."
  • I don't think this problem is about your venue at all.  It is about how the two of you work together to solve an issue, and it doesn't sound promising.  Why do you want to marry this man?
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  • Thanks for all the replies.  What does PITA mean?  

    No, he is not always an entitled controlling asshole and I want to marry him b/c I love him and we are good for one another.  I can't see myself ending a relationship over a disagreement over a damn venue.  While I'm frustrated, at the end of the day, we want to marry each other and BS over venues are just BS.  I wrote the post, b/c I was venting and wanted advice.  

    I think we'll get over the venue issue once he realizes that he cannot have everything 100% his way.  About the church, I told him that he can pick the officiant.  It's just that I want to be married in my childhood church.  If it were up to him, we would be doing a destination wedding, but I told him most of our family members couldn't afford to go to a destination wedding and I'd rather keep it local so that our family can make it.  He was compromising about that.  
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    Thanks for all the replies.  What does PITA mean?  

    No, he is not always an entitled controlling asshole and I want to marry him b/c I love him and we are good for one another.  I can't see myself ending a relationship over a disagreement over a damn venue.  While I'm frustrated, at the end of the day, we want to marry each other and BS over venues are just BS.  I wrote the post, b/c I was venting and wanted advice.  

    I think we'll get over the venue issue once he realizes that he cannot have everything 100% his way.  About the church, I told him that he can pick the officiant.  It's just that I want to be married in my childhood church.  If it were up to him, we would be doing a destination wedding, but I told him most of our family members couldn't afford to go to a destination wedding and I'd rather keep it local so that our family can make it.  He was compromising about that.  
    Terrible reasons to marry someone:

    1.  I love him.
    2.  He makes me feel......  (Fill in the blank.)
    3.  He's hot.
    4.  We have been together a long time.

    Good reasons to marry someone:

    1.  We share the same goals in life.
    2.  We share the same moral values.
    3.  We are well matched intellectually.
    4.  We have mutual respect for each others needs and desires.  (Warning!)
    5.  We are able to work together to resolve conflicts.  (Warning!)
    6.  Our religious beliefs are compatible.
    7.  We are mature enough to make a commitment to each other.

    THINK ABOUT IT!
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  • If you can't plan a wedding together, marriage is going to be difficult.

    You need to figure out how to have a conversation and compromise with your FI without relying on a message board. 

    It's not about bride's way or groom's way, and it's not about evening the score.  You both need to learn to listen to each other and come to a joint solution.  No one is saying you should dump him over a venue fight.  They're saying that this conflict is a symptom of your inability to work together.
  • @CMGragain.  I guess you missed the part where I wrote that we are good together and that pretty much encompasses all of what you wrote as reasons why you should marry someone.  I wasn't going to go into a long paragraph about why I am marrying him, b/c I know why I'm marrying him and my reasoning is sound.  

    Thanks for all the advice, ladies.  And no, I'm not relying on a message board.  It was a vent post and I decided to share something with the community.  It is what it is.  Couples disagree and argue with each other and I don't think a disagreement about a venue is indicative that the two of you cannot work together overall.
  • @CMGragain.  I guess you missed the part where I wrote that we are good together and that pretty much encompasses all of what you wrote as reasons why you should marry someone.  I wasn't going to go into a long paragraph about why I am marrying him, b/c I know why I'm marrying him and my reasoning is sound.  

    Thanks for all the advice, ladies.  And no, I'm not relying on a message board.  It was a vent post and I decided to share something with the community.  It is what it is.  Couples disagree and argue with each other and I don't think a disagreement about a venue is indicative that the two of you cannot work together overall.
    Then why bother?  You say it was a vent, but you were asking questions.  People answered.  Advising the two of you to compromise is perfectly reasonable.

    Your post raised red flags because you FI sounds a bit domineering.  Maybe you were just venting and it wasn't a good picture, but the caring ladies here are just trying to help :)




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  • Does your church provide / require marriage prep?  I would highly recommend it.  
  • No, no, I do appreciate the answers, don't get me wrong or I wouldn't have shared.  I just thought the comment about me not relying on the message board made it seem like I was coming to you guys for all the answers.  We are discussing the issue and seem to be coming to a compromise.   
  • Does your church provide / require marriage prep?  I would highly recommend it.  
    Yes, they do.  And we are definitely going to do it and had decided upon doing it even before this venue issue came up.  
  • Does your church provide / require marriage prep?  I would highly recommend it.  
    Yes, they do.  And we are definitely going to do it and had decided upon doing it even before this venue issue came up.  
    Good.  Because you two should discuss how you handle situations like this in your marriage.
  • PITA = Pain in the Ass






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Glad you two are coming to a compromise! Most if not all couples hit a point where they encounter something they haven't dealt with before (together or at all) and have to work through the best way through it. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail. Just means you need to find that solution now rather than sweep the problem under the rug where it will fester and come back up again later when the stakes are higher.

    I wanted to add... is it possible he's feeling left out of other areas of planning, so that's why he's putting his foot down about ridiculous and uncontrollable aspects like pulling up the carpet? I know it's common for one side (not even making it a bride vs groom thing) to care a lot more about details than the other, so they could accidentally start to steamroll decision-making. I would be sure to involve him in all of the decisions, even those you think he might not care about like flowers, so he feels like he's being heard. For FI and I, there were some things I researched and vetted and got his approval toward the end (officiant, flowers and linens), and others that he was in charge of and got my approval in the end (venue, music and cake/frosting combo). No decision (except my dress) was 100% one or the other.

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  • To answer your original question, my DH picked the ceremony and reception venues without any input from me. They were nice and I said fine. I picked out just about everything else for the wedding. If I had dragged my DH to other venues he would have picked apart everything about them because he's a super picky person. That's just his personality. The venues he chose were up to his "standards" and I thought they were beautiful so win/win. 

    My DH doesn't ask for a lot so letting him pick our wedding venues was a no-brainer for me. It also made things a lot easier on me. I ended up handling all the details after he picked the venue, but I didn't tour them ahead of time. I trust his judgement so I let him handle it. I didn't come to him about cake designs or flower colors or any of those other things that he didn't care about. Compromise is great, but if someone is that passionate about something and you trust them then why not just let him choose on his own?
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  • He sounds like he's being really controlling and entitled about this. With wedding venues, you usually get what you pay for. If he wants something "cheap" they aren't going to change out the carpet/curtains for him... If he's this picky and overall high maintenance, you may have to push the wedding to the following summer. Stuff books up fast and if you snooze you lose. Sorry but that's a risk you need to accept if he's going to be this picky.

    I agree with others that his style of "compromise" (if you can even call it that) is very immature. Honestly, it sounds like he's being a PITA on purpose because he didn't get the destination wedding he wanted and he's exercising control over this. Because seriously..... What dude cares about curtains/carpet and liquor he doesn't even drink?
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  • I think you're getting defensive because people are seeing some very big red flags with his behavior.

    Compromise isn't always, "You pick this and I pick that."   This should be a mutual decision that you both make.   

    Instead, I think you need to sit down and talk about what you BOTH want.    He doesn't get to run with all his desires for the reception simply because you're getting married at your parish.     And the desire to change carpet and drapery border on the absurd.   In fact, they're so absurd they make me wonder if he's actually serious about planning the reception or if he wants to find so many things wrong that there's no way that the event can even take place. 
  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2014

    Haha. This post made me laugh because I could have written it in a similar rant several months ago! I was really taken aback at first by how involved my FI wanted to be in all the planning. I make decisions really fast and just want to get on to the next thing.... he is sooooo deliberate and detailed about his decisions. Just different styles. We butted heads a bit at first, but I just reminded myself that he was being so detailed about it because was REALLY excited about getting married. He wants everything to be perfect. Once you finally get the venue behind you, I'm sure it will get better. Something that helped us was making a huge spreadsheet and dividing it up into definitive tasks that I was in charge of, and tasks he was in charge. Not that either of us made big decisions without any input, but it helped us identify what things each of cared about more. He's probably just really pumped about the wedding!!! And wants it to be great. Who knows, maybe he's been silently daydreaming about it for years and is having a hard time changing up the vision he's had in his head of what the venue will look like.

    Honestly, I don't know a single couple that got through wedding planning without getting annoyed with each other. It's just part of it when you have tens of thousands of dollars on the line, all the family pressure, and you both want everything to be perfect.

  • Are you doing a lot of the background research about everything, and then just taking him to see the venue? If that is the case, I can see him being picky and thinking he'll be able to get "everything". When we started looking at venues, my fiance was appalled at the prices, and kept thinking we could find something we liked just as much for way cheaper. Once he did some research on his own and realized that wasn't the case, he was much more on board with what we'd have to spend, and/or how we could change our vision for something cheaper!

    As for the planning, I agree with some others that you need to totally get rid of the concept of "His Choice" and "My Choice". Even though you really had your heart set on getting married in your childhood church, that doesn't mean that "the church was your choice". It means, hopefully, that you explained to your fiance why it was important to you, and the two of you agreed together that that is where you'd get married. It was a joint decision. Just like the venue needs to be a joint decision.
  • Glad you two are coming to a compromise! Most if not all couples hit a point where they encounter something they haven't dealt with before (together or at all) and have to work through the best way through it. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail. Just means you need to find that solution now rather than sweep the problem under the rug where it will fester and come back up again later when the stakes are higher.

    I wanted to add... is it possible he's feeling left out of other areas of planning, so that's why he's putting his foot down about ridiculous and uncontrollable aspects like pulling up the carpet? I know it's common for one side (not even making it a bride vs groom thing) to care a lot more about details than the other, so they could accidentally start to steamroll decision-making. I would be sure to involve him in all of the decisions, even those you think he might not care about like flowers, so he feels like he's being heard. For FI and I, there were some things I researched and vetted and got his approval toward the end (officiant, flowers and linens), and others that he was in charge of and got my approval in the end (venue, music and cake/frosting combo). No decision (except my dress) was 100% one or the other.
    Thanks!  The thing is we haven't planned anything else yet.  We are just trying to book a place now.  And I agree with all the other posters about the "his choice" versus "my choice."  There's no room for that in wedding planning and I want it to be a team effort, but I'd prefer if we would each pick some major things to take the lead on in terms of research and then we come to a mutual decision.  
    And I think I was getting defensive, b/c I thought it was odd how people jumped to the conclusion that we shouldn't be getting married just because we had one argument about venues...Couples argue from time to time and I don't think that means they need to break up, but rather figure out how to reach a solution that is somewhat pleasing to both people involved.   

    He looked at a few venues himself online while watching football and b/c of that his dream of getting married completely outdoors in our immediate area was squashed as places were quoting 250 pp or crazy high site feels.  So I think he's slowly seeing what the price points get you.  
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