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Small wedding, small reception, bigger party later - how to invite?

tamarak3891tamarak3891 member
Third Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiance and I are planning a small wedding (58-65 people) as we are paying for the wedding ourselves. He has a very large family and we both have a lot of friends. We can't afford a wedding that would allow us to include everyone. We are planning on having a large backyard cookout a few days later with everyone (those who attended the wedding and those we couldn't invite to it). It will be casual (no wedding dress, no gifts, just grilling and grill out food but will probably have wedding cupcakes or something). My question is should we send engagement announcements (DIY for sure) to the people who will not be invited to the wedding but will be invited to the grill out with an explanation? Something along the lines of "While we won't be able to invite all of those we love and would want to share our wedding day with, we hope you will join us later to celebrate...) and then include the details?
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Re: Small wedding, small reception, bigger party later - how to invite?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited August 2014
    Yeah, I don't understand how you can afford to host all those people a few days after the wedding for a second party but not at the first party. But to answer your question, just send invitations that indicate it's a reception celebrating your recent marriage.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    sarahbear31 said:


    tamarak3891 said:

    My fiance and I are planning a small wedding (58-65 people) as we are paying for the wedding ourselves. He has a very large family and we both have a lot of friends. We can't afford a wedding that would allow us to include everyone. We are planning on having a large backyard cookout a few days later with everyone (those who attended the wedding and those we couldn't invite to it). It will be casual (no wedding dress, no gifts, just grilling and grill out food but will probably have wedding cupcakes or something). My question is should we send engagement announcements (DIY for sure) to the people who will not be invited to the wedding but will be invited to the grill out with an explanation? Something along the lines of "While we won't be able to invite all of those we love and would want to share our wedding day with, we hope you will join us later to celebrate...) and then include the details?




    Why not have a simple backyard wedding and grill out as a reception?

    Also, don't say anything about how they are not invited to your wedding. I would have the BBQ later so that it doesn't feel like a "second tier" invite. And definitely no wedding cupcakes. Just have an awesome party.

    This...have the reception AS a bbq. that way you can invite everyone you want and no one gets left out. It's much more cost effective that way.
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Also, how big is this second party? 58-65 isn't small. If the second party is over 300, then fine, but I think a 65 person wedding, then a 125 person party (for example) is not cool. In that case, just have your wedding and leave it alone. 

    OP, what you're doing isn't really popular around here. It makes guests feel second rate, even though I'm sure that's not your intention. Isn't have everyone you love at your wedding more important than the location, reception food and the bells and whistles? I just guess I don't understand how you can't host them the day of, but can two days later. 
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Wait. This second party isn't potluck is it? Because generally, two parties are more expensive than one anyway, unless of course you're putting the costs on your guests. Which is, needless to say, not something anyone should ever do.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is all not a good idea. How would you feel if you were told you weren't among the couple' stop tier? You're not as good as the first 65? I'd be hurt. Come up with a plan to either include everyone or to be satisfied with a smaller number. No in-betweens, as you're currently planning.
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    martha1818 said:

    Agree with everyone else about just having a big backyard reception for everyone. I never understand these "after the fact" parties. You get one wedding day, and IMO any celebration parties afterwards are just AWish. If you can't invite everyone you want to your wedding that's fine; people will understand. No one cares about your wedding more than you do-I don't mean this in a mean way, I just think it gets across the opinion that a second celebration party comes off as AWish.


    This 100%.  And this is a serious question - what if anyone in the top tier is from out of town? Do they need to stay a few extra days to go to the second party?

    It's presumptuous to think people will be fine being second tier. It's presumptuous to think people want to dedicate several days to your wedding. It's just all very presumptuous to me. 

     And for the love of all things holy I hope the cookout isn't potluck.
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    martha1818 said:

    If you can't invite everyone you want to your wedding that's fine; people will understand.


    Because I can't figure out to quote and make bold on my iPad - sorry for the double response. But 1000% to this! People may be hurt not getting invited to your wedding but with time they will understand and get over it. 

    What people will not understand or get over is treating them poorly.  Hosting a consolation party or a full on tiered reception is not an appropriate middle ground or a way to please everyone. In fact, it actually causes more hurt feelings because it shows exactly where you stand with the host.  Which basically is "good enough to give a gift but not quite good enough to be hosted better at the main event". Gross. 
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  • SammiNJonniSammiNJonni member
    Tenth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Combo Breaker
    If you can afford to host everyone for the BBQ why don't you just do a BBQ reception and invite them all to the wedding? If the fancier wedding is important people understand not everyone will be invited to a wedding and they will get over it. 
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  • Knottie07461796Knottie07461796 member
    First Comment
    I'm not sure if I would host an additional party for others as I am having a small wedding also, We considered meeting up with other people who were not invited afterwards at a local nightclub/bar that plays live music, but are considering against that. I feel if you are having a small intimate wedding ceremony/reception, HAVE THAT. Be unapologetic with why people couldn't and didn't get invites. If this happened to me (which it partially did, I was invited to someone's wedding, but not the reception) I was hurt when I found out others were there that were at the wedding, but I got over it, however, I would have rather not been invited at all. People will still wish you well. And if they are true friends/family they will understand. Life will continue to go on and your LOVE with your husband will continue to flourish. 
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