Help! Letting someone down easy...

Re: Help! Letting someone down easy...

• bberkeland member

  

  August 2014

  We are having about 50 attend the ceremony as the church is small, and we were hoping to keep it small. Immediately following the ceremony we will be serving lunch in the church basement for those in attendance. Later in the evening we rented out a bar/restaurant and invited nearly 300 people to attend a cocktail party like reception, with just appetizers, drinks and dancing. So those people invited just to the reception received an invite indicating it was just that, that it was a celebration of our marriage. We had to also send an added invite to the 50 people coming to the ceremony so they'd know those details. I know this isn't the traditional way of doing things, but there isn't a way to change things at this point since everything is set to go. We just do not have room for this cousin and her family. Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate any help!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2014

  
  

  bberkeland said:

  We are having about 50 attend the ceremony as the church is small, and we were hoping to keep it small. Immediately following the ceremony we will be serving lunch in the church basement for those in attendance. Later in the evening we rented out a bar/restaurant and invited nearly 300 people to attend a cocktail party like reception, with just appetizers, drinks and dancing. So those people invited just to the reception received an invite indicating it was just that, that it was a celebration of our marriage. We had to also send an added invite to the 50 people coming to the ceremony so they'd know those details. I know this isn't the traditional way of doing things, but there isn't a way to change things at this point since everything is set to go. We just do not have room for this cousin and her family. Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate any help!

  I'm afraid most, if not all, of the feedback you'll get will tell you that you planned very badly to invite 300 people to a "reception" for an occasion that only 50 get to attend, and you should have thought of the consequences where there was still time to change things.  It has nothing to do with "traditional ways of doing things" and everything to do with not hurting people's feelings.
  

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• bberkeland member

  

  August 2014

  Oh boy, okay, I did ask for feedback. So thanks, I will deal with the consequences.

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• kimberly0315 member

  

  August 2014

  I would be really upset and feel like you were just after a wedding gift if I wasn't invited to witness the actual wedding. Like the @Jen4948 said, it has nothing to do with "traditional way of doing things" and everything to do with not hurting people's feelings. As for your cousin, you mine as well just tell her. I think her feelings will be hurt either way that she isn't invited to the actual wedding. She may no longer wish to attend the cocktail party at this point. I know I wouldn't. Good luck.

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• bberkeland member

  

  August 2014

  All good points. It has been addressed and we are dealing with the consequences for making this decision.

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  August 2014

  This is actually etiquette-approved, guys. The cocktail party isn't the wedding reception - the lunch is. The cocktail party is just that, and is no different than an at-home party after a DW, or what we tell people to have after a PPD. There's nothing technically wrong with a private ceremony and large reception, as long as the ceremony is kept very small and private. Yes, this is bigger than generally "allowed" for that... but these are two different events, not tiered hospitality.

  
  

  OP, your main problem was sending the invitations in the same envelope. They should have been kept separate - ceremony+reception is one event, cocktail party is an entirely separate event that should have its own separate invitation. But that ship has sailed. Tell your cousin "we're very sorry for the misunderstanding, but due to size constraints we were unable to invite as many as we'd like to our wedding and reception. We hope we'll still see you at our celebration afterward."

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• Fran1985 member

  

  August 2014

  lolo883 said:

  This is actually etiquette-approved, guys. The cocktail party isn't the wedding reception - the lunch is. The cocktail party is just that, and is no different than an at-home party after a DW, or what we tell people to have after a PPD. There's nothing technically wrong with a private ceremony and large reception, as long as the ceremony is kept very small and private. Yes, this is bigger than generally "allowed" for that... but these are two different events, not tiered hospitality.

  
  

  OP, your main problem was sending the invitations in the same envelope. They should have been kept separate - ceremony+reception is one event, cocktail party is an entirely separate event that should have its own separate invitation. But that ship has sailed. Tell your cousin "we're very sorry for the misunderstanding, but due to size constraints we were unable to invite as many as we'd like to our wedding and reception. We hope we'll still see you at our celebration afterward."

  This is the definition of a tiered reception. People show up and realize they weren't invited to the real reception. It is not etiquette approved at all.
  

  
  
  

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• manateehugger member

  

  August 2014

  Fran1985 said:

  lolo883 said:

  This is actually etiquette-approved, guys. The cocktail party isn't the wedding reception - the lunch is. The cocktail party is just that, and is no different than an at-home party after a DW, or what we tell people to have after a PPD. There's nothing technically wrong with a private ceremony and large reception, as long as the ceremony is kept very small and private. Yes, this is bigger than generally "allowed" for that... but these are two different events, not tiered hospitality.

  
  

  OP, your main problem was sending the invitations in the same envelope. They should have been kept separate - ceremony+reception is one event, cocktail party is an entirely separate event that should have its own separate invitation. But that ship has sailed. Tell your cousin "we're very sorry for the misunderstanding, but due to size constraints we were unable to invite as many as we'd like to our wedding and reception. We hope we'll still see you at our celebration afterward."

  This is the definition of a tiered reception. People show up and realize they weren't invited to the real reception. It is not etiquette approved at all.
  

  Yeah, sorry, I don't agree at all. I view this no differently than when couples invite people only to the dancing part of the reception.
  

  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  August 2014

  manateehugger said:

  Fran1985 said:

  lolo883 said:

  This is actually etiquette-approved, guys. The cocktail party isn't the wedding reception - the lunch is. The cocktail party is just that, and is no different than an at-home party after a DW, or what we tell people to have after a PPD. There's nothing technically wrong with a private ceremony and large reception, as long as the ceremony is kept very small and private. Yes, this is bigger than generally "allowed" for that... but these are two different events, not tiered hospitality.

  
  

  OP, your main problem was sending the invitations in the same envelope. They should have been kept separate - ceremony+reception is one event, cocktail party is an entirely separate event that should have its own separate invitation. But that ship has sailed. Tell your cousin "we're very sorry for the misunderstanding, but due to size constraints we were unable to invite as many as we'd like to our wedding and reception. We hope we'll still see you at our celebration afterward."

  This is the definition of a tiered reception. People show up and realize they weren't invited to the real reception. It is not etiquette approved at all.
  

  Yeah, sorry, I don't agree at all. I view this no differently than when couples invite people only to the dancing part of the reception.
  

  If this were taking place in the church hall directly following the lunch, I would agree completely. Or if the invitation to this event called it a wedding reception, I would agree completely. But she said she called it a "celebration of their marriage" not a "wedding" in the invitation. It's in a different location. It's a different event. Does it suck to only get invited to the after party but not the big show? Of course. And she should expect declines for that reason. And obviously since there's confusion, they could have been worded and delivered differently. But she's hosting her ceremony guests appropriately with a reception, that event is ending. and then another one is starting later. I think in theory, this is OK.

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• Fran1985 member

  

  August 2014

  manateehugger said:

  Fran1985 said:

  lolo883 said:

  This is actually etiquette-approved, guys. The cocktail party isn't the wedding reception - the lunch is. The cocktail party is just that, and is no different than an at-home party after a DW, or what we tell people to have after a PPD. There's nothing technically wrong with a private ceremony and large reception, as long as the ceremony is kept very small and private. Yes, this is bigger than generally "allowed" for that... but these are two different events, not tiered hospitality.

  
  

  OP, your main problem was sending the invitations in the same envelope. They should have been kept separate - ceremony+reception is one event, cocktail party is an entirely separate event that should have its own separate invitation. But that ship has sailed. Tell your cousin "we're very sorry for the misunderstanding, but due to size constraints we were unable to invite as many as we'd like to our wedding and reception. We hope we'll still see you at our celebration afterward."

  This is the definition of a tiered reception. People show up and realize they weren't invited to the real reception. It is not etiquette approved at all.
  

  Yeah, sorry, I don't agree at all. I view this no differently than when couples invite people only to the dancing part of the reception.
  

  Sorry with me or with Lolo? I view this the same as the dancing part of the reception too, which I find rude as well. Also your sig is my everything.
  

  
  
  

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• manateehugger member

  

  August 2014

  Fran1985 said:

  manateehugger said:

  Fran1985 said:

  lolo883 said:

  This is actually etiquette-approved, guys. The cocktail party isn't the wedding reception - the lunch is. The cocktail party is just that, and is no different than an at-home party after a DW, or what we tell people to have after a PPD. There's nothing technically wrong with a private ceremony and large reception, as long as the ceremony is kept very small and private. Yes, this is bigger than generally "allowed" for that... but these are two different events, not tiered hospitality.

  
  

  OP, your main problem was sending the invitations in the same envelope. They should have been kept separate - ceremony+reception is one event, cocktail party is an entirely separate event that should have its own separate invitation. But that ship has sailed. Tell your cousin "we're very sorry for the misunderstanding, but due to size constraints we were unable to invite as many as we'd like to our wedding and reception. We hope we'll still see you at our celebration afterward."

  This is the definition of a tiered reception. People show up and realize they weren't invited to the real reception. It is not etiquette approved at all.
  

  Yeah, sorry, I don't agree at all. I view this no differently than when couples invite people only to the dancing part of the reception.
  

  Sorry with me or with Lolo? I view this the same as the dancing part of the reception too, which I find rude as well. Also your sig is my everything.
  

  Agree with you, disagree with Lolo. Sorry - negative points for non-clarity.
  
  And I fucking love my sig. It makes my own day. Glad to share the day-making.
  

  

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• lurkergirl member

  

  August 2014

  I can see both sides of the debate. On the one hand, having a celebration of marriage party is basically what we advise brides to do when they want a PPD. So, if she has a wedding and reception in the afternoon, and then the party later, I think that's not TOO bad.

  On the other hand, if everyone is still wearing wedding attire and they save the reception-type events for the cocktail party, then it does really just seem like a tiered party.

  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  August 2014

  lurkergirl said:

  I can see both sides of the debate. On the one hand, having a celebration of marriage party is basically what we advise brides to do when they want a PPD. So, if she has a wedding and reception in the afternoon, and then the party later, I think that's not TOO bad.

  On the other hand, if everyone is still wearing wedding attire and they save the reception-type events for the cocktail party, then it does really just seem like a tiered party.

  Oh yeah for sure, all the wedding things would have to happen at the wedding reception aka the lunch. The cake, the bouquet, the dances, everything that screams wedding. Your cocktail party CANNOT LOOK OR FEEL like a wedding reception. Keep your dress on, whatever, that doesn't bother me. But no other wedding stuff.

  
  

  And hopefully your cocktail party invitations didn't look like wedding invitations.

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  August 2014

  flantastic said:

  I think that Lolo is only right on a technicality. I think in reality, people will still be offended and have a right to be, considering the reception and celebration are on the same day, just with a gap, and the cocktail party isn't as hosted as the reception. If I were going to attend a "celebration of marriage" regardless of the day, I would hope it was at least as nice as attending a reception.

  Totally agree it's a technicality. It's nothing I would ever encourage or recommend, but TECHNICALLY I don't think she's breaking the rules, even if this isn't the most polite plan. We can help her salvage her plans and not make this any worse.

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