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InLaw Question

nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
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in Wedding Woes
My inlaws want to throw a party for us for the friends they didn't invite or were not able to come three weeks before our wedding. I have polietly informed that 3 weeks before the wedding will not happen and that we can do it the month after. To give you some history- we are having a smaller wedding and the guest list was small. My in laws invited all their "have toos" rather than the "want toos". Some of their guests have declined and we didnt want to fill them up and rather have a small wedding. This has always been conveyed (but thats another story). I told my FH that I thought it was a slap in the face to their friends as well as my parents. (My in laws havent paid offered to help out -money wise or wedding prep wise- what so ever and have blamed my parents for the small list) My FH is not understand that 3 weeks before our wedding will not happen (I have explained I have something to do every weekend leading up to the wedding but he has me to move it around) HELP!
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Re: InLaw Question

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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    You are coming across....not nice.

    Make time.  Smile graciously.  Thank them for throwing you a party.  This is getting ready to be your family and you are being pretty damning for no particularly good reason that I can see.  

    Between this and your other post, you're coming across as being ugly to your future husband's family.
    citychick2014 said:
    My inlaws want to throw a party for us for the friends they didn't invite or were not able to come three weeks before our wedding. I have polietly informed that 3 weeks before the wedding will not happen and that we can do it the month after. To give you some history- we are having a smaller wedding and the guest list was small. My in laws invited all their "have toos" rather than the "want toos". Some of their guests have declined and we didnt want to fill them up and rather have a small wedding. This has always been conveyed (but thats another story). I told my FH that I thought it was a slap in the face to their friends as well as my parents. (My in laws havent paid offered to help out -money wise or wedding prep wise- what so ever and have blamed my parents for the small list) My FH is not understand that 3 weeks before our wedding will not happen (I have explained I have something to do every weekend leading up to the wedding but he has me to move it around) HELP!

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    nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    VarunaTT- you have no idea the crazyness that they have put me through. Little snide marks here and there to me about the wedding. Also, I do not think it is unfair to ask for this little gathering not to be 3 weeks before our wedding but rather after it. Correct? They have caused so much stress for myself regarding their list
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker

    The little snide remarks are probably because your being a pain in the ass. 

    They want to celebrate their son and future daughter in law.  Can you honestly not spare any time leading up to the wedding?  Your FH seems to think there is time.

    I don't see how this is a slap in the face to your family either.

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    nychick10112014nychick10112014 member
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    I am not being a pain in the ass. Thank you. My FH hasnt been involved in the planning as he has had NO interest in it so he doesnt know what is going on. So no, if you are approaching your wedding and have legit every weekend booked up- then you would understand. Everything always comes down to the last few weeks- you should know.

    My Future MIL gets in my FH's head all the time and one minute he is OK with a small wedding and the next he is not and has his mothers thoughts as his own. OK?
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker

    You know what, 9+ years after my wedding I can't tell you what I was doing in the 3 wks leading up to the wedding.  I can tell you sort of relationship I have with my ILs.  Don't let the WEDDING details change the relationships you have in your MARRIAGE.

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    PMeg819PMeg819 member
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    citychick2014 said:
    My Future MIL gets in my FH's head all the time and one minute he is OK with a small wedding and the next he is not and has his mothers thoughts as his own. OK?

    So why are you marrying someone who is so easily controlled by his mother? Like he cannot think independently and is so easily swayed by her? You want to marry that? Because I can tell you this, the behavior your future husband and his family are exhibiting will not change after the wedding. What you deem ridiculous demands are just going to continue and you will come off as an inflexible, bitchy snot.
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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    PMeg819 said:
    citychick2014 said:
    My Future MIL gets in my FH's head all the time and one minute he is OK with a small wedding and the next he is not and has his mothers thoughts as his own. OK?

    So why are you marrying someone who is so easily controlled by his mother? Like he cannot think independently and is so easily swayed by her? You want to marry that? Because I can tell you this, the behavior your future husband and his family are exhibiting will not change after the wedding. What you deem ridiculous demands are just going to continue and you will come off as an inflexible, bitchy snot.
    This. Sorry, but he doesn't sound like husband material.  Not too late to postpone and see if he can be a big boy and cut the apron strings before committing.
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    Fran1985 Fran1985 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    You are coming across....not nice.

    Make time.  Smile graciously.  Thank them for throwing you a party.  This is getting ready to be your family and you are being pretty damning for no particularly good reason that I can see.  

    Between this and your other post, you're coming across as being ugly to your future husband's family.
    citychick2014 said:
    My inlaws want to throw a party for us for the friends they didn't invite or were not able to come three weeks before our wedding. I have polietly informed that 3 weeks before the wedding will not happen and that we can do it the month after. To give you some history- we are having a smaller wedding and the guest list was small. My in laws invited all their "have toos" rather than the "want toos". Some of their guests have declined and we didnt want to fill them up and rather have a small wedding. This has always been conveyed (but thats another story). I told my FH that I thought it was a slap in the face to their friends as well as my parents. (My in laws havent paid offered to help out -money wise or wedding prep wise- what so ever and have blamed my parents for the small list) My FH is not understand that 3 weeks before our wedding will not happen (I have explained I have something to do every weekend leading up to the wedding but he has me to move it around) HELP!


    I would decline the party, not because you are too busy but because its weird to have a "not invited" party before the wedding. I would find that to be really weird.

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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    If you don't want to go to the party, don't go to the party. Your ILs can throw anything they want, and invite anyone they want, anytime they want. Likewise, you get to decide whether or not you show up. It's an invitation, not a summons.

    But more importantly, I'd like to point out that you are not always right. You ask for advice, and what should you do, and when people tell you something you don't want to hear, you're all "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MEANIE!" 

    If you're just going to do whatever the fuck you want, why are you asking for advice? If you want validation, say so - but know that you probably won't get it if you're wrong. And YOU'RE WRONG. In both this and the other thread. 

    Neither you nor your fiance strike me as being old enough to be married, frankly. 
    image
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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Bmom's response is (though I was looking for something that was a wig snatch from RPDR):

    imageimage

    Also, my gif usage is in direct proportion to the work I have.  No work?  Lots of gifs.  Work?  No gifs.
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    themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I'm not sure what your other post was so I can't speak to that but I do understand why you would not want to have a big party three weeks before your wedding... and I do think it's a bit odd to have a "not invited" party three weeks before the wedding as well. You need to make it clear to your FI that this is not something you want, and then talk through the issue until you are both on the same page. The biggest issue I see in your post, as others have pointed out, is that your are possibly getting ready to marry someone who is not prepared to put you before his mother. Explain to him that that is your fear and figure out if you can go forward with this marriage knowing that quite possibly he will always be unable to put you first. Then politely decline the party or suck it up and make time- whatever decision you come to (assuming the wedding is still on).
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    thejucheideathejucheidea member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    citychick2014 said:
    VarunaTT- you have no idea the crazyness that they have put me through. Little snide marks here and there to me about the wedding. Also, I do not think it is unfair to ask for this little gathering not to be 3 weeks before our wedding but rather after it. Correct? They have caused so much stress for myself regarding their list
    My husband's family told us that our marriage was doomed to failure unless we accepted Jesus into our relationship. This was after our Buddhist wedding where we made it very clear that we're both, you know, not Christian.

    Despite that, I'm still kind to them and treat them fairly. They insulted a huge and very personal part of our lives -- our religion -- and we still respect them. 

    I think you're way overreacting about a very small thing. Like my grandma says, this is a lump in your oatmeal, not a lump in your breast. If you don't want to have the party, don't have it. If you want to have it post-wedding, explain that you want it post-wedding. Be gracious and kind -- they're going to be your family for as long as you're married to your husband, so you shouldn't already be burning bridges.

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