Shower Planning

Re: Shower Planning

• OliveOilsMom member

  

  September 2014

  RachelLee83 said:

  I have no idea who is to do what but here is my problem.

  FI has a LARGE family. 10 aunts and uncles on moms side and 5 on dads side. I have a smaller family 10 total for both sides. Two of my aunts are planning one for my side of the family that are invited to the wedding. Our family showers usually include aunts, cousins, and children. Twice now one of FI's aunts at a family gathering has told me to make sure whoever is planning my shower to include them so they can come... Do my aunts invite them and then extend the invite to all of FI's side of the family? My fear is it will become so large if that option is done. The kicker is FMIL was standing by me the 2nd time and said "oh that'll be nice if they come." I just responded with at this point I have no idea who will be planning it.  Do my aunts invite everyone or should if they wanted to his side plan something. I just am not sure if my aunts should have to host his side as well. I know the option is there to include one from his side but wow that shower would be so large and long I am not sure if it'd be a great option.,

  You should only have as many people invited as the hostess can properly host.  Most showers I have attended will include family from both sides of the couple.  However, if families are large or separated from long distances, I have seen more than one shower, separated by sides of the couple. 

  

  Report0 Reply
• ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful member

  

  September 2014

  I would leave it up to the hostess and what she can manage/afford. Personally I have never been to a shower that was for both families (usually moms/sisters are invited to both) but there have always been two showers, one thrown on each side of the family.

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• MairePoppy mod

  

  September 2014

  The shower host gets to decide on the number of guests. The MOG should receive a courtesy invitation to the shower. The aunts, not so much. Your fi should let his mom know that the guest list will be limited to your side of the family so she won't extend any verbal promises. They are free to throw a shower for their side, if they volunteer.

                     

  Report4 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014

  DH's family is big, too.  My MIL and SILs were invited to my shower; that's it.  I'd find out from your hostess how many she can accommodate. 
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• lc07 member

  

  September 2014

  The host of the shower sets the number of guests that he or she can accommodate and you provide the guest list from there. 

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• MandyMost member

  

  September 2014

  ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful said:

  I would leave it up to the hostess and what she can manage/afford. Personally I have never been to a shower that was for both families (usually moms/sisters are invited to both) but there have always been two showers, one thrown on each side of the family.

  Wow, I've never been to a shower that was for only one side of the family! And I'm from a big family, too. I'd say most showers are at least 30 people or so...mostly the family (mom, sisters, aunts, cousins, from both sides) then just a very few close friends. 

  
  

  As others have said, let the host tell you how many they can accommodate and then you provide the guest list. But I'd think that the guest list would have to include both sides of the family.

  Report0 Reply
• RebeccaFlower member

  

  September 2014

  I think it depends on the size. I had two showers since H & I both have large families. SIL only had one since her family is very small. No matter what, I think showers should be capped at like 30 people. No one wants to watch gifts be opened for 3 hours.

  Report0 Reply
• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  RebeccaFlower said:

  I think it depends on the size. I had two showers since H & I both have large families. SIL only had one since her family is very small. No matter what, I think showers should be capped at like 30 people. No one wants to watch gifts be opened for 3 hours.

  This is my problem   The hosts aren't thrilled with the idea of having that many people.. if both sides are included plus BM's, boy it'd be well over 50 people. Not my idea of a good time )
  

  Report0 Reply
• MandyMost member

  

  September 2014

  RachelLee83 said:

  RebeccaFlower said:

  I think it depends on the size. I had two showers since H & I both have large families. SIL only had one since her family is very small. No matter what, I think showers should be capped at like 30 people. No one wants to watch gifts be opened for 3 hours.

  This is my problem   The hosts aren't thrilled with the idea of having that many people.. if both sides are included plus BM's, boy it'd be well over 50 people. Not my idea of a good time )
  

  Perhaps you can cut others (such as the kids) and get it to be slightly less people? Maybe your FI's aunts will chip in and you can rent a hall? It just seems odd to me to do it separate. You're getting married--meaning you're joining your families. But you can't have them at the same shower? 

  
  

  As for the gifts, there is no way it needs to take very long at all. You just have to have a process down. Whether bridesmaids or friends or relatives, people need to know their job ahead of time and be trusted to do it:

  1. Person picks a present from the pile and takes off the tag and even snips a ribbon (unless there is the superstition about the bride breaking ribbons=children). She hands it to the bride and says "This is from you aunt Jane".

  2. Person off to the side keeping a list of who gives what for thank you notes. 

  3. Person to clear the trash away, and hand the ribbons to....

  4. Person to create a ribbon bouquet, if that will be used for the rehearsal.

  5. Person to take the present away and put it in a pile.

  
  

  Each present should really only take a minute or so. Even with 50 guests you should be done in about an hour. If something is handmade or from a sentimental grandmother or something of course those presents take a little longer, but the system stays in place!

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  MandyMost said:

  RachelLee83 said:

  RebeccaFlower said:

  I think it depends on the size. I had two showers since H & I both have large families. SIL only had one since her family is very small. No matter what, I think showers should be capped at like 30 people. No one wants to watch gifts be opened for 3 hours.

  This is my problem   The hosts aren't thrilled with the idea of having that many people.. if both sides are included plus BM's, boy it'd be well over 50 people. Not my idea of a good time )
  

  Perhaps you can cut others (such as the kids) and get it to be slightly less people? Maybe your FI's aunts will chip in and you can rent a hall? It just seems odd to me to do it separate. You're getting married--meaning you're joining your families. But you can't have them at the same shower? 

  
  

  As for the gifts, there is no way it needs to take very long at all. You just have to have a process down. Whether bridesmaids or friends or relatives, people need to know their job ahead of time and be trusted to do it:

  1. Person picks a present from the pile and takes off the tag and even snips a ribbon (unless there is the superstition about the bride breaking ribbons=children). She hands it to the bride and says "This is from you aunt Jane".

  2. Person off to the side keeping a list of who gives what for thank you notes. 

  3. Person to clear the trash away, and hand the ribbons to....

  4. Person to create a ribbon bouquet, if that will be used for the rehearsal.

  5. Person to take the present away and put it in a pile.

  
  

  Each present should really only take a minute or so. Even with 50 guests you should be done in about an hour. If something is handmade or from a sentimental grandmother or something of course those presents take a little longer, but the system stays in place!

  
  

  
  

  I've never been to a shower where they include both sides other then the mother and a sister. Maybe that is why it's really strange to me too and hard for me to see. I do like your idea of everyone having a job however I'm trying to stay out of it I'm just asking because of the aunt asking me, kind of wanted everyones thoughts.

  Report0 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  
  

  MandyMost said:

  ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful said:

  I would leave it up to the hostess and what she can manage/afford. Personally I have never been to a shower that was for both families (usually moms/sisters are invited to both) but there have always been two showers, one thrown on each side of the family.

  Wow, I've never been to a shower that was for only one side of the family! And I'm from a big family, too. I'd say most showers are at least 30 people or so...mostly the family (mom, sisters, aunts, cousins, from both sides) then just a very few close friends. 

  
  

  As others have said, let the host tell you how many they can accommodate and then you provide the guest list. But I'd think that the guest list would have to include both sides of the family.

  Not necessarily.  I had 2 showers - 1 hosted by one of my mom's friends, and that comprised of women my mom's age that I had known for most of my life.  MIL and SIL were invited and joined us.  The other shower was hosted by one of my high school friends, and that comprised of my friends.  I never extended invites to my husband's family, nor did I feel obligated to do so.
  
  ETA:  MIL's family has a huge family reunion every year in January.  It's a blast.  During the annual white elephant party, we were presented with a KitchenAid Mixer as a gift from his family.  It was awesome and was much better than an actual shower.
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  September 2014

  
  

  MandyMost said:

  RachelLee83 said:

  RebeccaFlower said:

  I think it depends on the size. I had two showers since H & I both have large families. SIL only had one since her family is very small. No matter what, I think showers should be capped at like 30 people. No one wants to watch gifts be opened for 3 hours.

  This is my problem   The hosts aren't thrilled with the idea of having that many people.. if both sides are included plus BM's, boy it'd be well over 50 people. Not my idea of a good time )
  

  Perhaps you can cut others (such as the kids) and get it to be slightly less people? Maybe your FI's aunts will chip in and you can rent a hall? It just seems odd to me to do it separate. You're getting married--meaning you're joining your families. But you can't have them at the same shower? 

  
  

  As for the gifts, there is no way it needs to take very long at all. You just have to have a process down. Whether bridesmaids or friends or relatives, people need to know their job ahead of time and be trusted to do it:

  1. Person picks a present from the pile and takes off the tag and even snips a ribbon (unless there is the superstition about the bride breaking ribbons=children). She hands it to the bride and says "This is from you aunt Jane".

  2. Person off to the side keeping a list of who gives what for thank you notes. 

  3. Person to clear the trash away, and hand the ribbons to....

  4. Person to create a ribbon bouquet, if that will be used for the rehearsal.

  5. Person to take the present away and put it in a pile.

  
  

  Each present should really only take a minute or so. Even with 50 guests you should be done in about an hour. If something is handmade or from a sentimental grandmother or something of course those presents take a little longer, but the system stays in place!

  
  

  
  

  Mandy, you didn't read the comment.  Rachel said that the hosts are not thrilled with the guest list being that long (and frankly, I don't blame them).  Also, the "system" you suggested is very nice and very standard.  Rachel doesn't need to concern herself with that as the guest of honor.   Also, it is not Rachel's responsibility to ask if the aunts would chip in for the venue. 
  
  OP, invite the women that you want to be there.  If that doesn't include the aunts, that's fine.  And it is definitely not the responsibility of your bridal party to host any showers.  If FMIL comments about the aunts not being invited, just say that your guest list was respectful of the budget of the hostess.  If the aunts say something, say that as well. 
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• OliveOilsMom member

  

  September 2014

  RachelLee83 said:

  RebeccaFlower said:

  I think it depends on the size. I had two showers since H & I both have large families. SIL only had one since her family is very small. No matter what, I think showers should be capped at like 30 people. No one wants to watch gifts be opened for 3 hours.

  This is my problem   The hosts aren't thrilled with the idea of having that many people.. if both sides are included plus BM's, boy it'd be well over 50 people. Not my idea of a good time )
  

  I've hosted showers with a guest list that size.  Sometimes I did the food and sometimes it was at a restaurant.  However, it is a huge undertaking to host 50 people if someone is not used to doing it.  Since the hostess of your shower is uncomfortable with that many people, the number of guests should be in her comfort zone.

  I would probably have FI give his mom a heads up that the aunts won't be invited.  He can just explain having his aunts included would expand the guest list to something the hostess isn't comfortable with.  That way she isn't surprised by it and the "bad news" that the aunts can't attend would come from him.

  

  Report0 Reply