Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Chit Chat
Chit Chat
New Discussion

I am going to rip FI's head off.

ElcaBElcaB member
2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
in Chit Chat
We are less than two months from the wedding. It's GO TIME! Last night FI and I had a little planning session, and it didn't end well. He said he feels under-represented in the wedding. 

Initially, when we started planning, we were on the same page about the type of wedding we wanted. FI said he really didn't care about silly things like linens, arrangements, etc., but he primarily wanted a big say in the music, lighting, and bar. Works for me (or so I thought). 

Now, that we're progressing, he's up in arms about minor details. Throughout the process, I've tried really hard to meet in the middle or let him have his way when we disagree because it's his wedding, too. I.e., FI didn't want to wear a suit to the wedding, so I told him that was fine (even though I really, really want him in a suit). FI didn't like the first draft of our invitations, so I had our graphic artist change them to fit FI's preferences (even though I loved the first draft). Those are just some small examples, but I SWEAR I AM TRYING! Even though I'm giving it my best, I feel like if he doesn't get his way he pouts and then we can't talk about anything. I am reaching my limit on patience and understanding.

HOW DO I PROCEED WITHOUT RIPPING FI'S HEAD OFF?
image
Report Reply to Post

Re: I am going to rip FI's head off.

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is he changing his mind about decisions you already made together? Is he getting the final say in everything, or is he willing to compromise on things you want?

    I know I was annoyed with DH a few times during the wedding planning, especially when we compromised on things I was hoping for.




    Report Reply
  • wandajune6wandajune6 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Is he actively involved in the planning or just complaining in what you've done? FI hasn't helped as much as he should be will complain about some of my decisions. The compromise is that he can complain/insist on changing those things that he participates in - but not the rest.

    Example: I'm in love with the flowers but he didn't like the pictures of the mockup. However, he didn't want to go to the appointments with florists. Unless he wants to schedule new appointments and go with me, he's SOL.

    He cares about other things so he's going to those appointments.

    (He's only getting cut slack on helping because dumbass is taking 6 classes while working full time.)
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    I think you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk telling him that these details won't matter after the wedding and that if he does want to change something, he's on his own. He had the chance to voice his opinion before.

    This happened with my mother putting together centerpieces like 4 days before our wedding. She has suggestions, I said fine, you're totally welcome to do the leg work and pay for the additional costs. I told her I was going to 'flip the fuck out on her' after she kept hounding. I wear brides get a bad rep sometimes because everyone else makes us crazy. 
    Report Reply
  • abbyj700abbyj700 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Do you guys have this many arguments about the details of your life?

    FI and I have compromised a bit on our wedding. He wanted orange trifolds, I wanted red - we got red with an orange matting. I wanted all roses, he didn't, he took one look at the all rose arrangements - and loved them. I wanted Italian to eat, he wanted meat carving - we went all out and got stations from around the world - including meat carving. Everyone wins.

    But...we don't FIGHT about it. Is everything in your relationship like this or just the wedding planning? Maybe you both need to ignore the wedding planning for a few nights and get back to you guys, relaxing and what makes you great! 
    Report Reply
  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    DH asked for veto power when we were planning.  He didn't care much about specifics beyond using one color in our decor and picking out our entrees but wanted to be able to weigh in when I was down to the final few options.  Generally, it went well but there were a few times where I felt like I had to say "It's really important for me that we do A instead of B; to me, it's not even close so unless you can be really specific about why A won't work for you, I really don't want to consider B."  It helped DH understand what I was prioritizing and helped him really focus on what was important to him, too.

    That said, there were a just few times when he started to question previously made decisions where I had to be blunt and honest and ask what changed.  It turned out he was worried about our budget; so we went over the spreadsheet and projections more thoroughly and it helped.

    I might ask him to be specific about where he feels underrepresented.  The big items it seems like he originally wanted a say in don't really leave a visual signature as looking at a centerpiece might and having someone say "I knew there would be roses/hydrangea/daisies, they're Elca's favorite flower!" I might be that he's looking for something that will say to people "that's FI!"
    image
    Anniversary


    Report Reply
  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    FI didn't understand how hard it is to wedding plan, so I forced him to completely take over. I said here are the due dates for every single thing, and here are the ideas we chose together. He was handing the planning back to me and apologizing after a few hours. 

    Usually our planning is that I research places/ideas/things I like, and when I narrow it all done I have him help to decide. He also has a few things that he is 100% in charge of. I am not a fan of planning at this moment.  He is very much an "I don't care but I want a traditional wedding" person.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    Report Reply
  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    H also said all he cared about was food and music. As the planning progessed I would still show him everything as we went and in most cases he was fine with it. Occasionally he would second guess something. And I would explain I valued his opinion and if he wanted to look into other options HE was welcomed to do so. But I wasn't going to work my butt of planning everything for him to just come in and nix it and leaving me to find another option.
    image


    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I know it's a little late for this for you now, but he should have been planning all along if he wanted to have a say. I know that sounds harsh, but he can't decide months ago that he doesn't care about/want to deal with details and then change his mind at the last minute. 

    H and I want to buy a plot and build a house. I'm not going to tell him I don't want to be involved in the planning and then decide I don't like the layout when it's built. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    bubblegum1309 said:
    H also said all he cared about was food and music. As the planning progessed I would still show him everything as we went and in most cases he was fine with it. Occasionally he would second guess something. And I would explain I valued his opinion and if he wanted to look into other options HE was welcomed to do so. But I wasn't going to work my butt of planning everything for him to just come in and nix it and leaving me to find another option.
    This is what I was trying to say. I think it's crap to just waltz in after the fact and rock the boat with no better options. 
    Report Reply
  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    My FI doesn't care about the details and doesn't like to research. There are a lot of things he said he didn't care about that I insisted on his input with. 

    For example, the ceremony, he didn't want to go to the meeting with my aunt (who is marrying us) and said he didn't care.. I was like "Yes you do come on mopey" and we went. The next few days I started pulling sample wording for key parts like the ring exchange and the declaration of intent, picked my top like 3 favorites and then asked his opinion. 

    I have found its ten times easier to give him options as opposed to asking him to go out and do it himself. 
    Anniversary
    image
    Report Reply
  • raissyraisraissyrais member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    You can just nicely remind him that when you first started planning, you delegated tasks and such and that you each should stick by your original decisions? It is his wedding too and in the end you can make compromises or is too late for that now? 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • ElcaBElcaB member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    bubblegum1309 said:
    H also said all he cared about was food and music. As the planning progessed I would still show him everything as we went and in most cases he was fine with it. Occasionally he would second guess something. And I would explain I valued his opinion and if he wanted to look into other options HE was welcomed to do so. But I wasn't going to work my butt of planning everything for him to just come in and nix it and leaving me to find another option.
    I like this. 

    We're going to try again tomorrow to plan and go get some things done, so I'll keep it in mind. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • LDay2014LDay2014 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    FI and I had an argument over cake icing...CAKE ICING
    he wanted an icing that the bakery couldn't do because it will just melt into the cake...and was throwing a fit over it.  I'm sorry dear, but we can't have whip cream as icing.  I value his opinion but he was unwilling to get out of his head that what he wanted wasn't an option.

    I eventually told the baker what to put on it because at the end of the day FI won't notice and I won't care...Sometimes you just have to.
    Report Reply
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I'm feeling so stressed this morning because I'm in the same boat as you.  FI says he doesn't speak up because I nix everything, whereas I say not only do I not nix everything, he usually speaks up only after I think things are set, which then makes me feel attacked or like I did something wrong. Plus, I'm feeling oversensitive because I'm always the decision-maker at work, and now because I'm the bride everyone pesters ME for things... I'm just tired of making decisions.

    FI and I don't fight much about anything else in life though. It's just this wedding crap. 8 more days, thank God...

    ________________________________


    Report Reply
  • moutonrougemoutonrouge member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I also went the "here are my favorite 2-4 options, which do you like best?" route. I enjoy researching options, but don't like feeling like I'm making all the decisions (and struggle to quickly make decisions). Conveniently, he doesn't like researching things (or at least not things like invites or cakes) and is good at making decisions. Win win. 

    I guess how you proceed might depend on how much there is left to choose, or what you can add in. Maybe there are a few spots he can add a personal touch still, or choice points you can leave to him in addition to the ones he requested?
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards