Rehearsal dinner - step mom hosting, hates ex wife, how to handle invites

classyduck · September 2014

My fiance's step mom has offered to host our dinner, and she asked us for a guest list. We have decided to invite the wedding party, their SOs, and immediate family, and SOs.

Now. His biological mother DOES NOT get along with his father and step mother. I feel like she would be out of place there, but WE would like to honor her, and visit with her. We also don't want to make the whole thing uncomfortable.

What is the right way to deal with this?

classyduck · September 2014

I should also mention, that his biological brother also has some bad blood with step-mom, and I can see her possibly refusing to host him. I'm not sure how to handle that. If she does, ... I'm tempted to thank her for the offer to host the rehearsal lunch (sorry it's a luncheon now for a morning rehearsal), but to then host it ourselves so that we can invite whom we wish.

It would be a bit of stretch on our wallets, though. ... It's rude not to host a lunch/dinner or something though, isn't it...

Jen4948 · September 2014

classyduck said:

I should also mention, that his biological brother also has some bad blood with step-mom, and I can see her possibly refusing to host him. I'm not sure how to handle that. If she does, ... I'm tempted to thank her for the offer to host the rehearsal lunch (sorry it's a luncheon now for a morning rehearsal), but to then host it ourselves so that we can invite whom we wish.

It would be a bit of stretch on our wallets, though. ... It's rude not to host a lunch/dinner or something though, isn't it...

The bolded is exactly what I would do in order to take the power of invitations away from people who are engaged in feuds and/or power plays. That said, you only need to have a rehearsal lunch/dinner if you are having a rehearsal, and it doesn't need to be fancy or expensive. So, you have the options of not having a rehearsal (and therefore no rehearsal lunch/dinner), or hosting something within your budget.

classyduck · September 2014

Would serving hors d'oeuvres and non-alcoholic drinks during rehearsal be acceptable?

Jen4948 · September 2014

If there are enough of them to constitute the equivalent of a meal for the time of day you're doing this, it can work. You can also have sandwiches or pizza.

Lauderdale Pink · September 2014

First, the whole string of events (rehearsal through wedding) is going to be uncomfortable when you have adults who cannot "play nice" for the sake of a child's wedding. I really hate when dueling exes create a minefield for the bride and groom (ok, rant over). Sandwiches or pizza are a nice idea. You could even go for homemade with tuna salad, egg salad, sides, green salad and cupcakes for dessert.

photokitty · September 2014

I'd turn down her offer to host and serve pizza and pop after the rehearsal. If you don't need a rehearsal, most weddings the minister can explain everything in under 5 mins before the ceremony, then you could avoid the whole issue.

GL!

MairePoppy · September 2014

If FMIL isn't willing to host the FMIL and FBIL, then politely decline her offer to host. They are part of the immediate family.

If the rehearsal is in the morning, a breakfast menu is fine and usually less expensive. I love breakfast any time of day. Also the home made menu or pizza party are good ideas.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

Have you asked your step mom about FMIL and FBIL? Who knows? Maybe she's cool with it. If she says you can't invite them, I agree with your approach to decline her offer to host and host it yourself.

Hosting something yourself doesn't have to be expensive. If everything is as a non meal time it could just be finger foods and lemonade. If its for sure going to be lunch, you could take everyone to a pizza parlor or get one of those giant sub's from subway. Don't break the bank - its not necessary.

classyduck · September 2014

Thank you all for your responses -- you all have educated me enough that I think I could predict them anyway. About to tell step-mom our guest list, as she asked for it, and it will include biological mother. If she pitches a fit, we are prepared to decline.

Thanks again, I'll let you all know how it goes.

classyduck · September 2014

Well thank you ladies, I have to say it went pretty well. No decline of her hosting rehearsal dinner has been required (yet!). There was definitely a bit of tension when I presented the options for invitations, but I think I left enough of an "exit" that she was comfortable indicating I should extend them. If anyone is interested, here is how the convo went:

Me: Firstly -- thank you again for offering to host! We've decided to invite the wedding party, our immediate family, and SO's, which could total 18 people max. Here is the guest list you requested:

Me: [list of wedding party, immediate family, including his biological mother, his brother, and everyone's SOs]

Me: I'm happy to extend the invitations, unless you would like to. Just let me know!

Step-mom: I don't know a few if these people so I wouldn't even know how to reach them. As far as we know [brother] will not be back from deployment. Also, we won't contact [biological mother] for anything. Sorry.

Me: No worries, I'm happy to contact these guests and invite them. Thank you again [stepmom] for being so generous to host this!

Step-mom: Do you have different information about [brother] being at the wedding?

Me: No. We would just like to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he is available and would like to come, we want to make sure he knows he is welcome.

Step-mom: I understand that. Last [father] heard he won't be back stateside until November. Just thought maybe you had heard different.

Me: No, sorry. Like I said, invites are going out to make our intentions known. [FH] really had no idea when he'd be back. He thought he'd be back by the wedding, but realizes that may not be the case.

Step-Mom: I will call the [rehearsal lunch venue] tomorrow to make a reservation. If I can't call them tomorrow I will try again on Monday.

Me: sounds good. I have a feeling you won't have a problem this far in advance.

classyduck · September 2014

Now. I hate to say this, but if circumstances change, and brother looks like he will be in town, or even biological mother, I can see her getting cold feet and starting to impose new guest list restrictions.

What do we do in that event... sorry for catastrophising, but I just know what the possible outcomes are.

I guess we just call Jimmy Johns and ask them to bring a party tray... and budget for that possible outcome.

AddieCake · September 2014

I would just have the backup Jimmy Johns plan in the event that happens. Hopefully it won't b/c if it does, she will just be presenting herself as an asshole who can't put on her big girl panties for the day and graciously host immediate family members the way a decent person would.

Rehearsal dinner - step mom hosting, hates ex wife, how to handle invites

Re: Rehearsal dinner - step mom hosting, hates ex wife, how to handle invites

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