I need to vent quickly about my FMIL or my head might explode.

Re: I need to vent quickly about my FMIL or my head might explode.

• RebeccaFlower member

  

  August 2014

  I don't have social anxiety and this would seriously piss me off. She's showing a lack of respect for your time. I know you don't want to rock the boat, but I think you need to gently say something. Is she hot and cold that she'd be pissy? It sounds like she's wonderful and maybe just doesn't realize she's overstepping?

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• climbingsingle member

  

  August 2014

  RebeccaFlower said:

  I don't have social anxiety and this would seriously piss me off. She's showing a lack of respect for your time. I know you don't want to rock the boat, but I think you need to gently say something. Is she hot and cold that she'd be pissy? It sounds like she's wonderful and maybe just doesn't realize she's overstepping?

  That definitely could be it.  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2014

  Put this stuff out of your mind because it might never come to pass.  She is speaking of next summer and who knows if FMIL will remember all of these adventures she has planned for you.  When next summer comes around and she does still want to do this, I would probably try to do some and be busy during other events.  

  

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• MegEn1 member

  

  August 2014

  My dad used to put me on the phone with his new 'friend' every time he had one. (Female friend). He'd be like, "Here, talk to Sharon." Because I usually called him on the way to or from work, I did the old 'What, what? I can't hear you, what?"
  
  I don't want to talk to strangers on the phone. And I don't want to stay at strangers' houses. So rude to put me in a position where I don't have the choice.
  

  
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• LittlePeachBlossom member

  

  August 2014

  If you think she'll understand, yes tell her you don't feel comfortable with it. If you think she won't understand and it's not worth upsetting her, try saying something like oh that's sweet, it'll be great for you to get together and catch up. If she follows up saying she'd like you to go, say you'll see but vacation days sometimes fly by so you'd rather play it by ear when the time comes.

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• JaxInBlue member

  

  August 2014

  OliveOilsMom said:

  Put this stuff out of your mind because it might never come to pass.  She is speaking of next summer and who knows if FMIL will remember all of these adventures she has planned for you.  When next summer comes around and she does still want to do this, I would probably try to do some and be busy during other events.  

  I agree with this.  She sounds like she's excited about you officially joining the family and having a daughter to join in on things with her girl friends.  I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't know that (a) she's overstepping in terms of your time and (b) these types of plans cause you anxiety.  If she knows about the second, she probably doesn't think you'd be anxious around her friends because to her they are not strangers and she is not a stranger to you. 
  
  I'd wait until she's got more concrete plans in mind and then decide if it's worth a conversation with her about your comfortable level or if, as PPs suggested, you just want to be busy that day.  FWIW, I think it's perfectly fine to tell her you aren't comfortable going to visit her friends without knowing them better and offering an alternative you would be more comfortable with, ie: "I'm not comfortable committing to a weekend at Christine's, but I'd love for join you both for lunch the next time she visits you here."
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  August 2014

  Thanks guys. Sometimes I just need to be talked down off the ledge, you know? My anxiety is like off the charts this week, and sometimes people asking these things of me just gets me crazed. 

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• pinkcow13 member

  

  August 2014

  Yea, that would totally annoy me too. Since the plans seem so far into the future, hopefully she will have forgotten about them by then. If not - you have plans that weekend

                               

  

  
  

   

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• wandajune6 member

  

  August 2014

  I agree with the PPs. It's all unlikely to happen. If it does, either go ahead and have the conversation - or, better yet, have your FI do it - or make up conflicting plans. There's no reason you have to go along with this.
  

  

  

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• sarawifenow member

  

  August 2014

  MegEn1 said:

  My dad used to put me on the phone with his new 'friend' every time he had one. (Female friend). He'd be like, "Here, talk to Sharon." Because I usually called him on the way to or from work, I did the old 'What, what? I can't hear you, what?"
  
  I don't want to talk to strangers on the phone. And I don't want to stay at strangers' houses. So rude to put me in a position where I don't have the choice.
  

  
  My dad does this and it drives me crazy. This is probably on of the reasons that I don't see my dad except maybe once or twice a year.

  

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• jdluvr06 member

  

  August 2014

  Chances are these are things said in passing and will likely never happen. They sound more like ideas than concrete plans. Don't worry about it.

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• ElcaB member

  

  August 2014

  FMIL sounds really nice, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she is making extra effort to include you and find ways to bond with you over all these people?

  
  

  If it's not possible for you to say something, I'd bank on her forgetting about all these plans and hoping they don't come to pass. Hang in there!

  

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• Fran1985 member

  

  August 2014

  I think these are like when you run into someone and do the old "we've got to get lunch sometime" as long as she is not saying we made plans for this saturday at 8, I would just let it go.

  
  
  

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• Senecaf member

  

  August 2014

  Yeah I wouldn't fret too much on that. If they really do happen and you still are not comfortable have FI ask his mother to check with you both before making plans. Then have a backpack full of "other things" ready

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY said:

  I love her and she's such a sweet lady. It's so nice that she wants to include me in everything. But she keeps making plans for me, and it's really fucking pissing me off! 

  
  

  She has a friend that lives in Saratoga. I have never met this woman and her husband before. The first time I'll meet them is at the wedding. This is the text I get from FMIL last week. "Was just talking to Christine. I told her we'd all come up next summer and stay at her house for a long weekend." 

  Ugh. Wonderful. Just what my social anxiety loves! Staying in someone's house that I don't fucking know! 

  
  

  FI has a friend Caren. I also know Caren through mutual friends from years ago. We just realized that Caren's mom and FMIL know each other. I have never in my life met Caren's mother. FMIL again just texted me this. "Was just talking to Caren's mom. She's so great. I told her next time I come up after the wedding, we're all going to go to dinner. You'll love her." 

  
  

  Now, I realize that this may not be a problem for a person without anxiety. But for me, all of this sounds like a nightmare. And she doesn't even ask me. It's just assumed. And because I'm a people pleaser and I hate any kind of confrontation, I'll just go along with it. Sure, I can speak up. I can tell FMIL, "You know, I'm really not comfortable doing that." But then I risk upsetting her. She thinks of me as the daughter she's never had and I don't want that to change at all. I don't want her to be disappointed in me. I don't want her to feel differently about me. She gushes to all of her friends (and everyone she meets) how much she loves me. I'm lucky to have that! 

  
  

  So, thank you for letting me vent ladies. I feel better now. Phew. 

  I don't have social anxiety and this shit would annoy the fuck out of me.  I personally would nip this shit very politely and tactfully in the bud.
  
  To the bolded- I don't mean to sound harsh or like an ass, but these are all things you might want to consider working on.    It is not your job in life to please other people at all times.  And it's an impossible task, honestly.  You can let your FMIL know that you aren't interested or comfortable in doing certain things, and she will not hate you.  Sure she might be disappointed, but that's life.  You are not responsible for her feelings- that's her bag of rocks that she needs to deal with.
  
  ETA: She sounds like a very nice person and I don't think she would change her relationship with you if you declined some trips or stying places you weren't comfortable staying.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• lc07 member

  

  August 2014

  I totally get it. I suffer from anxiety as well, though not specifically social anxiety. However, if my calendar is full of things - even if it's fun things with friends - I freak out. So I do understand the time commitment anxiety and anxiety in general.

  
  

  I agree with the PPs. It's something you can deal with when solid plans are forming. I'm glad she isn't booking you for lunch dates with her friends or vacations and committing that you will come without asking you. THAT would be something you'd need to discuss. This, I'd let it go as her being friendly and excited to be a part of your life and have you be a part of hers.

  
  

  Perhaps one day you will feel comfortable discussing your anxiety with her in a context that does not relate to her actions and ideas so she has a better understanding of you.

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• steph861 member

  

  August 2014

  My paternal grandmother was like this. If we (me, parents and sister) were going on vacation, she would phone any relatives that lived nearby (even if they were distant relatives) and tell them that we were going to visit them. She meant well, but boy did it piss my parents off. My dad had to ask her not to do it anymore.

  
  
  
  
  

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• kns1988 member

  

  August 2014

  ClimbingBrideNY

  
  

  I also have social anxiety, and I totally understand what you're feeling. I would be super anxious about 1. having my coveted weekends disappear, 2. being expected to spend time with strangers, and 3. upsetting my FMIL if I said anything. I agree with PPs who have said just wait until she tries to make solid plans and then ward her off. 

  
  

  But yeah, I feel your pain. I told my family at one point that it was hard to find free weekends under short notice, so now they've started planning things 2 to 3 months in advance that they expect me to attend. I'm 25 and live 3 hours away from them... it's a struggle. 

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