Wedding Etiquette Forum

Drawing the Line on Girl Time

So in general I am being very inclusive with regard to all SOs when it comes to all aspects of my wedding and pre-wedding events, as etiquette requires, but I do have one question. One of my BMs is gay and in a relationship with a girl, and I'm just wondering if it's acceptable to not include her in certain "girls only" events that other SOs won't be invited to because duh, they are guys. I'm talking specifically like bachelorette party (which will just be me and my BMs, not sure if other female friends outside of the bridal party are traditionally invited to these types of events but we're not going that route... oh and to be clear I'm not planning my own bachelorette, one of my other BMs who has offered to throw me one came to me asking about if she needs to include BM's GF) and morning-of-wedding pampering (also just bridal party plus moms). She IS traveling to be at my wedding, so there's that. I would love to have those times for just me and the gals in my bridal party (which is small and very close-knit), but I also don't want to be rude. And then there's the issue of what's fair to other SOs- this is probably immature of me but I know from past experience hanging out with my BM and her GF for "girl time" that I personally get bummed being around another couple without my FI- all of a sudden I just start noticing every little gesture and get all like, awwww I want to hold hands right now etc. So what do you ladies think, do invitations need to be extended in these scenarios?

Re: Drawing the Line on Girl Time

  • So in general I am being very inclusive with regard to all SOs when it comes to all aspects of my wedding and pre-wedding events, as etiquette requires, but I do have one question. One of my BMs is gay and in a relationship with a girl, and I'm just wondering if it's acceptable to not include her in certain "girls only" events that other SOs won't be invited to because duh, they are guys. I'm talking specifically like bachelorette party (which will just be me and my BMs, not sure if other female friends outside of the bridal party are traditionally invited to these types of events but we're not going that route... oh and to be clear I'm not planning my own bachelorette, one of my other BMs who has offered to throw me one came to me asking about if she needs to include BM's GF) and morning-of-wedding pampering (also just bridal party plus moms). She IS traveling to be at my wedding, so there's that. I would love to have those times for just me and the gals in my bridal party (which is small and very close-knit), but I also don't want to be rude. And then there's the issue of what's fair to other SOs- this is probably immature of me but I know from past experience hanging out with my BM and her GF for "girl time" that I personally get bummed being around another couple without my FI- all of a sudden I just start noticing every little gesture and get all like, awwww I want to hold hands right now etc. So what do you ladies think, do invitations need to be extended in these scenarios?
    No, she would not need to be invited unless you wanted her to be.
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  • It's fine to exclude Bridesmaid's GF from events that are really bridal party only.  You can tell your bridesmaids when GF can join in (as in "It will just be the wedding party until noon, so we can do hair and make-up, but GF can meet us at the hotel at 12:15 for pictures.")   

    However, you do also need to be prepared for Bridesmaid to opt out of some or all activities to spend time with GF instead.  And if GF is not familiar with your location, or does not know many people invited, it might be harder for Bridesmaid to feel comfortable participating.  Would you be able to connect GF to people with whom she'd enjoy spending time during the bachelorette and the morning of?  Or, would you be okay with GF attending the bach but not participating the morning of?  Just a few things to think about.
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  • I would try to keep is across the board. If you're not close with BM's gf, I would be annoyed that H wasn't invited to the same events. 
  • If you say it's "bridal party only" time instead of girl time, I think that's makes it clear enough without singling anyone out.
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  • If you say it's "bridal party only" time instead of girl time, I think that's makes it clear enough without singling anyone out.
    I agree with this.  "Girl time" does leave the door open for misinterpretations as to whether or not the SO is welcome because of her sex.
  • I think the events that YOU are planning are fine to keep to the BP only (like getting ready the morning of), but leave it up to the hosts of other events regarding whether or not the GF Is included.    
  • If you say it's "bridal party only" time instead of girl time, I think that's makes it clear enough without singling anyone out.

    I agree. Calling it "girl time" also leaves it open to the GMs' GFs. Saying that's it's "BP only" doesn't allow any extras.
  • My sister is gay and we just had this same conversation. While her wife was invited to my bachelorette party - they thought it better that only my sister attend. When they each are invited to girls weekends - they go just one or the other unless it's pretty obvious that other lesbian couples will be there -and the ladies are close friends with both of them. When my sister's wife is invited to "Smithy" events - it's ladies only, no SO's - and my sister does not attend.

    I do agree that calling them bridal party only events is smarter and leaves little room for interpretation. 
  • Agree with PPs in calling it BP time and not girl time. I invited my gay friend's girlfriend for all of our girls nights, because she is a girl. 
  • What the others said, say it's "just for the bridal party" or "for the bridesmaids" not "just for the girls". Just for the girls makes it sounds like she's not one of the girls and she is, she's a girl. There are few things gay men and women hate more then being assumed one of us is the man and one of us in the woman. And while you very well may not assume that at all, saying she's not "one of the girls" implies it.

    Now, I love FI. I mean, I'm marrying her, she's fantastic, I love spending them with her. But also, sometimes, I like hanging out with just my friends. And she likes hanging out with just her friends too. So I wouldn't feel guilty or anything that you're doing something with just your bridal party. They love each other sure. But I'm sure they like a little time away from each other too.
  • I like hanging out with my female friends sometimes without my husband.  I assume your BM also likes hanging out with her female friends sometimes without her girlfriend.  Unless the girlfriend is extremely sensitive, i don't think she will feel slighted by not being invited to your obviously bridal-party-only bachelorette party.  You are overthinking this.
  • Your BM's girlfriend is her significant other, and should be treated just like any other of the BM's significant others: invited to rehearsal dinner if there will be a rehearsal, invited to the wedding by name on the same invitation as the BM, and seated beside the BM for the reception. Take their genders out of the equation, and long as you've done these things above, you're totally cool.
  • If you aren't including any other SO's then it would be rude of your bridesmaid to think her GF should be included. It's your day, and it's your decision. But no, if you are only including BM's or your family, she should not expect to be invited simply because she is a woman. She isn't part of your bridal party.
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